BringMeBackToLife Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I know there are a lot of women on these forums (and I don't mean that in any bad way), so please help an 18 year old guy out. Ive been dating my girlfriend for about over 2 years, we do everything with each other and quite frankly I'm just tired of it. Im tired of planning everything for the both of us, I'm tired of spending so much time with her, because the more time i spend with her, the more harder it becomes to spend time with my own friends because I get so used to hanging out with her, and only her. Ive always been a quite guy, not shy about talking to people, but quiet. Since I've been dating her Ive made so few friends because I just feel like "eh, I have her, so whatever". I feel like life is flying by and I'm missing out on socializing. I'm not talking about clubs and stuff, I'm not like that, but I'm missing out on living for myself and expanding my life. I feel trapped with her and I want to break free and just do whatever I want. She gets in the way of plans for myself and goals I want to achieve. I mean, we get along fine. But I see no future with her and the more I spent time I have begun to realize what a negative thinker she is and how the way she thinks...just annoys me a lot. Yes. I am selfish. I cant imagine ever sitting down with her and breaking up with her. I just cant imagine what it would be like to be single again, but I WANT to be single. I want to do whatever I want. We both have narrowed our circle of friends by being together, I fear for her ending up all alone without friends... I'm very frustrated Sorry if this post doesnt make sense, its hard for me to express these feelings in words.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Ouch. I hope she lets you go, first. Doesn't sound like you include her with your circle of friends; she probably feels left out that you won't include her. If your friends are your priority, you don't deserve her for putting up with that immature nonsense for 2 years. Go hang with your pals and see how satisfying that is when you are wanting affection.
cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I know there are a lot of women on these forums (and I don't mean that in any bad way), so please help an 18 year old guy out. Ive been dating my girlfriend for about over 2 years, we do everything with each other and quite frankly I'm just tired of it. Im tired of planning everything for the both of us, I'm tired of spending so much time with her, because the more time i spend with her, the more harder it becomes to spend time with my own friends because I get so used to hanging out with her, and only her. Ive always been a quite guy, not shy about talking to people, but quiet. Since I've been dating her Ive made so few friends because I just feel like "eh, I have her, so whatever". I feel like life is flying by and I'm missing out on socializing. I'm not talking about clubs and stuff, I'm not like that, but I'm missing out on living for myself and expanding my life. I feel trapped with her and I want to break free and just do whatever I want. She gets in the way of plans for myself and goals I want to achieve. I mean, we get along fine. But I see no future with her and the more I spent time I have begun to realize what a negative thinker she is and how the way she thinks...just annoys me a lot. Yes. I am selfish. I cant imagine ever sitting down with her and breaking up with her. I just cant imagine what it would be like to be single again, but I WANT to be single. I want to do whatever I want. We both have narrowed our circle of friends by being together, I fear for her ending up all alone without friends... I'm very frustrated Sorry if this post doesnt make sense, its hard for me to express these feelings in words. First of all, you're not selfish, secondly, YOU ARE SO YOUNG!!! Thirdly, I am 41 years old, and I get where you're at. You know what, you're growing, and that's good. I remember how it was that long ago when I started dating, your BF/GF was "it", and it's ok for you to move on, I think it's healthy too according to what you stated. BTW, the thing with dating, marriages, all that stuff, just an FYI, it will always pull you away from your friends more, that's normal, but wanting to reconnect with them when you're in this place, I also think is healthy. Ok, all that being said, here's my opinion on the break up part... Make sure you set aside some time to focus on "the talk", don't do it over the phone, email, text PLEASE!!!! Be a big person about it, be honest, kind, gentle and understanding of how she is going to feel. While you are probably happy that you're going to move on, she may be devastated, try to be patient. I'm 41 (as I mentioned) and my X broke up with me for good reasons of his own, and I have certainly had my moments, and he's been patient with me, I really appreciate it, we did have a great relationship, and really loved each other, I'm sure we'll be good friends in the future. I am sad though. Make time to have this talk, just don't spurt it out and bail, treat her like a friend, be caring. I bet you get some good advice here, I think what you're doing is healthy. I get a lot of people bashing me about my X for his breaking up with me, but I totally understand why and I still love him, but, it is what it is. I'll be ok, and so will she. Good luck to the both of you!! You have the whole rest of your life ahead of you, I envy that, lol!!!
Author BringMeBackToLife Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) I always include her in my circle of friends, in fact my circle of friends is now her circle of friends! I'm not the kind of guy that keeps his boyfriend and friends separate. I like everyone together. The problem is that she herself makes no effort to socialize with other people, she has one close girlfriend. She mainly socializes with my friends. This problem goes both ways, I feel like we both hold each other back. cflowers32, thank you for understanding. I'm not looking to hurt her. We both know we aren't going to get married, I feel like we have become so attached to one another and its not good for either of us. Its difficult to explain. It is easy to condemn me for all these words I guess, but I really want to look at my future and well being, and hers as well. Edited April 1, 2012 by BringMeBackToLife
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I always include her in my circle of friends, in fact my circle of friends is now her circle of friends! I'm not the kind of guy that keeps his boyfriend and friends separate. I like everyone together. The problem is that she herself makes no effort to socialize with other people, she has one close girlfriend. She mainly socializes with my friends. This problem goes both ways, I feel like we both hold each other back. cflowers32, thank you for understanding. I'm not looking to hurt her. We both know we aren't going to get married, I feel like we have become so attached to one another and its not good for either of us. Its difficult to explain. It is easy to condemn me for all these words I guess, but I really want to look at my future and well being, and hers as well.Maybe she's just not that social. I, myself, am a homebody; always have been. Comfortable in my own skin--she is probably that way, too. So ditch her because she chooses to have one friend of her own and socialize with yours? Let her go so she can find someone worthy of her time. Do it in person, no texting or phone or email. And don't dump her and try to ask her back out 3 days later. Either you are in or not. 2
cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) And here's my take on what EVERYONE HAS TO SAY TO MY POSTS, in general, and that really includes everyone.... "If it doesn't apply, let it fly". I am glad that she says what she says. For me it's empowering to have another female on my side that wants to have my back, and in turn, she's trying to have this woman's back. Good for her. We are all entitled to our opinions, and we can all agree to disagree. This relationship thing is different for all of us, none are the same, but I think the point of this site is that we all offer something for each other, that's great!! And Joe, I get what you're saying too, I think you're wanting B&B to be nicer, and you know what? I don't think that's going to happen, and quite frankly, I'm glad. Edited April 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Deleted off-topic quote and response
Author BringMeBackToLife Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 Honestly if anyone wants to nitpick at things I say, that's fine too and I cant do anything about it. But I'm hoping people can pick up the bigger picture here, because I obviously cant explain every aspect of my relationship. 1
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 well, there isn't a nice way to break up, but yeah, doing it in person, and not being a jerk (like starting a fight, name calling, saying she needs to lose weight) would be a plus. I think her being more introverted isn't a good reason to break up. i think you should be honest. You are young, and you aren't ready to settle down, and you feel if you spend anymore time with her, she will want you to, and then you will have to break her heart. so instead of waiting and wasting anymore of her time, you are going to call it off. Just tell it like it is, say you are sorry, but you are doing what you think is the best thing for you. wish her well, and tell her that it isn't her fault, but you just need to see what is out there and be free. She will try and talk you out of it, she will try and convince you to try it again. but, be firm, and say good bye, and leave her alone. do not call her, or text her, let her heal, she will try and reach out, you will only hurt her more if you string her along. let her go, she wont want to. she will beg, and plead, and cry. for her sake, be strong, and dont be wishy washy. she deserves someone that wants her completely and isn't on the fence. 1
cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Honestly if anyone wants to nitpick at things I say, that's fine too and I cant do anything about it. But I'm hoping people can pick up the bigger picture here, because I obviously cant explain every aspect of my relationship. Which is why I said "if it doesn't apply, let it fly". People are going to have their opinions, and in the end, you need to do what you think is best. I just hope you do it nicely. You are so young, and I totally understand where you're at. I actually applaud you. My very best to you, and you have my support, totally!!
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 awh, he has to expect some flack posting this in the break up forum...he knows there are more people hurt from being dumped than dumpers, or if he didn't, he knows now, lol. in all seriousness though, advice is advice. you can ask for it, but can't garauntee what you will get. Cf has the right idea. Take what you want, leave what you don't. It's like an all you can eat buffet...not everyone likes the same things, nor do people give the same answers. *hugs* 2
cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 awh, he has to expect some flack posting this in the break up forum...he knows there are more people hurt from being dumped than dumpers, or if he didn't, he knows now, lol. in all seriousness though, advice is advice. you can ask for it, but can't garauntee what you will get. Cf has the right idea. Take what you want, leave what you don't. It's like an all you can eat buffet...not everyone likes the same things, nor do people give the same answers. *hugs* Exactly, everyone is going to have their own opinion, and really, in the end, it has to BE YOUR CHOICE!!! 1
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 to have expectations is to have disappointment...if you don't expect something, you may be pleasantly surprised. 2
cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 to have expectations is to have disappointment...if you don't expect something, you may be pleasantly surprised. "Expectations are resentments under construction". If you can afford to let it go, then do so, it's for your better piece of mind. 1
William Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 BringMeBackToLife, welcome to LS. You can expect discussion and alternative viewpoints regarding your situation. It is not appropriate for members to be back-biting and/or hurling insults amongst themselves. My apologies for that. I cleaned most of it up. I'll invite our members to be respectful in their dealings with each other. Thanks.
blindesided Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I think there are a few of us on this forum that can relate to OP. It is fine to get the opionions of other people here. I think it is admirable that you are trying to break up with her in a nice way & not lead her on. Not everyone on here has the same journey. Some of you were in terrible relationships - maybe even abuse, lying & cheating. Others were in wonderful relationships that for one reason or another didnt see a future. I dont think someone should be villified for trying to do the right thing. If your heart isnt in it - why stay & string the person along. There is a right way & wrong way to break up. Yes - she will be devastated & maybe more so because there was nothing "wrong" in the relationship. You are just two people tried to make it work & for whatever reason - chemistry, values... it wont work out. I agree with the NC - dont just check in on her or text her - let her be. Its going to hurt no matter what. You can try to be supportive of her & her feelings without giving her false hope of getting back together
Kamila Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I know there are a lot of women on these forums (and I don't mean that in any bad way), so please help an 18 year old guy out. Ive been dating my girlfriend for about over 2 years, we do everything with each other and quite frankly I'm just tired of it. Im tired of planning everything for the both of us, I'm tired of spending so much time with her, because the more time i spend with her, the more harder it becomes to spend time with my own friends because I get so used to hanging out with her, and only her. Ive always been a quite guy, not shy about talking to people, but quiet. Since I've been dating her Ive made so few friends because I just feel like "eh, I have her, so whatever". I feel like life is flying by and I'm missing out on socializing. I'm not talking about clubs and stuff, I'm not like that, but I'm missing out on living for myself and expanding my life. I feel trapped with her and I want to break free and just do whatever I want. She gets in the way of plans for myself and goals I want to achieve. I mean, we get along fine. But I see no future with her and the more I spent time I have begun to realize what a negative thinker she is and how the way she thinks...just annoys me a lot. Yes. I am selfish. I cant imagine ever sitting down with her and breaking up with her. I just cant imagine what it would be like to be single again, but I WANT to be single. I want to do whatever I want. We both have narrowed our circle of friends by being together, I fear for her ending up all alone without friends... I'm very frustrated Sorry if this post doesnt make sense, its hard for me to express these feelings in words. That is a difficult one. I must applaud the courage you have to ask this question here. That already shows maturity, sensitivity for other one's feelings and openmindedness. Some guys at 30 even don't have those qualities. Now, after 2 years, your relationship is becoming frustrating. Isn't it that some relationships are built upon the 2 years 'in love phase' and after that reality sinks in and the 'love part' takes over. You don't feel you are 'in love', but you are attached emotionally. The love part is less spectacular than in the early 2 years before when you were more 'in love'. And that's perfectly normal, love works that way. Now you should decide whether you want to settle down with that person or if you want to break-up. Do you want to string her along until someone else comes along or do you want to make a serious commitment to that girl ? Do you love her enough to take that step ? If not, then you'll have to break-up with her properly. You'll break her heart, she'll cry, she'll be devastated, she'll hate you, all kind of emotions will come in your way. Be prepared. Once you'll set that break-up process in motion, you'll change the course of both your lives. I don't want to sound too dramatic, but the feelings will be dramatic. But like I said earlier, it takes a lot of guts to recognize doubts and problems you have in your relationship that you consider breaking up. If you think that her being less outgoing than you is a reason for breaking up, then that's your choice. Also the reason that you see your friends less now that you're dating. Well, maybe if you talk to her and decide that you would like to see your friends more and stuff... Nevertheless you said you didn't see a future with her, so what's the point continuing the relationship here ... (I'm playing advocate of the devil here a bit...) Once your mind is ripe enough to go through the break-up, follow some of those steps: - Break-up in person - Go no contact afterwards - Don't give her false hope - Stick to the break-up and that you won't get back together Now about you, you'll also be immensily hurting. The dumper also feels pain and guilt for hurting someone they deeply care about. Good luck with your decision and the way your going to handle the break-up. At first she'll hate you, but in a couple of years she'll respect you for the way you dumped her, in honesty and the most humane way possible.
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