zink6 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 exgf and I were together for about 9 months. We got together very quickly after she ended an engagement that she was unhappy in for some time. She came on to me very hard, saying that she knew that I was who she wanted for a very long time. I was hesitant because she had just gotten out of an engagement and suggested she try being single first, but she assured me that she was over that relationship months before she actually ended it. A couple of weeks ago she started to back off. Long story short, she felt that she was losing her identity. She wanted to ease off a bit because she was afraid that she would end up down the same road as before, in something very serious and then failing, as she does have an extreme fear of failure. So, we split up, but two days later she texted me saying that she would do anything to get me back and was willing to do the hard emotional work to make it happen. Fast forward another 10 days, and we talked and decided that she needed more time to be single. She says that she is in love with me, and that the relationship she always talked about having with me is the relationship she wants, and that she wants it with me, but she has things to work out internally to be the person she has to be for that to happen. She still wants to see me and date me, just not every day, and that if I no longer want to be with her when she's ready, that is a risk she has no choice but to take. As it turns out, she has some unresolved issues with a rape that occurred about 6 years ago, and she needs to be in a good place with it. She said we probably shouldn't have sex for a while (she said "I don't know if that's two weeks or two months") because she needs to feel that she can love herself and be loved without it. On top of this, she is slammed with PhD school work, a job, and a dog, and somewhere in there, she needs to feel that she is a complete person with her own identity who is choosing to be with me, not just being with me because she is in love and drawn to me, if that makes sense. I know a common response to this is "She has someone else.", but she doesn't. I believe her when she says she doesn't want to be romantically involved, and if she goes on a date, she wants it to be with me. She called me the other day to tell me she was thinking of me, and she wanted to come see me, but settled for just hearing my voice. I ended the call in a few minutes and 30 minutes later she texted to tell me she loves me. Yesterday she asked me to meet her for dinner, which I did. She grabbed me and kissed me as I was leaving, and later on texted to tell me that she loves me. My question is has anyone else been here and know what she's going through and how much space and time do I give her? She obviously loves me and wants to see me, but I don't want to be detrimental to whatever healing and growing she feels that she needs. At the same time, I don't want to cut her off and leave her feeling abandoned. I will definitely go about my life as best suits me and not "us".
ReneeMalcolm Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Hi there, If the lady in question has actually been raped, it is indeed a very serious matter. Can you not verify this somehow? I mean are you friends with any other family member of hers? In any case - let's assume it is true and so you should definitely give her space. As a woman I can tell you that love and sex even though intertwined are two separate things. She probably does love you but it's due to the emotional, psychological and physical trauma that she's been through that she probably does not wish to get hurt again. She needs to take her time to get to trust you completely, only then will she give in to you. On the contrary, if she has not been raped, then she clearly has psychological issues. But even so, you should just give her some time and see what happens. Don't become possessive and don't push her. If you truly love her which I'm assuming you do otherwise you wouldn't go through the trouble of creating an account on this site and posting your story, then clearly you will wait for her.
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 But, you got to ask yourself, is she being fair to you. I mean, it sounds like she's stringing you along.
Author zink6 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Hi there, If the lady in question has actually been raped, it is indeed a very serious matter. Can you not verify this somehow? I mean are you friends with any other family member of hers? In any case - let's assume it is true and so you should definitely give her space. As a woman I can tell you that love and sex even though intertwined are two separate things. She probably does love you but it's due to the emotional, psychological and physical trauma that she's been through that she probably does not wish to get hurt again. She needs to take her time to get to trust you completely, only then will she give in to you. On the contrary, if she has not been raped, then she clearly has psychological issues. But even so, you should just give her some time and see what happens. Don't become possessive and don't push her. If you truly love her which I'm assuming you do otherwise you wouldn't go through the trouble of creating an account on this site and posting your story, then clearly you will wait for her. It's definitely true. She's told me about it before. We've had sex plenty in the past. It seems that the rape left her with self-worth issues that she hadn't identified until being with me. She says she has fallen in love with me in a way she never did before, wants to marry me, etc. Apparently, that has caused some of the self-worth issues to come to the surface because she has been feeling that I'll figure out I'm too good for her and not want her anymore. She still texts or calls me to tell me she loves or is thinking about me, has asked me to meet her for dinner or to come over to her place a few times. It just leaves me curious as to what exactly I'm supposed to do. I can't figure out if I should initiate contact with her, leave her alone until she contacts me or what. I don't want her to feel like I don't care about her, but I also don't want to encroach on whatever space she needs. I suppose I'll just follow her lead and match her. If she begins contacting me less, it'll tell me that I'm contacting her too much I guess. If she contacts me more, I can match that, too.
sweetheart5381 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 It's definitely true. She's told me about it before. We've had sex plenty in the past. It seems that the rape left her with self-worth issues that she hadn't identified until being with me. She says she has fallen in love with me in a way she never did before, wants to marry me, etc. Apparently, that has caused some of the self-worth issues to come to the surface because she has been feeling that I'll figure out I'm too good for her and not want her anymore. She still texts or calls me to tell me she loves or is thinking about me, has asked me to meet her for dinner or to come over to her place a few times. It just leaves me curious as to what exactly I'm supposed to do. I can't figure out if I should initiate contact with her, leave her alone until she contacts me or what. I don't want her to feel like I don't care about her, but I also don't want to encroach on whatever space she needs. I suppose I'll just follow her lead and match her. If she begins contacting me less, it'll tell me that I'm contacting her too much I guess. If she contacts me more, I can match that, too. I can tell you from experience, she needs space and your comfort too. She likely shows a very loving side and then a very distant side, almost like 2 different people at times. Love/hate in a way. I know from experience as a female victim of rape and spousal abuse that the first little while in a loving relationship feels great, no apparent problems everything is just grand even yrs after the event(s). You think you are fine....til you come to realize that you love the other person. When your self-worth is in question (and clearly it is after rape, abuse etc, it is literally stolen from you) then you being to feel that you do not deserve to be loved in return. Then, all hell breaks loose as your heart and mind fight over what is best for you and your loved one. She fears that she will lose her identity because it has in fact already been stolen. The rational mind of a good-hearted person with values cannot fathom anyone stealing sex/love/power from another so it seeks to find solace in guilt. The subconsious thought that "it must be my fault, because no one would ever do this without a reason" seeps in slowly. While your logic knows that what this person did to you is wrong, your values say that it can't be wrong because people just don't do that. Bottom line, You lose your identity because you lose faith in your own reasoning. My advice is to be there for her, but not clingy. Give her the independence to work through these issues. Let her communicate with you. Give her a shoulder and show her love, patience and understanding.
Author zink6 Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 We went on a date tonight, and had a great time. She kissed me at the door and sent me on my way. I got home and was stewing and stewing. I IMed her to tell her I wasn't sure if I should tell her, but I was madly in love with her. She asked if I needed to talk and told me to call. I knew I shouldn't, but I told her I was having a hard time with things, and I felt her pulling away from me more and more. Certainly I knew that was kind of the plan, but it was hard and it hurt. I told her that I was afraid that she was going to fall out of love with me. She said that she was in love with me, but wished that she weren't She said that she felt being in love with me was detrimental to her healing. She also told me that if someone else asked her out, she might say yes. It doesn't make much sense to me that she'd start something new with someone else if being in a relationship was stopping her from healing. I suggested maybe it was just that she did't want the weight of someone loving her and being in love. That would be easier. She insisted that wasn't the case, but I'm not sure I'm buying it. Anyway, she still wants to see me sometimes and go on dates, but she's pulling away pretty hard, and I wonder if I can subject myself to it anymore. I am so afraid of her falling out of love with me, but I guess I need to just step far, far back and let it happen since it seems like it will anyway.
rAFC Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 This is a messy situation as she has serious psychological issues to address. My honest advice is to get out while the getting is good. She won't have sex with you or be in a relationship with you but she'd consider dating someone else if they asked her?!? There really is no way that this could have a happy ending for you and the longer you stay, the harder it will be to let go.
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