GivenUp0083 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I've always had a tendency in my life to be proactive and take action to try to find something or achieve it when I want it. I've learned that love is the one thing in life you have no control over finding. I know in my heart I'm not meant to find it. With that being said: I've determined that I need to stop my old bad habits of pursuing women, online dating, asking out women that I like, etc. It's only been a month so far but I think I'm doing well. I've had a couple opportunities to pursue a woman or two but I successfully resisted. Unfortunately, there's a woman I work with at a new job I just started last week who is very cute and has given me what I call "the look" a couple of times already. I haven't officially met her, but I have some meetings with her next week. I know at this point I will be tempted to flirt with her or get to know her and my instinct will try to persuade me to ask her out or make an effort to get to know her better. I must prevail, I must resist. Some things in life that help us achieve happiness are not things that come easily, they take work. If I want to continue to be a happy person I must avoid these scenarios. I know where the road leads if I do the same thing I usually do: confusion....emotional stress....hurt. I think this will be a good test for me. I can avoid this. I just have to detach myself whenever a situation arises where I become interested or attracted to a woman. I can do this. Thanks for listening.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 This begs the question: Why? Why what? Why resist?...the answer to that should be clear. I ask: Why sacrifice my current happiness?
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 but are you actually happy doing what you're doing? Are you forcing yourself to adopt a specific behaviour pattern, because it's truly what you want to do, and you are gloriously happy being single, celibate and unattached - or is it something you're forcing yourself to do, to deny yourself the pleasure, fascination and great joy a relationship can bring? why force yourself to be what you're not, in order to convince yourself you are #happy# doing it?
ascendotum Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 determined that I need to stop my old bad habits of pursuing women. lol, I wouldn't have called this a bad habit, even if you continually picked the wrong women. If you are quite content with being single for the time being, then don't go out of way to change anything, and leave it up to 'chance events'. I think you are jumping ahead of yourself here though. You should A. find out if this girl is single and B. find out what her personality & attitude to life is like, before fighting the urge.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 but are you actually happy doing what you're doing? Yes, compared to how hurt I was last year, it took me at least 8 months to get over my last breakup. I'm great now, and I'm smart enough to realize this came with a lot of work. I don't want to mess this up. Are you forcing yourself to adopt a specific behaviour pattern, because it's truly what you want to do, and you are gloriously happy being single, celibate and unattached - or is it something you're forcing yourself to do, to deny yourself the pleasure, fascination and great joy a relationship can bring? I wouldn't say I'm 'gloriously happy', but I am happy right now and I have a lot of good things going for me right now. I do know that how I feel now is about 10 times better than when I was dating. I really really hate dating. I have no desire to do that ever again, yet through natural instincts and attraction to some women I do stupid things like make efforts to get to know them, start to like them, then ask them out....then all the problems, confusion, and pain starts. I'll pass on that, thank you. why force yourself to be what you're not, in order to convince yourself you are #happy# doing it? Being happy isn't something I have to convince myself of, I am happy right now. But if I do as you would put at "be myself" and continue to pursue women I meet then I'll just go back to being unhappy again. People can change, they have to want to do it and they have to make a serious effort. My happiness is at stake so I have to work to keep it that way or I'll just fall into the same pit over and over again. determined that I need to stop my old bad habits of pursuing women. lol, I wouldn't have called this a bad habit, even if you continually picked the wrong women. If you are quite content with being single for the time being, then don't go out of way to change anything, and leave it up to 'chance events'. I think you are jumping ahead of yourself here though. You should A. find out if this girl is single and B. find out what her personality & attitude to life is like, before fighting the urge. I'm not doing anything. I have to NOT get to know her, you see, that's how it all starts. Sure, maybe she has a bf or isn't interested. Most women are NOT interested in me, it's the ones who don't know it yet and lead me on for other agendas are the ones that scare me. There's no way to tell between those girls and a girl that actually likes you and cares about you. The risk is too great, I'm going to stick to the plan, do things in my life to make ME happy on my own, and so far that's going very well for me.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same. This type of peaceful happiness is million times better than nervewrecking dating experiences that leave you shattered. I never want to be in that place again. I have had a couple of major heartbreaks and few minor ones. There is only so much a person can take. Every single time I think it will be different. It never is. At 33, it's time to give up and be happy with things I have control over. I always used to feel envious when I see 2 people in apparently happy relationship. Now I either feel nothing, or think to myself "wait a few months or a few years...it ain't gonna end pretty". Relationships just seem to exhaust my life energy until I am a shell of my former self. Why on earth would I ever do it again? I don't buy lottery because odds of winning are incredibly small. Why would I risk my heart for odds that are not much higher than winning the lottery? My poor, dear heart? No thanks. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I think it's more important to find a middle ground, rather than to be grimly determined to do something, just in case *this or that* happens. I'm in a relationship, and i'm quite happy. But at some point, it will be over. Because either he will die, or I will die. Or again, he will leave, or I will leave. so what? Nothing lasts for ever. everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. Every single thing you think, say do, see, hear, taste, smell, feel, experience - is temporary. Transitory. Ephemeral. So why not enjoy it while it's here, instead of living a life in a compartment, and deny yourself potential serenity and happiness....? 1
Anela Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I was planning to come back here to answer private messages tonight, but I had this thread on my mind when I was in the bath - because I've been feeling the same way. Now that I'm here, I can't remember half of what I wanted to say.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 The trick is really to just stay busy. If you make your life so busy with something going on every single day and evening, you not only will have zero time to date, but you won't even have time to THINK about dating...
Imajerk17 Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I'm not doing anything. I have to NOT get to know her, you see, that's how it all starts. Sure, maybe she has a bf or isn't interested. Most women are NOT interested in me, it's the ones who don't know it yet and lead me on for other agendas are the ones that scare me. There's no way to tell between those girls and a girl that actually likes you and cares about you. The risk is too great, I'm going to stick to the plan, do things in my life to make ME happy on my own, and so far that's going very well for me. You realize that is only going to make her more determined to know you, right? I'm only half-joking here...
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