ujan1 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I am 29 and she is 28 we are both living UK (we are both from different countries in Asia) I have just finished my Phd and had been studying for past 10 years and she just found a job after 6 years of study. We do not live together but I visit her as her when ever she is free ie once a week for two days mostly weekends. We have had our ups and downs and yes we love each other. We had been going out for 2year in which time she suddenly declared to break up 3 times (only last a few hours). This normally happens when she is under alot of stress or finds a new job or is dealing with a transactional stage (ie visa issues, money problems). the break up are and have always been due to the fact i am not a very publicly affectionate person ie I do always i mean always hold her hand even when in a bus i never let go and kiss her on the cheek when i can, that said i am not a huge hugging person. I admit this. I try but something that doesnt come naturally and i freeze up its not that i dont want to i am not sure at time how to do it. our recent problems started on Valentine day it was the day of my hand in for my thesis and i was physically and mentally exhausted. I knew if i dont do anything she would be very very upset. So i cooked a small meal and got her some chocolates. after the meal she seemed upset we spoke and she said she does think i show her love. i explained my end and after 2 hours she understood and started to cry and we patched up things. next day i came home to pack for my short trip to my parents whom i havent seen in 1.5 years. i went back to her place day before the flight and i arranged a little surprise. candles wine stuff toys etc etc. and she started to cry again saying she is bad to me and pressure me all the time, next day she was at work and i was leaving so i cleaned her place left her a card and went to the airport and was waiting she called and said so sweet what you did and come back soon. i came back in 3 weeks and i asked her when she was free so i can come to see her as i was away for her birthday i had missed giving her birthday dinner ( i had already given her the birthday gift before i was leaving) she said she was busy and could see me the following week i arranged the dinner plans and even asked if she wanted to go see a film latter but she said as she would get of work we can have dinner and watch something at her place. all fine and well. day of the dinner i went to see her and asked her where she was and she said she would come and meet me in the shop i was near to as i was walking and talk i had to go around the block to reach the shop again. when she say me she said in a upset tone where were you and my feeling of giving her a huge hug faded away and we kissed but not something special. we went to dinner and had an argument over her work thing and after a while we both smiled and things calmed down. next day and this was the first time in 2 years i was being invited to a social event in her korean community of friends. all was well. on the day i had gotten a skin rash due to dust at her house so i didnt want the host to thing i had some infection i just told them it was a dust allergy due to gf place being on the main road (she got angry at this - didnt tell me but i could see) i tried to act to the best i could, my mistake was i didnt touch her back or kiss her in the 7 hour bbq party as i was manning the grill, in the evening when it got chilly i noticed she was wearing my jumper and he jacket was int he next room, jokingly i said is that my jumper can i have ti back and she got very upset. i tried to calm things down that night but nothing would work she was upset but didnt want to talk about it and i came home. the next day morning she called me and she was all fine - just to make sure she was a little drunk at the party and it was her time of the month. and the day after i called her up but she never spoke back so i tried to ignore and called her back and she said she is not happy she wants to feel i love her not how i show but how she wants. and she said she needs time to think and it would be good if i thought about it too. i told her i would work hard at it and get her back she said i hope you do. a few days passed and i made the rookie mistake to go and see her and try work things out i mean when ever we saw each other we always work it out. well this time she didnt want to see me we spoke on the phone for 2 hours and she didnt let me in her building. she said she is getting old and needs to think about her future as well ( i mean on one hand she keeps telling me she doesnt want to get married for 5 years or ever and then she brings this up when my hopes of marrying her had faded - her brother got married last year and had a baby this year and her best friend to is pregnant) we spoke and she said sorry and started to cry and said she needs time and that i am her ideal man but she needs to feel my love. we ended the conversation and i took the train home when i reached home she sent me a txt saying 'hope u arrived safely and didnt get a cold. please dont let yourself too down, sped time to focus on your work to find a job. i feel bad i made u stay outside but want you to know it is necessary for me and hope it will make me clear and hope it will make yourself clear in some point too..' I never replied back to the txt. I am seeking help from a councillor about how i can better show her that i do not need to be with her for just being there but what i want is to be there for her for only because i love her and she can depend on for her future. I know when ever we go through difficult times we end up doing things we latter regret, but if time is what she needs i will give her that but she said might take a month or a bit more. in the mean time i dont know if i can call her or txt her to see if she is okays or leave her alone (which is bad too) just need advice on what to do please please help.
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