zel Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Hello....I was just wondering if you could please advise me about something....my fiance and I have been known each other for about 3 years, and I could tell you in countless ways how much he loves me and I him (I don't drive you nuts with that, promise). There is no one I love or trust more in the world, apart from my immediate family....I'm also familiar with the 90/10 principle (if you love 90% of the guy, he's a keeper and you can always deal/accept the other 10%)....but sometimes, once every 3-6 months, he retreats in his "cave" for 2-3 days.....that means no calls, emails, texts, nothing. this time he's cut the cord for 14 days. I miss him so much, and just send a cheerful one-line text every day to say Goodmorning or I love you or something short and sweet, something that won't get him down--and because I'm 99% sure he isn't holding something against me (I know he deals with plenty of stress in his life, as do we all). I love him and accept he needs space....but two weeks seems a long time. Last time I saw him we had a wonderful day together and he was making plans for the weekend (which, well, we didn't make). I'm happy that he's okay (I called his house but he was at work), but I just feel so lonely and a little hurt from him shutting down so abruptly and completely. I don't want to drive him any further deeper into the cave, but I feel more hurt and stressed by the day...what should I do? How and when will he come out? And how can I be there for him when he blocks me out? Thank you.........
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 You seem like one of the smothering types in a relationship who requires a pretty consistent and high level of attention, affection, compliments, etc..You have your whole world revolving around this guy and while he likes It to a degree and enjoys your company he still needs his own space. I think the one text everyday that's sweet or whatever Is annoying for him, because It's like you're constantly pulling for his affection and attention, and that can feel too constricting and overwhelming, make a man feel frustrated like he's been held down and can't get up. Also in the event you're not always the smothering type (which I know most women think they aren't and usually say how much the guy loves it anyways) a man still needs his privacy and time to collect his thoughts. He wants guy time, sit back...watch movies, play video games, do **** that doesn't matter and takes no effort or energy. You don't have to constantly nurture and build up the esteem of a movie or video game because it's not going to ask you whats wrong...what's going on, Is everything ok? Is there anything I could do to smother you more than I already do which in someway will make you happy even though you're not unsatisfied? When he takes his man time, just let him go. Don't contact him, don't bother him with something minor...let him clear his head and do what he needs to do, it doesn't mean he's forgotten about you or doesn't care, a lot of men need this space to keep their mind fresh and kind of push the reset button because relationships take work/effort and a guy isn't up for it everyday of the week 365 days a year, sometimes he just wants to do nothing by himself. Two weeks is a long time, but I assume that he's just been feeling too overwhelmed and been stressing out, partly from the attention it requires (you) and other things as well I'm sure. The worse thing you can really do is act insecure and bang on the door constantly to make sure he doesn't forget about you, because IF he's engaged to you then it seems he's at least considering things to be pretty serious...you're constant "tapping" because of your own insecurity will just annoy him further. You should wait...get a hobby, take some me time...get get your hair done, got a spa, get a massage, do something girly. The more you do for yourself and the less you lay off him the more he'll come around to you, not the other way around. Just give him his time, I'm sure he'll really appreciate it and when he's ready then have a talk about it. 2
veggirl Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I disagree with Ninja. Why should OP have to deal with this crap? Well I guess she is choosing to. I wouldn't. I sure wouldn't be giving my man infinite # of days to hide and WHATEVER and then be readily available just cause HE is. If my BF had the balls to walk away and ignore me for 2 wks to go into his "man cave" (sounds like a 12 yr old, TBH), I'd dump him. That is totally unacceptable to disappear without word for 2 effin weeks when you are in a long-term committed relationship. Your BF needs to learn some healthier coping mechanisms that don't require him to be a hermit. Does he cut every one off, or just you? Regardless, not cool. 4
veggirl Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 And OP, have you considered the possibility that you have been dumped? Seriously what BF on what planet disappears for 2 wks without a word. He has no desire to talk to you, whatsoever? Geesh, you seriously should dump HIM. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I disagree with Ninja. Why should OP have to deal with this crap? Well I guess she is choosing to. I wouldn't. I sure wouldn't be giving my man infinite # of days to hide and WHATEVER and then be readily available just cause HE is. If my BF had the balls to walk away and ignore me for 2 wks to go into his "man cave" (sounds like a 12 yr old, TBH), I'd dump him. That is totally unacceptable to disappear without word for 2 effin weeks when you are in a long-term committed relationship. Your BF needs to learn some healthier coping mechanisms that don't require him to be a hermit. Does he cut every one off, or just you? Regardless, not cool. You're really questioning what people are willing to deal with after all the posts of these forum? hell, for most situations on this forum that goes without saying. I'm taking into consideration the fact that there is something we may not know or be aware of in this relationship and in his personal life, initially I was mainly speaking in terms of how men want their personal space meaning two to three days in my thinking...however two weeks is a long time, but she says nothing of the state of the relationship other than the generic "everything is going great - so it's all a mystery" generic woman's perspective you see on this forum so commonly. So she's obviously not seeing any reasons or a situation in this relationship, which she's either in denial of or lacks the awareness. He probably is detaching and pulling away in some capacity over that length of time, but If she blows up his phone and presses him he's not going to tell her anyway. That's why when he's done collecting his thoughts and emotions, she should press him for answers and clear the air about what's going on. And to answer your question... Why should OP have to deal with this crap? Because that's what 99 out of a 100 women will do that love a man, and this is not significant or clear enough to her by any means for her to fathom even leaving him, especially with how attached you can tell she is to this guy as well as being engaged to him. Fact of the matter is she's probably just going to deal with it and say nothing out of fear of losing him.
Fondue Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I am curious, it wont' answer any questions for the OP, but I want to know the answer. What is the acceptable way to disconnect yourself from your SO for ~2weeks? Just announce it and say, "I I'll get back to you in 2 weeks," or what? What's the protocol?
Yookie Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I usually agree with your opinions Ninjainpajamas but on this situation I strongly disagree! let him clear his head and do what he needs to do, it doesn't mean he's forgotten about you or doesn't care, a lot of men need this space to keep their mind fresh and kind of push the reset button because relationships take work/effort and a guy isn't up for it everyday of the week 365 days a year, sometimes he just wants to do nothing by himself. Sorry but anyone who's in a supposedly serious relationship that goes COMPLETE no contact for 2 weeks at a time... and counting...(she never said he has emerged from the cave)...is not showing care nor concern for their partner. This man DOES NOT give a damn about his woman's feelings. ...Annnd... he has a history of doing this periodically!?! Uggh!.. Run girl Ruuuuunnnnn! It's one thing to take some "me" time to clear your head or spend a day doing guy things but this kind of thing is on an entirely different level. He's going to work as normal coming home and then just not bothering to contact her? What about his friends and family?
Necris Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Zel have you bought him Skyrim or World of Warcraft? Does he have strange hobbies? Come across any ancient artifacts perhaps a puzzle box of some kind? But seriously 2 weeks is a long time you should definitely check on him and by check on him I mean go find out what he's doing, that's certainly not normal. You also just need to tell him how you feel about his little disappearing acts. Or at least lay down some rules. Absolute worst case scenario he doesn't love you anymore, has gone insane, a serial killer/rapist, or does secretive stuff for the mafia. On a lighter note he could have gone insane and discovered ancient power (that reminds me of this movie I saw where this perfectly normal guy who has a wife and kids finds an ancient puzzle box and locks himself up in his workshop with no contact with the outside world for months trying to solve its mysteries when he finally comes out he looks like a corpse and his family has left him and a man comes to tell him his family died in a tragic accident). 1
RiverRunning Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 2 weeks? He better be dead, around the world having an affair, or being stupid and breaking up with you by vanishing. If it isn't one of those three, then you should be dumping him. Dating three years, engaged and he's pulling vanishing acts like this? WHA? I think it's great when you're in a relationship to have a day or two or three here and there to yourself, especially if you don't live together (even then I think it's important to have an occasional night or weekend away, or to spend the day apart from each other). But it sounds like you get plenty of that in this relationship. So what gives? He needs to come up with a pretty convincing excuse. But I know I couldn't handle someone crawling into his shell for 2 weeks in the future. What happens when you're having trouble with paying bills after marriage? You have a sick child? You have a kid who's acting out in school or at home? Is he going to retreat then too? It seems this is a set pattern in the relationship. It needs to get ironed out or this definitely doesn't need to get to the altar. 1
Author zel Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 You're really questioning what people are willing to deal with after all the posts of these forum? hell, for most situations on this forum that goes without saying. I'm taking into consideration the fact that there is something we may not know or be aware of in this relationship and in his personal life, initially I was mainly speaking in terms of how men want their personal space meaning two to three days in my thinking...however two weeks is a long time, but she says nothing of the state of the relationship other than the generic "everything is going great - so it's all a mystery" generic woman's perspective you see on this forum so commonly. So she's obviously not seeing any reasons or a situation in this relationship, which she's either in denial of or lacks the awareness. He probably is detaching and pulling away in some capacity over that length of time, but If she blows up his phone and presses him he's not going to tell her anyway. That's why when he's done collecting his thoughts and emotions, she should press him for answers and clear the air about what's going on. And to answer your question... Why should OP have to deal with this crap? Because that's what 99 out of a 100 women will do that love a man, and this is not significant or clear enough to her by any means for her to fathom even leaving him, especially with how attached you can tell she is to this guy as well as being engaged to him. Fact of the matter is she's probably just going to deal with it and say nothing out of fear of losing him. Ninja, you have just taken a incredible weight off my shoulders. i am actually breathing easier while i type this. you are right-- maybe i am too clingy, and i worry so much that i am standing at the mouth of the cave pulling my hair.....when i should be sitting much further away, braiding it or something. isn't this what trust is all about? i trust him. so, it's time to prove that by being patient. i never thought that those texts--purposefully brief and light--might be stressing him out even MORE. i feel pretty awful about that now. i'm going to cut the cord and wait him to emerge when he's ready. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. and THANK YOU.
Million.to.1 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Did you read any of the other posts or are those editing blinkers you have on working for you?
Author zel Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 Did you read any of the other posts or are those editing blinkers you have on working for you? Hey... I did And I also took a lot of time thinking about each of them. All of them were genuine, which I appreciate very very much, but a lot of them sound angry too. That's how I felt a few days ago...I can relate. The more you step back, though, the more you see the big picture. Ninja sort of jarred me out of my rut because he seemed to probe more into the question while trying not to assume too much (and what he did assume, seems mostly on the money), and offered a rationale for his response. I still need to think about all this more, but I also know that every action could mean make or break, so it'll help no one to be rash or an extremist. These are the times I wish I was 100 years old with all my infinite wisdom.
Author zel Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 well, thanks for making me laugh that was for Necris.
Jessica w Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 You said this is your fiance... so do you think he will do this when you are married? And if so, would this be acceptable? What if he just up and left for two weeks, or more? Has it ever seems like he slips into depression? Just wondering because my sister's husband would do that occasionally, just kind of shut down for weeks and not want to go out or even get out of bed. I wish you the best and if you love him and he loves you then it is worth fighting for. But to just cut off contact with your fiance or wife like that is just inconsiderate as well as mean. You should really let him know how it makes you feel. He may not even realize it is bothering you.
Dust Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Zel have you bought him Skyrim or World of Warcraft? Does he have strange hobbies? Come across any ancient artifacts perhaps a puzzle box of some kind? But seriously 2 weeks is a long time you should definitely check on him and by check on him I mean go find out what he's doing, that's certainly not normal. You also just need to tell him how you feel about his little disappearing acts. Or at least lay down some rules. Absolute worst case scenario he doesn't love you anymore, has gone insane, a serial killer/rapist, or does secretive stuff for the mafia. On a lighter note he could have gone insane and discovered ancient power (that reminds me of this movie I saw where this perfectly normal guy who has a wife and kids finds an ancient puzzle box and locks himself up in his workshop with no contact with the outside world for months trying to solve its mysteries when he finally comes out he looks like a corpse and his family has left him and a man comes to tell him his family died in a tragic accident). Seriously you are fast becoming one of my favorite posters... the way I some times question girls with really hot pictures her for "are they real" you are fast approaching "are you real" status. Do you live in or near FL? I'll get you laid. I'll point to the hottest woman I see and say "YOU FCK THIS MAN... NOW!" I'd add in "This isn't a one time thing, hes going to want repeat business!" haha well, thanks for making me laugh that was for Necris. You know Necris is disapearing for days at a time! You said this is your fiance... so do you think he will do this when you are married? And if so, would this be acceptable? What if he just up and left for two weeks, or more? Has it ever seems like he slips into depression? Just wondering because my sister's husband would do that occasionally, just kind of shut down for weeks and not want to go out or even get out of bed. I wish you the best and if you love him and he loves you then it is worth fighting for. But to just cut off contact with your fiance or wife like that is just inconsiderate as well as mean. You should really let him know how it makes you feel. He may not even realize it is bothering you. I'm suprised they don't live togather... I mean I believe in living togather before engagement just as much as I believe in sex before engagement. 1
PlumPrincess Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 It's possible that he disappeared without saying a word to make an example if you have repeatedly annoyed him a lot despite his previous requests to give him space to take care of his things. But any normal person who needed time just for himself would inform their partner beforehand that they were going to be unavailable. Disappearing acts are just not ok. When he comes back, talk to him. If he does it again, I'd do exactly the same thing to him, disappear without a word. If he still doesn't get it, maybe it's time to find someoen who is more respectful and compatible. 1
FrustratedStandards Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 My initial thought is that he is having doubts or second thoughts about the marriage, and he needs time to think things through. Although truthfully in my mind when a man says he needs a break, it means "can we break up for a little so I can f*ck around".
starla33 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 My initial thought is that he is having doubts or second thoughts about the marriage, and he needs time to think things through. Although truthfully in my mind when a man says he needs a break, it means "can we break up for a little so I can f*ck around". That is insane how can you imagine being married to this person in the future?! Oh the kids are too much for me let me go away for a month..... You have got to be kidding me. I would dump his ass. 2
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