nofool4u Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 She's not grieving that she had the affair, she's grieving that it ended, which is the exact opposite of true remorse. Well I think she can be remorseful and at the same time pine for the OM. But question is, why should a BS settle for that? 1
nofool4u Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Personally, I would NEVER take back a cheater Nor would I. BUT what both spouses decide for their M is no one else's business. Janey decided to stay. Her H decided to stay too. He is a big boy, if he is ok with forgiving and working on his marriage, it is HIS CHOICE. As long as their choice doesn't harm anyone, why would someone care what they do with their M ? Then why bother being here? He decided to stay, but I wonder if he knows what is truly in her head. Do you think he'd stay if he knew she missed her OM and is beside herself that she can no longer have him? You are right, there choice doesn't harm me. But this is a forum full of opinions. If nobody cares what they do, then they don't need to post the story in the first place. 1
jayinblue Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Forget about your spouse and forget about your affair partner because this isn't about them. You sound similar in thought process to janeyamazed. You did what you wanted to do without regard for either your wife or your affair partner. This is pretty common in most affairs. Don't pretend to be concerned about either woman because you're not. I accept the point that this isn't about anyone else, but don't agree with the "don't pretend to be concerned..." bit, because, well, I am concerned. Whether you believe me or not. If you'd been concerned about your wife you wouldn't have had the affair. (Obviously.) I agree I ultimately focused on my needs, not hers when I made the call to cross the line. I will submit to you though that sometimes things aren't so black and white. If you'd been concerned about your affair partner you would have told her "Listen I can't have an affair with you because it would be selfish of me. You need to find a man who is not in a committed relationship and go have a relationship with him." That's called being unselfish--you make a sacrifice of immediate pleasure or emotional satisfaction out of concern of what is ultimately best for the other person. This is one of (the many) reasons why I ended the affair and went no contact. There was no potential for happiness for either her, my wife, my daughter or me. If you'd been concerned about your child you wouldn't have done something which could have (and might still) lead to a divorce and breaking up her family. Looking for your own sexual and emotional satisfaction at the possible grievous expense of your child is the height of selfishness (lots of people in affairs are like this). You say you might be resentful if your wife tried to take her away but let's face it--that would be a result of your having an affair, so it would be on you. Actually, you and I will have to agree to disagree on this point. The two pieces don't actually fit together. If my relationship was not fulfilling and was missing some components. The more respectful thing to do would have been to discuss it and end it first. That I will absolutely own, but whether or not our relationship goes forward as husband and wife does not have anything to do with my relationship with my daughter. You are chewing this over and mulling this over but like janeyamazed completely missing the central issue which is your self-perception as a person having integrity and honesty. From that all else flows. That is the foundation. I don't understand this at all. So are you saying I have *no* integrity and honor and therefore I should accept that I have neither of these things, and that if I *got* the fact that I had neither, that my life would somehow be improved? That sounds crazy to me, sorry... If you saw an old lady in the street and thought you could get away with it, would you steal her purse? Why or why not? Why do you think a person who cheats on his spouse is any "better" in terms of integrity than the purse-snatcher? Cheating is the equivalent of being a thief, liar and a cheat. I don't agree with this at all. We'll again have to agree to disagree on this point. I don't find the two situations to be even remotely similar and to be honest, I couldn't argue the point without at some level justifying the mistake that got me into the affair in the affair in the first place. Whether you'd like to hear this or not, you're susceptible to an affair because something was missing in your primary relationship. I do absolutely believe that to be the case. I also strongly believe that I owed it to my partner to be absolutely straight with her about what was missing and not covering it up. I regret the choice I made about the affair, but that doesn't change the fact that there are things about my current relationship to be addressed. Do you lie, cheat, and steal in other aspects of your life? Do you steal office supplies from work? Do you lie to customers or clients or people you work with? Why or why not? Really, why don't you ask if I club baby seals too... This is not directed at you, but I get the distinct impression that a goodly number of people in affairs who post here are generally dishonest in their every day lives, not just in their marriages, to the extent they won't be caught/can get away with it. That may be true, I can't say. All I can do is post my thought or opinions, in the hope that it sparks a discussion with someone else and provides some things to think about. Which for the record I do appreciate you sharing... though I do think for many (if not most) people on here, people are bouncing thoughts off others - which by itself means that they are self-evaluating. If you didn't self evaluate, then why would you bother posting your thoughts or commenting on others? Oh and please let's not talk about being in love with the affair partner. I don't think being in love with someone should require you to sacrifice personal honesty and integrity. By definition anyone who would ask me, expect me, or even permit me to cheat with them on my spouse, is not worthy of my love. (Which is the point I tried to make upthread to janeyamazed.) I don't agree with this either. It is in fact a "love" or form of it that gets people into so much trouble. I may be totally wrong here, but I don't think I am. I think that was the "feeling" that Janey was describing, and I can relate, because I felt very much in love with my affair partner too (rightly or wrongly). I also strongly believe that we do have some "choice" about whom we decide to love by how / whether we allow ourselves to be put into situations where there is a potential for the situation to come up. But these are just my thoughts. I appreciate the fact you are sharing yours. and Jwill: Maybe a new thread would be a good idea as I don't want to be a threadjacker - but in an ideal universe, my wife and I would have an "aha" moment together, we'd realize that we'd made mistakes, we find a way to meet each other's needs, and my daughter grows up in a house with two happy parents.
nofool4u Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Whether you'd like to hear this or not, you're susceptible to an affair because something was missing in your primary relationship. This is not a fact, just your opinion. I was definitely missing ALOT in my marriage, but you didn't see me going out and sticking my wang in other women. And yes, someone hit on me during the time I was missing affection from my wife. But I was married, there was no way I was going to cheat as a married man. Its simple, some people are weak, and others can resist all to easily. I don't agree with this either. It is in fact a "love" or form of it that gets people into so much trouble. I may be totally wrong here, but I don't think I am. I think that was the "feeling" that Janey was describing, and I can relate, because I felt very much in love with my affair partner too (rightly or wrongly). I also strongly believe that we do have some "choice" about whom we decide to love by how / whether we allow ourselves to be put into situations where there is a potential for the situation to come up. Thats all fine and dandy if you want to think that. So do you think Janey's husband has a right to know his wife misses her OM and pines for him? I doubt if he did know he would stand for having a wife who misses another man. Because its been long enough for her to get over this other guy if she truly is wanting her marriage and her husband and has found a new found love for him. 1
woinlove Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) Whether you'd like to hear this or not, you're susceptible to an affair because something was missing in your primary relationship. I do absolutely believe that to be the case. Some people are susceptible to an affair because something was missing in their primary relationship. Some people are susceptible to an affair because their parent dies or their spouse gets sick or they get sick or their spouse gets pregnant or they get pregnant or they have parental responsibilities or they fear getting older or they lost their job. Some people are even susceptible to an affair because they have a primary relationship! On the other hand, some people are not susceptible to an affair even though they and/or their spouse are going through a stressful time or there is something missing or problems in their marriage, even when those problems are so severe they are planning to separate or divorce. For the latter group of people it may be their character, self-esteem, values, level of commitment, priorities, relationship skills, strong capacity for love, respect for their partner and/or themselves, or something else that leads them to not be susceptible to an affair. Yet others may have some susceptibility, but still chose not to have an affair. I post this in case you, JaneyA, or others posting on this thread who chose to have an affair still could benefit from trying to understand more about yourself and why you made the choices you did and whether you want to stay the same or work to change or work to change some more. One is most likely to have a happy, successful relationship if the two people are happy with themselves and often the most is gained by starting with ourselves when we are looking for what is missing or for things to improve. For anyone who has recently chosen deception and betrayal, there is probably a tremendous amount to gain by starting with themselves. Edited April 5, 2012 by woinlove
woinlove Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Hi everyone. I thought I'd share some thoughts and feelings I'm having after almost a year and half since I've seen xOM. I've been reading some posts lately from people who are 2 weeks NC or 1 month NC and all of the sudden see the light or feel much better. I'd like to say, from a realistic point of view, (someone mentioned this in a post recently but I can't find), the more emotionally attached to someone you were, the harder it will be to get over them and the longer you will grieve. I believe that because my life has gone on, my marriage is solid, I have a new job, new hobbies, I spend more time with my kids, and I wake up every morning thinking of my family and doing what's right for them. The sad reality though is I still grieve the loss xOM. I loved him, and that's what sucks about affairs. Sure you can get out of it and "move on" with you life, but if you loved and cared about someone, the hurt stays. It may leave a while but come back. Last year, in IC, I was told that it's not something that goes away little by little, it's something that comes and goes like a wave. At first it's a tidal wave, but it becomes like the little waves that just crash on the shore. I'm saying this because I don't want anyone to have false hopes about NC being a quick cure to grief. It's not. It's like with anyone who dies or is out of your life for good, you have to wait it out. The hard part sometimes is remaining selfless and continuing to do what is right. A part of you will tell you that you "need" to relieve the grief by just seeing this person one more time. Ignore that part of you. The only way to relieve grief is to stay away. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. I have a H who loves me more that I'd ever imagined. I hate living with heartache and grief over someone who didn't love me like that. People say you shouldn't have regrets. Right now, I do have regrets. I regret not getting help for my marriage before I started relying on another man for my needs. I regret giving my heart and soul to someone besides my H. There is no other place I want to be in my life that where I'm at now...with my family. I just hate that I have to live with heartache, even if it's not as raw as before. It's still an ache that I can't get used to. This is just a reality check for anyone who think an affair would be "fun" or just a quick fling, or a cure for boredom. It's pure hell, and it takes a long time to go away. The heart takes a long time to heal. You can change your thoughts and your actions, but your heart has to heal on its own time. The key is to keep doing what you know is right, even thought the pain. Don't get me wrong. I have so much joy in my life. The ache doesn't define me or engulf me. I am so much better off than before, but I don't like to sugercoat life. I think in order to really help someone, you have to be completely honest and transparent about your own experiences. That's why I wanted to post this. Janey, you refer several times to doing what is right, what is selfless, which is a very tough (and probably unstable) foundation to build a lasting marriage on. If you were able to give your heart and soul to another man and really love him, even if he didn't and doesn't love you, that means you could find someone who you could really love and give your heart and soul to, who does love you. I don't think it is enough that your H loves you so much if you don't feel the same way. It just doesn't seem right to settle and from how you describe your feelings for xOM it sounds like you are settling for your H because your xOM doesn't want you as a life partner. Are you just hoping to stay married until your children are grown or are you hoping for something beyond that?
findingnemo Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Woinlove, I was thinking the same thing!!! Janey, are you sure you're not working on M out of guilt? Out of a sense of doing the right thing? I sense that. I always say falling in love with someone else isn't the problem. The lying and cheating is. While the BS' suffers terribly when an A is discovered, the cheater suffers too. A lot of times the suffering comes from not really knowing what they want. On the one hand, they want to do the right thing - stay M. On the other hand they feel like they should be "happy" and the M isn't making them "happy". If the M wasn't happy to begin with, the solution would have been to discuss the issues and decide whether to stay or leave - for you, for your own happiness. By engaging in an A, suddenly the problems in the M aren't in the forefront. The cheating is. And the cheater even when remorseful and reconciling could still feel like they got the short end of the stick. They end the A, and are back to being a spouse but they are still not "happy". It happens. I believe the reason is the same one which led them to have an A. The inability or unwillingness to confront issues head on. As much as I think BS' should decide whether to take back cheaters or not, I also think cheaters should consider whether to stay M or not. After all, a cheater was once convinced that something was so wrong that they felt it was fine to get a solution from a third party. So Janey, I hope that while you're trying to reconcile you are also trying to figure out if this is the M for you. It's not enough that your H loves you. It's not fair to him if you don't really love him. The key is integrity. You can't live a lie whether it's an A or a sham M forever. Something's got to give... 1
trinity1 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Not the sense of entitlement that lead to one. In some cases maybe. In other cases it's precisely the inability to honor your own needs and wishes which makes the WS stay married. He/she tends to always consider others' needs as more important than his/her own.
heartinlove Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I accept the point that this isn't about anyone else, but don't agree with the "don't pretend to be concerned..." bit, because, well, I am concerned. Whether you believe me or not. I agree I ultimately focused on my needs, not hers when I made the call to cross the line. I will submit to you though that sometimes things aren't so black and white. This is one of (the many) reasons why I ended the affair and went no contact. There was no potential for happiness for either her, my wife, my daughter or me. Actually, you and I will have to agree to disagree on this point. The two pieces don't actually fit together. If my relationship was not fulfilling and was missing some components. The more respectful thing to do would have been to discuss it and end it first. That I will absolutely own, but whether or not our relationship goes forward as husband and wife does not have anything to do with my relationship with my daughter. I don't understand this at all. So are you saying I have *no* integrity and honor and therefore I should accept that I have neither of these things, and that if I *got* the fact that I had neither, that my life would somehow be improved? That sounds crazy to me, sorry... I don't agree with this at all. We'll again have to agree to disagree on this point. I don't find the two situations to be even remotely similar and to be honest, I couldn't argue the point without at some level justifying the mistake that got me into the affair in the affair in the first place. Whether you'd like to hear this or not, you're susceptible to an affair because something was missing in your primary relationship. I do absolutely believe that to be the case. I also strongly believe that I owed it to my partner to be absolutely straight with her about what was missing and not covering it up. I regret the choice I made about the affair, but that doesn't change the fact that there are things about my current relationship to be addressed. Really, why don't you ask if I club baby seals too... That may be true, I can't say. All I can do is post my thought or opinions, in the hope that it sparks a discussion with someone else and provides some things to think about. Which for the record I do appreciate you sharing... though I do think for many (if not most) people on here, people are bouncing thoughts off others - which by itself means that they are self-evaluating. If you didn't self evaluate, then why would you bother posting your thoughts or commenting on others? I don't agree with this either. It is in fact a "love" or form of it that gets people into so much trouble. I may be totally wrong here, but I don't think I am. I think that was the "feeling" that Janey was describing, and I can relate, because I felt very much in love with my affair partner too (rightly or wrongly). I also strongly believe that we do have some "choice" about whom we decide to love by how / whether we allow ourselves to be put into situations where there is a potential for the situation to come up. But these are just my thoughts. I appreciate the fact you are sharing yours. and Jwill: Maybe a new thread would be a good idea as I don't want to be a threadjacker - but in an ideal universe, my wife and I would have an "aha" moment together, we'd realize that we'd made mistakes, we find a way to meet each other's needs, and my daughter grows up in a house with two happy parents. Hi JayinBlue. Nice to see you hear. Your responses to some of my earlier posts were very helpful, so I thought I'd offer some support here. Very impressed you even took the time to respond to all of that. I really puzzle sometimes why posters like dibblewubble and brighter washing come here to spew there blanket statements that basically come down to anyone in an affair clearly is a bad morally corrupt person on all levels who have no compassion or conscience. Does it ease their pain to feel morally superior to anyone who posts here looking for answers? Who knows. Its pretty clear to me you are a caring person who like many many others went outside your marriage to fill needs that weren't being met in your marriage and are dealing with the consequences of that. Affairs are painful for everyone involved but many people end up in this boat and its better to understand what got you there than all this endless judgement of ones basic character. I am sorry to see you are still struggling so much in your marriage. I do understand that you are trying to keep your marriage together for your daughter, but I do hope for you that if your marriage continues as it is, that at some point you give yourself the choice to be happy so that your daughter can have two happy parents even if they are not together. It doesnt sound like your wife is happy either, and though I do admire you both for giving it your best, its hard to see so many people who post here soldier on in such unhappy unions. I believe in reconciling when marriages truly can be restored but not when the same unhappy patterns persist. Curious for your thoughts on that. Do you really feel you can shift the intimacy issues in your marriage when they have been so longlasting? If not, is it a deal breaker for you or will you stay regardless? Sorry for the threadjack. Just tired of posters who post honest questions and are struggling for answers getting beat up.
thomasb Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 (edited) In some cases maybe. In other cases it's precisely the inability to honor your own needs and wishes which makes the WS stay married. He/she tends to always consider others' needs as more important than his/her own. I don't think Brighter is the one spewing here. Almost never are the WS putting someone elses needs ahead of their own. In fact it is the direct opposite. I will never understand how anyone could state THAT! Cheating is one of the most damaging things a person can do to their entire family. If they were truly putting others needs ahead of their own they would never cheat at all! And by the way, my wife did then and still does meet all my needs she can. The need was inside myself. And that was to not be morally corrupt any longer. I needed to grow up and not act like a me thinking teenager. And I did! Edited April 5, 2012 by thomasb
jayinblue Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 I am sorry to see you are still struggling so much in your marriage. I do understand that you are trying to keep your marriage together for your daughter, but I do hope for you that if your marriage continues as it is, that at some point you give yourself the choice to be happy so that your daughter can have two happy parents even if they are not together. It doesnt sound like your wife is happy either, and though I do admire you both for giving it your best, its hard to see so many people who post here soldier on in such unhappy unions. Hi Heart! Nice to hear from you too. Still struggling with that very question, but yes, just went to round 2 of couple's therapy and that was one of the big issues talked about today. I think both of us are struggling with the question of what to do next, but both appear to be resolved on the point of either ensuring we're going to be happy together or working out the details of us no longer being together. I believe in reconciling when marriages truly can be restored but not when the same unhappy patterns persist. Curious for your thoughts on that. Do you really feel you can shift the intimacy issues in your marriage when they have been so longlasting? If not, is it a deal breaker for you or will you stay regardless? I completely agree. From everything I've read and seen around here, if you can't fix the unhappy patterns that got you into the situation in the first place (and this includes not being willing to face your needs and issues head on - in my case, the fact I cheated at all), you have no marriage. One of the issues that went on the table today were the intimacy problems. I honestly have no clue if that's fixable or not, but I'm absolutely going to give it a try. I've thought alot about this, but if it ends up that we can't fix the intimacy problems (physical and emotional), then unfortunately, this marriage will be done. I won't put my wife in the position of having to be "intimate" if she isn't interested in it (frankly if she doesn't want it, I don't either), but I'm not willing to go for a 1 or 2 times per year kinda relationship again either. So yes, that is a deal breaker. Its not fair to me or her. Sorry for the threadjack. Just tired of posters who post honest questions and are struggling for answers getting beat up. I'm more guilty of the threadjacking than you are. Thanks for the support, I've always appreciated your thoughts too...
heartinlove Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Hi Heart! Nice to hear from you too. Still struggling with that very question, but yes, just went to round 2 of couple's therapy and that was one of the big issues talked about today. I think both of us are struggling with the question of what to do next, but both appear to be resolved on the point of either ensuring we're going to be happy together or working out the details of us no longer being together. I completely agree. From everything I've read and seen around here, if you can't fix the unhappy patterns that got you into the situation in the first place (and this includes not being willing to face your needs and issues head on - in my case, the fact I cheated at all), you have no marriage. One of the issues that went on the table today were the intimacy problems. I honestly have no clue if that's fixable or not, but I'm absolutely going to give it a try. I've thought alot about this, but if it ends up that we can't fix the intimacy problems (physical and emotional), then unfortunately, this marriage will be done. I won't put my wife in the position of having to be "intimate" if she isn't interested in it (frankly if she doesn't want it, I don't either), but I'm not willing to go for a 1 or 2 times per year kinda relationship again either. So yes, that is a deal breaker. Its not fair to me or her. I'm more guilty of the threadjacking than you are. Thanks for the support, I've always appreciated your thoughts too... So happy to hear that you are both in agreement to either truly fix your marriage or let go. Your lucky that both you and your wife see it that way, as it will make it easier for your daughter if you do split. Im also glad to hear that you need the intimacy to get fixed to stay and that you're not going to stay in a marriage with such little intimacy. I hope you do forgive yourself of choosing to have an affair, and that whether your marriage works out or not that you can travel either path free of everlasting guilt. Guilt is such a soul killer. We all make mistakes and all we can do is learn from them. And back to the original thread. Thank you Janey for posting such a realistic picture for anyone going NC. I thought that was very brave of you and honest. The reality is for many people affairs are about love and when they end it is like the person died, and at times its natural to grieve the loss of someone. For those posters who say that means your still in the affair or question whether that means you want your marriage, I really think its ridiculous. Your obviously very grateful to have your marriage and for your choice to end the affair. Thats why affairs are painful. Sometimes you lose people you truly did care about when you choose either the marriage or the affair partner. I know alot of BS want their spouses to all of a sudden dislike/hate whatever their affair partners and that would make them more comfortable with the whole thing, but for the most part, its not the case. People are drawn into affairs because they find a piece they are missing. Not justifying but calling it what it is. Not in all scenarios, but in a lot of them, I believe this is true. Most people are good. Its a painful reality. Thats why affairs are hard, because its guaranteed pain whatever direction you go for everyone and that doesn't easily completely go away even though it does get easier in time. People can actually love more than one person at a time for different reasons. Thanks for being honest about that Janey and good luck in your marriage.
heartinlove Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Just because you don't agree with other posters views doesn't mean they aren't allowed to share them. Many many people believe that those that have affairs have low morals, are abusing their spouse and find their behavior and actions disgusting. They are allowed to post their views as long as they stay within the community guidelines. You might think jay had an affair because his needs weren't being met, but that doesn't mean it is true. Maybe he had an affair because he was bored? Or maybe because he needed his ego stroked? Or maybe because he just wanted to. When someone has an affair, it isn't always because of their spouse. Why oh why do so many OW blame the betrayed spouse? Does it make you (general you) feel morally superior because you have sex with him and share this "bond" of cheating ?? We have a current ow posting on this thread who have been in an affair for over 6 years and there is no divorce in sight... She will make excuse after excuse for why the MM won't divorce, and she will hang on for many more years. That's her choice, just like it is the choice of a MM to cheat. A wife can't make him cheat. Seriously. Where did I say that. What a ridiculous comment. Oh please. I am also allowed to share my views and I did. You don't like them, too bad. I don't agree with people coming on here to tell people how low their morals are. Wasn't blaming any Bs. You just exhibited another one of my favorite traits of some posters on this board. Put motives into what I said that wasnt there. Not glorifying sharing anyones bed. Not blaming Bs for making him cheat. Just wishing their was more compassion for people sharing, which you have exhibited zero of. Try some therapy. Might help you develop some compassion.
thomasb Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 HF. Wise words indeed. I hope they don't fall on deaf ears.
wannabdone Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Happens all the time with divorce. Why can't it happen with an affair??? It can happen in both. And it does happen in both. But it doesn't mean it has to happen in either one. I think it all depends, as everything does, on the actual circumstances that surround it. Did they respect your wishes for NC? Did you really love them? There are times, that ppl stay in M for children, etc. that honestly loved the OW/OM. There is no real reason to hate or dispise them, they loved them deeply. But know because of certain things, can never be with them.
wannabdone Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I would bet the majority of divorces are not amicable nor are the parties still so in love with each other. Throw in a dead beat parent and that otherwise 'amicable' divorce has turned in an completely different direction! Usually divorces don't have NC; and can't have it when children are involved. I would guess many people married loving each other; but along the way, something changed. Cheating, drugs, abuse, gambling, etc all can wear on a person and end up ending a marriage. I know that the "kids" is the general excuse many MM use for staying married -- and I know many of the OW on here will tell me it really IS because of the kids and how these honorable dad's just can't live without them and unfortunately, those mean wives/mom's will withhold the kids from him if he were to leave, so darn it, he just can't leave! BUT, I know plenty of men who actually saw MORE of their kids with visitation - these men actually spent more quality time with them when it is his turn for visitation. And if these men didn't want to lose time with their kids, why are they having an affair in the first place? Isn't he spending time with the mistress that he could be spending with his kids? How are these men such great dads when according to OW on here, they are CONSTANTLY on the phone with the married dad, and texting and seeing him, etc. How much time does he actually spend with this kid? There was a former poster on here who claimed the MM saw her so much and was so invested with her kids and basically lived with her, yet 5+ years later, he still lives with his wife, his oldest is done with his school and he has grandkids. So explain to me how it is 'for the kids' that he is staying married??? its not for the kids - its for himself. I've worked with too many women who have been single parents due to the father being too 'busy' to bother with his kids. I have also worked with a couple of awesome dads who had custody of his kids because the mom checked out on the family. Wow. Quite a argument for such a simple statement. I agree that many times dad's and mom's can better parents and spend more quality time once they have visitation. It was really a blanket statement I made, knowing ppl that as I said have different situations, and stay because of kids, finances, religious beliefs, what have you. Maybe a child is sick, maybe there are multiple children and it is simply not possible, maybe it is finances, who knows the various reasons. But there are some ppl who truly loved someone else and made a decision to not go that road for those reasons. It does happen. Maybe not for the most part, but there are some. And yes, I agree most divorces do not end on a nice note. That is why I said, some do, some don't...but not all of them have to or do. I have known several ppl that D and quit fighting once they seperated, and actually got along better during the divorce and after then they ever did when they were M. They just didn't see the need to continue the fighting. I have also seen in the "not so nice" D's where ppl have gone NC even though they have children. (again varies by the circumstances) Again, it all depends on the situation for all of it. If someone has made a decision to stay in their M, for whatever reason it is, and the OW/OM respects that decision, and doesn't do anything more to push or to hurt, then there are some (not all) who do not hate the OW/OM. And there is no need to.
DepressedinDenver Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Janey, I know you are one of the VERY rare WS's that are doing everything they can to make it up to their BS. But I will say that the very statement you post above is one of the main reasons I advise that there is a better life out there for a BS. Why should a BS have to put up with a WS that pines for someone else? I agree and am so glad I left quick and didnt give my ex time to rope me back in because I for one could not deal with her always pining for some douche who just used her for an easy ride. I'm sure if Janeys husband knew how she was still having such a hard time it would add to his hurt. Poor settling dude.
heartinlove Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Cowards have affairs. Women who engage in affairs and play the games that are played in an affair get no sympathy from me when they are dumped on D Day or any other day. Thanks for so eloquently summing it up with that. That is my point. You have no compassion. Why post on this board? I actually do have compassion for the BS and have made that clear in my posts. This is my last comment on this discussion as it is fruitless. Glad its all so black and white for you Hockeyfan. Hope thats working for you in your life.
wannabdone Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I agree and am so glad I left quick and didnt give my ex time to rope me back in because I for one could not deal with her always pining for some douche who just used her for an easy ride. I'm sure if Janeys husband knew how she was still having such a hard time it would add to his hurt. Poor settling dude. I am sure it would add to his hurt. But, if you stay with someone who has had an A, you take the chance of them having to go through the emotions and pain of mourning the end of the R. That is if they weren't just doing it for a roll in the hay. Obviously, this is something that you knew you couldn't handle, so you seperated yourself from it.
spice4life Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) Well I'll take the bait and clarify then I think WH and xOW were bad, morally corrupt, without conscience people only when they were involved in an A, or in her case deliberately disrespecting NC. Not forever. Even this particularly awful OW is capable of redemption (at Easter is a good time to remember this) but they are bad while they're choosin to do bad things. Obviously. I'm trying to reconcile with H (despite the deep wounds which may end up door much) so obviously I don't think he I'd still a bad person. I do not think it's possible for a break up without breaking something which is why there has to be animosity of some kind otherwise there's no empathy with the BS- would you be neutral or find some fondness for a person who deliberately broke your Wife's arm? Or worse, got you to help her? So how can you have fond memories of someone who did much worse to her? If your BS doesn't mind then that's cool. I would be out the door if W H had not spontaneously woken up to xOW and that necessarily involves thinking ill of her. Your husband is a lucky man considering your circumstances. A man cheating on his wife while pregnant is pretty despicable. He should be kissing the ground you walk on everyday knowing that you are willing to forgive him. I have to admit, as forgiving a person as I am, that one would be extremely difficult. I find it odd though, that the OW is still in contact in your situation. Are you allowing it to monitor her movements? Some of your comments indicate that you are getting a kick out of knowing what she is saying. Why isn't she completely locked out of your marriage to enable you and your husband to focus on reconciliation? Are you 100% positive your husband isn't just giving you lip service? It just seems so odd that the OW would try to maintain contact knowing that you are reconciling. From what I've read about affairs (and I've read tons), that is a red flag that indicates something else. Sorry for the threadjack OP. Edited April 8, 2012 by spice4life 2
heartinlove Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Well I'll take the bait and clarify then I think WH and xOW were bad, morally corrupt, without conscience people only when they were involved in an A, or in her case deliberately disrespecting NC. Not forever. Even this particularly awful OW is capable of redemption (at Easter is a good time to remember this) but they are bad while they're choosin to do bad things. Obviously. I'm trying to reconcile with H (despite the deep wounds which may end up door much) so obviously I don't think he I'd still a bad person. I do not think it's possible for a break up without breaking something which is why there has to be animosity of some kind otherwise there's no empathy with the BS- would you be neutral or find some fondness for a person who deliberately broke your Wife's arm? Or worse, got you to help her? So how can you have fond memories of someone who did much worse to her? If your BS doesn't mind then that's cool. I would be out the door if W H had not spontaneously woken up to xOW and that necessarily involves thinking ill of her. Thanks for the response Brighter. What you said makes sense. I wish you the best. Ive read more about your situation. Sorry you have a crazy ow.
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