elane Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I am proposing this question to both women and men. Has anyone ever felt that there parnter was somewhere else while they were making love to you? The other night, my husband woke me and we started making love. Everything started great. However I noticed that he was getting more intense & was looking away from me. (He was with me, but I felt like I was watching him have sex with someone else). I turned his head toward me a few time (kind of to say "hey are you with me"). When he was finished (he did not ejaculate) he rolled over and did not hold me as he normally does. I felt dirty & used. When I woke up in the morning he asked me if something was wrong. I told him that I felt like he wasn't with me when we made love. He told me that he was with me, but he just had a hard time trying to ejaculate. I know that everyone fantasizes from time to time, but this honestly seemed like he was completely somewhere else. Another concern is that I recently found out that he has visited a lot of amatuer porn sites & live webcam-phone sex sites. He did not pay for them, but some of them had free minutes. He told me that he was only at these sites looking at pictures, not looking for someone to have sex with and did not send or receive any chats, e-mails, or phone calls.
Paradise Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 I read about the percentage of both men and women who fantasize about someone else while having sex with their partner and I remember it was much larger than I thought (I don’t remember the exact percentage). You need to understand this situation, if your husband had hard time ejaculating. It sounds like to me that he was trying too hard and failed, so that might have been the reason he didn't hold you after (maybe a little shame). Other part about visiting amateur porn sites & live webcam-phone sex sites is going to lead him into only trouble. You need to talk to him and help him to overcome this before it gets out of hand.
BlueLP Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 I think the topic has been explored sufficiently on other threads, but the porn isn't necessarily going to be a problem....he may just be looking at typical porn sites with those types of labels (which some people wouldn't see a huge problem with). That's a pretty common thing. However, if it bothers you or if you are concerned about it, that is what matters. In every relationship it is about each partner's level of comfort with those types of things, and it seems clear you aren't very comfortable with that. I agree with Paradise, have a talk with him, express your feelings and get to the bottom of your concerns about him.
Author elane Posted June 17, 2004 Author Posted June 17, 2004 Thank you both for your point of view on this subject. He told me that he won't look at these sites anymore. Again, I told him that I did not have a problem with regular porn. It's the amateur sites showing women doing EVERYTHING & the live webcam/chat porno sites that bothered me. I really want to know why he was at these sites & exactly what he was looking at/for. Should I just let it go or should I ask him to show me the sites & what he was looking at to see what it is he might want? Our sex life is great (so I thought). However, now I wonder if he feels the same way.
Pyrannaste Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Isn't that awful when your partner seems distant while making love and you start thinking he is fantasizing about someone else(and you are usually right) I'd be very bothered by live-webcam/chat porno sites too. And I can understand your concern with amateur sites. While I usually don't mind my bf to be on amateur sites (hey, at least it's *real* women, not perfect-looking and fake-looking pornstars...and in amateur sites he goes to women usually look like they are enjoying themselves) I got pretty shocked at a few pictures my bf saved... they were from BDSM sites, and *very* disturbing. It was the only time I asked him to delete some pictures. Amateur sites can be scaring .... expecially when 'women doing everything' can really include women getting badly hurt. And you can start to wonder whether the women on amateur sites where okay with it. While on porn sites you know that women-whatever they do- are consenting and paid for it-on amateur sites you can't really be sure you are not looking at pics of domestic sexual abuse. I think it is great that he is willing not to look at those sites anymore....and your request is very reasonable, it's not like you asked him to give up porn. I really want to know why he was at these sites & exactly what he was looking at/for. Should I just let it go or should I ask him to show me the sites & what he was looking at to see what it is he might want? I think it can be either a great idea or a terrible idea, it depens on your attitude. If you are upset at him while askinghim to do so, you are not probably going to get an answer and possibly heading to an argument. If instead you ask him in a calm and relaxed way -without sounding accusing- to show you what he was looking at...explaining that it is to know him better, to learn what he likes to fantasize about, to get a clue about something you could try in bed with him, it is an excellent idea.
BlueLP Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 It sounds like you handled the situation in a mature way, nicely but clearly expressing your feelings. Sounds like he responded well....he probably felt that you had very reasonable requests involving this webcam/live chat stuff. I don't know if visiting the sites sounds like the best idea to me. He may not really want those things (just fantasy), or if he does it would probably be better to find out by him telling you directly. This is a good opening if either of you would like to try out something new. I don't know if gaining that info from the websites is worth the upset feelings you may encounter viewing them.
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