dating sucks

[eleanorhurting]

Other than a few High school little flings, I have had 3 serious relationships who were all people that i knew or knew me from school/church/somewhere and things just progressed.

 

Ever since I have been introduced to what "dating" is... i don't think it is going to work for me at all! I mean it is fun to go out with people and eat and do fun things... but that is about it!

 

I feel like there is so much game playing and little check-lists that sometimes people don't even get to know the real person behind the "date".

 

I was just talking on the phone with a guy friend who decided not to go on a second date with a girl because she seems like she spends a lot of money on clothes...

 

So do I! I would hate it if someone took me off their list because I love to shop! I bag it to lunch to save money on that biatch so I can pay for my cute outfits!

 

Anyways, I would much much rather be having so much fun and doing so many good things with my life that the right person will just see me for who I really am and will walk into my life naturally.

 

I'm done putting on this little act on dates and worrying about "not saying the wrong thing" or "not coming off to desperate" or "acting cool" to only compete with the other 4-5 girls the guy is dating at the same time.

 

I am just going to be me all the time I don't care what anyone thinks. I am sure the rest will fall into place.

[eleanorhurting]

im sorry if the title of the thread is misleading

Im sure it does not suck for some people

[SmileFace]

No dating generally sucks. Doesn't matter how you paint it. I am amazed that someone as pretty as you has such an uneventful dating life. Yet, I am probably too modest since I am pretty myself and have a blah dating life. So yeah dating generally sucks.

[Fondue]

You should never have to put up a front to obtain a relationship. If you do, that just falsify things.

 

The part where you said you plan on just being you is key. Just be yourself, don't sugar coat things, and stop worrying about finding something/someone. Things WILL fall in place.

 

They always do.

[Kuen]

Base on your story about your friend that was not good because the woman she's dating has another agenda to him and he should have refuse buying stuff for that is not his concern.

 

Good for your friend he decided to stop seeing the woman.

[eleanorhurting]

No dating generally sucks. Doesn't matter how you paint it. I am amazed that someone as pretty as you has such an uneventful dating life. Yet, I am probably too modest since I am pretty myself and have a blah dating life. So yeah dating generally sucks.

 

well I did not really date in between my relationships. I mean not seriously at least.

 

I didnt really take the time to. Usually after 3-4 months of being single someone would come along. At least that was what happened with numers 2 and 3.

 

After I broke up with my last serious relationship in December of 2010 I have gone on LOTS of dates but none of them really amounted to much. The only significants have been the guy who strung me along last summer and completely screwed me over. But I was naive and stupid. I have grown up so much.

 

I started liking someone recently but we have never even been on a date. Again, it was someone I knew from before who also knew me and I never have had to pretend with him.

[Art_Critic]

I am just going to be me all the time I don't care what anyone thinks. I am sure the rest will fall into place.

 

That honestly is what is expected in Dating....

 

If you put up a false front that will come down after a while.

[eleanorhurting]

That honestly is what is expected in Dating....

 

If you put up a false front that will come down after a while.

 

Yeah but I feel like the whole process is like going to a job interview.

Thats not how I picture finding love.

[xxoo]

I am just going to be me all the time I don't care what anyone thinks. I am sure the rest will fall into place.

 

No use trying to be anyone else!

 

Walk your path, and you'll meet compatible people along the way. It'll happen.

[kaylan]

I can see why a guy would be turned off by a girl who spends a lot of money on clothing. She would come off as vapid and materialistic. Especially if she only saves her money for that purpose. I understand your friend completely.

 

And life isnt a movie. Sometimes people dont just walk into your life. Sometimes you have to put effort into finding them. Dont be lazy or have a defeatist attitude. Go get what you want.

 

No dating generally sucks. Doesn't matter how you paint it. I am amazed that someone as pretty as you has such an uneventful dating life. Yet, I am probably too modest since I am pretty myself and have a blah dating life. So yeah dating generally sucks.

Pretty wont make someone worth dating or someone whos fun to date. A guy and girl need to be more than just attractive to have a successful dating life.

Edited April 1, 2012 by kaylan

[johan]

I don't have negative opinion of women who have lot of clothes. Although I do think about whether they are any good with money. Major credit card debt doesn't turn me on like it used to. That and I don't have a wardrobe to match hers. She will probably out-dress me.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah along with what Kaylan is saying about the whole how you dress situation.

 

A guy interprets a woman who appears to be dressing "expensively" as being materialistic and possibly superficial, along with having high expectations/maintenance.

 

So unless that guy is willing to cross that bridge or take that chance then he may back down or cross you off their list, maybe you'll want expensive get-aways, or gifts, constant pampering.

 

It also means that this is where the majority of her money is being invested in If she's young, so she may be irresponsible with her money, vain or even being insecure with herself which is why she invests so much on her appearance..starring in the mirror all day.

 

It's not that lot of men necessarily always mind that you dress well and are put together...we like that very much, they just want to know that you're still down-to-earth and just not just this superficial money pit that's going to milk them and maybe they even feel insecure they don't make enough money to meet your needs so they become discouraged, unless of course they're making a great deal of money or don't mind keeping you around by meeting your expectations...those guys very well exist as well, but they're generally less confident because confident men don't necessarily feel they have to keep women around with money, they can take it or leave it all the same.

 

If you know what you want and what you're looking for why are there so many dates going on? I think that can definitely burn you out when you're just being "open-minded" and giving a lot of guys a shot.

 

But as to not burn yourself out I'd advise just getting to know people as friends first or just in general before diving in and dating and putting the pressure of progressing and then feeling empty and like it was a waste of time maybe.

 

I think dating can suck and most guys don't have the luxury of dating 4-5 girls at the same time even If they're telling you that...plus the cost of that is not desirable for most men.

 

Hopefully you can dig deeper in your communication with people, getting past the superficial dating aspect of it and talking about real things, real values, beliefs, emotions...things that make you feel like you can connect with a person...If you date like it's all fun and games and just seeing where It's going with shallow or general conversation then that's definitely going to leave you feeling like you're only scratching the surface.

 

If you can't truly be yourself on these dates, then who are you hoping these guys to fall for? You're never as good as being yourself, so why are you so worried these men when like you or be interested in you when you're not even showing the real person without the act?

 

You can either follow the general norm where you're putting your best foot forward and trying to be a character of someone you'd like to be, conforming to what that other person likes or is looking for or you can cut the games and be yourself and try and make a real connection with someone without having to try or worry about pretending to be something you're not or what not.

 

It only works for a little while anyway, It's silly to shed that skin in the relationship showing who you really are as you progress...that just makes people feel mislead and confused, because one day you were this way and then the next you are not. Or one day this kind of a person then the next you're saying this is who you really are...that's why people have some trouble developing relationships, because their running off fumes and then as they progress into the relationship they start showing each other who they really are and when the smoke clears and the clouds start to dissipate a little where you're thinking less "magically" and all emotional they start wondering who they're with and how the hell they got there, it was like a flash.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[eleanorhurting]

yeah I was definitely open-minded for a while and would say yes to pretty much any dinner invite but I stopped. Besides, I used to meet these people when I "went out" and I have not been doing that a lot lately...just Staying in, studying, surfing the net, going out with friends to dinner and such but not really to bars or clubs.

 

And I get what you are saying about the clothes but my whole point is that you are making this whole judgment about how this person really is based on how they are dressed on a date? That is what I don't like about dating! I feel like you are just screening for a red flag and you are not even getting to know the person (hey I have done it too but I really dont think its fair).

[eleanorhurting]

Yeah along with what Kaylan is saying about the whole how you dress situation.

 

 

 

But as to not burn yourself out I'd advise just getting to know people as friends first or just in general before diving in and dating and putting the pressure of progressing and then feeling empty and like it was a waste of time maybe.

 

.

 

Yes! That is what I am trying to say! That is how my relationships in the past have started anyway, and that is how I started liking the guy I like now. We were friends. They got to know me, no pressure about anything, already knew about my imperfections and decided to go for me anyway.

[Ninjainpajamas]

yeah I was definitely open-minded for a while and would say yes to pretty much any dinner invite but I stopped. Besides, I used to meet these people when I "went out" and I have not been doing that a lot lately...just Staying in, studying, surfing the net, going out with friends to dinner and such but not really to bars or clubs.

 

And I get what you are saying about the clothes but my whole point is that you are making this whole judgment about how this person really is based on how they are dressed on a date? That is what I don't like about dating! I feel like you are just screening for a red flag and you are not even getting to know the person (hey I have done it too but I really dont think its fair).

 

Dating really isn't a fair game....people size each other up quickly, make judgments without even really knowing the person and more assumptions you can throw a stick at!

 

But that's the way it is, It's partly human nature, we're just programmed to really "analyze" something quickly and then bam make a decision about mating. And in this world and society people have developed expectations and assumptions by how people dress or look and they are guilty by association. That's not going to change though, that I think is going to be the case until people get to know each other more or someone they judged harshly and found out them to be something they are not...it's attributed to lack of experience and remembering that underneath all that the person is still a human being...people tend to forget that, unfortunately the people who do fit the stereotypes represent the rest of the majority.

 

But yes it works both ways and we all do it, and obviously not just with dating...but some people feel not judging people is too liberal of an idea.

 

I'm just surprised that you knew these guys so well that you were friends with and something didn't work out...was it lack of chemistry? did they decide to break it off?

 

Otherwise something leads me to believe that you may have a lack of self-awareness that is apparent to men that leaves them feeling things are a little dicey when getting to know you on a more personal level...maybe they feel apprehensive or unsure about you? conflicted?

 

It just doesn't add up how you're not ending up in a relationship after all these dates and dating people who know you are a friendship level first, the odds were definitely in your favor of ending up in one.

 

Anyway that's me thinking out loud at the end there...a bit off topic and more curiosity than a question.

Edited April 2, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[eleanorhurting]

Dating really isn't a fair game....people size each other up quickly, make judgments without even really knowing the person and more assumptions you can throw a stick at!

 

But that's the way it is, It's partly human nature, we're just programmed to really "analyze" something quickly and then bam make a decision about mating. And in this world and society people have developed expectations and assumptions by how people dress or look and they are guilty by association. That's not going to change though, that I think is going to be the case until people get to know each other more or someone they judged harshly and found out them to be something they are not...it's attributed to lack of experience and remembering that underneath all that the person is still a human being...people tend to forget that, unfortunately the people who do fit the stereotypes represent the rest of the majority.

 

But yes it works both ways and we all do it, and obviously not just with dating...but some people feel not judging people is too liberal of an idea.

 

I'm just surprised that you knew these guys so well that you were friends with and something didn't work out...was it lack of chemistry? did they decide to break it off?

 

Otherwise something leads me to believe that you may have a lack of self-awareness that is apparent to men that leaves them feeling things are a little dicey when getting to know you on a more personal level...maybe they feel apprehensive or unsure about you? conflicted?

 

It just doesn't add up how you're not ending up in a relationship after all these dates and dating people who know you are a friendship level first, the odds were definitely in your favor of ending up in one.

 

Anyway that's me thinking out loud at the end there...a bit off topic and more curiosity than a question.

 

NO NO the ones that i got to know as friends first were my actual relationships. The people I have gone on random dates with were people who I met and who I guess were attracted to me and asked me out. But it hardly ever goes beyond 1 or 2 dates.

 

My first was when I was 19 and it lasted a year.

 

He broke it off because he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and he got back with her short after.

 

The second was 20-22. I broke up with him after 2 years because I was young and immature and he had a temper which I did not appreciate. I also was not very attracted to him sexually. But he was a great guy and it was a shame that we were at different stages in our lives. He was a huge part of my life.

 

The third was when i was 23 We were together for a year-ish. I really messed this one up too. I have posted about it before. Definitely learned a lot from it and from my other relationships and I am definitely going to do much better the next time someone comes along.

 

 

I am not sure what you mean about the self-aware thing?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Now that you're getting married to Dust, you can leave all this mess behind you!

[eleanorhurting]

Now that you're getting married to Dust, you can leave all this mess behind you!

 

I know, I finally found the one

[TheFinalWord]

Other than a few High school little flings, I have had 3 serious relationships who were all people that i knew or knew me from school/church/somewhere and things just progressed.

 

Ever since I have been introduced to what "dating" is... i don't think it is going to work for me at all! I mean it is fun to go out with people and eat and do fun things... but that is about it!

 

I feel like there is so much game playing and little check-lists that sometimes people don't even get to know the real person behind the "date".

 

I was just talking on the phone with a guy friend who decided not to go on a second date with a girl because she seems like she spends a lot of money on clothes...

 

So do I! I would hate it if someone took me off their list because I love to shop! I bag it to lunch to save money on that biatch so I can pay for my cute outfits!

 

Anyways, I would much much rather be having so much fun and doing so many good things with my life that the right person will just see me for who I really am and will walk into my life naturally.

 

I'm done putting on this little act on dates and worrying about "not saying the wrong thing" or "not coming off to desperate" or "acting cool" to only compete with the other 4-5 girls the guy is dating at the same time.

 

I am just going to be me all the time I don't care what anyone thinks. I am sure the rest will fall into place.

 

Well, correct me if I'm wrong Eleanor, but didn't you say you weren't very financially stable? That you used a lot of loan money?

 

Most men know women like to shop LOL we may be clueless about women, but we aren't THAT clueless So it isn't that.

 

From the impressions I've gotten, you have stated you are looking for either a LT relationship with potential for marriage. If a girl spends a lot of money and has the means to do so, that is one thing; but if she's in a financial hole and still spending like crazy that is going to be a huge red flag for lots of men. Why? Well, finances are a huge stressor in marriages. It's already stressful enough with the economy, but if one of the people in the relationship doesn't value a dollar it can create constant tension and fights.

 

I can tell you a list of major red flags for most guys:

 

Spends out of proportion with funds (shows that you don't think about the future; debt doesn't disappear; it has to be paid eventually. Lack of realization of this fact shows a level of immaturity)

Eats too much

Bossy

What we do is never enough, constantly berated

 

I've had women that excelled in each of these categories and eventually it ended. If you can work on these areas and focus on improving that will help you and any other woman out a lot.

 

Now, as far as being yourself; yes it's a must. But part of being yourself is knowing yourself. One key aspect of knowing yourself is to know your own weaknesses and own up to them. If you don't know your own weaknesses it can make for a rocky relationship. For example, I know I can be stubborn when I make a decision. I recognize this about myself and can often catch myself acting like this and stop it to prevent causing a fight.

Edited April 2, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I am just going to be me all the time I don't care what anyone thinks. I am sure the rest will fall into place.

 

 

 

So are we!

[tigressA]

Dating does suck when all you really want is a relationship. You just want to meet the right person and have it all fall into place without really having to do anything at all.

 

When I wasn't focused on finding a relationship, I loved dating around. When I did want a relationship and dated with that intention, I got bored when date after date failed to pan out and become something more, and just gave up. Funnily enough, it was when I quit trying that I ended up in relationships, including my current one.

[eleanorhurting]

Well, correct me if I'm wrong Eleanor, but didn't you say you weren't very financially stable? That you used a lot of loan money?

 

Most men know women like to shop LOL we may be clueless about women, but we aren't THAT clueless So it isn't that.

 

From the impressions I've gotten, you have stated you are looking for either a LT relationship with potential for marriage. If a girl spends a lot of money and has the means to do so, that is one thing; but if she's in a financial hole and still spending like crazy that is going to be a huge red flag for lots of men. Why? Well, finances are a huge stressor in marriages. It's already stressful enough with the economy, but if one of the people in the relationship doesn't value a dollar it can create constant tension and fights.

 

I can tell you a list of major red flags for most guys:

 

Spends out of proportion with funds (shows that you don't think about the future; debt doesn't disappear; it has to be paid eventually. Lack of realization of this fact shows a level of immaturity)

Eats too much

Bossy

What we do is never enough, constantly berated

 

I've had women that excelled in each of these categories and eventually it ended. If you can work on these areas and focus on improving that will help you and any other woman out a lot.

 

Now, as far as being yourself; yes it's a must. But part of being yourself is knowing yourself. One key aspect of knowing yourself is to know your own weaknesses and own up to them. If you don't know your own weaknesses it can make for a rocky relationship. For example, I know I can be stubborn when I make a decision. I recognize this about myself and can often catch myself acting like this and stop it to prevent causing a fight.

 

 

yup yup I have lots of student loans. But not credit card debt or anything like that.

 

But yeah I see what you mean.

 

I guess for someone who is also in grad/professional school maybe they won't think its weird to be 25 and living off student loans/my parents/my practically non-existant savings/spare tutoring jobs here and there. But for anyone else who is not in that situation and who has a steady source of income I can see how that would be a problem.

 

Hopefully that will change in exactly 14 months when I start my residency and start making real money. $$$

 

i hope dusty won't mind marrying my debt. I promise we will make enough to pay it off honey!

[TheFinalWord]

yup yup I have lots of student loans. But not credit card debt or anything like that.

 

But yeah I see what you mean.

 

I guess for someone who is also in grad/professional school maybe they won't think its weird to be 25 and living off student loans/my parents/my practically non-existant savings/spare tutoring jobs here and there. But for anyone else who is not in that situation and who has a steady source of income I can see how that would be a problem.

 

Hopefully that will change in exactly 14 months when I start my residency and start making real money. $$$

 

i hope dusty won't mind marrying my debt. I promise we will make enough to pay it off honey!

 

Awesome! Well it sounds like you have it under control and have a plan in place so shouldn't be an issue for you.

 

I agree with you that it's very important to be yourself. The right person for you will not require any false front. If you like shopping, then that is what you like! For the record, I can't see 95% of guys having any issue with that. We know you all love to shop

 

Since you're a Christian, I know you'll understand this...but the bible says the wife reflects the glory of the husband. I don't want my wife dressing in old rags! That's reflection on me. Your man should be helping support your desire to look nice. If not, he doesn't love himself.

 

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Edited April 2, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[zengirl]

Acts don't work long-term anyway. I agree that "acting" different than who you are sucks. Thing is, what I don't get is why people fret about the things others might reject them for. In dating, we're going to reject most potentials, and most will reject us. After all, we're all looking for something special, right?

 

And it's mostly soft "rejection" because -- like you say -- it's from someone who doesn't know us. So it's not really an assessment of who we ARE but just a mismatch. Most will be mismatches, and that can be frustrating, but I think the primary reason people who find it frustrating find it so frustrating are. . . they are going in with the mindset that it will be a match. I say go in with no expectations, and it will be WAY less frustrating. Just let it play out.