Thought to share: "In love with a married Woman"

[East7]

I thought to share this Blog. I love the answer even if I find it too much tolerant and the poster naive but oh well I have been there somehow

 

" Dear XXX, Three years ago a met a girl at work who was engaged to be married. Slowly our friendship matured and got closer. A year ago I realized I was in love with her but she was now married.

 

Very quickly she realized that I had feelings for her. We talked about life, marriages and my feelings for her. I know she is in love too. She hasn't told me anything but I know it. Otherwise she would have cut me out of this situation ages ago.

 

Her marriage isn't going well. The flame in their relationship is gone. Her sex life has become a chore, she dreads having to perform her marital "duty".

 

She tried to rekindle her relationship with her H but it didn't work. She is exhausted and on the verge of depression. I feel awful because I contribute to her burden. She doesn't want to initiate a husband and cause pain to her husband. I'm afraid she will keeping an dissatisfying life to keep everyone else happy.

 

I really really love her. I'd bury my feelings if I can see that she is happy with her life. But she is not and I am sure to be the guy who can change her life and give her all she's missing. I don't want her to suffer. How do I handle this ? "

 

What struck me most about your letter isn’t that you’re in love with an unavailable woman, but that it was mostly about HER. It’s all about HER life, HER marriage,HER decisions,HER guilt and HER unhappiness. Even when you tried to express your own feelings it’s all about how much you’re hurting because you’re hurting HER.

 

It’s funny because in the un-edited version of your letter, you mentioned that she suffers from the ‘martyr’ syndrome; she'd rather hurt herself (by not making a decision) than hurt anyone else (by making a decision).

 

As a fluent speaker of ‘martyrdom’, I can tell you with much authority (and love+ compassion), so do you.

 

You want to save her from herself and her unhappy marriage. But you're doing it by sacrificing your own happiness. In fact, part of me thinks that your feelings for her are magnified because you've cast yourself in the role of her savior; her knight. But to paraphrase Taylor Swift: she's not a princess and this isn't a fairytale.

 

I know, I know... Its super romantic to love someone who needs saving. And in a world where men often feel castrated by women's independent role, loving a woman that you think needs you makes you feel more like a real man.

 

But what the fairytales failed to show is that the knight also has needs; the knight also needs saving. The fairytales got it wrong. No-one is going to save us, we save ourselves.

 

That is the hardest realization to come to terms with and in the absence of that, you're both stuck.

 

You’re stuck believing that somehow your love will make her life all better. It is noble and beautiful, but unfortunately, it's not that simple. She's stuck between two men that need her. It is safe there for her; not acting.

 

You're all waiting, waiting, waiting for something to change. You're waiting for her. She's waiting for someone else to come in and make her choices for her. And because no-one is acting you're stuck; stuck in an emotional affair that itself is stuck.

 

It's like your heart is in a committed long-distance relationship; but with no guarantee that your heart and her heart will ever be living in the same place. So now, you're not only her knight, but you're also her confidante, her therapist, her escape and in some ways even her burden.

 

Where does that leave you? What options do you have? How DO you handle this?

 

For the first time in a long time, I'm undecided. The romantic in me wants you to stick it out because you never know. Maybe, she is your princess. Sometimes we do marry the wrong person and maybe the two of you are meant to be together.

 

The realistic cynic in me disagrees with that and wants you to stop living in a fairytale, somehow erase your feelings and find someone who is available and will scream I love you too from rooftops for everyone to hear.

 

So, I'm going to let those two reach a compromise. Here it is: Give it another three months. If nothing changes, if everything is still the same, if you're still stuck in the same place, move on.

 

As hard as it is to do, as much as you love her, love yourself too, save yourself, and move on.

 

From a recovered "martyr".

 

x E..

[wannabdone]

Its so interesting how ppl who are highly educated, intellegent ppl (myself included) can fall into this.

 

I was told, and believed and thought of him as a good person that he was staying because he was the type of guy who would put aside his own happiness, for his children to be happy. Isn't that a wonderful man? He will continue to have an A for 10 years of his 20 year M, but he will never make a decision one way or another, because he is such a good dad. bahahahahahahaha. All I have to say is what the ---- was I thinking?????!!!!!!!

 

Someone who is "not wanting to hurt ppl" are FOS. And the ppl who are believeing this.... well....

[MissBee]

The interesting aspect is when someone discusses how the person's marriage or life is so horrible....and they list all the person's problems and so on...and I always wonder, WHY would you want to date them? Really???!! Why would you want to start a relationship atop the rubble of all that is going WRONG in their life???? But I guess that is the whole rescuer/martyr syndrome.

 

But so many times on LS and in real life you hear someone talking about this other person they are inlove with or obsessed with and most of their love story is juxtaposed against some tapestry of the person's problems and drama....I don't get the appeal of that. I suppose different things tick for different people, depending on your personality and/or underlying issues. The woe is me aspect doesn't work for me. If I feel sorry for a man, it doesn't make me want to date him.

 

But I hear OW discuss how he is scared of his wife, his wife is abusing him, he has split self, he is this that and the other messed up and they are starry-eyed over it and I don't get it as my gut reaction is to run away and I don't get turned on by thinking about some man cowering from his wife or whatever else is wrong.

 

I have been an OW but in my case he didn't pull the pity card or discuss his so-called problems or anything. He seemed pretty well-adjusted in life and maintained the stance that nothing was wrong, he didn't discuss his gf or any problems, he had the position that he didn't mean to fall inlove with me, but he did and he loves me and his gf too. It was still wrong of course, but the point was that the A wasn't fueled or built around me feeling bad for him or comparing myself to his horrible gf who is ruining his life or any of that kind of his-life-sucks-now- and-he-is-only-living-on-autopilot-but-if-he-is-with-me-it-will-be-better sentiment. I suppose for me, had he tried to blame her or discuss all his problems and weave that kind of train-wreck-but-if you're-here-it-will-be-better story I'd not have gotten into the A as I would have been turned off completely.

Edited March 31, 2012 by MissBee

[wannabdone]

The interesting aspect is when someone discusses how the person's marriage or life is so horrible....and they list all the person's problems and so on...and I always wonder, WHY would you want to date them? Really???!! Why would you want to start a relationship atop the rubble of all that is going WRONG in their life???? But I guess that is the whole rescuer/martyr syndrome.

 

But so many times on LS and in real life you hear someone talking about this other person they are inlove with or obsessed with and most of their love story is juxtaposed against some tapestry of the person's problems and drama....I don't get the appeal of that. I suppose different things tick for different people, depending on your personality and/or underlying issues. The woe is me aspect doesn't work for me. If I feel sorry for a man, it doesn't make me want to date him.

 

But I hear OW discuss how he is scared of his wife, his wife is abusing him, he has split self, he is this that and the other messed up and they are starry-eyed over it and I don't get it as my gut reaction is to run away and I don't get turned on by thinking about some man cowering from his wife or whatever else is wrong.

 

I have been an OW but in my case he didn't pull the pity card or discuss his so-called problems or anything. He seemed pretty well-adjusted in life and maintained the stance that nothing was wrong, he didn't discuss his gf or any problems, he had the position that he didn't mean to fall inlove with me, but he did and he loves me and his gf too. It was still wrong of course, but the point was that the A wasn't fueled or built around me feeling bad for him or comparing myself to his horrible gf who is ruining his life or any of that kind of his-life-sucks-now- and-he-is-only-living-on-autopilot-but-if-he-is-with-me-it-will-be-better sentiment. I suppose for me, had he tried to blame her or discuss all his problems and weave that kind of train-wreck-but-if you're-here-it-will-be-better story I'd not have gotten into the A as I would have been turned off completely.

 

 

With my case, the xMM did not come across at first like this at all. He seemed strong, and driven, etc. Then after a while (basically once I had fallen for him), these things started to come out.

 

With my back ground, it was like the "perfect storm" raised by a NPD mother, and a socipathic father (not raised by him, he left when I was young), I did not realize the under lying issues I had not dealt with, and how I was programmed to be the caregiver. I wanted to help this poor, helpless man, who was trapped like a prisoner (his own words). We went along like that for a long time, but it became more and more. To the point that I was sick of hearing his problems and was getting to the point where I was saying "get over it, build a bridge, we all have issues".

 

Now I get sick about all the crap he would say. And think about how exhausting he was. a true emotional vampire. BLAH.

[East7]

The interesting aspect is when someone discusses how the person's marriage or life is so horrible....and they list all the person's problems and so on...and I always wonder, WHY would you want to date them? Really???!! Why would you want to start a relationship atop the rubble of all that is going WRONG in their life???? But I guess that is the whole rescuer/martyr syndrome.

 

But so many times on LS and in real life you hear someone talking about this other person they are inlove with or obsessed with and most of their love story is juxtaposed against some tapestry of the person's problems and drama....I don't get the appeal of that.

 

The rescuer/knight syndrome is something that is present very often in affairs. Married partners complaining about their life etc is avery common pattern. My xMW was a drama Queen when it come to talk about her life and I was a good listener. The way she used to vent wasn't boring itself as I used to put it on a humorous note about "how miserable" she could be

 

Fortunately we had much more than just me listening to her problems but some affairs are mainly characterized of this syndrome : OW/OM takes the place of a therapist and a good listener and that creates a LOT of connection. That's how you have a fertile ground to affairs.

 

Suppose you meet a complete stranger, you tell him all your deepest secrets and he tells you his secrets...In a couple of days/weeks you will feel like you never were connected to someone this way ! Put some flirting and mutual compliments. Then add some unhappy marriage, need for escape and validation in the background and you get the recipe of a perfect "affair" cocktail.

Edited April 1, 2012 by East7