CopingGal Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Common sense is good to have and employ. If I had utilized my common sense, I would not be in the emotional mess I am in now. I would have left that piece of trash I called my bf years ago. Seriously, how many of you threw your common sense to the wind when you needed it the most...only to be duped, tricked, lied to, cheated on, etc. Common sense is a good thing. We shouldn't ignore it in a relationship. I did time after time after time in my past two relationships. Never again. COMMON SENSE RULES!! Edited April 2, 2012 by CopingGal
jennisfora Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 my mom kept telling me, if it is too good to be true..it probably is. but, in all honesty, whenever you let yourself become vulnerable to someone you are risking getting hurt. and i think love is worth that risk. now, that doesn't mean go into it blind. you have to be aware of red flags. but, my ex didn't cheat, lie, or abuse me. he was good to me til the last day, and that makes it even more difficult to get over for me. plus i have the desire to fix it, and i cant. the last two relationships i had were abusive in many ways, so i knew i didnt want to go there again. but, this last one was a real gentleman, and if he wanted to date someone else, he would break up, which he did. so, least he was honest that way. i think it would be easier if he was a louse, i could hate him, and use that hate to get over him. but i can't stay angry, the only thing that makes me angry is that he walked away without trying to salvage us. that he walked away without much discussion. being dumped hurts, i knew that was a risk when i traveled down that path. i would risk it again. i am a hopeless romantic i guess. but, i will no longer tolerate verbal or emotional abuse. 2
dollface07 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 You went though a learning experience and now you know exactly how to maintain your common sense and interpersonal effectiveness skills in any future relationship. This feeling is here to either teach you a lesson or make you take action about something or perhaps both...don't worry you're most likely not gonna repeat the same mistakes as long as you remain knowledgeable about what part you played in overlooking all of the signs in that prior relationship. Now you know how to set healthy limits and assert yourself all you need to do is be sure not to forget to implement this knowledge in your future relationships. Good luck! 2
Author CopingGal Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 my mom kept telling me, if it is too good to be true..it probably is. but, in all honesty, whenever you let yourself become vulnerable to someone you are risking getting hurt. and i think love is worth that risk. now, that doesn't mean go into it blind. you have to be aware of red flags. but, my ex didn't cheat, lie, or abuse me. he was good to me til the last day, and that makes it even more difficult to get over for me. plus i have the desire to fix it, and i cant. the last two relationships i had were abusive in many ways, so i knew i didnt want to go there again. but, this last one was a real gentleman, and if he wanted to date someone else, he would break up, which he did. so, least he was honest that way. i think it would be easier if he was a louse, i could hate him, and use that hate to get over him. but i can't stay angry, the only thing that makes me angry is that he walked away without trying to salvage us. that he walked away without much discussion. being dumped hurts, i knew that was a risk when i traveled down that path. i would risk it again. i am a hopeless romantic i guess. but, i will no longer tolerate verbal or emotional abuse. I would have rathered my ex be a good man. Because with a good man, it hurts a lot but it's just the hurt of loss. With psychological and emotional abuse, it's hurt, plus feeling used, feeling mistreated, feeling unable to trust again, anger, anger, anger, anger, etc. I have never been treated like this before. It is such a bad, bad feeling you know. I would have rather my ex treated me well. I just hate him now. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. 2
Author CopingGal Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 You went though a learning experience and now you know exactly how to maintain your common sense and interpersonal effectiveness skills in any future relationship. This feeling is here to either teach you a lesson or make you take action about something or perhaps both...don't worry you're most likely not gonna repeat the same mistakes as long as you remain knowledgeable about what part you played in overlooking all of the signs in that prior relationship. Now you know how to set healthy limits and assert yourself all you need to do is be sure not to forget to implement this knowledge in your future relationships. Good luck! Thanks. I read some self help books and took some notes so that I can refer to them in the future. I hope I won't go down that road again. I really have to be careful because my ex was just like my father. Apparently I went out with what I was used to. He was the only man I ever really loved. I don't think I would ever accept that again, but I know that people tend to repeat cycles. When I get some money I'm going back into therapy so that should help a lot. Then again, let me say, when I realized that my ex was just like my father, I really started to think about dumping him, and I did. So I guess there is hope for me. I dated two men that were like my dad and I got rid of both of them. I only wish I had done it before they hurt me badly.
Life Person Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Yes, always listen to common sense, and to your intuition. The last months of my relationship my heart started telling me my girlfriend was becoming very close to our mutual friend, but in my mind I didn't want to be the jealous, untrusting boyfirend. If only had I trusted my instincts. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I would have rathered my ex be a good man. Because with a good man, it hurts a lot but it's just the hurt of loss. With psychological and emotional abuse, it's hurt, plus feeling used, feeling mistreated, feeling unable to trust again, anger, anger, anger, anger, etc. I have never been treated like this before. It is such a bad, bad feeling you know. I would have rather my ex treated me well. I just hate him now. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Oh you are so right and I have stated this before. Regarding common sense; I threw it away, too and ignored some red flags that were waving merrily in my face at the time. I have always said many times on here, if my ex were good and it just didn't work out; yes, I would be sad, but I would have healed quicker and would have a friend down the road. My ex burned all bridges with me; he was terrible; he was very similar to yours, CG. Very, eerily similar. He thinks he is better than everyone else, also. But....I have learned I don't need to waste emotion==not even hate. Hate is too passionate. Indifference is much better and I hope you get to that point. You will feel relieved. Do I have questions? sure. And I need to vent and ramble from time to time, but now I am indifferent; I don't hate him anymore=====after figuring he may be borderline personality. He is the new girl's problem now.
blindesided Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I have been on both sides - my Ex husband towards the end of our marriage was a cheater & had a drinking problem - though I never experienced abuse so I cant speak about how that affects some of you on here. I know it took a bit of time to get over my 17yr marriage but it was easier I think because he was such an a**. I could point to anger & knowing for sure I would never want to go back to him. My most recent ex - now this one is terrible to try to get over - Its so strange - we were only dating 6mos - never had a fight - he was always the sweetest guy - caring, open.... I think thats what makes this one sooo much harder to get over - its the rejection - even though my head tells me (& so did he) that we are in 2 different places in life & want different things right now - my heart wants him so much. So for my personal situation - I would much rather have someone be a jerk - I know how to deal with anger - its a lot harder to deal with rejection & it was quite the blow to the ego. Everytime I think about him - I am sad - I try to trick my mind into finding anything I can point to that would turn me off - I try to picture him fat, or using the bathroom, or wearing nasty ratty clothes or not groomed & not brushed his teeth....anything I can cling to to try & make me get over him - so far nothing seems to be working....ugh....
Author CopingGal Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Sorry you are going through that. But when the pain is over, at least you can look back and say you dated a really nice person, even though it was 6 months.
kindest Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 my mom kept telling me, if it is too good to be true..it probably is. but, in all honesty, whenever you let yourself become vulnerable to someone you are risking getting hurt. and i think love is worth that risk. now, that doesn't mean go into it blind. you have to be aware of red flags. but, my ex didn't cheat, lie, or abuse me. he was good to me til the last day, and that makes it even more difficult to get over for me. plus i have the desire to fix it, and i cant. the last two relationships i had were abusive in many ways, so i knew i didnt want to go there again. but, this last one was a real gentleman, and if he wanted to date someone else, he would break up, which he did. so, least he was honest that way. i think it would be easier if he was a louse, i could hate him, and use that hate to get over him. but i can't stay angry, the only thing that makes me angry is that he walked away without trying to salvage us. that he walked away without much discussion. being dumped hurts, i knew that was a risk when i traveled down that path. i would risk it again. i am a hopeless romantic i guess. but, i will no longer tolerate verbal or emotional abuse. I can relate. My ex is a good guy, and no matter how hurt I am that he left me I just can't bring myself to hate him, which to me hurts even more. It hurts that I have to take him out of my life completely because it's me that can't move on while he is a presence in my life. The only bad thing I can say is that he broke his commitment to me, but you really can't force commitment out of a person. I'm a hopeless romantic myself. But I should say 'hopeful'. I'm never jaded because I don't see the point. I will not let the loss of one person take away my hope, it's my best weapon against the challenges in life. It will get better. This too shall pass.
Author CopingGal Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 It will get better. This too shall pass. I know it will...but gosh darnit, right now, it feels like the anger and the sadness will last forever.
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 It's difficult to grasp common sense when you are emotional. Common sense is likely to kick in when a person or a situation is indifferent to you. The two almost always don't go together. It's more about having the self-esteem and the ability to value yourself enough to either stay away from what you know is wrong for you or to remove yourself the moment you know it's wrong for you. We choose to ignore red flags not because of common sense but more so the inability to stand by our convictions because we're emotionally dependent, lacking self-esteem and void of boundaries. 2
Author CopingGal Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 It's difficult to grasp common sense when you are emotional. Common sense is likely to kick in when a person or a situation is indifferent to you. The two almost always don't go together. It's more about having the self-esteem and the ability to value yourself enough to either stay away from what you know is wrong for you or to remove yourself the moment you know it's wrong for you. We choose to ignore red flags not because of common sense but more so the inability to stand by our convictions because we're emotionally dependent, lacking self-esteem and void of boundaries. My ex has boundries issues. I put up firm boundries, but not enough boundries.
Dark Phoenix Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 The longing and the pain... that sucks... The best way through it is to stop painting black, eating crow and be honest with you how feel. True Love has no boundaries You will get through it though
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 My ex has boundries issues. I put up firm boundries, but not enough boundries. People will bust boundaries. But it's in your power to instill and stand by them. And when they do bust your boundaries, it is a sign that they have no respect for you or your needs. That in itself, is a rather glaring red flag. You will learn from this and be more self-aware about what you will and will not tolerate in the future.
nanbullen Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I think we ignore common sense because like Woody Allen said when he hooked up with his stepdaughter, "the heart wants what it wants". I don't necessarily agree/disagree with his choice,....but i always think of that quote. I totally agree with it.
Author CopingGal Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 I think we ignore common sense because like Woody Allen said when he hooked up with his stepdaughter, "the heart wants what it wants". I don't necessarily agree/disagree with his choice,....but i always think of that quote. I totally agree with it. Allen was right "the heart wants what it wants," but that doesn't mean you have to listen. What he did was disgusting and a disservice to her.
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