Loup-Garou Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Hi everyone. This is my first time posting on any site and, as none of my friends are in LDRs, I'm hoping to get some advice from people who have experience in this area. Thanks for reading this. I met my girlfriend online on a gaming site. She is approaching her mid-twenties, and I'm 30. We immediately hit it off and would spend every night IMing each other for hours. We became friends but quickly developed intense feelings for each other, so we decided to begin an online relationship. When I visited her several months ago (she lives 7 hours [on a plane] away), we decided to enter into a long distance relationship with each other. We've spent pretty much every night for over a year now talking to each other for hours via IM and webcam, and sometimes it feels like we run out of things to say to each other, so we take breaks from the IMing and just email each other. Each time we've done this, it's brought us closer together. We're on an IM break right (but we email each other) now because I have limited time (I'm a full-time student working on my BA and I also hold a job) and I'm extremely stressed from school. Recently (during our current break from IMing), one of her parents was diagnosed with a chronic and possibly fatal disease. My girlfriend's life has been turned upside down. She is taking care of her parent and has never had responsibilities like this before. While she still emails me, it's dwindled down to one email per day, usually 4-5 sentences (she's always written either long paragraphs or many short emails in one day) that update me on her situation. The emails seem more impersonal and I feel that she's growing distant with me. I completely understand that she's in the midst of an extremely stressful situation and that responsibilities that she's never had before have been thrust upon her. I also understand what it's like when you're so busy and exhausted that you literally don't even have enough time to sleep, let alone send out emails. However, I feel that she's growing distant with me. I asked her how I could be there for her, what she needs from me at this time, how I can best support her. She said I'm already there for her and don't worry about it. I also expressed that I feel she's becoming distant and asked her to tell me if I'm misinterpreting things, or if something is wrong in our relationship. She has not answered me at all. She's always told me whenever she feels that something is wrong between us, so I think if something were wrong or off she'd tell me. But she basically ignored my question. I've told her several times that I miss her and she never says she misses me back. I'm not asking to be her main focus in life or demanding her attention, but it would be nice to know she misses me as well! Each person deals with traumatic events in their own way. I think she might be going inside of herself as a way of coping with her situation. I want to support her and be there for her, and if it means she needs some space, I'll give it to her. But she hasn't said she needs space. I don't know how to act in this situation. I can't physically be there for her right now and I don't know what to do. I also wonder if she is growing distant because she's not interested in maintaining our relationship, or if she just has her hands full and is so emotionally exhausted that she can only send me an email with a few words in it. I lean towards the latter because the fact remains that she still does email me everyday, even if it's short, and she hasn't said anything about her feelings changing. But since I can't physically be there, I can't read her body language. It's difficult because of all the not knowing, all the what ifs that come into my thoughts. Any thoughts/ideas/advice on this situation? Thanks for taking the time to read this. It's been helpful just writing it all down, but outside perspectives are helpful as well.
TMichaels Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I know you said you understand what she's going through and are hurt that she isn't leaning on you more, but you need to give her space. She's up to her ears in dealing with an extremely emotionally-taxing situation and the last thing she needs is one more thing to worry about or another person who wants to be "taken care of." And yes, I meant "taken care of" -- as in you and your insecurity that her feelings have changed and your not getting your fair share of her attention when the world as she knows it has been turned upside down. If you want to help, I'd suggest you simply send her an email and tell her you've been thinking about her a lot and hope she is doing okay, but on the other hand know she has her hands full and you don't want to add to her burden. Tell her you just want her to know that you're there for her anytime she needs you but are going to let her take the lead in letting you know what it is she needs and how you can help. Then, leave it at that. Don't call, email unless she does and when she does, don't mention the fact that you're wondering where you fit in her life. And see how things go. In a couple of weeks if she's still in the same "low-contact state," you might consider sending her something like a small bouquet of flowers with a note that says, "Just want you to know I've always been and always will be there for you. Hope these flowers might bring a smile to your face as you always do to mine. Love, XXX" Then again, back off and see how things go. Even if she's got her hands full at the moment, at some point she'll come around if she's sincere. But if you push her when she's got more than she can handle already on her plate, you have a very good chance of being branded as "insensitive" and only concerned with your own needs. Best, TMichaels
Eddie Edirol Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 You missed a "ch". Loup Im going to give you a couple realistic scenarios. As far as LDR, I will give you an idea of what Ive seen happen on this forum with peoples lives. In one scenario she could be seriously emotionally consumed with the possibility of losing her parent. Put that on top of work and whatever else, and her time isnt hers anymore. You already understand she might be stressed with taking care of her parent, but what you have to understand is that an LDR isnt truly enough emotionally for people. They have to see their significant others. So right now, you have to assume that amidst whats going on now, she doesnt have the emotional room to invest in you anymore. She probably cant even think straight let alone deal with someone poking at her "what about me! What about me!". On this board I have seen people talk about how a death of a parent makes someone totally dead inside, and they arent the same person. At that point, the relationship is gone until that person emotionally recovers, which could take years. So for now, I think since she isnt responding to you, assume she doesnt want to, and leave it at that. Even worse, if it isnt about her ailing parent, people most of the time will not tell you the real reason why they dont want you in their life anymore, and they distance themselves instead dealing with a confrontation. Its also possible that she wasnt as emotionally invested in your relationship as she was. Heres the other scenario, and Ive seen this more often. People lie. She could have told you about this sickness so that you cant call her bluff about it. She could have lied to make it easier to distance herself, since you will assume she wont have as much time on her hands. I've read about people doing it after first dates "I have to cancel our date because my granny died" all too often. You have to accept the possibility that she found someone local to her and wanted to pursue a relationship with him, and used this as an excuse. If you have no proof of her parent being sick (who really looks for proof, really), then you have no way of really knowing if she lied to get you off her back. Your best bet now is to stop contacting her. Let her miss you. If she wants to try again, she will come looking for you. In the meantime, please find a woman that you can drive to. 1
CC12 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Heres the other scenario, and Ive seen this more often. People lie. Ergh. I hadn't thought of that, but it could be a possibility. Lying is especially common in online relationships, I guess because it's just so easy. I'm reminded of the guy here (I think it was here) who asked for advice because his internet girlfriend always had some catastrophic things going on in her life (like deadly diseases, terrible physical abuse, her children's illnesses, custody issues, etc) that made it impossible for them to actually meet. Just don't be that guy, OP. But, look, if she hasn't given you any reason to be suspicious, then maybe try to give her the benefit of the doubt. I also wonder if she is growing distant because she's not interested in maintaining our relationship Hey. HEY. If she had to completely change her lifestyle to take care of an ailing parent, understand that it is not all about you, okay? She has other priorities right now, and you should try to be more understanding. Take a step back and let her attend to her possibly dying parent. Don't start whining that she's not paying enough attention to you. Isn't her attention better spent on looking after her sick mother or father? Also note that she is still emailing you at least once a day, which is a really good sign that she's still trying to maintain your relationship while also dealing with her family issues. I think you're being a little selfish. And yeah, you did miss a "ch." Shame on you. 1
Author Loup-Garou Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 Thank you TMichaels, Eddie, and CC12 for your candid responses. You're correct, it is selfish to make it all about me when she is facing the possible death of a parent. Thank you for being frank. She needs to focus her energy on her family and not on me and my insecurity that she's no longer interested in the relationship just because she doesn't write to me more than once a day. The reason I was worried was because communication has changed, but of course it would in her situation! TMichaels, I think it's an excellent idea to back off after sending her an email letting her know that I'm here for her and will help her in any way I can. Eddie and CC12, I've heard of people inventing fantastic lies about someone dying as a way of brushing people off, but I have no reason to doubt that her parent truly is ill. I think the best thing to do is, as you've all said, back off. She knows I'm here for her and if I continue to push her, I'll end up pushing her away. Her time is better spent taking care of her family, not sitting at a computer sending me emails. Thank you all again for your responses and for helping me to see that I'm being extremely selfish in this situation! Oh yes, before I forget...ch 2
Author Loup-Garou Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Thanks for asking, Ghisop. Her parent's illness is worse than they thought but the good news is that the doctors are working on it, so there's hope. I researched the disease and at this stage, it appears that there is a 55% survival rate. I don't know what's going to happen. As for the relationship, we had a long talk and she explained that nothing has changed. She still wants this. She's just emotionally drained and isn't allowing herself to feel anything right now. She knows that I'm there for her so I'm going to leave it at that. I'm waiting for her to initiate contact with me because I don't want to bombard her. I think things are going to be alright but of course we'll see what happens with her parent.
Ghisop Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Good! I'm glad you are at least feeling more confident. I know that people were saying that the disease could be a lie.... But I wouldnt think that's true. I mean anything is possible, but terminally ill parent is pretty big. Best of luck and I'm sure your support is what she needs right now
creighton0123 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Being there for her and making her aware of the fact that you are there for her are two entirely different things. During hard times, most individuals will be more independent and emotionally closed off. Just... be there. However events in her life turn out, you can face them with more focus after the fact.
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