Thought I saw him, weird reaction

[lilyblue]

After my ex. contacted me several times mentioning her regrets and how sorry she was I was torn about replying or not...well I finally did and so regret it.

 

My response was outlined too on how I felt...how her actions affected me ...how she betrayed me and how she hurt me...I don't know how she took it...if she was glad I responded or if it made her continue to feel guilty(that was the reason she contacted me) I don't know and I really don't care anymore!

 

I regret it because it showed I responded to her even after the hell I went thru....that I took the time to acknowledge her...that I may still be affected by her actions.

 

Even though I DON'T EVER want her back I now wish I would of kept silent...kept her guessing about my feelings and NOT have responded.

 

I don't have any sort of desire to keep him from knowing that he hurt me, so I guess that's not really a motivation for me, though I can understand how it would be for some. What he did was hurtful.

 

If you would have stayed silent you may still be wondering about whether you should have responded I would think?

 

 

 

 

There you go! Nothing you can do about that. Stop obsessing. Move on, doll.

 

I wish I could make my mind and heart stop!!

[M2155]

I don't think anyone really wants to communicate with a wounded victim. If some guy i do not want a relationshipn with is holding up the "you hurt me" flag, I would first try to get away quickly and nicely and if that didn't work I would ignore. If you respond with something else, I may engage, but I can see an ex not caring to hear about or feel responsible for feelings and past actions so they stay out of contact. That is one point where I think those get your ex back books were on to something, not bringing up the relationship until that person says they want you back. Think about it, once you put your feelings on the table, there is nothing else that needs to be said. I did it too, I regret ever mentioning it was a hurtful breakup for me. Nothing gained but silence. But oh well, we live and we learn.

[lilyblue]

I don't think anyone really wants to communicate with a wounded victim. If some guy i do not want a relationshipn with is holding up the "you hurt me" flag, I would first try to get away quickly and nicely and if that didn't work I would ignore. If you respond with something else, I may engage, but I can see an ex not caring to hear about or feel responsible for feelings and past actions so they stay out of contact. That is one point where I think those get your ex back books were on to something, not bringing up the relationship until that person says they want you back. Think about it, once you put your feelings on the table, there is nothing else that needs to be said. I did it too, I regret ever mentioning it was a hurtful breakup for me. Nothing gained but silence. But oh well, we live and we learn.

 

Interesting and I totally see your point (and realize you were talking to Mike). But now I'm going to apply it to me (ha). Do you think there's some other way I could go about this to re-open the lines of communication? I can't think of what that would be seeing how things ended.

[geegirl]

I wonder why one would send an email detailing how they were hurt, to someone that didn't really care about hurting them in the first place. If they cared about you, they would not have hurt you and if they did hurt you and was remorseful about their behavior, an apology would have been extended.

 

If he can't be accountable for his actions then, he won't be accountable for his actions now, even if you have to point it out to him. Reason being, he does not want to be. So how does it help you in letting him know what he already knows?

 

Nothing good can come out of this. As much as you say you won't be affected if he does not respond, I swear it's only your junkie mind talking.

[lilyblue]

I wonder why one would send an email detailing how they were hurt, to someone that didn't really care about hurting them in the first place. If they cared about you, they would not have hurt you and if they did hurt you and was remorseful about their behavior, an apology would have been extended.

 

If he can't be accountable for his actions then, he won't be accountable for his actions now, even if you have to point it out to him. Reason being, he does not want to be. So how does it help you in letting him know what he already knows?

 

Nothing good can come out of this. As much as you say you won't be affected if he does not respond, I swear it's only your junkie mind talking.

 

I think people hurt people that they care about with a fair amount of frequency. Not making any judgment on whether or not that is true in this case, but I think it does happen.

 

I agree that he will, in all likelihood, not provide me with anything tangible out of this, but I feel like I deserve more than I got. And I at least deserve to be heard if nothing else. I generally hate the word deserve, because there are so many people who do not get what they deserve (chronic illness, trauma victims, etc), but to the extent that I can control my situation, I feel like keeping it bottled up and away from the person who caused the harm is doing me no good.

[geegirl]

I think people hurt people that they care about with a fair amount of frequency. Not making any judgment on whether or not that is true in this case, but I think it does happen.

 

I agree that he will, in all likelihood, not provide me with anything tangible out of this, but I feel like I deserve more than I got. And I at least deserve to be heard if nothing else. I generally hate the word deserve, because there are so many people who do not get what they deserve (chronic illness, trauma victims, etc), but to the extent that I can control my situation, I feel like keeping it bottled up and away from the person who caused the harm is doing me no good.

 

I've certainly been in your shoes far more times than I would have ever cared to be. I truly understand your hurt.

 

We all deserve more than what we got in our relationships. Unfortunately, that's why relationships, break-ups and exs are never perfect. Deserving is one thing but expecting is another.

 

He vanished on you and went back to his ex-wife. This was, and correct me if I am wrong, a little over 6 months ago. For the past 6 months, it has been YOUR choice to deal with your pain by bottling it up inside because you can't LET GO. You will never find answers that will tie all this up in a nice little package called closure.

 

You can send the letter. Remember you are sending it from an emotional standpoint. You're consumed by your own feelings therefore projecting what you believe he may feel as well. Understand he will be reading it with little/non-emotion. That in itself should make you want to put the brakes on. But if this is your way of provoking or seeking reaction to gauge where he is, then that's fine too. It is your choice to make.

 

The alternative to keeping it bottled away is learning to let go by gaining acceptance and finding forgiveness, and not by releasing it to your ex.

[M2155]

She's right. If you were not coming from an emotional place, then sure I'd contact him with something friendly if I felt the need to be in touch. Hey I ran into so and so, I finally did XYZ, what was the name of that blah blah...etc (there are a thousand excuses you can dream up) when it's not about a relationship. But you are still looking toward the source of your pain for some sort of relief. You aren't going to find it there.

 

As you are convinced it will help you still to "be heard" then get it out of the way if its going to hold you back for another 6 months. Then you can ponder on the next strategy to help you move on. But what we are telling you is that sending a letter probably isn't going to change much for you- getting over this is going to come from your own determination to put him behind you and realize someone who can walk away so easily doesn't deserve to be in your life, regardles of what he knows, hears, thinks, feels. Any time we enter a relationship we take the risk of being hurt for the time of being happy or in love. It's true sometimes the heart has a mind of it's own but you get to control what you do about it.

[lilyblue]

First, thank you both so much for responding (and Mike). The fact that anyone even bothers to read this when I've been rehashing the same issue for months, much less takes the time to respond is so appreciated. You can imagine my friends would have nothing to do with me right now if I talked to them even half this much about it.

 

I've certainly been in your shoes far more times than I would have ever cared to be. I truly understand your hurt.

 

We all deserve more than what we got in our relationships. Unfortunately, that's why relationships, break-ups and exs are never perfect. Deserving is one thing but expecting is another.

 

He vanished on you and went back to his ex-wife. This was, and correct me if I am wrong, a little over 6 months ago. For the past 6 months, it has been YOUR choice to deal with your pain by bottling it up inside because you can't LET GO. You will never find answers that will tie all this up in a nice little package called closure.

 

You can send the letter. Remember you are sending it from an emotional standpoint. You're consumed by your own feelings therefore projecting what you believe he may feel as well. Understand he will be reading it with little/non-emotion. That in itself should make you want to put the brakes on. But if this is your way of provoking or seeking reaction to gauge where he is, then that's fine too. It is your choice to make.

 

The alternative to keeping it bottled away is learning to let go by gaining acceptance and finding forgiveness, and not by releasing it to your ex.

 

You're right, I can't let go. That's definitely a big issue. If I knew how to, believe me I would. I am trying, but I just don't know how to. Making a choice does not do anything for my heart.

 

I am sending it from an emotional standpoint, you are right. But I think I've also had time for my mind to become more rational. I don't think I did anything wrong, I don't think he hated me (most of the time). I'm a little more settled I guess than I was right when it happened. I'm not going to project anything on him that he may be feeling. I have no idea if he even thinks about me so I'm definitely not going to be jumping to any conclusions about what he may be feeling or not.

 

Gaining acceptance and finding forgiveness just ring kind of hollow for me. I don't know what to make of them or how to get there.

 

Again, thank you.

 

She's right. If you were not coming from an emotional place, then sure I'd contact him with something friendly if I felt the need to be in touch. Hey I ran into so and so, I finally did XYZ, what was the name of that blah blah...etc (there are a thousand excuses you can dream up) when it's not about a relationship. But you are still looking toward the source of your pain for some sort of relief. You aren't going to find it there.

 

As you are convinced it will help you still to "be heard" then get it out of the way if its going to hold you back for another 6 months. Then you can ponder on the next strategy to help you move on. But what we are telling you is that sending a letter probably isn't going to change much for you- getting over this is going to come from your own determination to put him behind you and realize someone who can walk away so easily doesn't deserve to be in your life, regardles of what he knows, hears, thinks, feels. Any time we enter a relationship we take the risk of being hurt for the time of being happy or in love. It's true sometimes the heart has a mind of it's own but you get to control what you do about it.

 

I could definitely think of a million little friendly things to send him, but I think that would be doing a huge disservice to myself and a reflection of incredibly poor self esteem, basically saying "I know you did something awful to me and treated me incredibly poorly, but I'm worth so little that you can treat me like crap and never acknowledge it and I'll still want to be your friend!"

 

I guess I'm not fully convinced about sending the letter since a) I haven't done it yet and b) I'm still (!) posting here about it. But nothing else has seemed to help me.

 

Logically it seems really clear that someone who could walk away from me so easily doesn't "deserve" me even thinking about him. But if this guy could walk away so easily then anybody could. And that's really depressing and scary. But that's getting into a whole different issue.

[geegirl]

You can't let go because you are still seeking answers. You are still trying to make sense of his ill treatment of you. You're still fueling your emotional attachment by consistently focusing on this for the past 6 months.

 

This letter in itself is a perfect example as to why you will never be able to let go. How many more days and weeks will you ponder on sending this one letter? Again, time invested attaching yourself to him. And when you send it, do you believe you will let that go. Most likely not. You will find something else to focus on. There is a reason why that after 6 months, you are still where you are. What you should be doing is using this time to snap yourself out of focusing on him and turning the attention on you.

 

It's not about whether you are rational or emotional. The question is why continue trying to resurrect what's already dead. You can't let go because you insist on holding on. Simple. You accept that you were treated poorly. You accept that he was not what you hoped he would be. You accept that he will never be accountable for his actions. You accept that you can never trust him again. And while your head and heart battles, everytime you turn your attention to him, rationalize and tell yourself of what the realities are rather than feed into what's been keeping you stuck. In time your head and heart will come to terms and you will slowly find yourself letting go.

 

Gaining acceptance and finding forgiveness sounds hollow to you because you've never given yourself a chance to let go of this. You've consistently filled your mind with this man for the past 6 months.

 

Obsessing does not give way to acceptance, and that in turn eliminates the prospect of forgiving and moving on.

[M2155]

She's on point again: )

 

If that doesnt inspire you, really for me I depressed the mess out of myself how pathetic I got letting this guy bring me down while he was out living his life. I was pissed off at myself and decided I needed to let it go. My feelings toward him change slowly day by day, there is nothing I could do about that, but my self-esteem had taken a HUGE hit, and that when I had to change my attitude and put myself back together. Thats what i couldnt get from him. I can even tell in pictures from just after, there was no light in my eyes- I was emotionally drowning. It is your choice to fight for the future as Gee said you are wasting time focusing on him. It's a good feeling to look back and see that I finally have ME back.

Edited April 12, 2012 by M2155

[lilyblue]

You can't let go because you are still seeking answers. You are still trying to make sense of his ill treatment of you. You're still fueling your emotional attachment by consistently focusing on this for the past 6 months.

 

This letter in itself is a perfect example as to why you will never be able to let go. How many more days and weeks will you ponder on sending this one letter? Again, time invested attaching yourself to him. And when you send it, do you believe you will let that go. Most likely not. You will find something else to focus on. There is a reason why that after 6 months, you are still where you are. What you should be doing is using this time to snap yourself out of focusing on him and turning the attention on you.

 

It's not about whether you are rational or emotional. The question is why continue trying to resurrect what's already dead. You can't let go because you insist on holding on. Simple. You accept that you were treated poorly. You accept that he was not what you hoped he would be. You accept that he will never be accountable for his actions. You accept that you can never trust him again. And while your head and heart battles, everytime you turn your attention to him, rationalize and tell yourself of what the realities are rather than feed into what's been keeping you stuck. In time your head and heart will come to terms and you will slowly find yourself letting go.

 

Gaining acceptance and finding forgiveness sounds hollow to you because you've never given yourself a chance to let go of this. You've consistently filled your mind with this man for the past 6 months.

 

Obsessing does not give way to acceptance, and that in turn eliminates the prospect of forgiving and moving on.

 

You guys do give me a lot to think about 

 

I don’t know that I’m seeking answers as much as acknowledgement, but I will give you that I am seeking something, and that’s probably what matters more than what it is. I understand why he went back to his exwife, or I’m at least satisfied with an explanation I have created. They have a huge amount of history, and I’m sure that’s hard to let go of. Clearly I have a problem letting go, so I’m not really faulting him for that.

 

I just think it’s awful what he did to me, and maybe a bigger part, is that I also miss him. I’m having a pretty good day today, but there was still a big part of me all day that was thinking “I’d give almost anything to be as happy as I was with him, to be back in that place we were last summer” I just don’t know how to stop thinking about him. The letter started as a way to get my thoughts out of my head an on “paper”. I was hoping it would be kind of a purge (even if I didn’t end up sending it to him). I don’t think it’s so much the cause of the thinking as the result of it. All the things you list for me to accept are true, yet they just make me so depressed to think about and accept as truth.

 

As much as I do think accepting is probably necessary, I really have no desire to forgive him for what he’s done. It’s really not forgivable.

 

 

She's on point again: )

 

If that doesnt inspire you, really for me I depressed the mess out of myself how pathetic I got letting this guy bring me down while he was out living his life. I was pissed off at myself and decided I needed to let it go. My feelings toward him change slowly day by day, there is nothing I could do about that, but my self-esteem had taken a HUGE hit, and that when I had to change my attitude and put myself back together. Thats what i couldnt get from him. I can even tell in pictures from just after, there was no light in my eyes- I was emotionally drowning. It is your choice to fight for the future as Gee said you are wasting time focusing on him. It's a good feeling to look back and see that I finally have ME back.

 

 

How does a decision to “let go” translate into reality? I honestly don’t feel like I’m in control of that decision. It’s not only my brain that still wants him, it’s ME. And I can’t seem to get through to me to not want him, if that makes any sense.