dream2nite Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I'm a little confused about an ex with almost 11 yrs. history of on again and off again relationship, where I ended it in the end. There has always been a deep connection and a deep love but so much got in the way for me. First he was married, I wasn't and waited 3 yrs. I moved on and he divorced (alot for me) and then i was not free. It was hard for me to leave easily at that time for 3 yrs. on and off. Now after i chose to marry the other person and hurt him deeply, he ended up marrying (pretty sure on rebound.) We do still love each other but he has alot of resentment still because I hurt him so much. My true feelings and hope would be that we would someday end up together and I had given up and tried to move on. I'm still with the person I married and divorced after 10 months. ( I know, sounds surreal.) I'm trying to move on and get my ducks in a row to get my own place, so I can finally be free to move on. After 3 months he started texting me again and we've talked a few times and he has said he would and could divorce, but he still holds alot of hurt feelings and distrust for me. If thats the case why would he still want contact with me and reach out to me?
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I'm a little confused about an ex with almost 11 yrs. history of on again and off again relationship, where I ended it in the end. There has always been a deep connection and a deep love but so much got in the way for me. First he was married, I wasn't and waited 3 yrs. I moved on and he divorced (alot for me) and then i was not free. It was hard for me to leave easily at that time for 3 yrs. on and off. Now after i chose to marry the other person and hurt him deeply, he ended up marrying (pretty sure on rebound.) We do still love each other but he has alot of resentment still because I hurt him so much. My true feelings and hope would be that we would someday end up together and I had given up and tried to move on. I'm still with the person I married and divorced after 10 months. ( I know, sounds surreal.) I'm trying to move on and get my ducks in a row to get my own place, so I can finally be free to move on. After 3 months he started texting me again and we've talked a few times and he has said he would and could divorce, but he still holds alot of hurt feelings and distrust for me. If thats the case why would he still want contact with me and reach out to me? He's not one to value the institution of marriage. Forget this loser. 2
sweetheart5381 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I'm a little confused about an ex with almost 11 yrs. history of on again and off again relationship, where I ended it in the end. There has always been a deep connection and a deep love but so much got in the way for me. First he was married, I wasn't and waited 3 yrs. I moved on and he divorced (alot for me) and then i was not free. It was hard for me to leave easily at that time for 3 yrs. on and off. Now after i chose to marry the other person and hurt him deeply, he ended up marrying (pretty sure on rebound.) We do still love each other but he has alot of resentment still because I hurt him so much. My true feelings and hope would be that we would someday end up together and I had given up and tried to move on. I'm still with the person I married and divorced after 10 months. ( I know, sounds surreal.) I'm trying to move on and get my ducks in a row to get my own place, so I can finally be free to move on. After 3 months he started texting me again and we've talked a few times and he has said he would and could divorce, but he still holds alot of hurt feelings and distrust for me. If thats the case why would he still want contact with me and reach out to me? If he "could and would divorce for you", then he has no respect for commitment and therefore is not worth your time. He will do the same to you in time and hand you a serious heartbreak. Forget him., he's stringing you along. My suggestion is to get a cat, they are far more "committed" than this sort of person. Funny, they like strings too 7
wilsonx Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I'm a little confused about an ex with almost 11 yrs. history of on again and off again relationship, where I ended it in the end. There has always been a deep connection and a deep love but so much got in the way for me. First he was married, I wasn't and waited 3 yrs. I moved on and he divorced (alot for me) and then i was not free. It was hard for me to leave easily at that time for 3 yrs. on and off. Now after i chose to marry the other person and hurt him deeply, he ended up marrying (pretty sure on rebound.) We do still love each other but he has alot of resentment still because I hurt him so much. My true feelings and hope would be that we would someday end up together and I had given up and tried to move on. I'm still with the person I married and divorced after 10 months. ( I know, sounds surreal.) I'm trying to move on and get my ducks in a row to get my own place, so I can finally be free to move on. After 3 months he started texting me again and we've talked a few times and he has said he would and could divorce, but he still holds alot of hurt feelings and distrust for me. If thats the case why would he still want contact with me and reach out to me? Ouch, I understand your story and what both of you are going through. He still loves you is the reason he keeps reaching out. Why don't you two "kids" talk to each other and get your ducks in a row!
january2011 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Let it go and stop getting in the way of each other's happiness. You've tried to make a go of it and it didn't work out. It's unfair to the people that you are with to hold onto your hopes to be with each other. 2
jennisfora Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 some people want what they can't have, or are obsessed with the path not taken. Life is too short to waste on such things, but some people just can't get past the what if's. I am afraid that if he got divorced for you, and then was with you, he would wonder about what if he had stayed in his marriage, or he may meet someone else down the line and have the urge to find out where that path leads. If i were you, and i know i am not, i would not encourage this. that's alot of years of history, and i understand a reluctance to let this person go. but i would be friends only, not romantic with this guy. if you must keep in touch.
immitable Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 If he "could and would divorce for you", then he has no respect for commitment and therefore is not worth your time. He will do the same to you in time and hand you a serious heartbreak. Forget him., he's stringing you along. My suggestion is to get a cat, they are far more "committed" than this sort of person. Funny, they like strings too Someone is very bitter and doesn't understand men. Imo he loves her and would divorce the woman he married out of spite to be with her. Otherwise e wouldn't be reaching out to her. 1
wilsonx Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Someone is very bitter and doesn't understand men. Imo he loves her and would divorce the woman he married out of spite to be with her. Otherwise e wouldn't be reaching out to her. Agreed!!!!!
sweetheart5381 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Someone is very bitter and doesn't understand men. Imo he loves her and would divorce the woman he married out of spite to be with her. Otherwise e wouldn't be reaching out to her. I personally don't see myself as a bitter person, rather a logical person. Past and current behaviour (like straying from a currently committed marriage for a past relationship that did not work) is the best predictor of future behaviour. Why would any person want to be with someone that would break the vows of marriage to another? This is not a display of love, it has nothing to do with love. True unconditional love is not selfish. This man is quite selfish and demonstrates a serious lack of respect for both his current wife and his past love. 3
wilsonx Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I personally don't see myself as a bitter person, rather a logical person. Past and current behaviour (like straying from a currently committed marriage for a past relationship that did not work) is the best predictor of future behaviour. Why would any person want to be with someone that would break the vows of marriage to another? This is not a display of love, it has nothing to do with love. True unconditional love is not selfish. This man is quite selfish and demonstrates a serious lack of respect for both his current wife and his past love. You are looking at this from a logical point of view. There's also the emotional point of view. Vows of marriage are just that vows, they dont have to do anything with love. People settle all the time to people they are not in love with or never would be. Look at the divorce rate? You are correct about true unconditional love it is not selfish. He loves his ex unconditionally. Not his current wife. Respect is what a guy needs. The woman he loved unconditionally disrespected him so he lashed out of spite. Happens all the time. His current wife is an unfortunate pawn in the game of love. Love and Relationships are NOT Black and White, something people on these forums need to learn and understand, there are so many different options and angles then the "Social Norm"
sweetheart5381 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 You are looking at this from a logical point of view. There's also the emotional point of view. Vows of marriage are just that vows, they dont have to do anything with love. People settle all the time to people they are not in love with or never would be. Look at the divorce rate? You are correct about true unconditional love it is not selfish. He loves his ex unconditionally. Not his current wife. Respect is what a guy needs. The woman he loved unconditionally disrespected him so he lashed out of spite. Happens all the time. His current wife is an unfortunate pawn in the game of love. Love and Relationships are NOT Black and White, something people on these forums need to learn and understand, there are so many different options and angles then the "Social Norm" I can understand what you are saying about the emotional point of view. I also agree that there is no black and white anywhere in life, all shades of gray. Imo, "vows" are your words, the only thing anyone really has to establish their credibility as a person. The vows are to yourself as much as the other. Taking "vows" show that you love yourself enough to be true to them. If you say it you better mean it for your own sake. Breaking vows to be with another says to me that this person doesn't trust/love themself to stay good to their word so why should anyone else? "Settling" is a serious injustice to both myself another person imo. It is harmful and disrespectful. While it looks on the outside as though the one who "settles" for the other is being kind and courteous, it truly is a sign that that person is so selfish and dishonest that they would take another's love and leave them empty-handed. Bottom line, we are all accountable to ourselves first and foremost. Values seem to be lost these days and it's a shame. I know I could not look in the mirror and face myself after taking another person's love so deceptively. I would have no respect for myself so why should anyone else?
Author dream2nite Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) I had a long comment that I had previously typed out, but for some reason it didn't seem to post (I hate when that happens.) Anyway, I now know why I like this site, there are actually real people out there with real replies. I agree with alot of what was commented in response to my situation. The institution of marriage should be with the intent of spending the rest of your lives with the person, but unfortunately life doesn't always happen that way. You can be who you are, know who you are, and THINK you wouldn't do what you say you never would, but you NEVER know what life might bring your way to completley change things. Thank goodness for the people that God puts before us to make us feel like we're okay and just trying to do our best to survive in a world that can be rather difficult sometimes. I have made some bad choices because of LOGICAL thinking. But in the end, I realized that I would rather be with a person I love from deep within my heart and vice versa (hopefully that will change) then to have made choices because of stability in a world where it matters what people think of us. Yes, I was weak and paid attention to that more than what I should've, but I'm realizing that now and I would rather be poor, struggling but IN LOVE than stable financially, safe, good credit etc. and lonely. And the other women (wife) knew perfectely well the situation she was getting into. He had dropped her twice because of me and she knew he was still hurting deeply from me. She plopped herself right into the middle of it all, so it's not always so innocent as it may seem. She had told him to drop me and marry her from the beginning, like only weeks of knowing him. Yes she may be his wife and a hell of a good person, but not handicapped or ignorant of choosing to be with someone who was emotionally not done with someone else with years of history. Only time will tell what happens, but as for me, I would hope that we could both turn things around and I would never look back. My only choice now is to look forward and deal with life as it is, but my heart knows where it wants to be. Thanks for replies, very helpful to me!! Edited April 2, 2012 by dream2nite
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