Cheater personality type?

March 31, 2012

I was with my boyfriend for a bit over a year, we broke up for a bit and now are considering getting back together.

There are things about his personality that worried me from the start and that made me concerned he might cheat. He is very insecure, often self-centered, and has a hard time admitting when he is wrong, owning up to his actions, and often blames others for things he does wrong. He's also really jealous and protective of me when it comes to me being around or having friends with guys. He hides his FB from me. But, being the trusting person I am, I decided to believe him when he said he'd never fool around on me.

We live in different cities, have different groups of friends, so its hard to keep track of him. There were a few things that come off as a red flag. He admits to small things that are sort of wrong, but not wrong enough for me to hold it against him. I suspect maybe he's "half-admitting" while what he really did is much worse. For example, he told me a few months ago he made out with someone when we were dating but before we got together officially. If this is what really happened, it wouldn't have been a big deal. So why didn't he just admit to it sooner? He also admitted (after a year of dating) to have kept a dating profile on pof even after we became committed. He told me he kept it out of boredom. But did he really? He also had a female friend that he'd hang out with a lot. He told me he wasn't at all attracted to her at the time, that they were friends, but afterwards said he was "trying to set something up" should our relationship not work. She told me once that "all he wanted was sex" (which she didn't give him) but later retracted that comment. Very suspicious!

Anyway, what happened this week really bothered me. He told me out of anger (we were arguing) the other week that he slept with someone else (one person to be exact). Okay. We aren't together. I can deal with that. Then I go to his house and find a condom on his floor (the girl he told me about was in his home town - he saw her when visiting) so he must have had someone else there. Then admitted to sleeping with a second girl. When I was upset that he lied to me, he refused to apologize. He told me he had "half" told me the truth (about the first girl), and didn't want to hurt me further by telling me about the second girl. He didn't see anything wrong with that, because he was just trying not to hurt me. He seemed annoyed that I felt hurt, like I was the one being unreasonable. I've asked him several times in the past that even though we aren't dating but still hanging out, I want to know who he's sleeping with. He knows I want his honesty, but still chose to lie.

I'm deeply worried that he can so easily lie to me about something like this, and am seriously concerned that he is a cheater. I feel like when he's with me everything is perfect, but the minute we aren't together I cease to exist for him - he goes on about his life like I don't matter, if that makes any sense.

So I guess my question is, what are the chances that he is a cheater type? Do cheaters have certain characteristics?

Any advice or comments appreciated. Thanks!

Edited March 31, 2012 by nayad

March 31, 2012

All mammals are cheaters. It's in our hard-wiring to not be monogamous. we're programmed that way.

However, social, moral, religious, ethical and familial conditioning dictates whether we can resist that or not.

Many can, and do.

He - can't. and probably won't.

March 31, 2012

All mammals are cheaters. It's in our hard-wiring to not be monogamous. we're programmed that way.

However, social, moral, religious, ethical and familial conditioning dictates whether we can resist that or not.

Many can, and do.
He - can't. and probably won't.

Um... What?? That's absolutely ridiculous. Plenty of people prefer monogamous relationships - not all, but plenty. I know. I'm one of them. I've never cheated and never wanted to cheat. When I make the choice to commit to someone, I make the choice to commit.

Just because you yourself are not monogamous, doesn't mean that every single "mammal" on the face of the planet also is not. Honestly...

March 31, 2012

Um... What?? That's absolutely ridiculous. Plenty of people prefer monogamous relationships -

That's what i said.

not all, but plenty. I know. I'm one of them. I've never cheated and never wanted to cheat. When I make the choice to commit to someone, I make the choice to commit.

That's what i said....

Just because you yourself are not monogamous, doesn't mean that every single "mammal" on the face of the planet also is not. Honestly...

I am monogamous.

As with all behaviour traits, it's a choice, but mammals, as a species, are not naturally monogamous.

We, as human beings, have made that choice. but it's not a natural inborn trait.

March 31, 2012

nayad, why are you considering getting back with him? I'm not seeing anything worth getting back with. Run for your life!

March 31, 2012

That's what i said.

That's what i said....

I am monogamous.
As with all behaviour traits, it's a choice, but mammals, as a species, are not naturally monogamous.
We, as human beings, have made that choice. but it's not a natural inborn trait.

Fair enough. I just disagree with the part about it being in our innate nature to be monogamous. Yes, maybe in our pre-conscious, pre-huminoid animal state we were poly, and yes social pressure do traditionally encourage monogamy, but that doesn't mean that we don't internalize those social pressures (like the preference for monogomy) and that they don't become an intimate part of our psychological hard-wiring.

March 31, 2012

nayad, why are you considering getting back with him? I'm not seeing anything worth getting back with. Run for your life!

There are great things about him too, don't get me wrong! We love each other and always have.

I just listed the more negative stuff because it related directly to my concerns about him cheating.

Edited March 31, 2012 by nayad

March 31, 2012

There are great things about him too, don't get me wrong! We love each other and always have.

I just listed the more negative stuff because it related directly to my concerns about him cheating.

Trust is one of the most important legs of the relationship tripod.

The two of you have values that are far apart which will cause you unending drama in the future if you choose to get back with him. He's not the only fish in the ocean. Ditch the loser and find someone who shares your values of monogamy and honesty.

March 31, 2012

Fair enough. I just disagree with the part about it being in our innate nature to be monogamous. Yes, maybe in our pre-conscious, pre-huminoid animal state we were poly, and yes social pressure do traditionally encourage monogamy, but that doesn't mean that we don't internalize those social pressures (like the preference for monogomy) and that they don't become an intimate part of our psychological hard-wiring.

Tell him that.

March 31, 2012

Tell him that.

I shouldn't have to! He wanted to be exclusive too, he wanted to be monogamous. He knows I'd be open to discussing the prospect of poly or an open relationship so long as he was honest to me. Grantid I never promised him I'd be okay with that or that id stay with him if thats what he wanted, but I was always open to that conversation.

Either way, its not the fact that I'm scared he's "struggle with his monogamy" that bothers me as much as the fact that he lied and I'm scared that he's still lying.

Edited March 31, 2012 by nayad

March 31, 2012

there are so many studies which bear what i say out.

If you have made a conscious deliberate choice to remain faithful not cheat and to commit to someone, you have made that choice as a deliberate effort to conform to what our social standards seem to require.

But many many people are unable to remain in a monogamous state, although they have been subjected to precisely the same social conditioning you have.

i think some people are born cheaters, and some are not.

but it always comes down to choice, and i think he's made his choice quite clear....

March 31, 2012

I shouldn't have to! He wanted to be exclusive too, he wanted to be monogamous. He knows I'd be open to discussing the prospect of poly or an open relationship so long as he was honest to me. Grantid I never promised him I'd be okay with that or that id stay with him if thats what he wanted, but I was always open to that conversation.

Either way, its not the fact that I'm scared he's "struggle with his monogamy" that bothers me as much as the fact that he lied and I'm scared that he's still lying.

Ah right, gotcha.

Excuse me pressing my point....

that means then, that much as you love him, you don't feel as if you can trust him.

Trust is precisely like a priceless, beautiful, antique porcelain plate.

chip or crack that dish, and no matter how expertly it's repaired - it's still damaged, will never be as good as it once was, and is worth a good deal less than before....

March 31, 2012

An open relationship is basically consensual cheating. You'd be ok with that, but not the lying? Others may disagree, but an open relationship, cheating, etc., I see as one in the same. If you believe and value monogamy, you wont welcome anything less...

March 31, 2012

"So I guess my question is, what are the chances that he is a cheater type? Do cheaters have certain characteristics?"

So the guys cheated on you several times, gave you a bunch of BS lies that anyone could see through, hides his FB from you, sees others women when you're not around...and you're asking If this is a cheater type?

::looks up to the heavens:: Please god, just take me out of my misery now..

Shut your heart off for a little while, tune out the "good" qualities this guy has that enables him to sleep with more women than just you...and just imagine for a second that you are your daughter, mother, sister, niece, whoever...then reread your post and tell me the chances of this guy cheating again is?

If you can't see that for yourself I'm really not sure what It would take for you to see the writing on the wall, you're clearly in denial and want to be with this guy so you're going to manipulate yourself with whatever you can and whatever anyone else can say that would help encourage you to continue to give this guy another chance...let me give you a real guys perspective...even though you understanding this might be like winning the lotto, you just might get it or at least consider a few things...

If a guy doesn't want to be with you exclusively, he cheats. He also cheats IF he's not ready to be in a committed relationship, and some people cheat because they just can't be with one woman...period. Maybe when they're old, lost all their hair, and are out of the game do they call it quits but that's a long time there.

Men will tell you whatever BS lies they can get away with?...why? because you're stupid enough to believe it. You think this guy doesn't know what he's doing and how hes treating you? he has no respect for you..he knows it, and all he has to do is say the stupidest most ridiculous lie and you buy it to your full capability...what would a man respect you for that? He won't, so he'll just continue and even treat you worse!

"I'm deeply worried that he can so easily lie to me about something like this, and am seriously concerned that he is a cheater."

Really?....really?, what do you need...the video tape? security cam footage? suspicious?

It couldn't be more obvious and in your face...what do you need to understand?

Your feelings are way overshadowing any sensibility in you to even fathom the idea of reconciling....this guy is in no way interested in a committed relationship and he's doing everything under the sun to show you yet because he won't tell you to your face you're going to sit there like a little sad puppy and wait for him to give you some attention.

Don't you think there's a reason he doesn't have you on his FB?

Don't you think there's a reason he had an online dating profile? (boredom? ha!)

You act like these are little hints or clues....there's no need for forensics in this case...case closed, obvious and in your face...It's like being on fire and saying "well that looks like fire, I smell my flesh burning...I THINK I might be on fire...should I do something or just wait?"

Bottom line Is your quest for the "truth" is extremely ridiculous because this guy will never tell you the whole story because he's afraid If you knew more than half of it then you'd leave him. The truth is he's been screwing you over from day one and he will continue to do so, he's weak and cowardice so he comes to you because you're one of those people that are by his side no matter what, so whenever he's feeling down or not getting some this week you're always a safe and consistent bet he can fall back on. You're just an option though...and you know why? because you've let him treat you like one...nobody wants to fix up their work vehicle they put a lot of miles on, they trash It when they're done running it into the ground then go and by a new one that's fresh with no history so they don't have to deal with the past...they start on a clean slate with the next insecure and vulnerable girl that's willing to put up with his behavior.

Stop wasting your time, stop selling yourself short in life and letting people treat you like an idiot and disrespect you right in your face and you don't even have the courage to stand up for yourself when someones taking you for a ride.

All those "good" qualities you think this guy has is just a facade, the real person is what he is doing to you and how he is treating you and living his life...that's the real man, all that other crap you think is great and that one day he'll make a great guy is just a wishful dream.

To answer your question about cheating...no, they're aren't certain characteristics necessarily about men who are cheaters, because a lot of different type of men cheat for different reasons.

If you give this guy another chance...don't cry and whine, don't question everything, don't argue and give him a hard time because he's going to cheat on you....just accept that and accept the fact that this is what you're accepting. It's one thing to be foolish enough to be tricked or blinded a few times or for a little while, but It's all on the table now...the whole "I cheated or slept with people why we weren't together" is comical...If you believe that then I'm from the moon!

Edited March 31, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

March 31, 2012

I feel like when he's with me everything is perfect, but the minute we aren't together I cease to exist for him - he goes on about his life like I don't matter, if that makes any sense.

You know the answer to your question.

You can't babysit someone 24/7.

Character is what you do when noone is watching.

Do you want to be his 'babysitter' or do you want someone you know has integrity?

April 1, 2012

He's given OBVIOUS signs since you began dating. Why did you not break it off with him after a few dates? Why are you even considering getting back together?

I don't know if they're obvious signs. Maybe I exaggerated in my first post? But either way I don't have any proof whatsoever that he cheated.

April 1, 2012

"So I guess my question is, what are the chances that he is a cheater type? Do cheaters have certain characteristics?"

So the guys cheated on you several times, gave you a bunch of BS lies that anyone could see through, hides his FB from you, sees others women when you're not around...and you're asking If this is a cheater type?

::looks up to the heavens:: Please god, just take me out of my misery now..

Shut your heart off for a little while, tune out the "good" qualities this guy has that enables him to sleep with more women than just you...and just imagine for a second that you are your daughter, mother, sister, niece, whoever...then reread your post and tell me the chances of this guy cheating again is?

If you can't see that for yourself I'm really not sure what It would take for you to see the writing on the wall, you're clearly in denial and want to be with this guy so you're going to manipulate yourself with whatever you can and whatever anyone else can say that would help encourage you to continue to give this guy another chance...let me give you a real guys perspective...even though you understanding this might be like winning the lotto, you just might get it or at least consider a few things...

If a guy doesn't want to be with you exclusively, he cheats. He also cheats IF he's not ready to be in a committed relationship, and some people cheat because they just can't be with one woman...period. Maybe when they're old, lost all their hair, and are out of the game do they call it quits but that's a long time there.

Men will tell you whatever BS lies they can get away with?...why? because you're stupid enough to believe it. You think this guy doesn't know what he's doing and how hes treating you? he has no respect for you..he knows it, and all he has to do is say the stupidest most ridiculous lie and you buy it to your full capability...what would a man respect you for that? He won't, so he'll just continue and even treat you worse!

"I'm deeply worried that he can so easily lie to me about something like this, and am seriously concerned that he is a cheater."

Really?....really?, what do you need...the video tape? security cam footage? suspicious?

It couldn't be more obvious and in your face...what do you need to understand?

Your feelings are way overshadowing any sensibility in you to even fathom the idea of reconciling....this guy is in no way interested in a committed relationship and he's doing everything under the sun to show you yet because he won't tell you to your face you're going to sit there like a little sad puppy and wait for him to give you some attention.

Don't you think there's a reason he doesn't have you on his FB?

Don't you think there's a reason he had an online dating profile? (boredom? ha!)

You act like these are little hints or clues....there's no need for forensics in this case...case closed, obvious and in your face...It's like being on fire and saying "well that looks like fire, I smell my flesh burning...I THINK I might be on fire...should I do something or just wait?"

Bottom line Is your quest for the "truth" is extremely ridiculous because this guy will never tell you the whole story because he's afraid If you knew more than half of it then you'd leave him. The truth is he's been screwing you over from day one and he will continue to do so, he's weak and cowardice so he comes to you because you're one of those people that are by his side no matter what, so whenever he's feeling down or not getting some this week you're always a safe and consistent bet he can fall back on. You're just an option though...and you know why? because you've let him treat you like one...nobody wants to fix up their work vehicle they put a lot of miles on, they trash It when they're done running it into the ground then go and by a new one that's fresh with no history so they don't have to deal with the past...they start on a clean slate with the next insecure and vulnerable girl that's willing to put up with his behavior.

Stop wasting your time, stop selling yourself short in life and letting people treat you like an idiot and disrespect you right in your face and you don't even have the courage to stand up for yourself when someones taking you for a ride.

All those "good" qualities you think this guy has is just a facade, the real person is what he is doing to you and how he is treating you and living his life...that's the real man, all that other crap you think is great and that one day he'll make a great guy is just a wishful dream.

To answer your question about cheating...no, they're aren't certain characteristics necessarily about men who are cheaters, because a lot of different type of men cheat for different reasons.

If you give this guy another chance...don't cry and whine, don't question everything, don't argue and give him a hard time because he's going to cheat on you....just accept that and accept the fact that this is what you're accepting. It's one thing to be foolish enough to be tricked or blinded a few times or for a little while, but It's all on the table now...the whole "I cheated or slept with people why we weren't together" is comical...If you believe that then I'm from the moon!

There's so much to think about here and I really want to thank you for taking the time to respond.

First off, it seems there was a bit of a mis-communication. I don't know that he cheated. I have zero evidence whatsoever to think that he cheated. My concerns are only that - concerns, worries.

When he told me he fooled around with other women, at the time we weren't together. When he slept with those women recently, there was a mutual understanding between us that we could both see other people. What hurt me in this situation was that he lied about having slept with one of the women, and invited me over for the night anyway with talks of getting back together. This is after I asked him, several times, to be honest with me and tell when when he sleeps with someone. He promised he would. Not just because I want to know what the person I want to rebuild a relationship with is doing, but for safety reasons too. He lied anyway, and I'm willing to forgive him for that in itself (I wonder how other people would react in the same situation?) but it also brings up a host of other trust concerns.

I think some of the things you mentioned are entirely true. I have a habit of blindly looking past things, giving people the benefit of the doubt, always wanting to see the best in people. And sometimes when I care about someone I can't see the damage that's being done.... this has played out in many of my past relationships. That's why I posed here - because I need other perspectives. I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or reasonable, or what. I don't know if my original post came off as overly-harsh towards him, because when I try to bring up these issues he shuts me out and gives me little of his side.

Its possible that there's truth in your truck metaphor and its something I've been scared of for a while... we have others issues too, and even though I'm willing to work through it, I can tell he's overwhelmed and pushing me away. For me I think our problems are worth working through, I think they are easily fixable, not even that serious, and I want to be with him... but he can't, wont, doesn't talk through anything. If I bring something up, even if its minor, he shuts down immediately, gets angry, ignores me, whatever. He doesn't want to deal with it. He keeps on telling me he wants to start fresh with me, a clean slate... but we both know that's not possible. So I don't know, maybe this relationship is exhausted for him? Maybe he's driving that truck into the group because he just can't handle everything the relationship has built up to? I don't know.

April 1, 2012

Just to make things perfectly clear.

She went on cam and ****ed herself for other guys at the beginning of the relationship and never told him for over a year. She also constantly harassed him to strip on cam for money, despite his pleas for her not to, asking what he thought would be insane requests so she would not do it, yet she agreed to all of them. Despite being told constantly that he didn't want them, and that if she did that it would tear him apart and he would feel like she cheated on him. Yet she still fought for it, and in a moment of weakness he agreed.

She instantaneously dropped everything she was doing, to strip in cam for money for random perverts entertaining those sites.

Not only did she constantly request this, and do this to him, but she broke up with him a week before they were supposed to move in together. To a new city, where he dropped everything from his life to move closer to be with her, and to live with her. He changed universities, and moved 150km away.

She had even led him to believe they were moving in together as close as 2 weeks prior, when he signed all the paper work, and gave first/last deposit for the apartment.

Unfortunately for him, the pain continued to progress, as one of his best friends accidentally died 2 days after she broke up with him.

He was alone in a new city, at a new school, at a new job, trying to deal with the loss of one of his best friends, without the one person he wanted in his arms to hold him tight, and to tell him that everything would be all right.

Unfortunately the string of events changed him emotionally, and he detached himself from people close to him. He asked her several times for space, and a break, and stayed committed to her, despite her going on dates constantly with more than 10 different people, and progressing further with some. He still saw no one and didn't look for anyone.

He tried to understand her fear and paranoia about my female friend. Someone who she and I would often mock in conversation for her overly conservative viewpoints, and her insanely narcissistic personality. They both know he would never do anything with her and is merely friends with her. He finds this oddly concerning at how worried she is with him hanging out with her, when She consistently gets drunk and goes out for coffee with ex's and other male friends. Sometimes going to parties, clubs, bars, doing hard drugs and blacking out for periods of the night. Despite his concerns, and his protesting he did his best to accept that she loved him, and wouldn't cheat on him, and got over these all night parties she would consistently go on.

After being broken up for almost 4months and living in a new city, he finally decides to pursue other females. He does this after 4months of her seeing numerous guys, and going on multiple dates with several of them.

At this point he feels like it may be time for him to move on, and inevitably the same weekend he goes home, and has a rebound fling, with an old fling, she too engaged in naked massages, and "fooled around" with yet another guy.

Some clarity may help in your advice

April 1, 2012

There are two sides to every story. I hope the principals here can resolve their issues in real life.

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