silicis n volvo Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 If its ok i'd like to give a little back story leading up to what happened this friday just gone. im 24, I'd been with my girlfriend for close to a year shes 21...easily my longest relationship and first girl ive ever loved. cant get enough of her im more attracted to her now than when we first met. I told her after 5 months that i loved her. she didnt say it back, i asked if she wanted to be with me she said yes. so i was ok with her not saying it back. shes a verry difficult person to deal with...shes very fragile. can lose her temper at the drop of a hat and absolutely cant take criticism. Im scared to tell her when shes done something wrong or pissed me off because she comes back aggressive and says its bull**** or im grumpy. I usually hold it in for a while untill it comes out in a big argument at which point i say it all at once. she can go in very odd moods with me (not woman problems) and she'l just say nothings wrong but be very cold towards me for 2 days. at which point we'l argue about it. this happens quite a lot. Ive always been the more keen one of the 2 of us, doing most of the chasing which has always kind of bugged me. we've been arguing a lot and they are big arguments. I got a bit fed up of the mood swings and the seemingly lack of effort on her part. i got fed up of being too careful around her and not really being myself. worrying that she didnt want to be with me because of how cold she would go sometimes. i have talked to her about this and told her how i feel and she says im being ridiculous. she may be right...but i felt so strongly about it that 3 weeks ago on a friday after a 4 day period of her being off with me i ended things with her. she admitted that she'd been unfair with me that week but all the other times i was wrong about. i told her i felt like ive just been wasting my time with her all this time because i try so hard and seem to get nothing back. She said thats crazy shes had really strong feelings for me and absolutely did want to be with me. It made me second guess what id done and i regretted ending it. So I tried to sort things out. we met a few times throughout the following week and then that next weekend i took a big bunch of flowers into her work place (supermarket) and gave them to her, told her i loved her and I was sorry for the mistakes ive made and can we work things out. I think saying sorry was a mistake because ive just gone back on everything i really feel and effectively told her shes done nothing wrong. the flowers worked great though she called me on her lunch break and met me after work. We spent the entire next week together things were so good it was like nothing ever happened she seemd so happy. Untill this thursday night just gone. She suddenly goes in a bad mood while at my house. she didnt want me to put my arm around her. When she was leaving i asked what was wrong she says "nothing" i say are you sure? she says "yes". i told her it seems like something isnt right with her. So i give her a hug (she didnt hug me back) and said id talk to her tomorrow. so this last friday i ring her before work and shes very evasive. i Rang her after work to say i know something is wrong. at which point we have another big argument (after just 1 good week) and sure enough she was angry at me because of something i said. She thinks the argument is my fault...i certainly think its hers. But she says "maybe we should just not contact each other for a couple of weeks". I said "what? why do that? if you want to be with me lets sort this out now but saying take time appart either means we'l never speak again or we'l just agree in a week or 2 that we're better off appart so whats the point?" she says "its up to you...either spend 2 weeks appart or end it now" ofcourse i dont want it to end so I said fine ill tlk to u in a couple of weeks then..she said bye but i just put the phone down. What does this time appart mean? does it mean its over? do i wait to hear off her or do i contact her in a couple of weeks? or do i just contact her now to end things properly? if its over i need closure to help me start to move onto new things. but this doesnt feel like closure. what do i do?
immitable Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 two weeks is a too short of a period for her to process everything. She is going to break up with you in two weeks. I am sorry. It is a common scenario here on LS. She might be back but after some time passed, from several months to a year or over depending on her personality. best thing if you want to save what there is to save is don't bother her and don't ask for closure, bc you are not going to get it from her now. What she is doing she is asking for space and you should give it to her. It is not your fault only, it is hers as well.
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) just an update... out of the blue..shes text me this afternoon...only to say "hello i probably shouldnt be texting just checking your alright hope you had a good night last night" why is she contacting me? Also...i was thinking...whats best to do...is it best to just give her her space? and hope she misses what we had and comes back? or get a back bone an say "No! i dont do time apart. Either we are together or we are not... there's no middle ground for me anymore and i cnt do this on your terms. I care about our relationship too much to leave it uncertain like this. If you're looking for something or someone else, no problem. Let's just break up for good so we can both do our own thing. If your trying to say the spark has gone and you want to end things just do it now please." Then 1 of 2 things could happen: she could see the authority side of me coming out and find it enticing or she'l end it which will at least give me absolute closure and i can move on.. what to do? Edited April 1, 2012 by silicis n volvo
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Personally, I would look at the two weeks as the end of your relationship. Taking a break= breaking up. Live life as if you're not together anymore. (because you probably aren't) I mean, I'm trying not to be mean here, but you've told her that you love her and she can't return it. That tells me something. You're more invested into this relationship than she is. You sound like you're constantly walking on eggshells around her. Do you really need to live that way? Is that fair to you? Sounds like she has the case of the G.I.G.S. and she's just cooling her heels with you until the next guy comes around. That isn't fair to you either. So, I would just ignore all texts, phonecalls and e-mails from her. DO NOT RESPOND! And definately not during this two week period.
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 so many people give completely opposite but very good advise. you say dont contact her or respond to her its over my friend says get tough with her...tell her your not doing this time appart thing, either your together or your not its black and white dont let her leave you in limbo. another friend says just respond to her text in a friendly manor, no X's at the end and keep it short. "im fine thanks had a great time last night" and then no more contact just wait for her. everything seems like it could work...but i dont know which one to do
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Well, it's totally up to you. This is an advice forum and all we can do is give advice. Nothing in here is law. However, by coming in here you're dealing with people that have been in the same boat as you and probably worse. Okay, if you contact her for the two weeks, how is she going to miss you? How is she going to know what it feels like with you not around? Right now, her contacting you is her pulling on the leash to see if the dog is still there. She made the choice to have you OUT of her life. So, that's exactly what you should give her.
Am313 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 If she wants space, give her the universe. NO BEGGING, NO CHASING, NO CONTACT!! She is the one who asked for space, so give it to her. Let her live with her choice. She wants you to chase her, she wants your attention, but sadly she doesn't want you. You don't give her that attention, she's going to miss you like crazy. Imagine how you would feel if she moved on right now? You'd be insane, and you would miss her more than you ever have before. Well, if you stop talking to her and don't respond to her texts, she'll start to wonder and experience a fear of losing you. If she texts you, either dont respond at all or respond the next day or at night. If she calls, keep it very short. You're busy, you have things to do. She wants space, give it to her. If she does break up with you, suffer in silence. Do not let her know you're hurting. 2
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 yeah chi town and AM313 i think i agree with you. I wasnt thinking of being in friendly contact with her right now...I have very strong principles that stop me from being any kind of a friend to an ex girlfriend. So do you both recommend NOT sending a tougher text back saying no time apart we are either together or broken up for good whats it going to be? just give her what she asked for and ignore her?
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 In my opinion, yeah. Ignore her. That's what she wanted right? To be away from you. For you not to be around. See, what she's doing is a form of cake-eatting. She doesn't want YOU, but she does want you for an ego boost and a pick-me up when she wants it. She wants the "I love you's and I miss you so much." coming from you. And once she gets her ego stroked enough "Aww... that's sweet. Thanks! Now I'm going clubbing with my friends, Later!"
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 "Aww... that's sweet. Thanks! Now I'm going clubbing with my friends, Later!" amazingly that sounds just like her ok i will follow your advice and ignore her. she did ask for it after all. But what about closure? I dont know whether we'l get back together or not or whether she wants to or not etc etc and i cant think about anything else untill i know...I just need to know if its 100% dead then ill treat it like a death in the family (greeve and move on)
sweetheart5381 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 If she wants space, give her the universe. NO BEGGING, NO CHASING, NO CONTACT!! She is the one who asked for space, so give it to her. Let her live with her choice. She wants you to chase her, she wants your attention, but sadly she doesn't want you. You don't give her that attention, she's going to miss you like crazy. Imagine how you would feel if she moved on right now? You'd be insane, and you would miss her more than you ever have before. Well, if you stop talking to her and don't respond to her texts, she'll start to wonder and experience a fear of losing you. If she texts you, either dont respond at all or respond the next day or at night. If she calls, keep it very short. You're busy, you have things to do. She wants space, give it to her. If she does break up with you, suffer in silence. Do not let her know you're hurting. Yes, agreed. Don't give her the time of day. NC is the way to go. My ex wanted "space" didnt know what he wanted, etc. Leave the ball in their court so to speak. I explained my POV to him then went NC. I left a feeder after 3 weeks NC, he responded immediately and since then he has either initiated or responded immediately. Don't pressure them, they may have stuff on their mind that you don't know about. Sometimes the other REALLY doesnt know what they want. After 2 months, I realized that putting the relationship on pause did me a world of good. Now I know what I want NC and "space" won't get them back, but it will allow you both some time to gain perspective and decide if you really want to pursue any sort of relationship with them after the hurting part is done (the b/u).
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) she says "its up to you...either spend 2 weeks appart or end it now" I don't know what will happen in two weeks, but if you're looking for closure, then there it is. If this is a direct quote from her, then this tells me she doesn't put a lot of stock into this relationship. No promises; just ultimatums..... Even if she does come back, I still think it doesn't bode well for this relationship so you might want to start to heal from this and think about moving on. I know it's not what you wanted to hear but like I said in my earlier post taking a break= breaking up other veterians to this site would probably agree with me. Edited April 1, 2012 by Chi townD
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 i spotted a thread here from a guy whos girlfriend also asked for space but still contacts him...and there is a reply from someone else who says this..... "She's messing with you, intentional or not, that is what she is doing. I would speak to her once & once only & then only to clarify from her what 'needing space' means. It looks like to her it means, 'I can contact you, but you cannot do the same.' This is immature & disrespectful. Are those the qualities you look for in a partner? I've never understood this 'needing space' garbage. If something is wrong in a relationship you talk about it & work on it. You do not pull away. If it's a matter of spending too much time together & one person feeling smothered, then that can be worked out too - as a couple. Relinquishing all control regarding contact to one party is not a relationship, heck it's not even dating!" its another theory that makes a lot of sense but goes against what you said AM313 and Chi town. It makes me want to call her and say "im not doing this time apart thing and give her something like an ultimatum" still ignoring her so far tho :/
Chi townD Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I've never understood this 'needing space' garbage. If something is wrong in a relationship you talk about it & work on it. Needing space USUALLY (not always) but usually means one of three things. 1. They're too chicken to pull the trigger and end it for good. 2. They are having the case of the G.I.G.S. and want to be single or pretend to be single for a little while. 3. There someone else they're interested in and they can't make a move while your still in the picture. Sorry, but you'll read thread after thread on something along these three reasons.
leoc1973 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 man this sucks for you I'm sorry but the other posters are right. She is going to break up with you. She has some other guy on the side and wants to see whats going on with him. Read post after post on here. The guys that beg plead cry all end up permanently broken up with. The ones that stand their ground and tell their ex's have a chance. And there are even the women that come on here and say they have made the biggest mistake of their lives because they asked their boyfriends for a break now their boyfriends hate them/won't speak to them. The only shot you have if you still love her and want to be with her is to tell her to go to hell. Give it some time and there is a chance she will be begging for you back. This is why she will keep checking in on you because she needs to know that you are going to be sitting home crying over her. Do yourself a huge favor and read lots of these posts go google "dumped him mistake" you will read over and over the same thing. Girl saying she felt like she needed some space, guy told her to go to hell or even started seeing a new girl, girl wants him back more than anything. Don't act till you think! I screwed up with my ex and 90% of the rest of us on here did too!
Recommended Posts