jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 My wife and I have been married only 6 months (we've lived together for over a year and dated for 3). No kids, first marriage for both of us, I'm 34 and she is 27. A week ago I walked in on her reading her email and she immediately closed the computer. I asked her over and over to show me and she wouldn't. I finally had to take the laptop from her and go back to it through her history. I found emails from other men dating back to a year ago when we were engaged. Also newer emails from men that had contacted her through a dating site. She came clean (I think) and told me that she had been having sex with two other guys while we were engaged but had not since we got married. I was really angry but kept my cool. Then a few days ago, we were drinking at home and I asked her about it all again. I knew of a guy friend that she had a year ago and asked about him. She said "oh yeah, I forgot about him" and laughed. I became so enraged, next thing I knew I had my hands around her throat choking her. I realized what I was doing and stopped and apologized. I know it was so wrong. I become so angry when I think about it. I have kept my cool about it except that one time. I just keep thinking about it and have been trying so hard to keep things normal. I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her. I don't even want to imagine it without her. To give her some credit, she is a very beautiful girl and attractive and she told me after all this that she felt like I had been neglecting her, which is somewhat true. We had gotten to making love only once a month or less. But now I have been doing better and it is almost everyday. It is still difficult for me to keep my anger under wraps. Now I don't know if I can trust her and also I am disgusting to think of her with other guys. Am I stupid for staying with her? I can't imagine ever leaving her.
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 And does anyone have any advice for how I should handle this going forward? A big part of me wants to take her phone and laptop away, even her car keys! I know that's not reasonable, but I'm not sure what to do. Thanks.
findingnemo Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 First off, you need IC for your anger. There is absolutely no justification (none!) for attempted murder...which is what the police would have called it had she reported you. The "credit" you give her for being beautiful and attractive is nonsense. Do you think that because of her looks she is more likely to cheat? If so, then get a D. How will taking away her phone, laptop and car keys help? You want to confine her just to keep her? That's not love. If this story is true, then both of you have no business being M. She is a cheater and you think you own her. Bad recipe all round.
Kidd Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 My wife and I have been married only 6 months (we've lived together for over a year and dated for 3). No kids, first marriage for both of us, I'm 34 and she is 27. A week ago I walked in on her reading her email and she immediately closed the computer. I asked her over and over to show me and she wouldn't. I finally had to take the laptop from her and go back to it through her history. I found emails from other men dating back to a year ago when we were engaged. Also newer emails from men that had contacted her through a dating site. She came clean (I think) and told me that she had been having sex with two other guys while we were engaged but had not since we got married. I was really angry but kept my cool. Then a few days ago, we were drinking at home and I asked her about it all again. I knew of a guy friend that she had a year ago and asked about him. She said "oh yeah, I forgot about him" and laughed. I became so enraged, next thing I knew I had my hands around her throat choking her. I realized what I was doing and stopped and apologized. I know it was so wrong. I become so angry when I think about it. I have kept my cool about it except that one time. I just keep thinking about it and have been trying so hard to keep things normal. I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her. I don't even want to imagine it without her. To give her some credit, she is a very beautiful girl and attractive and she told me after all this that she felt like I had been neglecting her, which is somewhat true. We had gotten to making love only once a month or less. But now I have been doing better and it is almost everyday. It is still difficult for me to keep my anger under wraps. Now I don't know if I can trust her and also I am disgusting to think of her with other guys. Am I stupid for staying with her? I can't imagine ever leaving her. I always find it honorable to attempt to reconcile. That said it takes years of remorse and hard work on the part of the wayward spouse in order for your marriage to recover. Right now she is still lying and laughing at you. With no kids in the picture and a short marriage, you might want to get out now while it is relatively easy to do so. Find a woman that deserves you and quit investing in this one. Oh, and you better get your anger in check or you'll find yourself in an orange jumpsuit and find everyone referring to your lovely wife as the "victim." Been there, done that. It's a nice turn of events for the wayward and it really sucks for you. She may forgive you once; do it again and she won't hesitate and you'll find your pending domestic violence case listed as associated with the divorce papers she files.
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 I do want this to work and she does feel very bad about it all. I think she only laughed because she had been drinking. And I don't mean to make excuses for myself, but I never would have put a hand on her had I not been drunk too. I know it is beyond wrong and dangerous, and I swore to her and myself I would never do a thing like that ever again. And she has promised me she will never do that again. She is willing to go to counseling as am I. I know I have issues that need to be worked on too. Thank you both for your advice. I appreciate it.
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 btw, the story is true, unfortunately. I don't mean to sound like I am trying to own her, I just don't know if there are things that are recommended done at a time like this to restore trust.
Kidd Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 And does anyone have any advice for how I should handle this going forward? A big part of me wants to take her phone and laptop away, even her car keys! I know that's not reasonable, but I'm not sure what to do. Thanks. Get the book, How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair, and ask her to read it. Maybe it will clue her in on what kind of damage this does and what approach she needs to take to repair it. If she wants to restore trust, she should want every opportunity to prove herself and that means her life being an open book to you. Her life needs to become completely transparent. She shares all of her passwords, is proactive about trying to prevent things that would trigger you, no late nights "out with the girls," she is clear about her whereabouts, etc.. I asked my wife for permission to investigate anything I wanted, whenever I wanted without any need to divulge what I was doing. She understood that this might involve a GPS on her car, a keylogger on her computer, inspections of her phone and so forth. A remorseful spouse will accept these things and see that they ultimately win when you investigate and find nothing. They embrace the opportunity to prove themselves. Any resistance or defensiveness and you can bet she is still hiding something. Otherwise, keep reading, posting and learning. On your end, you will want honesty and you will have to find a way not to punish her when she gives it. That whole choking thing is going to make her, um, hesitant to share anything with you.
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 First of all, I strongly second the Anger management Individual Counselling. Secondly, i recommend relationships counselling too, but just remember one thing: Counselling . is . not . designed . to . keep . people . together. no, it's not. Counselling provides people with a safe, level and even playing field where each partner can express themselves calmly, openly and safely, and really reveal what is on their mind and discuss things logically with an eventual hope of a healthy compromise. Counsellors are not there to do the work for you. They arbitrate and guide, suggest and open up avenues of further dialogue, but their job is neither to teach nor preach, and they can't fix anything. You have to fix ‘anything’. The problem is - both people have to want it. Because one person, on their own, cannot fix what ails 2 people. a relationship is a partnership, and both people are 100% responsible for their 50% of the partnership. 'Blame' is more proportional, but the responsibility of relationship maintenance goes right down the middle. the marital relationship (in fact, any intimate relationship), is supported by three particular qualities: Communication, Mutual Respect and Trust. Of the three, Trust is the most difficult one to deal with. Trust is precisely like a priceless, beautiful, antique porcelain plate. chip or crack that dish, and no matter how expertly it's repaired - it's still damaged, will never be as good as it once was, and is worth a good deal less than before.... you have to rebuild that, and improve the others....
findingnemo Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 If she cheated on you while engaged and is now acting suspiciously 6 months after M, you need to end this now. Accept that you made a mistake in picking your partner and walk. I believe on reconciling under certain circumstances...when it looks like it was a one-off thing. This doesn't seem like that. Also there's nothing YOU can do to stop her wandering. She has to want to be with you exclusively. Your ideas of taking away her car keys equals taking away her freedom. This can be seen as abuse. You would never be able to justify abuse...ever. So my advice is to separate NOW. 1
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 Thank you Kidd, I just ordered the book on amazon. You mentioned that you asked your wife permission to investigate anything you wanted. Should I ask her, or should I wait for her to offer? I don't want to be controlling, but that is what I feel like I need for now to help me regain some trust. She has already deleted the contacts of those people from her computer and phone, while I was watching. I guess I should ask and see how she reacts? TaraMaiden, thank you. I am currently looking up a therapist for marriage and individual counseling. She has already told me she wants to go. I know I will need individual help with my anger and with forgivness. I just want to let you all know I have never done anything like that before, exploding with anger like that. I hate to think that 30 years from now I will still be thinking about this and that our trust will be forever damaged. It makes me so sad.
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 FindingNemo, if she is truly sorry and wants to change and seek help, do you think there could be hope that she will really change?
findingnemo Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 FindingNemo, if she is truly sorry and wants to change and seek help, do you think there could be hope that she will really change? Usually I'm all for reconciliation. But she was pushing your buttons way before you got M and still continued to do so. I'd love to tell you that I think she can change but she's an adult, there are no serious reasons why she should be looking for other men right now. It's not like the 6 months you've been M are enough for her to give up. Also she won't explain what the problem is or if the problem is you. She just cheats.... If she did say something was wrong and that she felt she needed to seek attention somewhere else, I'd still think she is the problem because she refused to deal with the issues. 6 months of M is too short a time period for someone to cheat due to marital problems. It tells me she doesn't really want to be committed. Yes she can say she is willing to change. But change what? If her cheating is a character flaw then she can't change it. If she cheated even while you were engaged, then it's definitely a character flaw because she could have broken off the engagement rather than cheat. Do you see the problem?
Kidd Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Thank you Kidd, I just ordered the book on amazon. You mentioned that you asked your wife permission to investigate anything you wanted. Should I ask her, or should I wait for her to offer? I don't want to be controlling, but that is what I feel like I need for now to help me regain some trust. She has already deleted the contacts of those people from her computer and phone, while I was watching. I guess I should ask and see how she reacts? TaraMaiden, thank you. I am currently looking up a therapist for marriage and individual counseling. She has already told me she wants to go. I know I will need individual help with my anger and with forgivness. I just want to let you all know I have never done anything like that before, exploding with anger like that. I hate to think that 30 years from now I will still be thinking about this and that our trust will be forever damaged. It makes me so sad. Take your time. This is a marathon. Fast is slow and slow is fast. Don't make rash decisions about reconciling or leaving (although some physical and emotional space between the two of you is probably a really good idea). You're going to go through a roller coaster of emotions from hating her one minute to wanting to have lots of hot sex the next (this is actually common as you try to reclaim your wife - go ahead an enjoy it while it lasts). Of course, some people will advise against sex for a while so you can await those lovely results from the STD tests you should both have. Again, take your time. Read and educate yourself here and elsewhere. Don't rush to sweep this under the rug or get over it (it ain't gonna happen). Don't rush to forgiveness. She simply needs to EARN that first. You job is to determine if this was a dealbreaker for you and what you need from her in order to give her the gift of reconciling. Make yourself a list and ask yourself what you need in order to stay. Set a time to discuss it. Be calm when you do. Try to determine the truth and search yourself for what YOU now deserve. I see nothing wrong with asking her for what you need, set your requirements, decide your boundaries and stick to them. Exact consequences (such as her leaving) if she doesn't comply. Good luck to you. Sorry you find yourself here. Rest assured that you are one o many and it is about something broken in your spouse and not about you. 1
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 I'm not giving her excuses but she had brought the problem of our lack of intimacy up multiple times and I guess I was just taking her for granted.
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 We haven't really talked about this too much. I guess I have avoided it because it makes me angry.
Bryanp Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I will answer your question. Yes you are stupid to stay with her. She has sex with at least 3 different men while engaged to you putting herself and you at risk for STD's. She currently seems to be emailing other men again. You have been married only 6 months. If she cheats on you with 3 different men while she was engaged to you it is amazing that you would believe anything she says now. I would have her and you get tested for STD's. I would have you contact a lawyer and file for annulment. I am sorry but your wife was a serial cheater with you while engaged and continues hiding emails from you where she is probably contacting other men. When women cheat on you they become less and less attractive and beautiful. She seems very immature and has no conception of what it is to be in a relationship. She played you for a total fool while being engaged to you. She is totally toxic to you. See a lawyer. 1
Kidd Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I'm not giving her excuses but she had brought the problem of our lack of intimacy up multiple times and I guess I was just taking her for granted. You can own 50% of the problems in the marriage but she gets to own 100% of the choice to apparently fix it by having an affair. Dude, I'm with FindingNemo for the most part on this one. She was cheating on you while you were dating, engaged, and married. You didn't even have a chance to fix anything. You had every reason to think the relationship was good and healthy considering that you just freakin' got married. The truth is that knowing what I know now, I would leave that chic in a heartbeat. It sucks but you are young, unencumbered by children and can easily have another life after this mess. You'll start healing almost immediately after you get her out of your life. I wouldn't accept one iota of the blame in this situation. She had a million other choices besides having multiple affairs. She chose to betray you in the worst possible way.
Author jarbob Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 I guess you guys will call me stupid, but I would rather deal with the stress of this than let her go.
YellowShark Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I guess you guys will call me stupid, but I would rather deal with the stress of this than let her go. Here are your choices. 1) Stay with her - But since she has been unfaithful 3 times already Jarbob I would say that if you do stay be prepared for more infidelity. You will never be able to trust her 100% anymore, there will always be this lingering suspicion burning a hole in your brain. Once a cheater not always a cheater... Three times a cheater... well sorry dude, ALWAYS a cheater. 2) Walk away - As much as you lothe to leave, perhaps now that she has revealed that she is a serial cheater - (3 affairs, emails, etc) - your life, efforts, and emotions are better spent on someone who will honor and respect you. Ya, it's really tough, not what you want... but do you really want an emotional and financial partner in life that repeatedly cheats and lies to you? Those are your choices. Good luck.
KathyM Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 If you are determined to stay together, then complete transparency is certainly the way to go. Don't confiscate her phone, laptop, or that kind of nonsense. That won't prevent her from doing anything. But I do agree with Kidd that a keylogger might be in order, since this behavior seems to have been an ongoing thing, and she has not been honest with you after your initial discovery until she was drunk one night. I would also recommend marriage counseling. The goal of marriage counseling is to resolve and improve on the issues that caused your relationship to deteriorate, to develop boundaries that will protect your marriage, and to bring back or build on what is positive in your relationship. Marriage counseling can save your marriage if both parties put in the work it takes to improve it. Whether it will save your marriage nobody knows. A lot of damage has been done. It's very hard to get over the feelings of betrayal and the broken trust. But if you are determined to try, marriage counseling and transparency is the way to go.
drifter777 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I'm not giving her excuses but she had brought the problem of our lack of intimacy up multiple times and I guess I was just taking her for granted. Yes, you are defending her disgusting behavior and trying to excuse the whole mess. It's denial on your part, which is the first phase a husband goes through after discovering his wife's cheating. There is a reason for denial that you need to try to understand. That reason is to save yourself from continuing to feel the pain, anger, and shame of her betrayal. Avoiding this terrible hurt is natural and understandable. Your whole world has just been turned upside down and you desperately want to find a fix for it so you can return to "normal". We understand. Trust me, we've seen these posts from many, many husbands immediately after discovering their wife's affair. The way you are reacting is pretty much how everyone reacts. You need someone that can help you work out the strong emotions you are feeling so I urge you to find a counselor and start seeing him/her ASAP. Others have addressed the anger component, and you seem to understand that it is wrong and are remorseful. I would add that if you feel true rage at her for what she has done you should remove yourself, physically, from her and spend some time alone in a hotel or with a friend/family. The time away will do you good anyway and allow you to begin sorting all of this out without being influenced by the feminine guile of your wife. Us men are so weak when it comes to the sexual advances of the person we love, no matter how angry and disgusted we might be. Stick the phrase "hysterical bonding" into a search engine and educate yourself on the subject. Finally, most posters to this point are talking about reconciliation. Let me assure you that while many couples are able to reconcile after the affair, many are not. Either way it is a long, long, painful road that takes a tremendous amount of work. Since you two do not have children and have been together a relatively short time, I think you would be much better off by divorcing her. To be clear, I'm saying that it is simply not worth it to do so much work and endure so much suffering to save a marriage with a serial cheater. The chances that you know everything about her sexual escapades are near zero, and even if she swears she has revealed it all she is lying. Women will never, never be truthful about their sex life and will only tell you what she has to in order to obtain whatever goal she is seeking. All cheaters lie; serial cheaters are experts at lying and do it as easily and calmly as breathing. You are still young enough to recover, emotionally, and learn from this horrible experience. You can start your life over again and enjoy the company of as many gal's as you like - the world is full of them. You may even fall in love again, only this time you will be wiser and improve the odds that you won't hitch your emotional wagon to a cheater.
stillafool Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 To give her some credit, she is a very beautiful girl and attractive and she told me after all this that she felt like I had been neglecting her, which is somewhat true. Well, of course stay married if she is beautiful, afterall that's all that matters, forget about character. Just kidding, I couldn't resist. We had gotten to making love only once a month or less. But now I have been doing better and it is almost everyday. It is still difficult for me to keep my anger under wraps. Now I don't know if I can trust her and also I am disgusting to think of her with other guys. Am I stupid for staying with her? I can't imagine ever leaving her. Why only once a month or less. That doesn't seem to be enough sex for a 27 year old woman nor a 34 year old man. Is there some medical problem? Regardless of the lack of sex it is quite telling that an engaged woman would have sex with 3 guys before the wedding. You were wrong to choke her but I understand your frustration. IDK you'd better keep a close eye on her and if I were you I wouldn't be able to completely trust her again.
StoneCold Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 On one hand she said you were neglecting her...and this is her reason for cheating; this is debateable....but her making a joke of it that one night wasnt cool. However on the other hand... you did throttle her...which is a criminal offense; aggrivated assault for sure...maybe even attempted murder depending on how the crown wants to spin it (unlikely though). If $hit ever hits the fan it will be YOU that gets in deep trouble. Not her... she could have boned half the country and you'd still be neck deep in "it". With that said, I think the best thing for you to do would be to go before you lose your cool and really do something dumb. You can argue all you want about the bad stuff she did but you are responsible for your own a$$....and quite frankly.... its your A$$ on this one
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