Jane2011 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Actually, Oxy, I think you think the way you do because you are just a certain type of guy. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be the type of guy you are, or that you need to change, especially if you have no desire to. You just have to realize that there are men out there who are different from you.
fucpcg Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (1) I have never dated a woman who wasn't my best friend while we were dating, and typically a good friend before and after the relationship as well. (2) About 75% of my friends that I hang out with are women. I would describe at least half of those girls as attractive to gorgeous. So for me, such a claim would be ridiculous, as well as any claim that you can't be friends with a woman who you find attractive.
Chubbi Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I think it's very sad about what some of the men here are posting with not wanting female friends. I have a guyfriend I met back in college who was obsessed with a friend of mine. We bonded through that and he was very open and honest with me. But now, reading some of the male posts, I think I know a bit of the difference now. Back then, he wasn't attracted to me at all; he was obsessed with my friend, but I really valued the friendship because it's notoriously hard for me to make friends. I was also not attracted to him at all either, so the feeling was mutual and we had someone to talk to; he felt better talking to me about certain things than other guys, mostly because he was a hopeless romantic and I am romantic but pragmatic. Now, though he seems more guarded with me; I don't know if it's because he's realized I'm attractive after 5 years of knowing each other or because we haven't seen each other in awhile. I think it's because he realized I'm attractive, but I hope that fades, as I really just want a friend. Very sad about cross-gender friends. I think if he calls next time he will probably not video skype with me and instead just call me. In the middle of the convo, he seemed to get very nervous about his appearance and he turned his videocam off; he says he's lost some of his confidence sadly but I picked on him anyway because he used to be so sure of his goodlooks in college. He told me I looked good though and did not have to worry about turning off my videocam:laugh:
kaylan Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Jane. I think all Oxy is saying that is its highly HIGHLY probable that your male friends have feelings for you. I wouldnt be surprised if you started saying to them that you wanted to date or hook up, that theyd say yes. I have a couple of platonic female friends. And even though I normally dont see them in an attracted way, on some very rare occasions my mind will wander. But thats really only because we have become so familiar with one another. In reality I could never ever do it though.
Jane2011 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Jane. I think all Oxy is saying that is its highly HIGHLY probable that your male friends have feelings for you. I wouldnt be surprised if you started saying to them that you wanted to date or hook up, that theyd say yes. I know, but I already acknowledged that in previous posts. That was one of the very first things I said: "I have no doubt that some of my male friends [not coincidentally the lesser ones] have a degree of attraction to me and that if I were interested, they'd go for it. But I also don't think they're pining for me." (How could they be pining for me when they have girlfriends and dates of their own?). I also said these are also guys who still want to hang out, even knowing I'm not interested in them. They're just willing to talk about our common interests/hobbies/experiences, etc. I tell them about personal things, and they tell me about personal things. Hence, they put being kind of close above sexual tension, and don't make a big deal out of it (the sexual tension). Also, how seriously can one take -- or how much meaning can one put on -- "your male friends are attracted to you" if men admittedly are attracted to most women? Guys are attracted to their female friends to the extent that they're attracted to almost all women in general who are at least okay looking and not fat. I don't consider a guy truly or meaningfully "attracted" to me unless he is pining for me, or "likes" me. So even if I acknowledge that some of my guy friends are attracted to me, it's not a very important thing (to me, nor to them). Attraction itself isn't as meaningful (or uncommon) as people make it out to be. Attraction happens all the time. We as people tend to only put the word "attraction" on it when one party or the other gives a signal that allows the two people (or even just one person) to act on it (if they want to); hence, we say "I'm not attracted to people easily" (because attraction very often goes completely un-signaled by both parties, and hence, we don't 'feel' it so much). In truth, just basic attraction happens all the time and shouldn't be a reason why people aren't friends. Edited April 2, 2012 by Jane2011
Jane2011 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Also, another thing is that sometimes circumstances prevent deep attraction between a male friend and female friend. I know a couple of my good male friends think I'm physically attractive and wouldn't kick me out of bed. But 1) I'm not really their physical ideal, either, and 2) it's almost like...they know me too well. They've seen me be so raw and real and maybe unattractive in some ways in that rawness and realness. They might think I'm attractive, but I also don't think I have any mysterious romantic allure to them at all. They're after women who aren't me. Edited April 2, 2012 by Jane2011
Author Ross MwcFan Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Relatives are different. Friendship amongst relatives is different than friendship amongst non-relatives. And I love how you pointed out you know "long-married" male friends with "female friends". How do you know these female friends aren't mistresses to these married men? Ross and I are part of the majority of men: we do not care for female friends if it doesn't involve sex. I actually do care for female friends, in fact I have a few of them online.
Author Ross MwcFan Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 To explain what I mean more, it's not that I just don't click with 99% of women on a friendship level, it's that I don't click with them on any level at all for some reason.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I'm not sure I totally agree with this. I am certainly capable of "clicking" with women on a non-sexual level (as in, being able to have an interesting interaction without any sexual tension). The problem is that women usually want to be friends with men for very specific and selfish reasons. A woman's idea of "friendship" with men involves accumulating a male "fan club" comprised of beta males who are attracted to her and supply the much needed attention and validation. A secondary objective is getting these guys to do favors for her. Personally, I don't believe in being friends with a woman I'm attracted to. I also don't believe in doing favors for women. If you do a favor for a guy, it is understood that he now owes you a favor back. Women, on the other hand, don't believe in returning favors. They seem to think that being in possession of the magic vagina automatically grants them social privileges (and I can't totally blame them either, as there's no shortage of beta supplicators who think they can get into a woman's pants by being her errand boy). I actually find your last comment quite offensive. One of my closest friends is male and he guys me lunch and I buy him lunch. He certainly isn't my errand boy.
brokenTom Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I almost never "click" with guys, but often do with women. Yes, on a friendship level. Only works when neither of us are overly sexually attracted to each other, but even we are slightly it's not impossible to overcome and have a healthy meaningful relationship.
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