Million.to.1 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I don't know how many of you have ever really overcome a serious addiction to something... Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes maybe... But it got me thinking.... N/C is like deciding to quit something you are addicted to. Using N/C (cold turkey) can make you feel in control, you are using will power to overcome a desire, and you are consciously starving your addiction to a person or a relationship the same way you starve a physical craving. There maybe slip-ups.. you may fall off the N/C wagon so to speak...We all know those who are always giving in to their addictions...finding justifications to make it ok.... to keep going back to what they know is bad for them.... But over time, your mind takes over from the compulsive desire, you think about it less... and when you do think about it, it doesn't grab you with the same power... it's just a thought, passing through your mind. And you are not as attached to it anymore. It's definitely takes time and changes with yourself to stop wanting something you like the feeling of, or was a comfort to you, or you felt solved all your problems... What are you thoughts? Anyone here overcome an addiction and can see the similarities? 2
budley12 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 NC is horrible. Especially when they say they still want you apart of their lives. Then again if my ex wanted me to be apart of his life he wouldnt have dumped me and started dating someone else 3months after the breakup. Sometimes I really come close to wanting to break NC. But then I think what is the point? At this time I am not able to just be friends and hear about his new relationship and how he is happier without me. I hope that one day I will be able to contact him again, and not ignore him when I pass him on campus. I am hurting so much without him and that is yet just another sign that I have a lot more healing to do 1
CopingGal Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Yes getting over my bf was like going cold turkey from a drug...I imagine. It was horrible. I felt itchy. I felt anxious. I'm used to him being out of my life now. He's scum anyway.
Author Million.to.1 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Sometimes I really come close to wanting to a drink. But then I think what is the point? At this time I am not able to just have a drink and and just enjoy it without needing more. I hope that one day I will be able to have just one drink again, and not have to miss parties and gatherings with friends in order to avoid it. I am hurting so much without it and that is yet just another sign that I have a lot more healing to do ^^ I edited that a bit to highlight what i mean. 1
Mack05 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) million to 1 (like most your posts on LS) your post is right on the money. I went through a few years where I gambled far to much. Not sure if I was ever addicted because I havent had a bet in a long time and was able to stop myself when I felt too much money was being lost. For sure though it was a big problem. Thankfully, I have had no inclination to bet now or ever well again. I realised I like having money in my account too much to lose it. I quite enjoy being financially secure. It is something I take great pride in. Most gamblers don't bet to win money. They may think they do, but thats not the reasons behind the gambling. The win gives a gambler 'the rush'. This rush is used to fill an emotional gap within them. Just like alcohol does for the binge drinker. When you are NC or have an addiction, how you try to heal are very similar to both. For example its vital in the early stages of addiction recovery and NC to keep you mind occupied as much as you can. That is the key to NC. Being good to yourself. Getting out as much as you can. Spending time with friends and family. When you are alone then deal with your emotions. A great way to do this is TV off, find somewhere peaceful and just take long deep breaths as the uncomfortable feelings come. Write a jornal and put your feelings down (without editing). This is an awesome way to self soothe. When we are NC or recovering from an addiction we are looking to fill emotional gaps within us. Sometimes being NC can lead to addictions or other harmful behaviours like casual sex, rebounding, drugs, alcholol. binge eating etc etc. I had a 7 year relationship fail about eight years ago. I didn't cry. I didnt think endlessly about her. It was like I was numb. Instead I suppressed my emotions, avoided them and this turned me to gambling and over eating. In my ex's case suppressing her emotions has lead to unresolved anger, poor coping skills and many other negative traits which are badly effecting her life. I am self aware. She is still in denial. I took therapy to make me understand all of this. Until therapy I still had the odd temptation to gamble. Once I became self aware as to why my gambling started and the terrible effect it had on my life, then the urge to gamble/over eat stopped. The reason I don't bet anymore is because I am self aware (that is the crucial thing). I know its very obvious that gambling is not good for you, but when you are slap bang in a serious mess you are in total denial to your predicament and the real extent of your issues. These days, I allow logic to rule over my negative emotions which helps deal with the complusive side of my personality, but its not as simple as that. Knowing how to fill the emotional gaps in you healthily is the key to avoiding negative behavioural traits. If I have a bet today, I will have another tomorrow and so on. Thankfully I am at a stage in my life, I ever feel like betting. It took me years to get the 'complusivity' under control, but then other negative traits come to my personality. Things like enabling and obsessing when in a relationship being just two. Truly loving yourself. Having balance and discipline in your life. These are the keys to successfully avoiding negative behaviours and dealing with NC in the right way. Because I handled NC terribly 8 years ago, because I went through a period of self loathing, I am still paying the price NOW. I am still working on resolving my flaws. I so want to meet the right girl. I have so much love to give but until you solve whats wrong with me, and truly love myself then that relationship I crave is unattainable. The good news is that I am making awesome progress and continue to do so. Self awareness and total honesty with myself has freed me to succeed. For many the uncomfortable, desperate feeling of NC can be too much to cope with. Especially when you are miserable in your own life. That is why it's so important so handle NC in the correct way. To feel your feelings. To confront your emotions, not avoid or supress them. To focus on your flaws, not the flaws of your ex's. Too many people come on her telling is that there ex is this and that. It's ok to vent but if your still bitter 3 or 6 months later the problem is you and not your ex. If every person on LS just focused on (and resolved) their own flaws and not their ex's, they would be able to become truly happy in their own skin and they would meet their right partner so much quicker. Edited March 31, 2012 by Mack05 1
EricaH329 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I haven't read the other posts, but I do know that there is definitely truth to what you posted. Overcoming an addiction is not easy. NC takes a TON of strength!!! A lot of will power. However, no matter how hard it may be, in the end... it's totally and completely worth it. If only I had realized that 3 years ago, it would have saved me a ton of trouble!!
SilverBlueAndGold Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 NC is most definitely like going cold turkey on an addiction. Especially if we are going from a situation with a lot of routine contact like morning texts/talk, afternoon chatter, night time lovey doveys. I catch myself and think "Is it really her I am missing, or the routine I was used to?" When I look at it that way I realize that it really is more the routine than specifically her. And falling off the wagon is like getting over the first few horrible days of being clean only to have "one more hit" and end up back at square one. Not only is the addiction being fed but there is the feeling of failure and self loathing to go along with it. It's been almost two weeks for me and it is starting to fade a tiny tiny bit....not completely but I can see a faint glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel.
leannesagoodman Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 For many the uncomfortable, desperate feeling of NC can be too much to cope with. Especially when you are miserable in your own life. That is why it's so important so handle NC in the correct way. To feel your feelings. To confront your emotions, not avoid or supress them. To focus on your flaws, not the flaws of your ex's. Too many people come on her telling is that there ex is this and that. It's ok to vent but if your still bitter 3 or 6 months later the problem is you and not your ex. If every person on LS just focused on (and resolved) their own flaws and not their ex's, they would be able to become truly happy in their own skin and they would meet their right partner so much quicker. This has become my philosophy. I've realised now that while I didn't do the breaking up with me and some things my ex did were unreasonable, I can't blame her for it. I don't. I knew before that it was all me, but now I really do see everything I did wrong, and I am sorry for it. The way I see it though, 'sorry' in my case doesn't mean much anymore unless I change the way I am. That way all of this hasn't been for nothing. It can be turned into a positive experience by working on yourself. That way you will be more content in yourself and your life as a whole. Obviously this isn't true for all people on here because some people have been wronged so badly by their partners and it genuinely hasn't been their fault. I just know though that in my case it was more to do with me, and now I'm fully accepting that then I'll hopefully never hurt a person again the way I managed to hurt her. I'll see the mistakes before I do them. I'd agree that not suppressing feelings is very important. That way you can get all the emotions out and be ready to move on. Avoiding negative feelings or thoughts means they're more likely to bite you later. But, regardless of the emotion, let it be felt. If it's negative, eventually it will go. If it's positive, eventually it will stay.
Author Million.to.1 Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 Your post was poetry Mac05. I totally agree and appreciate you sharing your story. It's easier to give up something you have grown to hate. That was me and smoking. After the initial few days and overcoming a couple of weak moments here and there I felt absolutely fine. Better even... proud. Much harder to give up something you still love. You have to focus on all the reasons it's not good for you.
Exit Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Yeah NC is definitely like breaking an addiction, and in some ways I think the more "addicted" you feel the more toxic your relationship may have actually been, whether that means it was codependent or something else. I don't think "addictive" is necessarily a word that should come to mind when describing a good relationship, so if a relationship ends and you feel like all your oxygen is gone and it hurts just to wake up and you think about not wanting to live, yeah in some ways that's just a classic case of heartbreak, but in other ways it points to something else going on in your life. A truly healthy person with a truly healthy relationship should be able to handle it ending fairly well. If you really love yourself you want to be happy and not feel pain and if you really loved the other person, even if they realize their life needs to take them in a different direction, you should be able to just accept that. So for those of us who feel like NC is breaking an extreme drug addiction and we chew through our fingernails every day just to not email or call the person for the next 6 months, I think it may be a sign that we were letting this people compensate for other issues in our lives and there was something unhealthy about the entire setup. 2
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