personontheinternet Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I'm a 21 year-old female, and I just joined OKCupid on Friday evening. Over the past day and a half I've received messages from 12 different men, but I find all of them either unattractive or our beliefs aren't compatible on things I wouldn't compromise on. I was looking around today and I found one guy who seems pretty attractive, who has a high match rating, and who has interests similar to mine. Since all of the guys who have been messaging me so far aren't my type, I'm starting to consider just going out of my way to message him. The thing is, I'm really shy and nervous about that stuff. I've actually never been in a relationship before, so this dating game is all new to me. I'm afraid of rejection, and I know that if he ends up not responding, I'm going to take it personally and it's going to bother me for who knows how long. Do you all have any advice for me? Also, another thing is this: I'm interested in eventually finding someone for a long-term relationship, but on this guy's profile says he's interested in "making new friends and short-term dating." Is it even worth messaging him if we don't want the same thing? Because even if we hit it off, what if he only wants it to last a little while?
turt Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 If he is interested in you, he'll respond. Just make sure you write something other than "Hi" You're cute" etc. Did you read his match questions regarding dating. Maybe that will give you more insight.
Kuen Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Why not give a try and write him, since you both most likely have same interest. All you have to do is write, you never know once he know you well you both can have a good match and might in end a long term relation.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Most men that are going to message you likely aren't going to be interested in, so you definitely want to either look at their profiles, or send them a short message but not something too direct and engaging, let a man be a man and pursue you, just crack open the door so to speak for men, you never want to let them know that you're all into them just like that. Anyway, so just drop him a short line...just relate to something that he has or said in his profile and then ask him about it, make it indirect. If he likes you he'll respond, If not then don't take it personal you need a backbone for internet dating because it can be a very rough way to meet people. You will have to get out of your comfort zone but just keep in mind that this will help you grow up a little more and build up some more courage, don't be afraid...the boogey man isn't going to come out of the closet, no one is going to laugh at you or make you feel silly, every body on the internet is always nervous about messaging people...with the exception of those guys that just send out mass emails to women on there to see who will respond. If you're not confident, pretend to be.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I say message him. However, I am glad you are very aware of what he says he is looking for. Because he only seems to be interested in "friends" or short-term dating partners, I would proceed with caution. Which means taking it slow, paying attention to if his words match his actions AND not sleeping with him UNTIL you know he is on the same page as you. Which might take awhile. In general, if a guy says that's all he is looking for, I would listen to that. However, that doesn't mean he won't change his mind IF you too really connects. It just means that YOU need to be pretty strong in not getting carried away with him and giving him the short term dating he is looking for. I hope that makes sense. DON'T sleep with him too soon. UNTIL you know HE wants more. And make sure his actions back up his claims. 1
paloma22 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) I'm a 21 year-old female, and I just joined OKCupid on Friday evening. Over the past day and a half I've received messages from 12 different men, but I find all of them either unattractive or our beliefs aren't compatible on things I wouldn't compromise on. I was looking around today and I found one guy who seems pretty attractive, who has a high match rating, and who has interests similar to mine. Since all of the guys who have been messaging me so far aren't my type, I'm starting to consider just going out of my way to message him. The thing is, I'm really shy and nervous about that stuff. I've actually never been in a relationship before, so this dating game is all new to me. I'm afraid of rejection, and I know that if he ends up not responding, I'm going to take it personally and it's going to bother me for who knows how long. Do you all have any advice for me? Also, another thing is this: I'm interested in eventually finding someone for a long-term relationship, but on this guy's profile says he's interested in "making new friends and short-term dating." Is it even worth messaging him if we don't want the same thing? Because even if we hit it off, what if he only wants it to last a little while? My advice: suck it up. Go for what you want. Rejection sucks and I recently got rejected (also have been in the past), but its part of life, and dating. Not everyone clicks, or has chemistry, but you have to take risks in life right? Further, I have OKC and don't have a pic, so i message guys I'm interested in only and offer a pic to be fair. They usually always reciprocate after. It IS a dating site after all. If they don't, they are you know whats. Stick your neck out! Get out there and take a risk. 21 is your prime, don't waste it **edit: ANY guy is going to put 'interested in sex and short term dating' so they don't look like chumps. Most guys will start exclusively dating for the right girl, but on a dating site, its safe to say this (short term dating, interest in sex) is the fairest starting assumption. Edited April 2, 2012 by paloma22
musemaj11 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 If you want someone you want, its harder to get it if you only wait. I wish I could get a hot girl ask me out out of nowhere. But I know that has very slim chance to ever happen so I have always had to go after the type of girl I wanted.
Shaun-Dro Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I'm a 21 year-old female, and I just joined OKCupid on Friday evening. Over the past day and a half I've received messages from 12 different men, but I find all of them either unattractive or our beliefs aren't compatible on things I wouldn't compromise on. I was looking around today and I found one guy who seems pretty attractive, who has a high match rating, and who has interests similar to mine. Since all of the guys who have been messaging me so far aren't my type, I'm starting to consider just going out of my way to message him. The thing is, I'm really shy and nervous about that stuff. I've actually never been in a relationship before, so this dating game is all new to me. I'm afraid of rejection, and I know that if he ends up not responding, I'm going to take it personally and it's going to bother me for who knows how long. Do you all have any advice for me? Also, another thing is this: I'm interested in eventually finding someone for a long-term relationship, but on this guy's profile says he's interested in "making new friends and short-term dating." Is it even worth messaging him if we don't want the same thing? Because even if we hit it off, what if he only wants it to last a little while? It never ceases to amaze me that most women, such as yourself, can go at men on everything else and want equality in every aspect of their lives at the exception of the dating game. You ladies refuse to evolve into the equal roles of asking men out or at least approaching them half the time. Listen, if you're interested in this guy, message him. A simple hello and a small reference to his profile is suffice enough to get things going. If you don't get a response, leave it alone. What's the point in taking his lack of interest personally? Aren't men supposed to never take a rejection on the personal level? This applies to you women as well. Now stop being chicken **** and send that message. Wow, women afraid to send messages over the internet when you're not even face-to-face with the guy. Such cowardice. Men have to risk taking rejection in person and online. What do we do? Keep trucking. Women, on the other hand, can never do what we do, and yet still scared ****less in saying hi to a guy over the internet? There's no hope!
Author personontheinternet Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 It never ceases to amaze me that most women, such as yourself, can go at men on everything else and want equality in every aspect of their lives at the exception of the dating game. You ladies refuse to evolve into the equal roles of asking men out or at least approaching them half the time. Listen, if you're interested in this guy, message him. A simple hello and a small reference to his profile is suffice enough to get things going. If you don't get a response, leave it alone. What's the point in taking his lack of interest personally? Aren't men supposed to never take a rejection on the personal level? This applies to you women as well. Now stop being chicken **** and send that message. Wow, women afraid to send messages over the internet when you're not even face-to-face with the guy. Such cowardice. Men have to risk taking rejection in person and online. What do we do? Keep trucking. Women, on the other hand, can never do what we do, and yet still scared ****less in saying hi to a guy over the internet? There's no hope! I usually ignore people who seem to be dumber than mentally challenged pigeons, such as yourself, but just to make it clear, I have no problem with women approaching men first in relationships. My issues come from self-confidence, not anything to do with gender roles. So I don't get where your "equality" issues are coming from. But from your post in the "why men chase younger women" topic yesterday, you're clearly a woman-hating sexist. You're obviously an extremely frustrated, angry, and miserable person, so I suggest you don't even bother to reply to me because I'll ignore you, like you should be by pretty much everyone on the planet.
Anela Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Wow, women afraid to send messages over the internet when you're not even face-to-face with the guy. Such cowardice. Men have to risk taking rejection in person and online. What do we do? Keep trucking. Women, on the other hand, can never do what we do, and yet still scared ****less in saying hi to a guy over the internet? There's no hope! Oh, hush. I've done it more than once. Some responded, some didn't.
dasein Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Sure, send a message. Read a study somewhere that OLD relationships initiated by the woman last longer. No idea how valid that is. As far as being embarrassed, them's the breaks, we have all been there. Every time you stick yourself out there though, the next time just gets easier and easier.
zengirl Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Most of the men I went out with from OLD were men I messaged. Men I liked rarely messaged me first (I did do that rate-y matchy thing where if you both rated each other it sent an auto-message, and that led to a couple of dates). I messaged my hubby on OKC, so that went well. As to the "looking for" -- that's a bigger issue. I would definitely watch carefully for signs that he's LTR adverse but he may not be, he may just be naturally cautious and slow. If it also says "friends" and doesn't say "casual sex," it's not exactly damning to me that it doesn't say LTR. FWIW, hubby's profile only listed "friends" as the checked-box option. 1
yessy21 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I was on ok cupid before i met my bf. i liked ok cupid ... but i noticed a lot of the guys on there werent very serious or werent very honest. my friend also was on it and he deleted it also. i went on plenty of fish. after a while i met the guy who changed my life for the better. we have been together for a year. 1
RiverRunning Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I met one guy from OKC years ago. I can say with confidence that he was DEFINITELY shopping up. Dumb as bricks, personality like mud...and you have a house (he wasn't good-looking, either, so he had NOTHING going for him)! Oh, inappropriately touchy-feely after only meeting the second time. Needless to say, we didn't meet a third time. I have mixed feelings on approaching men first. I approached both of my exes first. I do think that men have the tendency to go with what's offered, especially if they have no other prospects. Women can do the same sometimes, but it does seem women tend to be much more selective about their mates. I do feel both of my exes settled for me: the first especially made that readily apparent. About half the times I messaged guys on OKcupid, and every time I "favorited" them, I would get messages like: "You're too fat for me and I'm not interested, I only like skinny girls" (at least a few of these came from guys who were at least 100+ overweight, far more overweight than I am) in return. I do realize I'm biased and I'm sure men get as much garbage as women from these sites. But it has made dating a lot less complicated for me on a selfish level. I know who is interested in ME without doing the legwork. Because they're being the "selectors," I don't feel I have to worry as much that they're just settling for me. At the same time, maybe this guy would notice if you just messaged him. Maybe he just hasn't found your profile yet. I would "Favorite" him and maybe send a VERY brief message. Then, drop it like it's hot and move on with your life. But if it were me, I'd have to be quite certain I was -really- into him to bother with messaging him and making the first move. I learned my lesson the first time around. Granted, it's possible that my experiences have just been overwhelmingly negative compared to the general population.
veggirl Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 If his profile says he is looking for friends and short term relationships, I would not even bother if I was you. You aren't looking for that. If you click with him and start liking him, well he is STILL only looking for friends and short relationships. You can't go into something hoping he will come around or change his mind for you. I'd go for someone else..
Author personontheinternet Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Well, I messaged him. I messaged two guys actually. One of their profiles said they answered "very selectively" and the other one (the one I was talking about in my original post) said he answered "often." Both of them signed on after I sent the messages but neither replied. =/ This was a few hours ago. I think if they planned on replying they would have already done so, so I doubt they'll be replying to me later. I'm not heartbroken but I feel weird. I really thought I had a chance, and I don't feel like I'm out of their leagues looks-wise, so I'm bummed out. Actually, the one who replies "very selectively" is a little more attractive than I am, but not by that much. I'm starting to think this OKCupid thing won't work. None of the guys messaging me are good choices.
oaks Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Both of them signed on after I sent the messages but neither replied. =/ This was a few hours ago. I think if they planned on replying they would have already done so, so I doubt they'll be replying to me later. Don't hold your breath, but I've found that some people will log in (and presumably read the message and look at my profile) very soon after sending them something but then take days to reply!
musemaj11 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'm not heartbroken but I feel weird. I really thought I had a chance, and I don't feel like I'm out of their leagues looks-wise, so I'm bummed out. Actually, the one who replies "very selectively" is a little more attractive than I am, but not by that much. Lol, welcome to the club.
missyme04 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 At his profile, he says that he only wants a Short-term dating/relationship. Hmmmm. It's fine to send him a message but dont give too much attention on him especially your looking for long-term relationship "like me" hehehe. I've been through OL dating and I found a loooooooot if men only looking for SEX. be careful!
sid3 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I bet they both reply within the next twenty four hours.
Author personontheinternet Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 I bet they both reply within the next twenty four hours. You were wrong, sadly. Neither replied. =/
Recommended Posts