cflowers32 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 For many of you, it seems like you've been going through this pain for a long, long time. I understand, but I am wondering why you haven't tried dating? Have you tried dating? What happened when you did? I know that NONE of us are going to be any good to anyone else (especially something serious) fresh out of a relationship, but I see some people on here who are still in pain months later. Why are you not trying to move on? What do you think it is? Thanks for your answers.
JoeyArnold Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I'm 27 right now & I never thought I was ready to date before.
budley12 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 my breakup was 4months ago, NC 8weeks ago. I am trying to move on, but im still in love with the person my ex used to be. We were each other's firsts and he has moved on whereas I am stuck. And I see him on campus a few times a week which doesnt help. To make things worse we lived together every year and had all the same mutual friends (including a shared best friend) and of course all my friends chose him over me. Now I am left with noone. I have tried reaching out to new people and such but I am still stuck. I actually did try dating. Ive tried twice. The first time it felt weird with it not being my ex, but I started to like the guy and just go with it. But then I find out he was just using me to buy him things so I dropped him. I tried again... this time on our first date the guy started touching my leg and really flirty and caught me off guard and asked him to leave because I was missing my ex. He has texted me over and over and I want nothing to do with (i ended up texting him saying sorry about everything but i am not over my ex). I have come to the conclusion tht I do not think I am ready to start dating anyone knew because I am still in love with my ex.
ThatDudeXO Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Unfortunately, through dating I'm expecting too much. I'm expecting a good looking girl with good personality, like my ex was but I'm either getting one side or the other. Call me picky but I just want ONE person whose good to me. All the failures of not being able to find that one person have reminded me how special my ex was to me. So I've decided to let the special come to me as I improve myself, I'm not gonna force dating by looking for girls constantly, I'm just gonna let things fall in to place. I also tried FWBs but that is worse than actually dating, the emptiness of meaningless sex strains a broken heart. 1
esteem-jam Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I'm not gonna force dating by looking for girls constantly. ^This. I am not really bothered. I notice I am not bothered, because I remember my mentality from the previous years, saying to myself: This spring... yeah, this spring! Yes, it will be not like before. This spring, here I come. But now? What happens- happens. I wont stress much. If I see a chance, Ill ask the person out (for a walk, to an event, hang out, etc) Sporadically, some times I was trying my luck with adult dating sites/ads. But who has the patience to dig through the mess? Its like a quest, or Rubik`s cube. Im taking it slow, in real life. 1
ThatDudeXO Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Sporadically, some times I was trying my luck with adult dating sites/ads. But who has the patience to dig through the mess? Its like a quest, or Rubik`s cube. Im taking it slow, in real life. For the average, non-underwear model body type male, online dating is pretty much pointless unless you want to settle for waaayy less. The Male to Female ratio is so screwed that you'll never find a decent match, unless you write the most lucrative opening message (which I find ridiculous.) So yeah, if you see someone you like, say Hi, better not to desperately seek.
esteem-jam Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 @ThatDudeXO - yeah, I was checking the Dating section of the LS, and I get kind of sad. All this calculation, to find the best mate... seems so artificial, not how I thought relationships develop. Someone posted this video, I think it has valid points: Dating Sites attract women with issues and baggage Plenty Of Fish - YouTube I have my issues regarding attractiveness scale, issues with money and self-esteem. But for now, I am fine where I am, I am in good emotional space, dont want to rush to ruin that.
budley12 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 ive been on plenty of fish for 2 months now. Not to be conceited but I am good looking and would like to think I am heading in the right direction with getting two science degrees. You would think I would get "normal" people interested in me but no. Instead I get old guys and other guys just looking for sex to message me. I mean its a confidence booster having someone message me, but nonetheless it is not my ex (who I thought was perfect), and therefore noone will be as good. I do not want to "settle" for anyone. I want to fall in love, and in order for me to fall in love they will somehow have to be better than my ex (my odds of finding that are probably worst than winning the mega millions lottery - which I unfortunately dumped $50 into hoping it would lead to a new start, oh well=( )
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 my breakup was 4months ago, NC 8weeks ago. I am trying to move on, but im still in love with the person my ex used to be. We were each other's firsts and he has moved on whereas I am stuck. And I see him on campus a few times a week which doesnt help. To make things worse we lived together every year and had all the same mutual friends (including a shared best friend) and of course all my friends chose him over me. Now I am left with noone. I have tried reaching out to new people and such but I am still stuck. I actually did try dating. Ive tried twice. The first time it felt weird with it not being my ex, but I started to like the guy and just go with it. But then I find out he was just using me to buy him things so I dropped him. I tried again... this time on our first date the guy started touching my leg and really flirty and caught me off guard and asked him to leave because I was missing my ex. He has texted me over and over and I want nothing to do with (i ended up texting him saying sorry about everything but i am not over my ex). I have come to the conclusion tht I do not think I am ready to start dating anyone knew because I am still in love with my ex. God do I totally get you there!! So true. You never do know when you do start dating again, your point is well taken. And like you, I feel the same. Starting to date someone else while still having feelings for your X kind of stifles the whole dating thing. You want to, but your heart is just not into it. Thanks for your response Budley.
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 Unfortunately, through dating I'm expecting too much. I'm expecting a good looking girl with good personality, like my ex was but I'm either getting one side or the other. Call me picky but I just want ONE person whose good to me. All the failures of not being able to find that one person have reminded me how special my ex was to me. So I've decided to let the special come to me as I improve myself, I'm not gonna force dating by looking for girls constantly, I'm just gonna let things fall in to place. I also tried FWBs but that is worse than actually dating, the emptiness of meaningless sex strains a broken heart. What is FWB's???
budley12 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 What is FWB's??? friends with benefits. or NSA (no strings attached) for hookups. I too was trying either of these things... but then I had an epiphany and said, these things will not bring me joy. they will only hurt me more after the fact and make me miss my ex more 1
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 ive been on plenty of fish for 2 months now. Not to be conceited but I am good looking and would like to think I am heading in the right direction with getting two science degrees. You would think I would get "normal" people interested in me but no. Instead I get old guys and other guys just looking for sex to message me. I mean its a confidence booster having someone message me, but nonetheless it is not my ex (who I thought was perfect), and therefore noone will be as good. I do not want to "settle" for anyone. I want to fall in love, and in order for me to fall in love they will somehow have to be better than my ex (my odds of finding that are probably worst than winning the mega millions lottery - which I unfortunately dumped $50 into hoping it would lead to a new start, oh well=( ) Seriously??? Well, you'll love this, I met my X on there and you know what? I know we're not together, but he was a great catch. I got a lot of great guys who responded to me, but I didn't feel that we would work out, I didn't see the balance there. I actually even tried to delete him from my profile list and he wrote to me "why did you delete me?" And the funny thing is I deleted him because he seemed to busy for a relationship, and we ended up breaking up because of my pile of stuff in my life. Ironic in hindsight... 1
CopingGal Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I haven't tried dating because I'm not ready. My ex tore my heart to shreds and didn't care that he did it. Bragged about not changing a thing. Told me stomping on my heart and making me physically sick was worth it. So I have a lot of healing to do. I'm having a relationship with myself and getting comfortable without having a man in my life. I am concentrating on school. We dated off and on for three years. I need a long time to get over that. I'm moving on in the sense that I am having a relationship with myself. My ex goes from woman to woman bringing his lies and baggage with him. He's already had two women since we split and we only spit less than 8 months ago...but then again one of the women he was cheating on me with . There may have been more women too. But me, I don't need to be in a relationship every day. I need to discover me, to grow as a person...to grow strong so that I will never accept what I accepted from him again. 2
Art_Critic Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Sometimes the best way to get over someone is get under someone and the other thing that comes to mind... Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it... 1
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 i met my ex on POf too, lol. too funny, dated exclusively for 13 months, not bad at all. lately, i havent had such good luck, but i think if you arent ready, you attract other people who arent ready. i have been on a couple dates. but, something was off. one guy was just way too passive, and the other guy basically called me fat ( im not.but apparently you have to be under 100 lbs for this guy) so, yeah, im not going out on anymore dates unless i run into someone and it just happens. but, im hanging up online dating for a while. i know im not ready, and i just cant handle any rejection right now. even if i have no invested emotions, it still hurts. im just way too sensitive to it right now. but only reason i know this is because i tried. so ill try again in a few months. *hugs*
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 I haven't tried dating because I'm not ready. My ex tore my heart to shreds and didn't care that he did it. Bragged about not changing a thing. Told me stomping on my heart and making me physically sick was worth it. So I have a lot of healing to do. I'm having a relationship with myself and getting comfortable without having a man in my life. I am concentrating on school. We dated off and on for three years. I need a long time to get over that. I'm moving on in the sense that I am having a relationship with myself. My ex goes from woman to woman bringing his lies and baggage with him. He's already had two women since we split and we only spit less than 8 months ago...but then again one of the women he was cheating on me with . There may have been more women too. But me, I don't need to be in a relationship every day. I need to discover me, to grow as a person...to grow strong so that I will never accept what I accepted from him again. I understand completely!! I remained single for over three years AFTER MY DIVORCE was finalized in the court, so even longer. It took me that long to heal, to find me, to enjoy being alone. Yep, I get it. Thanks for sharing Coping.
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 i met my ex on POf too, lol. too funny, dated exclusively for 13 months, not bad at all. lately, i havent had such good luck, but i think if you arent ready, you attract other people who arent ready. i have been on a couple dates. but, something was off. one guy was just way too passive, and the other guy basically called me fat ( im not.but apparently you have to be under 100 lbs for this guy) so, yeah, im not going out on anymore dates unless i run into someone and it just happens. but, im hanging up online dating for a while. i know im not ready, and i just cant handle any rejection right now. even if i have no invested emotions, it still hurts. im just way too sensitive to it right now. but only reason i know this is because i tried. so ill try again in a few months. *hugs* jenn, I think it's funny when we relate to each other. Hmmm... and there ya go! You know, this is why I keep saying that this IS MY JOURNEY! Everyone here has such great feedback, but it's not totally the same for us, we all went through different stuff. I totally relate to you over and over again. By the way, how is your son doing? Mine is ok with it. I have been as honest as possible without making him my "therapist". He said his dad told him "I knew she moved in with him too fast", but he only thinks that because I didn't want to tell him about my BF until I needed to. My XDH tortured me throughout my entire relationship with my BF. I hate that guy, what was I thinking? Anyway, my son is great, and he seems ok, but mostly he's been supportive because I explained to him honestly that "I'm sad about it, I didn't want it to happen, but it did, he's still a good guy, I don't hate him..." that kind of stuff. My son is a good person in general, but I am glad that he is ok, that was a concern for me when we broke up.
budley12 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I wish we could all meet up at someones place and sit in a circle and cry on each others shoulders and share our stories. I'll provide all the ice cream 2
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 my son has been acting up at school, and being extra rebellious. he has also been asking for him, and for his niece and nephew who he befriended and no longer sees. he considered him family, and was treated like part of his family, by his mom, and the kids. so, it's been hard. but, he hasn't mentioned him in a couple days. i have also tried to be open, and tell him its okay to feel sad, that i feel sad too, and that sometimes people have to do their own thing, and that he felt he had to go, and that he made that choice, but it wasn't (my son's) his fault, and that i love him(my son) very much, and he loved him (my son) too in his own way. i think he is getting better though. and i have learned a lesson here, to be more careful, and not let a guy play Daddy unless he wants to put a ring on my finger. 1
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 i think he is getting better though. and i have learned a lesson here, to be more careful, and not let a guy play Daddy unless he wants to put a ring on my finger. That I get, and I'm sorry your son has gone through that transition. I guess, luckily, for mine, he's been having sessions with the school psychologist because of my divorce years ago. BTW, I love her, she's been a great support too. I do hope you all are ok. My son has certainly been a concern in all of this, and I don't want to hurt him either. I had dated a few guys before I met Wayne, and even then didn't want to tell anyone until I had to, so I feel bad about it. I wanted it to work out also.
JoeyArnold Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Friends chose him over me. Now I am left with nobody. So many people do that. They take sides. I hate that. I try not to. I try my best to stay friends with almost anybody no matter what. 1
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 I wish we could all meet up at someones place and sit in a circle and cry on each others shoulders and share our stories. I'll provide all the ice cream Me too Budley, I have thought that many times. I am welcome to chatting with anyone real time, and certainly with anyone that may live next to me. We're all in the same boat. I mutual meeting would be nice for all of us I'm sure.
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 my son has never seen me with another man. my recent ex was the first serious relationship i have had since he was born. and his father isn't in the picture at all, so, for my son, this guy was it. my son has his grandpa though, and his uncles, he has male figures in his life. not quite the same though. i can't say i wouldnt have introduced them because it is important that they mesh well, and over a year, yeah, i think i wouldve introduced them, but maybe not let my ex treat him like a son, but a "friend." i don't know, it is a bridge i will have to cross when i get there, but i will be more cautious. 1
Author cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 So many people do that. They take sides. I hate that. I try not to. I try my best to stay friends with almost anybody no matter what. Yeah, people should remember that everyone has their own idea and IT'S OK!!
JoeyArnold Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I'm having a relationship with myself. I believe in this. Yet, I wonder if it's harder for a guy or girl to do this kind of thing? I believe in having a relationship with Christ first. Since I'm single that is what I'm focusing on now: I'm trying to develop & mature into the best future husband for somebody: I have to take my time in such a process too. Yet, it is also very lonely & isolating at times.
Recommended Posts