The refreshing truth

March 31, 2012

Hi everyone. I thought I'd share some thoughts and feelings I'm having after almost a year and half since I've seen xOM. I've been reading some posts lately from people who are 2 weeks NC or 1 month NC and all of the sudden see the light or feel much better. I'd like to say, from a realistic point of view, (someone mentioned this in a post recently but I can't find), the more emotionally attached to someone you were, the harder it will be to get over them and the longer you will grieve. I believe that because my life has gone on, my marriage is solid, I have a new job, new hobbies, I spend more time with my kids, and I wake up every morning thinking of my family and doing what's right for them. The sad reality though is I still grieve the loss xOM. I loved him, and that's what sucks about affairs. Sure you can get out of it and "move on" with you life, but if you loved and cared about someone, the hurt stays. It may leave a while but come back. Last year, in IC, I was told that it's not something that goes away little by little, it's something that comes and goes like a wave. At first it's a tidal wave, but it becomes like the little waves that just crash on the shore. I'm saying this because I don't want anyone to have false hopes about NC being a quick cure to grief. It's not. It's like with anyone who dies or is out of your life for good, you have to wait it out. The hard part sometimes is remaining selfless and continuing to do what is right. A part of you will tell you that you "need" to relieve the grief by just seeing this person one more time. Ignore that part of you. The only way to relieve grief is to stay away. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. I have a H who loves me more that I'd ever imagined. I hate living with heartache and grief over someone who didn't love me like that. People say you shouldn't have regrets. Right now, I do have regrets. I regret not getting help for my marriage before I started relying on another man for my needs. I regret giving my heart and soul to someone besides my H. There is no other place I want to be in my life that where I'm at now...with my family. I just hate that I have to live with heartache, even if it's not as raw as before. It's still an ache that I can't get used to. This is just a reality check for anyone who think an affair would be "fun" or just a quick fling, or a cure for boredom. It's pure hell, and it takes a long time to go away. The heart takes a long time to heal. You can change your thoughts and your actions, but your heart has to heal on its own time. The key is to keep doing what you know is right, even thought the pain. Don't get me wrong. I have so much joy in my life. The ache doesn't define me or engulf me. I am so much better off than before, but I don't like to sugercoat life. I think in order to really help someone, you have to be completely honest and transparent about your own experiences. That's why I wanted to post this.

March 31, 2012

By the way, I do know that my H has lived a hell too and his heart remains hurt. My post was for anyone with a hurting heart. I feel like so many people are misled when it comes to affairs. It's easy to put everyone into a category and give a time limit as to when you feel "normal" again. There is no normal. You have redefine normal. The heart has a "mind of its own" I like to say. Once the heart is involved, you might as well know the healing process is slow and painful.

March 31, 2012

Thank you for your honesty about your situation. Its true what you say. NC doesn't make the pain stop. The grieving for lost innocence takes a long time. I think this is so for many people. Those cheated on, the cheaters, even as a result of break ups. Once there is "love" involved many people get hurt.

March 31, 2012

Thanks so much for posting this. I'm having a difficult time trying to not obsess over my MM, and focus on rebuilding my own life. I'm in the midst of a separation, preparing for a D (note I did not leave for my MM).

We've been NC for a week, and although he knows I'm thinking about ending the A, it hasn't been explicitly said yet. I know he will reappear soon and I'm not sure if I will be able to resist being in contact with him, even if it's just email. I know I have to stop it. It just feels so bad right now. I like the wave analogy a lot - will try to keep this in my mind.

March 31, 2012

Great post! Thank you so much for that!

You are so right. I think everyone expects that since it was bad or not the right thing to do that the heart ache has to be less. Its not. For a lot of us in A's it was a very real love, it wasn't about just finding a side piece of fun.

I was told that it will take as long as you were in the relationship to completely grieve the loss of it. Which makes me about pass out, since I was in my A for 10 years.

I remember a poster on her last year, she was a BS, and she was the most amazing woman. She said she knew her husband felt love for his OW and she knew when he was sad and mourning and accepted it, and knew that it was part of the process. I know most of us could never do that, but I think times its even harder for ppl who are M, and are grieving the loss of the love, because so many times you have to put on the happy face. You don't get the option to lay in bed and cry.

Good for you Janey, your doing amazing!

March 31, 2012

Great post! Thank you so much for that!

You are so right. I think everyone expects that since it was bad or not the right thing to do that the heart ache has to be less. Its not. For a lot of us in A's it was a very real love, it wasn't about just finding a side piece of fun.

I was told that it will take as long as you were in the relationship to completely grieve the loss of it. Which makes me about pass out, since I was in my A for 10 years.

I remember a poster on her last year, she was a BS, and she was the most amazing woman. She said she knew her husband felt love for his OW and she knew when he was sad and mourning and accepted it, and knew that it was part of the process. I know most of us could never do that, but I think times its even harder for ppl who are M, and are grieving the loss of the love, because so many times you have to put on the happy face. You don't get the option to lay in bed and cry.

Good for you Janey, your doing amazing!

No, no, my dear - I've read that it's about a month per year is the expected time. Could go faster or slower, depends on the specifics, how much you do things to move on, like keeping busy, keeping positive attitude, thinking with your head, not your heart, ...

March 31, 2012

Hi Janie, nice update and I'm glad your life is full and busy!

Keep focussing upwards and never look down or backwards.

March 31, 2012

No, no, my dear - I've read that it's about a month per year is the expected time. Could go faster or slower, depends on the specifics, how much you do things to move on, like keeping busy, keeping positive attitude, thinking with your head, not your heart, ...

Well THANK GOD SP. Ten months seems a lot better than ten years. Whew.

March 31, 2012

I remember a poster on her last year, she was a BS, and she was the most amazing woman. She said she knew her husband felt love for his OW and she knew when he was sad and mourning and accepted it, and knew that it was part of the process. I know most of us could never do that, but I think times its even harder for ppl who are M, and are grieving the loss of the love, because so many times you have to put on the happy face. You don't get the option to lay in bed and cry.

Coincidentally, I was about to post my story as a fBS who encouraged her husband to mourn, when I came across the above quote. I don't know if you're referring to me, but I recall an exchange we had here ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/299885-hello-2.html#post3653447 ) about the details of it.

Anyway, as it relates to this thread topic, I just wanted to add that I'm glad I did that because it's the only way I can now be absolutely certain that she is out of his mind and heart. Three years later, he has concluded that it wasn't true love between them, though he knows there were strong feelings nonetheless. As we have talked about it, we think it's because it was such a short A (6 wks from the very first contact to the beginning of NC). She was also an old flame from long ago, so those feelings were bound to surface. She killed any last bit of fondness when she targeted me, after I had been very pleasant (another story... one that would totally t/j). Anyway, I think there are a lot of variables that come into play regarding how and how long it takes to fully recover; and that goes for any side of the triangle you happen to be.

Thank you for posting this Janey. It has honestly helped me to understand what the xOW is going through, the difference being you have made huge progress while she has not. But the wave analogy explains why there is silence in between WAVES and WAVES of venomous emails that show up like clockwork. If it hadn't been for all the wonderful people on LS, I probably would have reacted to her in a way that would have set her back even further. I know that her actions are coming from a place of extreme hurt and I genuinely pray for her healing. Life is too short to allow resentment to take root.

April 1, 2012

Coincidentally, I was about to post my story as a fBS who encouraged her husband to mourn, when I came across the above quote. I don't know if you're referring to me, but I recall an exchange we had here ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/299885-hello-2.html#post3653447 ) about the details of it.

Anyway, as it relates to this thread topic, I just wanted to add that I'm glad I did that because it's the only way I can now be absolutely certain that she is out of his mind and heart. Three years later, he has concluded that it wasn't true love between them, though he knows there were strong feelings nonetheless. As we have talked about it, we think it's because it was such a short A (6 wks from the very first contact to the beginning of NC). She was also an old flame from long ago, so those feelings were bound to surface. She killed any last bit of fondness when she targeted me, after I had been very pleasant (another story... one that would totally t/j). Anyway, I think there are a lot of variables that come into play regarding how and how long it takes to fully recover; and that goes for any side of the triangle you happen to be.

Thank you for posting this Janey. It has honestly helped me to understand what the xOW is going through, the difference being you have made huge progress while she has not. But the wave analogy explains why there is silence in between WAVES and WAVES of venomous emails that show up like clockwork. If it hadn't been for all the wonderful people on LS, I probably would have reacted to her in a way that would have set her back even further. I know that her actions are coming from a place of extreme hurt and I genuinely pray for her healing. Life is too short to allow resentment to take root.

Oh my goodness.... YES IT WAS YOU!!! I could not remember the posters name, however you touched my heart in a way that you will never know. I have prayed for you almost daily since I read that post.

YOU ARE ONE AMAZING WOMAN!!!

April 1, 2012

I'd like to say, from a realistic point of view, (someone mentioned this in a post recently but I can't find), the more emotionally attached to someone you were, the harder it will be to get over them and the longer you will grieve. I believe that because my life has gone on, my marriage is solid, I have a new job, new hobbies, I spend more time with my kids, and I wake up every morning thinking of my family and doing what's right for them. The sad reality though is I still grieve the loss xOM. I loved him, and that's what sucks about affairs. Sure you can get out of it and "move on" with you life, but if you loved and cared about someone, the hurt stays. It may leave a while but come back. Last year, in IC, I was told that it's not something that goes away little by little, it's something that comes and goes like a wave. At first it's a tidal wave, but it becomes like the little waves that just crash on the shore. I'm saying this because I don't want anyone to have false hopes about NC being a quick cure to grief. It's not. It's like with anyone who dies or is out of your life for good, you have to wait it out. The hard part sometimes is remaining selfless and continuing to do what is right. A part of you will tell you that you "need" to relieve the grief by just seeing this person one more time. Ignore that part of you. The only way to relieve grief is to stay away. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. I have a H who loves me more that I'd ever imagined. I hate living with heartache and grief over someone who didn't love me like that. People say you shouldn't have regrets. Right now, I do have regrets. I regret not getting help for my marriage before I started relying on another man for my needs. I regret giving my heart and soul to someone besides my H. There is no other place I want to be in my life that where I'm at now...with my family. I just hate that I have to live with heartache, even if it's not as raw as before. It's still an ache that I can't get used to. This is just a reality check for anyone who think an affair would be "fun" or just a quick fling, or a cure for boredom. It's pure hell, and it takes a long time to go away. The heart takes a long time to heal.

Hi Janey,

so glad you are doing well.

Thank you for your honesty. A lot of xMW would be in denial but you honestly expose the reality of your feelings.

I understand exactly what you mean. The hurt still stays ! It is like waves..There are days that you totally forget and other days when you have a trigger and than you think of that person like a person who is dead and you will never see again. I sometimes miss my xMW, not the affair but the person.

Keep on a busy and happy life Janey. All the best to you!

April 1, 2012

Hi everyone. I thought I'd share some thoughts and feelings I'm having after almost a year and half since I've seen xOM. I've been reading some posts lately from people who are 2 weeks NC or 1 month NC and all of the sudden see the light or feel much better. I'd like to say, from a realistic point of view, (someone mentioned this in a post recently but I can't find), the more emotionally attached to someone you were, the harder it will be to get over them and the longer you will grieve. I believe that because my life has gone on, my marriage is solid, I have a new job, new hobbies, I spend more time with my kids, and I wake up every morning thinking of my family and doing what's right for them. The sad reality though is I still grieve the loss xOM. I loved him, and that's what sucks about affairs. Sure you can get out of it and "move on" with you life, but if you loved and cared about someone, the hurt stays. It may leave a while but come back. Last year, in IC, I was told that it's not something that goes away little by little, it's something that comes and goes like a wave. At first it's a tidal wave, but it becomes like the little waves that just crash on the shore. I'm saying this because I don't want anyone to have false hopes about NC being a quick cure to grief. It's not. It's like with anyone who dies or is out of your life for good, you have to wait it out. The hard part sometimes is remaining selfless and continuing to do what is right. A part of you will tell you that you "need" to relieve the grief by just seeing this person one more time. Ignore that part of you. The only way to relieve grief is to stay away. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. I have a H who loves me more that I'd ever imagined. I hate living with heartache and grief over someone who didn't love me like that. People say you shouldn't have regrets. Right now, I do have regrets. I regret not getting help for my marriage before I started relying on another man for my needs. I regret giving my heart and soul to someone besides my H. There is no other place I want to be in my life that where I'm at now...with my family. I just hate that I have to live with heartache, even if it's not as raw as before. It's still an ache that I can't get used to. This is just a reality check for anyone who think an affair would be "fun" or just a quick fling, or a cure for boredom. It's pure hell, and it takes a long time to go away. The heart takes a long time to heal. You can change your thoughts and your actions, but your heart has to heal on its own time. The key is to keep doing what you know is right, even thought the pain. Don't get me wrong. I have so much joy in my life. The ache doesn't define me or engulf me. I am so much better off than before, but I don't like to sugercoat life. I think in order to really help someone, you have to be completely honest and transparent about your own experiences. That's why I wanted to post this.

Thanks for posting this Janey, it quite well summarizes many of the experiences I have had as well.

Be well and stay strong.

April 1, 2012

Whilst I too am troubled that Janey still has some feelings for the ex-OM, I also know from her previous posts that she is on the right path for reconciliation. She is putting in the hard work in her marriage.

As for the WS despising the exAP... well to me surely it is better to get to a stage of indifference about them. If you despise, that is still some form of emotional investment. Also if the WS has to despise the exAP then logic would say they have to despise themselves which is no basis for a healthy and happy future life.

April 1, 2012

Anne I think despising both is something they have to go through and then say they no longer despise themselves ecause they came out the other side.

I don't like indifference because it doesn't fit with how someone should feel about causing so much pain. It doesn't fit with regret. Disgust on the other hand does fit with having no emotional involvement. Disgust is not hate but it isn't indifference.

I agree that it is an emotion that may need to be worked through.

Indifference to the exAP does not mean no regret. The exOM means nothing to me. He is a work colleague and yes, I think he is a bit of a d*ck but not in a way where there is any emotion involved. As for regret about what I did? I definitely do regret my behaviours and the pain I caused my husband.

I actually think that feeling disgust for the exAP and not feeling disgust at yourself may mean that you are failing to accept responsibility for your own actions. I certainly felt disgust at myself but I have also worked through those emotions and have come through the other side. That is all part of the recovery from the affair - you have to stop punishing yourself and beating yourself up if you want to move on with your life. You have to look to the future and not be stuck in the past.

April 1, 2012

Anne I think despising both is something they have to go through and then say they no longer despise themselves ecause they came out the other side.

I don't like indifference because it doesn't fit with how someone should feel about causing so much pain. It doesn't fit with regret. Disgust on the other hand does fit with having no emotional involvement. Disgust is not hate but it isn't indifference.

I agree with Anne.

Just because you want your WH to hate his xOW doesn't mean it has to be a generality.

If a MP feel disgust for the AP, that equals feeling disgust for himself. No one put a gun on his head to be involved with the AP. An A is not a forced relationship. It takes two people to have an A and both are responsible for their actions.

Having a double standard, which is to feel disgust for AP and not yourself is blame shifting, it is putting all the blame and responsibility to the other person. How can you feel disgust for someone you hugged, kissed, sometimes slept with, shared concerns, laughs, etc etc..for days, months, sometimes years ? Is it wrong ? Definitely YES, but that doesn't make the other person disgusting.

April 1, 2012

I felt disgust at BOTH of their actions!

But I don't expect H to be disgusted with the XOW personally because he did the same as her.

As a remorseful spouse, I do expect him to now realize how wrong both of their actions were, and to regret ever being unfaithful in the first place.

April 1, 2012

I felt disgust at BOTH of their actions!

But I don't expect H to be disgusted with the XOW personally because he did the same as her.

As a remorseful spouse, I do expect him to now realize how wrong both of their actions were, and to regret ever being unfaithful in the first place.

That seems to be the key, and a aspect that is forgotten. Seems like at times there is too much "disgust" for OW/OM, and not focusing on the real problem is that the person that vowed to love and honor you in front of God and friends was unfaithful. Regret does not always equal disgust. Sometimes you can regret what you have done, and not have to hate people. To me, (IMO) that throws a red flag of someone is blame shifting. I've been there, done it. And until I got to the point where I realized it was not about the other person and what they had done, etc. and was about ME and what I had done... that was the point where I truly was regretful for MY actions.

BW... I know you have a struggle with the OW in your life. You have much hatred and disgust for this woman. I understand your feelings. Just remember, as awful as she was, trying to destroy your M, your WS was just as awful in destroying her M.

April 2, 2012

BW,

Why has her H not been told?

As for as the injustice of the whole affair: For the BW, it will always be there, as you can't undo what happened.

You have to go forward and make your life what you want it.

All of my H's OW(3) were all young, single, and childless at that time. They were all in it for sh** and giggles because they wanted some wild fun. Reminds me of Laura's post here!!

Many years have passed by, they might all be now married with H's they love, children, homes, cars, etc.

I hope they all have grown and matured, and now understand the seriousness of all their actions many years ago.

But for me to hold on to all the resentments of the unfairness of it all, will do nothing but harm me, my happiness, and my future.

I know you are a recent BW and your healing will come in stages! I wish you the best as you try to reconcile your marriage!

April 2, 2012

The sad reality though is I still grieve the loss xOM. I loved him, and that's what sucks about affairs. Sure you can get out of it and "move on" with you life, but if you loved and cared about someone, the hurt stays. It may leave a while but come back. Last year, in IC, I was told that it's not something that goes away little by little, it's something that comes and goes like a wave. At first it's a tidal wave, but it becomes like the little waves that just crash on the shore. I'm saying this because I don't want anyone to have false hopes about NC being a quick cure to grief. It's not. It's like with anyone who dies or is out of your life for good, you have to wait it out. The hard part sometimes is remaining selfless and continuing to do what is right. A part of you will tell you that you "need" to relieve the grief by just seeing this person one more time. Ignore that part of you. The only way to relieve grief is to stay away. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. I have a H who loves me more that I'd ever imagined. I hate living with heartache and grief over someone who didn't love me like that. People say you shouldn't have regrets. Right now, I do have regrets. I regret not getting help for my marriage before I started relying on another man for my needs. I regret giving my heart and soul to someone besides my H. There is no other place I want to be in my life that where I'm at now...with my family. I just hate that I have to live with heartache, even if it's not as raw as before. It's still an ache that I can't get used to. This is just a reality check for anyone who think an affair would be "fun" or just a quick fling, or a cure for boredom. It's pure hell, and it takes a long time to go away. The heart takes a long time to heal. You can change your thoughts and your actions, but your heart has to heal on its own time. The key is to keep doing what you know is right, even thought the pain. Don't get me wrong. I have so much joy in my life. The ache doesn't define me or engulf me. I am so much better off than before, but I don't like to sugercoat life. I think in order to really help someone, you have to be completely honest and transparent about your own experiences. That's why I wanted to post this.

Hi Janey,

Thanks for posting this. I feel like you and I walked similar paths, because I read your posts too and went through an eerily similar experience, pretty much the same timeframe. I went NC with affair partner, and have tried to reestablish my relationship with my spouse. After some time to process things, I have come to the same conclusion as you have. Affairs are wrong not just because of the harm you cause others, but because of the harm you'll inflict on yourself emotionally by developing feelings for and an attachment to someone that is not good for you either emotionally or circumstantially. I have many regrets for my affair too, and I've been trying for the better part of a year and a half to put this stuff behind me. I too have found the value of family and know now what's at stake.

Unfortunately, I don't have the easy answers either. Sometimes I am concerned that I am still "unavailable" to my spouse emotionally because I'm still a little chewed up about the whole situation. Sometimes I worry that by sharing any feelings about the situation with my spouse that I'll just hurt her feelings again and just make her miserable - which depresses me given what I put her through. I think this might be the "selfless" comment you make reference to - but I am worried that this contains a bit of a trap. Unless you feel like you are making the choice for your "self" - you're just laying the groundwork for heartbreak later because you can't have a relationship without your "self" into it.

I have to admit, I have trouble believing the posts where someone reaches the point where they "despise" their affair partners. If you indeed shared something with someone, and you aren't emotionally made of stone, how can you go from having feelings for someone - to hating / despising them. I'm even leery of the ones who say that they had "no" feelings about their affair partner, unless it was just a "sex" thing - which unfortunately mine was not.

I did have an interesting conversation with a friend of mine which gave me something to think about - and maybe its worth chewing over for you too. When I described the situation to him, his response was maybe because you try to be such a "good guy," all the time that the love was a justification, and not something you truly felt. I've been chewing this one over for a while and don't yet to know what to make of it.

Going to try round 2 of couple's therapy to see if this improves anything. I feel like I keep waiting for the "ah ha" moment when the past two years will suddenly make sense and everything will be clear to me. I haven't had this moment yet, but maybe there is someone on this board who has. I'd really enjoy reading it if so.

Thanks again Janey for sharing your thoughts.

April 3, 2012

Hi Janey,

Thanks for posting this. I feel like you and I walked similar paths, because I read your posts too and went through an eerily similar experience, pretty much the same timeframe. I went NC with affair partner, and have tried to reestablish my relationship with my spouse. After some time to process things, I have come to the same conclusion as you have. Affairs are wrong not just because of the harm you cause others, but because of the harm you'll inflict on yourself emotionally by developing feelings for and an attachment to someone that is not good for you either emotionally or circumstantially. I have many regrets for my affair too, and I've been trying for the better part of a year and a half to put this stuff behind me. I too have found the value of family and know now what's at stake.

Unfortunately, I don't have the easy answers either. Sometimes I am concerned that I am still "unavailable" to my spouse emotionally because I'm still a little chewed up about the whole situation. Sometimes I worry that by sharing any feelings about the situation with my spouse that I'll just hurt her feelings again and just make her miserable - which depresses me given what I put her through. I think this might be the "selfless" comment you make reference to - but I am worried that this contains a bit of a trap. Unless you feel like you are making the choice for your "self" - you're just laying the groundwork for heartbreak later because you can't have a relationship without your "self" into it.

I have to admit, I have trouble believing the posts where someone reaches the point where they "despise" their affair partners. If you indeed shared something with someone, and you aren't emotionally made of stone, how can you go from having feelings for someone - to hating / despising them. I'm even leery of the ones who say that they had "no" feelings about their affair partner, unless it was just a "sex" thing - which unfortunately mine was not.

I did have an interesting conversation with a friend of mine which gave me something to think about - and maybe its worth chewing over for you too. When I described the situation to him, his response was maybe because you try to be such a "good guy," all the time that the love was a justification, and not something you truly felt. I've been chewing this one over for a while and don't yet to know what to make of it.

Going to try round 2 of couple's therapy to see if this improves anything. I feel like I keep waiting for the "ah ha" moment when the past two years will suddenly make sense and everything will be clear to me. I haven't had this moment yet, but maybe there is someone on this board who has. I'd really enjoy reading it if so.

Thanks again Janey for sharing your thoughts.

The bolded I find strange. Isn't that what most WS do when they decide that the BS has done so many things wrong they have to cheat? And from my own point of view, for a while it was quite easy to go from loving Mr. Messy to hating his guts. When I found out all the things he and OW planned for me, my children, and her BS....disbelief was quickly followed by anger and hate. It motivated me to move with decisiveness and conviction. Not only was I made of flesh and bone instead of stone(ohhh, I made a rhymie:bunny:) his actions damn near cost me my life.

So why is it hard to believe that the WS would despise their AP at some point. Especially if they are remorseful and grow to despise their own actions? What about those cases where the AP is completely buggers and doesn't know when to fade into black? Should the WS continue to hold the person in high esteem? And I guess my final question would be what makes the AP different than the BS when it comes to despising the object of dissonance.

April 3, 2012

The bolded I find strange. Isn't that what most WS do when they decide that the BS has done so many things wrong they have to cheat? And from my own point of view, for a while it was quite easy to go from loving Mr. Messy to hating his guts. When I found out all the things he and OW planned for me, my children, and her BS....disbelief was quickly followed by anger and hate. It motivated me to move with decisiveness and conviction. Not only was I made of flesh and bone instead of stone(ohhh, I made a rhymie:bunny:) his actions damn near cost me my life.

So why is it hard to believe that the WS would despise their AP at some point. Especially if they are remorseful and grow to despise their own actions? What about those cases where the AP is completely buggers and doesn't know when to fade into black? Should the WS continue to hold the person in high esteem? And I guess my final question would be what makes the AP different than the BS when it comes to despising the object of dissonance.

I guess it is all in the way that ppl conduct themelves after. If you have someone who has decided to work on their M and not leave, leave them alone. Don't bug them. If you REALLY love someone, you want them to be happy and to have what they need. Remembering that love is not selfish, and love doesn't always mean you get what you want. Quite the contrary. I always loved and respected my xMM's wishes after dday. I didn't continue to call him, etc. Sure it hurt like heck, but that was his choice he made. Where I was stupid was ever answering his call or email after.

April 3, 2012

The sad reality though is I still grieve the loss xOM. I loved him, and that's what sucks about affairs. Sure you can get out of it and "move on" with you life, but if you loved and cared about someone, the hurt stays.

Janey, I know you are one of the VERY rare WS's that are doing everything they can to make it up to their BS.

But I will say that the very statement you post above is one of the main reasons I advise that there is a better life out there for a BS.

Why should a BS have to put up with a WS that pines for someone else?

April 3, 2012

I can only say what my H says to me, his family etc: that when he deeply realized the pain they has caused how could he not despise both of them? But his path to redemption was choosing a different path which she didn't. When he didn't really get it he didn't despise her. He had to really get it.

Maybe you don't really truly deeply get it. Otherwise you'd judge them (and yourself) more. You're still seeing "love" as a justification for it IMHO.

It is a good thought, and one I'm still chewing over myself. I'm disappointed in myself, sure, I'm disappointed in harming my wife, sure, but I suppose I have a difficult time "judging" my affair partner, since in my view, what I did was worse.

Bentnotbroken:

I guess it depends on your perspective. I didn't despise my wife. Resentful maybe, unhappy with, certainly, but despise? No, not ever. Even now, and frankly no matter what else happens, short of trying to take my daughter away or something, I wouldn't despise my wife.

Nofool4U:

I struggle with that very thought, all of the time. Why would my wife want to figure things out with me as its pretty clear we had some significant missed connection for this situation to unfold the way it did. Better question, am I doing her (and me) a disservice by hanging around and even trying to work on it at all? But then again, when you factor in a young kid, that in my mind is a significant game changer. I'm fairly certain its the only reason why my wife's even trying to attempt to work though this problem, and being real, its one of my main motivators too. If Janey has kids, I suspect this too would also play a role in the situation.

Tough questions these all are...

April 3, 2012

Jayinblue

What outcome, in regards to your M, do you want?

...and maybe start a new thread

April 3, 2012

Janey, I know you are one of the VERY rare WS's that are doing everything they can to make it up to their BS.

But I will say that the very statement you post above is one of the main reasons I advise that there is a better life out there for a BS.
Why should a BS have to put up with a WS that pines for someone else?

Personally, I would NEVER take back a cheater, BUT

what both spouses decide for their M is no one else's business.

Janey decided to stay. Her H decided to stay too. He is a big boy, if he is ok with forgiving and working on his marriage, it is HIS CHOICE.

As long as their choice doesn't harm anyone, why would someone care what they do with their M ?

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