Titania22 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 For the public record. I went on a date with a 46yr old today. I know, someone age appropriate for a change. He cancelled on me twice, before it finally happened today. Then he turned up late. He didn't have any cash on him. The restaurant was cash only, so I offered and paid for our meals. No problem to me, but he didn't take that well at all. He got a call after we ordered, and left the restaurant to take the call (his uncle), and was gone for a good 15mins. It seems at 46, his family still tells him what to do. He was a man who man living a simple life (i.e. he like eating fish and swimming, and watching movies that aren't horror). He has never been married. He has lived in several countries, but had no stories of his adventures. He tended to say negative things (not directed at me, more to do with himself (e.g. not letting go of the money thing and berating himself for it). Despite this I think he was trying hard to be conversational (i say trying hard, because it was obvious it wasn't a natural thing for him). He seemed to have a cloud around him (like "everything always goes wrong for me, and the world is conspiring against me"). At one point I mentioned I frequented a dating forum and he asked what I had learnt. And I responded with, "that men are really angry about always having to pay for dates and wish women would sometimes". Which he completely agreed with, but then found an atm and insisted on paying me back for lunch (that kind of boggles my mind). At which point he said "not me" (i.e. i am the exception of women he was annoyed at paying for) and that he enjoyed my company so much it was worth 5 times the cost of the date. (I guess I now know the dollar value that my company is worth.) We went back to my place to play a board game with my daughter and her boyfriend. (I know that's weird, but (a) he seemed harmless and (b) if i had waited for him to come up with something to do, it would just have been awkward as he probably would have not come up with anything. Over lunch he said it was a dream of his to one day have a family (he is 46 remember), so obviously that is my out as I am not having another family at this point. My daughters impression of him, was he was unattractive, unintelligent and couldn't see (he couldn't read any of the cards in the game and didn't have glasses with him). All up I think he did enjoy himself, and it wasn't painful for me. I got the feeling he either has or feels that he has been mistreated by the world, that dating for him a hard work with little reward or enjoyment, that people treat him badly for his jewish ancestry. I can feel bad for him, but I gave up trying to "rescue" people ages ago, so I will point out to him the disparity in our goals and move on.
Dust Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 What an interesting read... and an uncomfortable date. You know you were perfect girl till you said you wern't going to have any more kids. Looks like I'll have to find some one new who lives far away to obsess about.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) Sounds more like some kind of romantic disaster comedy starring Merly Streep because it was like a "mature" yet awkward and playful like experience that couldn't be taken seriously as what It seemed on the surface. I'm not sure how you did that all with this guy, seems like he was striking out the whole day...I actually think it was quite sweet of you to kind of invest your time with a guy who just didn't have himself together and you knew you couldn't hold It against him necessarily, and he was pretty harmless. The guy sounds like a mess for the dating world, but he may feel you're interested in him now? after all you did take him back home to meet your daughter. I'm sure he'll be somewhat easy to let down...you seem to have understood him pretty well, although It's nice to hear you're not going to try and bear his burdens with him and move on...interesting story. Edited April 1, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
Els Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) Edit: Oops, missed the last sentence in your OP for some obscure reason. I agree with you, OP. Move on. Edited April 1, 2012 by Elswyth
Author Titania22 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 What an interesting read... and an uncomfortable date. You know you were perfect girl till you said you weren't going to have any more kids. Looks like I'll have to find some one new who lives far away to obsess about. I'm sorry DUST, but I have already been child rearing for 16yrs, and I am tired of it. I am looking forward to a time, when I can be spontaneous and not to have everything so planned out as to are the kids taken care of. I love my kids heaps, but I wish they were already more self sufficient (i.e. would work out there own food and even go to shop to get it). I would love to be able to say, "screw it, I am going to fly over and watch mlg live this weekend and maybe meet some ls people" without having to organise how the kids needs are going to be met, and if the money i spend on the trip is going to be too risky for the budget, because i am responsible for 3 mouths and not just my own. When I make bad financial 3 of us are affected, not just me, and that constant responsibility wears thin. Sorry for the vent, I want to enjoy life for a bit. I want to be able to have passionate sex, without having to organise and preplan exactly where, when and how long it can take.
Author Titania22 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 The guy sounds like a mess for the dating world, but he may feel you're interested in him now? after all you did take him back home to meet your daughter. Well it's already done, he sent a text to say he enjoyed our date. And I replied, and spelled out the "he wants a family and I don't thing", I got no response. So done is done. As for the meeting kids thing, I don't have the same attitude as other people. My kids aren't 3yrs old and going to attach to every person they meet. And at least this way, my daughter didn't give me a lecture on not giving the guy a decent chance. She met him, she knows he isn't compatible with me. And that gives me more peace at home. I do think the guy had a good time. And it was like a revelation to him at lunch when he realised having a family of his own was very important to him (like he had never put it together before). So on reflection I don't think he will take the rejection personally, and maybe meeting me will give him home that there are better women out there then what he has previously been meeting. So all up I think it was exactly what it was supposed to be. I even said in my text to him, that I had every confidence that his dream of having a family would come true. Because I know from experience sometimes people need to hear the optimistic view.
gaius Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Does your daughter like any of the guys you see? That was really nice of you to invite him back and meet your family, don't see kindness like that too often in the dating game.
Author Titania22 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 A lot of men never grow up, no matter how old. Sad. I agree. I well can appreciate holding on to some childlike traits. But when people can still tell someone what to do, and they can't assert their own rights to make their own choices, that is sad. He knew that call would be his uncle nagging at him, and he still had to take it, whilst on a date.
Author Titania22 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 Does your daughter like any of the guys you see? That was really nice of you to invite him back and meet your family, don't see kindness like that too often in the dating game. Well I rarely date, and can't say I have brought anyone home in a long time. My daughter disapproves of my interest in younger men though. So to her, she would want to encourage me to stay with an age appropriate man. My home is a sanctuary, it's for people to relax, have fun (innocent fun) and not worry about being judged and ridiculed. I will only invite people over who I feel will respect that, and anyone inside my home regardless of if they are a resident or a visitor with be treated with that courtesy. I realise that might not be common in the dating game, but I don't really play the dating "game". I just try to be a good person and true to myself. And I hope one day that will be rewarded and I will meet someone who is a good match for me. In the meantime I will always try to do no harm, and hopefully do some good along the way. I also live that as an example to my children. If they don't ever see me interact with strangers, then they aren't going to have that modeled for them.
ascendotum Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 He's left his run a bit late. Who wants to be changing nappies in their 50s. (I guess this guy does). The baby boomers complained about the generation gap, imagine it for the kids in 20 yrs time of the mid 40s+ parents of today.
Art_Critic Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) Seems to me that there is more to this man than you are aware of... 46 Never been married Canceled many times Late to first date No money Takes a call rather than look into your eyes (that obviously he had to take) There has to be something missing....maybe he has a committed GF you are not aware of Edited April 1, 2012 by Art_Critic
Emilia Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Seems to me that there is more to this man than you are aware of... 46 Never been married Canceled many times Late to first date No money Takes a call rather than look into your eyes (that obviously he had to take) There has to be something missing....maybe he has a committed GF you are not aware of Maybe but I think he is just this spastic 1
RedRobin Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Well I rarely date, and can't say I have brought anyone home in a long time. My daughter disapproves of my interest in younger men though. So to her, she would want to encourage me to stay with an age appropriate man. My home is a sanctuary, it's for people to relax, have fun (innocent fun) and not worry about being judged and ridiculed. I will only invite people over who I feel will respect that, and anyone inside my home regardless of if they are a resident or a visitor with be treated with that courtesy. I realise that might not be common in the dating game, but I don't really play the dating "game". I just try to be a good person and true to myself. And I hope one day that will be rewarded and I will meet someone who is a good match for me. In the meantime I will always try to do no harm, and hopefully do some good along the way. I also live that as an example to my children. If they don't ever see me interact with strangers, then they aren't going to have that modeled for them. I want to 'second' your approach. I'm sorry to hear your interaction didn't work out, but like you... I firmly believe that doing one's best to be open, friendly, 'do no harm'... that has both short and long term value for you, your children, and the man you hope to meet someday.
gaius Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I realise that might not be common in the dating game, but I don't really play the dating "game". I just try to be a good person and true to myself. And I hope one day that will be rewarded and I will meet someone who is a good match for me. I think you will. All the good ones get snatched up eventually. Thanks for making my morning even more enjoyable with that story.
luvkitties Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 YOU ARE A WOMAN. I HATE WOMEN. So I HATE YOU. Wow...if you hate us THAT much, maybe you should consider "batting for the other team" 1
westrock Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 For the public record. I went on a date with a 46yr old today. I know, someone age appropriate for a change. He cancelled on me twice, before it finally happened today. Then he turned up late. He didn't have any cash on him. The restaurant was cash only, so I offered and paid for our meals. No problem to me, but he didn't take that well at all. He got a call after we ordered, and left the restaurant to take the call (his uncle), and was gone for a good 15mins. It seems at 46, his family still tells him what to do. He was a man who man living a simple life (i.e. he like eating fish and swimming, and watching movies that aren't horror). He has never been married. He has lived in several countries, but had no stories of his adventures. He tended to say negative things (not directed at me, more to do with himself (e.g. not letting go of the money thing and berating himself for it). I think you gave this guy a fair chance. He probably enjoyed your company and appreciated that you went out with him. It sounds like you treated him with courtesy and respect and gave him a number of chances. Although it doesn't sound like the two of you were a match, and he doesn't sound like someone who has had much luck in dating, can you give us some background context to put this in perspective (without sharing more details than you feel comfortable posting)? For example, when he cancelled twice, did he cancel for legitimate reasons? (eg. maybe he's a volunteer fire firefighter and had no choice but to cancel due to a fire) How late was he for the date? 5 min, 15 min, 45min ? And did he have a valid reason? (eg. he was performing life saving surgery that went longer than expected) Did he have an explanation for having no cash on him? Although it's always a good idea to have cash when going on a date to avoid what happened here, I know a lot of people don't carry much cash anymore since most places accept credit card or there is an ATM nearby. Did you find out what was the urgency about him having to talk to his uncle in the middle of the date? Normally, I would say that he was being disrespectful to you, but was there a legitimate emergency or other reason he gave you? About living a "simple life", is it possible he's in a high pressured work environment and he doesn't need more excitement but instead prefers a more relaxed lifestyle in his personal life? When he mentioned he wanted a family, was he referring to wanting his own kids, or did he mean he was open to someone who already had a family such as you have? Were there any positive aspects about him and the date? Hopefully, you having gone out with him will give him more confidence in dating. 1
kaylan Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Wow OP. You should of been out of there when this dude had no cash for the date. What man has no money with him on a date? Most guys know its common sense to carry cash on dates since not every place takes plastic. I think this guy was a straight up scrub trying to get one over on you. I give you a lot of props for dealing with all the flags all night. Like someone else said earlier, he was striking out all night. If I may ask, how old are you and your kids? and how old are the men you usually date? since you mentioned you daughters dislike of you dating younger guys 2
FitChick Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I have already been child rearing for 16yrs, and I am tired of it. I am looking forward to a time, when I can be spontaneous and not to have everything so planned out as to are the kids taken care of. I love my kids heaps, but I wish they were already more self sufficient (i.e. would work out there own food and even go to shop to get it). I would love to be able to say, "screw it, I am going to fly over and watch mlg live this weekend and maybe meet some ls people" without having to organise how the kids needs are going to be met, and if the money i spend on the trip is going to be too risky for the budget, because i am responsible for 3 mouths and not just my own. When I make bad financial 3 of us are affected, not just me, and that constant responsibility wears thin. I want to enjoy life for a bit. I want to be able to have passionate sex, without having to organise and preplan exactly where, when and how long it can take. These are all reasons why I never had kids and have never regretted it.
ascendotum Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Wow OP. You should of been out of there when this dude had no cash for the date. What man has no money with him on a date? Most guys know its common sense to carry cash on dates since not every place takes plastic. I think this guy was a straight up scrub trying to get one over on you. I agree he screwed up by not having any cash on him. I guess if he was running late, he did not have time to stop off at an ATM. For the majority of women they would have walked then (though he did find an ATM to pay her back with so he's not a deadbeat, just unorganised) To me it is weirder they struck a dining establishment that does not do eftos or c-card.
fishtaco Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I'm with kaylan and some of the other posters. You were REALLY nice. This guy is a loser when it comes to dating. Forget to get money? Are you kidding me? Also, on a date, turn off your phone! Men with umbilical cords attached to their family are not date-able. You date them, you date their whole family. Their moms would be telling you the proper way to have sex with them. I think you did more than what was required of you. You were nicer to him than 99.99% of the women would be out here in Los Angeles. You should be able to move on absolutely guilt free. Sorry it turned out to be a dud, but at least duds are better than jerks.
RedRobin Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I agree he screwed up by not having any cash on him. I guess if he was running late, he did not have time to stop off at an ATM. For the majority of women they would have walked then (though he did find an ATM to pay her back with so he's not a deadbeat, just unorganised) To me it is weirder they struck a dining establishment that does not do eftos or c-card. Yea, I don't carry cash much either. I don't get the sense he's a bad guy trying to get one over. Disorganized. Yep.
Author Titania22 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 For example, when he cancelled twice, did he cancel for legitimate reasons? (eg. maybe he's a volunteer fire firefighter and had no choice but to cancel due to a fire) Yeah, the first time he was volunteering the next day, so i guess he just had to get himself organised on the saturday (when our date was scheduled), the second time he had to work. (So I wasn't fussed these things happen.) How late was he for the date? 5 min, 15 min, 45min ? And did he have a valid reason? (eg. he was performing life saving surgery that went longer than expected) Well, his latest was 2fold, 1si he said on the phone he was leaving straight away and I think it was actually 45min-1hr that he actually left, the other reason wasn't his fault though, the trains weren't running in my area and he had to take a train bus. Again, it was understandable, so I didn't let it spoil my mood. Did he have an explanation for having no cash on him? Although it's always a good idea to have cash when going on a date to avoid what happened here, I know a lot of people don't carry much cash anymore since most places accept credit card or there is an ATM nearby. Actually I have encountered this no cash thing before with men. So I just joked about men having smart phones and no cash. When his phone rang I did indeed find out he had a smart phone. BTW for ascendum, I chose the restaurant, because the food is awesome and lunch is only $6.50 per person, I always carry cash, so I never even thought about it. Did you find out what was the urgency about him having to talk to his uncle in the middle of the date? Normally, I would say that he was being disrespectful to you, but was there a legitimate emergency or other reason he gave you? I think his Uncle was just nagging him to go to church on passover and call one of his female relatives. He seemed really agitated and that more was going on then I was aware, but didn't elaborate. About living a "simple life", is it possible he's in a high pressured work environment and he doesn't need more excitement but instead prefers a more relaxed lifestyle in his personal life? Maybe, he works with cameras, with the BBC. He is over here making a dinosaur movie. When he mentioned he wanted a family, was he referring to wanting his own kids, or did he mean he was open to someone who already had a family such as you have? Were there any positive aspects about him and the date? Hopefully, you having gone out with him will give him more confidence in dating. I definately think he meant wife and kids of his own, though I don't recall him using specifically those words. It was like he got a glazed look in his eyes, I think he was thinking about his uncle and his currently family problems, and then he snapped back and announced his desire to have his own family one day, like that was his ultimate mission in life and he only just realised it. That's is the only way I can describe what happened from my perspective. Obviously I have no idea exactly what his thoughts were leading up to that moment. As for positive aspects about him, he seemed like a nice person, he also didn't seem like he would be able to offer me anything in life that I would be wanting.
Author Titania22 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 If I may ask, how old are you and your kids? and how old are the men you usually date? since you mentioned you daughters dislike of you dating younger guys I can't believe we are rehashing this Kaylan. I will be 40 in a few months, my kids are 13 and 16, and I like men in their 20's. I am trying to be open to a larger age group, but when I have a date like that, it makes me just want to grab some young guy....and you can fill in the blanks. Ooo and I give myself a huge pat on the back for getting through the whole date and not mentioning once about my love of younger men and not talking in any detail about my friendships with younger men. And I didn't talk about gaming either. (As an aside, I have joked before I guess mostly with male friends, but possibly on here, and how it seems guys just assume i am an easy party girl from my looks. Well on the date, when my obvious intelligence shone though, he actually apologised for misjudging me, could it be that he too had assumed I was an easy party girl?)
Kuen Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I am happy for you Titania that your doing best to make it work even though he acted like that but you still pushing your good deeds. The sad part is he don't know how to appreciate your effort and cant move forward. I hope he will realize that he have to get going as his getting to old.
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