Sex with my ex, should I try to get back together?

[dharris27]

This is long but I feel like to get a good opinion I'd have to explain a lot of what's gone down. Basically I've recently started wondering if I should try for a second chance with my ex, based off his behavior and sort of by mine. Let me know what you think if you have a moment! I'd love to offer advice as a repayment! Just link me.

 

Soooo, I met my ex almost a year ago via an online dating site. I think neither of us were looking for anything real or long but it turned out that we had some really intense instant chemistry. Me being new to the area and just out of a serious relationship (one which I was ready to be done with and excited to move on from (great guy but a better friend I thought)) I definitely tried to pace myself with him and I think we did. After about 4 months we decided spending all our time together and having eyes for only one another meant we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We were definitely in love and definitely loving life together.

 

As a background to this, he had moved to the area with a fiance who he'd dated for two years. She suggested if she followed him to grad school he should probably propose to her. So he did. I believe they were really happy, but it turns out she was also very emotionally unstable and there were A LOT of intense arguments. Ones that he'd come to think normal. While here, she was upset at the fact he was never around because he was always at school and picked fights with him daily. Eventually he suggested if she weren't happy that she could move back and they would call it off. She eventually took him up and left. They'd had a dog together too which died shortly afterwards, of some rare condition. He was really attached to the dog and even flew up to see it off. SO, basically one of the ****tiest things ever was his past relationship. He brought it up on the first date even, as more of, you should know this about me because it's been something I've had to work hard to get over the anger of, but have been single for a little over a year and a half and believe I'm ready to start dating again, and so I have been and it's been wonderful.

 

We were super happy, super cute together, have so much in common, and our friends loved each other. We often spoke about how amazing it was we'd found each other that regardless of dating it was much like kindred spirits. As time progressed there were never any fights or breaking points. Instead it was more that I felt our lives were sort of monotonous, we were both stressed about work a lot, and the dude was very fond of drinking (in general) to deal with his stress. I'm pretty big into the end of the week throwdown so it never really seemed like a problem until he took a 2 month vacation from working (while finding a better job, which he did) and within that time was so stressed about possibly not finding a job and just overall feeling restlessness without his workaholic habit to nurture, he was drinking A LOT more. There were some drunken incidents that happened in bed, which I will refrain from telling here, that were definitely firsts for me and for sure the aftermath of being nearly blacked out if not blacked out. It's something he's very comfortable with being and sort of excited about in general but was super apologetic about after they'd happened. This didn't mean he started drinking less either though. He also told me at one point his mom had been a bad alchoholic and he found out in family therapy for it that he or his brother would possibly carry the gene. His brother doesn't drink and well, Jon's natorious for his love so I sort of imagined he'd inherited it if that were true. On the other hand he's a brilliant engineer and architect with a wonderful soul and personality so again, these things allowed for me to take note of these incidents but not judge him too much.

 

After a couple times of mentioning taking me to his hometown to meets his parent I sort of realized I was nervous that maybe this dude wasn't for me. Only because of his smoking, drinking, sitting, video game playing day-to-day that had come out of no where it seemed. He started to pick up on these things bothering me and I figured eventually we should talk so we could work them out, or not, and end things. We were having sex less because of his smelly, coming to bed drunkedness too, so I know he was noticing something not working.

 

Before I could get there he became really pretty distant. I would talk about future plans and he would just look at me like, "Oh ****, this girl has no idea i'm going to break up with her." So one night out of the blue, after bailing on me all weekend, for the first time ever, he comes over and explains to me that he feels like we're at the place where things should get more serious but he felt every time he wanted to take that next step he would retreat emotionally out of fear or anxiety, or something he wasn't sure of. He said it probably had to do with the baggage from his ex and he felt he needed time to focus on himself and to get through his ****. He promised a hundred times it was nothing I'd done, that he'd almost not come over to this, because he thought I was amazing and never had a horrible moment with me. He also said, he believed his drinking more these days was in relation to that anxiety and actually had nothing to do with his finding another job. (I think that's bull****, but whatever.) He's crying of course and I'm just looking at him. I tell him very calmly that I had also had my fears of it getting serious but for other reasons but wasn't sure it even mattered if we talked about them now. I told him I'd liked him more than any other boyfriend but I didn't want to keep him in something that was making him anxious and unhappy. I feel like this is a huge cop-out but I've never been dumped before so I don't know what to do. I basically grab all his stuff and show him the door and just tell him we need to not talk for a few months because I'm going to need the space. He asks for a hug and then he leaves.

 

I have a jacket at his house and take the next day off, rather than having him bring it to my work I ask him to leave it on his stoop and I would grab it. He says that'd he'd been up all night very upset and would do that.

 

I don't speak to him for over a week or two and eventually feel that I should email him for closure for both of us since I'd been so cold. I consider explaining that I worry about his drinking but refrain only to close the deal faster and to move on. I basically tell him I'm okay with the decision although I feel like it makes no sense to not even try to talk through something since we'd liked each other so much, but I go on to say thank you for your time and thank you for treating me so well. Maybe one day we can be friends but for now we still need space. He writes back saying he'd been considering that he had made a mistake (which I know happens from being ignored and lonely) and that he was glad to hear from me and agreed it was for the best. How lucky he was to date me etc.

 

We don't talk for about a month and a half. I'm finally feeling better about things because I conclude he has a drinking problem and it was probably for the best. He said when I was ready to be friends or talk he'd love to hear from me. I feel the need to get the ball out of my court and to possibly show a little more empathy so I shoot him a small thing about a contest he's posting about on FB and I would like to help with the votes by reposting. It was short and sweet and then I don't hear from him again for a few weeks.

 

When I do it's super bowl Sunday and it's out of the blue that he starts chatting me up on text. He's at a party with all his friends and girls and all this distraction and starts texting about random day-to-day stuff saying he's noticed I've been having so much fun and he was jealous because he was working constantly etc. Eventually he asks if we can hang out for a little while and if that would be weird. I'm sort of confessed I inquire if he's drunk and of course he is, super bowl Sunday. I had been earlier too. Eventually he starts saying he misses pleasing me and sexty things that lead to him coming over and us hooking up. Prior to the hook up is two hours of talking and kissing and hand holding and catching up on life. Laughing. Weird. I'd never done this before so I was curious. I already signed the contract of "You cannot every complain about this or get sad or too happy, it's just sex. This could be a bad idea if you stray, SO DON'T." Luckily I was SOOOO desperate that was exactly what I wanted. He stayed over and there was more sex in the morning and cuddling and kisses. It was weird but also just kind of awesome.

 

We have the awkward goodbyes and later he texts me to tell me how fun it had been and that "He owed me big time." which was super weird I thought. I explained he owed me nothing. I know, it sounds like the dude feels like he used me but I believe it to be his self conciousness, the thought of him showing up drunky at my door out of no where, probably made him feel a little weird and he worried I might have been insulted or weirded out some. He is a very considerate guy, and very aware of himself.

 

Anyway, about a month goes by and he's been working for 22 days straight I later find out. I post a picture of the bar I'm at on instagram and within 30 mins he's there with his friends. I had this feeling, because he'd been liking all my stati and such online, that he was itching for it again. So here he is. Of course we catch up all night. Get drunk. Hook up. Again we spend a lot of the evening talking about our lives. At some point out of no where he starts to tell me he worked on his smoking habit and had really tried quitting (he knew I didn't like it but I was never pushy about him quitting). Later, he's whisking me around the room kissing me and holding me. His friends see us making out who have never met me but know I'm his ex, and explain to my girlfriend that "Those two love each other." at some point, which it's sort of true that we locked eyes and stayed that way the whole night. I stay over and then the next day he's texting me a little about what we'd talked about.

 

After this a week goes by and we do nothing more than play scrabble against each other. What is my question, I'm sure you're dying to know! "Shut up already!!!", you say. So here: I have a girlfriend here who's insisting we should get back together because she saw us together and agrees that it looks as if we really love each other. But man, what **** show at this point. Also, he dumped me so I'm in no way able to bring this up (I think) and I don't see him doing, which, could very well be because he only has drunken sex eyes for me at this point, and again, I'm very clear on being okay with that. I also have no idea if that's even a good idea considering his habit, but I can't deny that when I'm around him I still feel that timelessness of love that I first felt. I guess I wonder what a person thinks about this. Any idea what the ex dude could be thinking? Any advice??

Edited April 2, 2012 by dharris27

[JoeyArnold]

I still feel that timelessness of love.

You can choose to follow your feelings or you can stand back & follow your heart. My mother married my abusive alcoholic father due to his charm & fell down that for 28 years before divorcing him. I'm not telling you that this guy has no redeeming qualities but I am saying that it's dangerous.

[dharris27]

Well, it appears he met a new girl from what I can tell on facebook. Just six days after our last hookup. Pretty devistating. I wish I hadn't of even considered this now. :/

[JoeyArnold]

Well, it appears he met a new girl from what I can tell on facebook. Just six days after our last hookup. Pretty devistating. I wish I hadn't of even considered this now. :/

Are you sure about this or are you only speculating? Did you actually ask him?

[dharris27]

Spectualting from Facebook. He became friends with a new girl and she's liked every single thing he's posted. They've also liked things in a way, together, as if they were at the place where the photo was taken together. I know it sounds crazy, but knowing him, and how he has no female friends that he hangs out with, he's probably dating her.

 

Thanks for your response. The only thing is that he's not abusive or manipulative at all. Which is the hard part. And really, he broke it off with me because it didn't feel right to him although he did nothing but sing my praise, so I had no idea it was coming. I suspect it was more a response to me hesitation to move forward because of the habits he has. Who knows!

 

I just wish I had more time to talk to him after the last time we hung out but I don't want to seem desperate and wreck anything going with this new girl or get turned down because of her. Sigh. Hanging in there!

[favoritepills]

Aw, I'm sorry to hear about the Facebook girl. It's possible she just has a one-sided crush on him.

 

Still, talking dumpee to dumpee here, I wouldn't recommend you ask for a second chance -- or for that matter, have sex with him again until HE makes up his damn mind. He's your ex, so only you can tell for sure, but I'm getting the sense that he's just not used to life without you but now he has this oh-so-convenient arrangement of having sex with you and acting like your boyfriend without really being your boyfriend. If I were you, I would make boundaries and be really clear with them: "Look, lines are getting blurred between us and this could really mess me up. So, we can talk and hang out, but to spare myself heartbreak I am not sleeping with you anymore until you decide whether or not you want to be my boyfriend again."

[flitzanu]

just because your ex is sleeping with you does not mean he has feelings for you.

 

generalization here......but..........

 

women use feelings for sex.

 

men use their penis for sex.

 

don't confuse what isn't there.

[geegirl]

I'm a little lost. You both hooked up. Period. Where in this story spells interest on his part unless I am missing the part about him approaching you (sober) wanting to work on himself so that you both can work on a relationship together. Or is hooking up a viable way of saying let's get back together?

 

Isn't this man lucky. Getting sex without having to commit to you in anyway. And don't for once believe sex will rekindle his fire. Sex is sex. You're confusing your emotions with sex. Flitz is right.

 

And your girlfriend that saw you both together and was in fantasy land, that's exactly what it is. She's projecting her fantasies.

 

He dumped you for a reason and that reason is still there unless he has stated otherwise. It takes much more than just a make out session while you two are having a drunken "moment" together to translate into "it's true love, let's get back together and work at building a relationship."

Edited April 18, 2012 by geegirl

[JoeyArnold]

Isn't this man lucky. Getting sex without having to commit to you.

In How I Met Your Mother, Barney sleeps with a different woman almost every episode.

[Jadempk]

I can relate to what your going through atm. My ex and I slept together 3 times while he was in town for a week - it was lovely. We were happy, relaxed, talked heaps, watched tv, kissed ALOT, massaged each other and slept together. But I need to remember for him it didn't mean anything, but for me it did and it has made it sooo much harder because I get this sense of false hope. I really do miss him , and "us" but I don't know if hanging out is the best thing atm even though I miss him sooo much!!