fishtaco Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Posting in an unrelated thread reminded me of this. Didn't want to jack it, so I'm venting here. I was in a long distance relationship. She lived 120 miles away from me. We used to take the train to see each other every weekend. It was a pain, but it was also romantic. Sending the other one off on the train, waiting in anticipation for the train to arrive... But she was very jealous, and I have many friends, roughly half of them female. We fought about this all the time. She was cheated on, so I should understand where she was coming from, but she walked into this relationship knowing I'm a very social person, and my friends are important to me, because I don't have much of a family to speak of. My friends are my family. I started hanging out with my friends less, I always made sure there was at least one other guy in the group...etc, but that wasn't enough. Tired of the reoccurring fights, I made up my mind to break it off with her. I drove on a Monday night, 120 miles to her house, to break up with her personally. In an effort to change my mind, she cooked dinner and broke out this bottle of red wine that was the best I have ever tasted. Her dad collected red wines and left her a huge collection. I told her it would be wasted on me, but she insisted. I can still taste that the red wine today, the delightful way it danced on my taste buds, horribly contrasted by the dismay I felt in my gut, as if some supernatural entity was playing a joke on me. I'm one stubborn son-of-a-bitch. I did break up with her; I couldn't even change my own mind. It's a decision that I regret deeply. Yes, our relationship wasn't working, we had obstacles. But I should have put in more of an effort to make things work. Then six months, a year, two years later, even if we still end up breaking up, I could say, you know, I gave it my best shot. But I didn't. I walked away. Even if it was the right thing to do, it left a question mark. I was unable to have a relationship for the next two years. Eventually I contacted her and apologized. What else could I do? She accepted my apology, and insisted that she was partially to blame. But when I brought up the possibility of getting back together, she unsurprisingly told me no. Second chances are luxuries. I broke her heart, I screwed up. Now we are just acquaintances, exchanging email once every year or so. It was my most horrible night. And because of my decision, I hurt her deeply too. To this day, I use the excuse "red wine gives me a headache" whenever I'm offered. I supposed if I ever go wine tasting, I'd have some red wine. But under normal circumstances, I'd rather have skunky beer. Just venting because I remembered.
Thatguyintx Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Okay, I have to ask. Has your opinion of having opposite sex friends changed at all? Especially considering the distance you had from her? It just seems to me that sometimes people are really playing with fire having opposite sex friends with more access than their partner. (I admit I have a dog in this fight as my last ex had a guy "friend" she worked with and shared many intimate conversations with. I had a huge problem with this as we would only see each other once every two weeks or so, yet she would meet with the "friend" daily. I have no idea if they are dating and don't need to know.) 1
Ajax Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I can relate to this on a certain level, in that my current girlfriend is extremely uncomfortable with the fact that I have female friends, most of whom have been around for close to ten years. It just seems to me that sometimes people are really playing with fire having opposite sex friends with more access than their partner. Maybe this is true. But for me, true friends are hard to come by and I'm not willing to part with some simply because they're of the opposite gender. I think it comes down to two different relationship philosophies. One where people can be friends with members of the opposite sex. The other believing that it will invariably lead to cheating. And maybe neither philosophy is wrong, just that relationships work best when both partners have the same one.
threebyfate Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 ft, had a feeling there was more to you than what you normally expressed on LS. You have a heart.
Thatguyintx Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Ajax, I think the biggest variable is the accountability of your actions with your friends. The distance from your partner while the friends have proximity is a danger if those friends hang out one-on-one. Intimate conversation and actions build intimacy. If the friends are more in a group setting, then the risk is certainly lessened. And if the friends are exposed to the partner, the risk is lessened more. I have been on both sides of this issue. I know I am naive, but I know I fell for a friend while she was "helping" me with my relationship issues. And I have been the one who watched a partner progress with a friend under the guise of friendship. And yes, I have women as friends that I have known for a long time, but I am very careful in my interactions with them while in a relationship. And I am respectful of them when they are in a relationship. Do you think the proximity and access makes a difference?
Author fishtaco Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Okay, I have to ask. Has your opinion of having opposite sex friends changed at all? Especially considering the distance you had from her? Absolutely not. My female friends have been around for a long time. I have friends I've known since the late 80's. I do not cheat, never have in my past. I will not cut off my friends because I decided to have a girlfriend. Cut back seeing them, yes, of course. That's expected. But cut off? No way. So I understand where she was coming from, but that doesn't mean I would just tuck my tail in, turn into a doormat and accept it. I could have either walked away like I did, or worked with her to reach an acceptable compromise... which I should have tried more of. But every failure, I learn something. Now I'm aware of my tendency to choose the walk away option, and I'm more vigilant about it. ft, had a feeling there was more to you than what you normally expressed on LS. You have a heart. Damn, FBT... you're ruining my street cred. Now I need to go get some gunshot wounds to make up for it. Thanks, I think. LOL. My principle is actually very simple. I separate between dating (as in courting) and relationships. Most of my posts on LS are from my dating brain. This one is from my relationship brain. 1
threebyfate Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Well tf, had you been thinking on your feet, you would have laughed and said "April Fools!" and retained your bad boy rep! Too late now. Next you'll be posting about actually liking to talk to a girl you're dating, admitting to beefing up on your philosophy so you can keep up to the convo. Your days are numbered.
Author fishtaco Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Well tf, had you been thinking on your feet, you would have laughed and said "April Fools!" and retained your bad boy rep! Too late now. Next you'll be posting about actually liking to talk to a girl you're dating, admitting to beefing up on your philosophy so you can keep up to the convo. Your days are numbered. LOL, you even copied my dyslexic typo of the acronym of your name. Man you're on the ball, me, I'm dropping it.
Ajax Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Do you think the proximity and access makes a difference? Yes, it probably does. I guess my reaction on this thread (and I didn't mean to hijack it) and frustration in my current situations comes from the fact that my female friends don't have greater access to me, and I've maintained appropriate boundaries, and yet my girlfriend gets upset if I even mention them in casual conversation, let alone ever see them. It's my problem and it's only slightly relevant to the OP's point. I just related to that aspect of it. But like fishtaco, I don't feel like I should scrap my friendships of a decade or more simply because it makes one person insecure. Hopefully we'll be able to strike a balance with which we'll both be comfortable. But I'm not sure that will be possible. In which case I can see myself going down the same road as the OP.
Recommended Posts