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can i get back to how i was before i ever met my first love?

bentleychris23

By bentleychris23
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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bentleychris23 Member

bentleychris23

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hi, i recently mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. 4 days ago to be exact, and obviously it's hurting bad. I'm doing the whole no contact thing and took her off my facebook. the first love thing took me by storm, i was never looking for it and it just caught me so off guard..i've never been a guy that was unhappy single. do you think i can get back to how i was before i ever met this girl? right now i'm really hurting badly.

chris24 Member

chris24

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First of all, I can relate, me and my first love just broke up, about a 1.5 months ago and I questioned this myself. But if you honestly sit down and think about it, if you don't think you can be happy without her, that means you invested all your happiness into one thing - that's NEVER how it should be. You have to find YOU and what makes YOU a happy person.

 

While everything seems like, "Well I did things with her to be happy." Thats not completely true, there are things out there that will bring YOU happiness, you just have to find them.

 

As they say, "Don't put the key to YOUR happiness in someone else's pocket."

budley12 Established Member

budley12

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same thing happened to me. ex dumped me after a 3year relationship (we were each others firsts). I went to therapy and everything, insomnia, lost mad weight. I am now 4months into the breakup and I am still depressed, but I do agree that we have to work on finding us again because we devoted too much happiness to one single person. I did everything with my ex, my life was my ex... and now that person is gone I feel like my life is gone (which it is atm).

 

My therapist gave an analogy... Before our ex's came into our lives our temple had many pillars standing the structure up. However, as we fell in love with our ex we slowly built up that one single pillar but left the others stranded. I personally built my ex's pillar up so high that as soon as my ex left me and that pillar shattered, it destroyed my whole temple. Now here I am trying to rebuild other pillars to rebuild my structure.

coltsfan1 Established Member

coltsfan1

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the short answer is yes and no. You will get back to your old self but you will be changed from the experience, if you are able to grow then you will experience a better you after all is said and done.

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jennisfora Established Member

jennisfora

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our experiences are part of what makes us who we are, change is good, you will never be the same person, but you will be a stronger, wiser person. *hugs*

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bentleychris23 Member

bentleychris23

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ok thanks for the advice guys. how long of no contact do you think itll take to start feeling better and distanced? right now i still want to be there for her in times of trouble, even though i know i cant. as i said, it was a breakup due to fighting too often to the point of unhealthy. however we both still love each other. idk, its just tough, only way i can describe coping with this feeling. really really tough.

jennisfora Established Member

jennisfora

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i think it varies depending on the person/situation. i know im still not over my ex, and he ditched me in january, but have only been doing NC for a week, before that, we kept in touch kinda, sporatically. i feel better, now, but, if i talked to him, it would send me in a tailspin and i'd be back at square one. so, i can't say, but i think 3 months at the minimum, possibly more. I guess you will not notice the time after awhile, and when you don't care, is when you can contact, but by then you won't have the urge to. *hugs*

budley12 Established Member

budley12

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ok thanks for the advice guys. how long of no contact do you think itll take to start feeling better and distanced? right now i still want to be there for her in times of trouble, even though i know i cant. as i said, it was a breakup due to fighting too often to the point of unhealthy. however we both still love each other. idk, its just tough, only way i can describe coping with this feeling. really really tough.

 

Im at 8weeks of NC after a 4month breakup. I am still quite down about it. Some weeks seem better than others and it is still a rollercoaster.

chris24 Member

chris24

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Im at 8weeks of NC after a 4month breakup. I am still quite down about it. Some weeks seem better than others and it is still a rollercoaster.

 

I agree, it is a roller coaster of emotions, but at some point in time, you have to ask yourself when you've had enough, when it's time to get off the roller coaster and just start enjoying life.

Glove_slap Established Member

Glove_slap

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No you can never back to how you were before you met your first love. Any attempt at doing so will result in constant pain and suffering not to mention the lonely nights of crying yourself to sleep. I've tried it and failed miserably.

 

With that being said, you can however grow into a new person. Grow emotionally and mentally into the person you always wanted to be. This is the perfect time. The old you is dead and people don't come back from the dead let alone personalities.

Nohbody Established Member

Nohbody

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No. You probably can't.

 

But that's ok. We are, as human beings living our lives, constantly changing, evolving, and developing. To "go back" is tantamount to rejecting life.

 

Your experiences will either enrich your life or make your life worse - and a large part of that is up to you.

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bentleychris23 Member

bentleychris23

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so what are the best steps i can take right now to grow from this and move past it? i'm already doing no contact and trying to keep myself busy.

budley12 Established Member

budley12

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so what are the best steps i can take right now to grow from this and move past it? i'm already doing no contact and trying to keep myself busy.

 

If only it was as simple as following a step-by-step guide. I dont believe that there are exact steps to take to get over someone because I have tried them all and havnt gotten very far. But there are some things to help the process:

-cry, and cry, and cry, until you cant cry anymore (dont hold feelings in)

-talk to friends, family, strangers about your feelings/story (but dont let this phase become your new obsession- this happened to me because it felt like I was still connected to my ex by talking about him, besides your friends will start pushing you away if you are always down)

-read inspirational books (dr dwyer is one of my favorites)

-start running, going to the gym, and type of physical activity

-i started going back to church, and listening to christian music (nothing like a good christian group to talk to and get you in higher spirits)

-journal your feelings, so that you can look back at them and see your progress (i wish i had done this because some days I say "im never getting better" - however at the beginning of my breakup i couldnt eat, get out of bed, etc...)

-become creative (I created my avatar by learning photoshop, and it has great meaning with my relationship, and I plan on using this with a sand art project -which has a really cool philosophy behind it, maybe I will make a post about it. Sand art created by monks to show that you can spend hours, weeks, months at one goal and when you are finished you can enjoy the beauty, but then nothing lasts forever. You then take the sand art masterpiece and scape it into a bowl and dump the sand into a water body. ).

 

These are just a few things that I have experienced with my breakup. It is not easy, I am at 4months after BU and 8weeks NC and I still have very depressed days and feel alone. But my new outlook on this loneliness is that it will truly allow me to develop myself and find myself again rather than masking it by finding another "fling" relationship.

Edited by budley12
Kamila Established Member

Kamila

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can i get back to how i was before i ever met my first love?

 

To answer you question: yes you can, you can even become better !

 

Why ? Because you had the experience of a lifetime.

You experienced love, then the confusion and finally the break-up.

You're in pain because you yearn for the one that left.

 

The one that you can't have anymore.

 

She belongs in the past, and you'll have to get past this.

This takes time and hardship.

But you can make it.

 

Take this experience and accept what you had.

 

You don't want to go back before you met your first love, it's like erasing the entire relationship you had with that person.

You need to grow from the pain.

 

The best way into achieving this kind of release is to go no contact.

That will also hurt, but you're gonna make it.

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