mustangsb27 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Sorry if this sounds confusing, but here goes. I've been on NC for the last 2 months from a woman I've been going out with for about 2 yrs. 11 months straight (there was a 5 month break in there). The reason for the latest break was that she still hadn't healed completely from her divorce that was finalized 2 years ago (married 21 yrs). Another bone of contention was that she had been maintaining contact with a dude from out of town who used to come in from time to time and have sex with her. I've always known about him and it has been THE issue with us. Other than that, we never fought or argued about anything. However, my thinking is that this was entirely inappropriate. Not only was she still in contact with him (btw, he cheated on his wife with her. They are now divorced) the last time we saw each other she said he was coming into town and they were going to have 'dinner'. What ever that means. Nothing to it. Just friends. She says that all this is in the past. Excuse me, but I'm an educated person and having contact with someone who actively wants to f**k and having dinner with said individual is not 'in the past'. That would be called 'in the present'. Anyway, I found out from a mutual friend that he came into town and they went to dinner, drinks, went to a party and by all accounts most likely slept with him. Now she's relly pissed that I talked to her friend that blew the whistle on her (umm.. something to hide?). I guess this is all neither here nor there since we're essentially broken up i.e. I defriended her, she blocked me yada yada. The question is this: Am I right to be upset about her keeping in contact with a guy that still wants to get into her jeans or am I a controlling, obsessive bastard that she contends I am? Know matter how I turn it, I can't help but think that she is way out of line. Even if it turns out that she didn't f**k the guy (she would never admit it anyway), it is still pretty sketchy behavior in my opinion. Thoughts? BTW, if you want any backstory on all this, feel free to read my previous threads from the last year and a half. There all about her. I haven't figured out how to link another thread on here, so just search my user name. Thanks so much! 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Sorry if this sounds confusing, but here goes. I've been on NC for the last 2 months from a woman I've been going out with for about 2 yrs. 11 months straight (there was a 5 month break in there). The reason for the latest break was that she still hadn't healed completely from her divorce that was finalized 2 years ago (married 21 yrs). Another bone of contention was that she had been maintaining contact with a dude from out of town who used to come in from time to time and have sex with her. I've always known about him and it has been THE issue with us. Other than that, we never fought or argued about anything. However, my thinking is that this was entirely inappropriate. Not only was she still in contact with him (btw, he cheated on his wife with her. They are now divorced) the last time we saw each other she said he was coming into town and they were going to have 'dinner'. What ever that means. Nothing to it. Just friends. She says that all this is in the past. Excuse me, but I'm an educated person and having contact with someone who actively wants to f**k and having dinner with said individual is not 'in the past'. That would be called 'in the present'. Anyway, I found out from a mutual friend that he came into town and they went to dinner, drinks, went to a party and by all accounts most likely slept with him. Now she's relly pissed that I talked to her friend that blew the whistle on her (umm.. something to hide?). I guess this is all neither here nor there since we're essentially broken up i.e. I defriended her, she blocked me yada yada. The question is this: Am I right to be upset about her keeping in contact with a guy that still wants to get into her jeans or am I a controlling, obsessive bastard that she contends I am? Know matter how I turn it, I can't help but think that she is way out of line. Even if it turns out that she didn't f**k the guy (she would never admit it anyway), it is still pretty sketchy behavior in my opinion. Thoughts? BTW, if you want any backstory on all this, feel free to read my previous threads from the last year and a half. There all about her. I haven't figured out how to link another thread on here, so just search my user name. Thanks so much! I am seething for you; she has no biz talking with this person if she is with you. Let her and that guy have their 'dinner for 2 with a terrible view'. Also, It IS shady behavior. I wish people would clean their yard before getting involved with someone. If you are divorced/broken up, get the ex out of your system before dragging someone new into the lair. I feel for you. 1
Author mustangsb27 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 Oh by the way, after 11 months and after I had met both sets of her parents and family and she meeting mine, plus going on trips (my tab) and dates and dates and more dates and intimacy etc., she declares in the 11th month that we weren't "dating". We were just hanging out this whole time. Is that a way for her to do anything she wants and feel ggod about herself? I mean, who does that!? 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Oh by the way, after 11 months and after I had met both sets of her parents and family and she meeting mine, plus going on trips (my tab) and dates and dates and more dates and intimacy etc., she declares in the 11th month that we weren't "dating". We were just hanging out this whole time. Is that a way for her to do anything she wants and feel ggod about herself? I mean, who does that!? See how she devalued your relationship? She wants cake and eat it too; and that guy will drop her. It's just a matter of time; this kind of thing doesn't last.
bikinibeach Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 no need for backstory. she is sleazy with little morals or boundaries. you are too if you continue to associate with her. stay nc... for life!! 1
marqueemoon4 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 no need for backstory. she is sleazy with little morals or boundaries. you are too if you continue to associate with her. stay nc... for life!! Hi bb.... you're back!
skywriter Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Yes that is definitly shady behavior. Sounds likes she wants to have her cake and eat it too. If that's the case, then let maybe you should see other women that you've been involved with in the past. Only an idiot would be ok with this, they had an affair together and now they are just having a "friendly dinner"! Ontop of that, her friend told you info that should have been revealed by her. Oh yea, shady to say the least. I'm sorry, but, she ain't doing you right. 1
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 without trust, there is no relationship, and i don't feel she respects your feelings. if you meant anything to her, she would understand why this made you uncomfortable. it is obvious by what you posted here that there isn't open disclosure between you, which means who knows what she is doing with who. I would walk away, you don't need the drama in your life. *hugs* 2
Author mustangsb27 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Hey thanks for confirming probably what I already knew. Just tough to get past after putting so much time and energy into it. We both went to her therapist because we almost split up over (you're not going to believe this) this guy coming into town and staying at her house for 4 DAYS! It was right before her birthday (July 7) and things were going good and we were drinking a margarita at a local bar. I ask her (rhetorically) if she was going to let me take her out for her birthday, to which she replied that her girlfriends were going to take her out to dinner on the actual day. I said jokingly that she wasn't going to let me take her out at all? She paused an told me this dude was coming into town for the weekend so that she could break things off once and for all. Huh!? I almost fell off my barstool. I had already told her that if I got wind of this dude sniffing around then we would be done. Well, as far as I was concerned, she was history if she continued with this plan. As is turned out she said she couldn't bear never speaking to me again so she cancelled everything. We ended up going to her therapist and getting past it, but it did put a ding in my trust level. Since then her therapist became my therapist as well (i'd never had one before) and had a couple of one on ones in which I poured out everything I knew about my situation. This didn't sit too well with my ex-girlfriend and accused she and my thrapist of ganging up on her. Help me here, but don't the guilty act like this? The ones who have something to hide? She also was angry for talking to her friend about stuff. Why would she be mad? She would be free to talk to any or all of my friends if she wanted. Obviously there was something she didn't want me to know about. I know. Trust. Respect. Nobody, I mean NOBODY has a 4 day dear john session and have the guy stay at her house. What in the world did she think I think would go on for 4 days. Sitting around playing backgammon? I know. Idiot, idiot, idiot.
blindesided Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 It sounds like she really wasnt all that invested in a relationship. I will tell you when I first got divorced - I just wanted to date - I felt if I settled down with one guy - I would never know what else was out there (I had been married 17yrs) The one poor guy I was seeing - hated that I dated other people - even though I was upfront & told him I in no way was his girlfriend. Eventually he ended it because he couldnt handle me dating more than just him - which was fine by me - because I was getting more feelings for my current ex. Now I can tell you when I started seeng my current ex - there would be no way & I would still see other people if we had a conversation about it. 11mos into it seems like a long time before making sure you two were exclusive. I know I have gotten burned in the past by thinking a guy & I were exclusive because it had been a while - but I learned unless you have a specific conversation - there is always room for one person to mis-interpret the status of the realtionship - or in her case - have her cake & eat it too. - Forget about her & try to move on - she sounds shady - really shady
Author mustangsb27 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 And (yes, there's more!) to add insult to injury, I found out that she is screwing around with a neighbor of hers, quite possibly while we were still together. That would explain a lot. He's been posting a lot of pics of them on facebook (before I defriended her) and he seems to be real proud of himself. I'm not sure he knows what he's in for, but a part of me thinks it may be fun to watch. I'll bet he doesn't know about the dude slipping into town to sleep with her. I know the neighbor. If I ever see him out somewhere, I'll ask him that. Unless I punch him first. Anyway, I guess the 'I just don't want to see anyone because I'm still healing from my divorce' thing didn't very long. Sheesh.
Recommended Posts