ILuvSoCo Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Hey Everyone, I have tried to figure out what to do in this situation, but need advice : I have been dating my Boyfriend for 8 months and we are talking about marriage. I love him alot, but he cheated on me 3 months ago. Before he cheated on me, i was NEVER jealous and i didnt care that he had old love letters and pictures. He even talked about his ex girlfriend(his first love sometimes)and i didnt care, i thought it was cute. But now, ever since he cheated on me (he's in the military and he drank too much one night, it was a mistake, and he gave up alcohol since it happened) I have been so jealous of everything. I have read all his old love letters and have gone through his stuff. Im jealous that he loved someone before me. I was not like this before. I told him how i felt and he doesnt talk about his ex anymore, he says I am 100 times better than she ever was, and he regrets ever meeting her and wishes he had met me first because she was such a waste of his time. Well, a week ago I was putting something on his desk when I found a stack of My love letters to him. I was going through them, when i Found a love Letter from his ex, he even had it framed in one of those paper frames. It made me soooooooooooo mad! So i ended up looking through all the papers on the desk and i found a sheet of paper with a list of all the people he has slept with, myself included. Snooping even further, i found a folder with a bunch of porn pics and a letter: a love letter from the first girl he ever had sex with, it was lamenated. I HATE THIS, I want to tell him to get rid of it all! all the letters all the pictures. I feel like he owes it to me to get rid of it because he cheated on me and it bugs me now. But i know im probably being ridiculous. HOW WOULD U HANDLE IT? HOW WOULD U TELL HIM? WHY DOES HE KEEP IT ANYWAY?
uriel Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 It's awful that he cheated -- I'm sorry that hurt you so much. But, you've got to begin to trust him again -- at least find a way to work on that together. If you can't do that without snooping, you should think about heading for the door. He has a right to his privacy and your snooping is just making you sick and crazy. This is not who you want to be. He has a right to hold on to old letters and pictures. We all do. That's his past. It's in his head, even if it's not in his drawer. Every graphic minute of it. You've just got to accept that he wasn't a virgin when you met him. (Were you? Do you have old letters and pictures yourself?) That sex list of his is possibly immature -- but I remember keeping one, too, when I was young (and I'm a woman). I'm not sure why, except it helped me to remember where I'd been. If he's using it to keep score instead, that's something else. But you know the guy. Would he award women points like prize bucks? Or, not quite so bad, might he have some deep-seated self-esteem gap that these women helped to fill (if she liked me, I must be someone)? Actually, sounds to me like he might be the sentimental sort. What do you think? Has he got even MORE stuff saved up about the two of you? The point is not whether he has these things, but whether he'll ever contact an old lover or look for a new one. The memorabilia didn't and won't make him betray you. Porn might actually keep him from straying (men like visual variety, even if they are being good about acting on that natural impulse.) Bottom line: The only thing that stops him from going with another woman however casually is how much he loves you and wants to be with you and keep you from emotional harm. If that's not there, no countermeasures you take -- none -- will matter. -- uriel
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