beenburned Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 For OW/FOW: Since you have personally experienced an affair with a MM, what signs should a BW be looking for as evidence of continued cheating after a d-day?(either with the same OW or a different one) Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 BB, I think what another poster meant on another thread by her statement is this: Youve got to wonder about some BS who post here. I have noticed that some of these posters spend countless hours on OW/OM boards posting. They have even admitted this by there own omission. These certain posters also "rail" againest every person who isnt a BS. They also say that their M is in recovery and doing great. I dont understand. I am NOT talking about long-time posters such as Spark or Frozen. Just by their post, I can see the pain. Something isnt quite right. Why else would you be here? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 TT, I like most of your posts.........but who are we, and I'm including myself in this (because I've done it in the past), why do we have the right to question anyone who posts here and ask why they are here? I don't think we have that right. We can all choose not to engage, if we don't want to. Hi. I understand where you are coming from. I guess I am just trying to help the situation. LOL. My frustration is that I see some of these posters come here, spew venom and I can just feel the pain of the person who is really seeking help. I can also see the pain of the person spewing that venom too because why else would you be here. My other opinion is that I guess I can understand someone better when I know where they are coming from. If I can go back and read their backstory, I can get the whys in a effort to help. But you are right, no one has the right to say if you dont tell us this/that, then you cant post. PS. Thanks for the compliment. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 For OW/FOW: Since you have personally experienced an affair with a MM, what signs should a BW be looking for as evidence of continued cheating after a d-day?(either with the same OW or a different one) I know the poster that stated it in the other thread said they don't want to hurt someone with the suggestion, but usually it isn't said as a "head's up". Its usually said in an attempt to humiliate and silence the poster who dares speak honestly here about their pain and their views of helping married people violate their vows. I'm sure the poster that didn't want to say it meant it when they said they weren't interested in hurting anyone. There are often people that have posted that "there is a real person on the other side of the screen" about the pain that an OW or OM is feeling. I suggest that OPs consider that statement about the BSs posting here AND about the BS they are helping to betray. We ALL are real people who have been affected in some way by the pain and revelation of an affair. I hope you will get a real answer to the question, though. If someone states they can tell when cheating is still going on, they should be able to say why they feel that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Well, I can guess at what the continuation of the affair post d-day would/should look like to an OW/OM. Contact resumes. Efforts are probably made to keep it more circumspect, but the odds are that the best indicator to them is that they're talking again. From a BS perspective, the biggest first indicator to me is that the WS doesn't show any signs of "withdrawl" post d-day. If they're not angry, hurt, unable to sleep, unable to eat, not stressed out...odds are, they're still "getting their fix", and contact continues between the affair partners. If the WS also continues to display secretive behaviors...reluctant to share cell phone/im/email passwords, or if they continue to spend a large amount of time unaccounted for...odds are, they're still in contact. Just trying to keep this thread on topic. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 30, 2012 Author Share Posted March 30, 2012 Thank you Owl, that was very informative! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 From a BS perspective, the biggest first indicator to me is that the WS doesn't show any signs of "withdrawl" post d-day. If they're not angry, hurt, unable to sleep, unable to eat, not stressed out...odds are, they're still "getting their fix", and contact continues between the affair partners. If the WS also continues to display secretive behaviors...reluctant to share cell phone/im/email passwords, or if they continue to spend a large amount of time unaccounted for...odds are, they're still in contact. Besides being on the opposite end of the contact, I wonder how an OW is able to tell that some random MM is still cheating on a random BS? It has to be based on more than just the "bitterness" present in the way someone posts. I agree with the above, as well. There is the feeling that they are still not "there". That their body is there with you, but their mind is on the other side of town. And the defensiveness of not wanting to discuss the affair and your feelings about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 30, 2012 Author Share Posted March 30, 2012 NoIDidn't, And I didn't ask this question to hurt OW either. I was truely curious, as I have never seen this addressed much, on this or other forums. I only asked it on this forum since the OW have more insight into the ways/means of MM. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 NoIDidn't, And I didn't ask this question to hurt OW either. I was truely curious, as I have never seen this addressed much, on this or other forums. I only asked it on this forum since the OW have more insight into the ways/means of MM. I'm sure you didn't start this thread to hurt OW either. I am not posting to hurt OW as well, if that is what you are getting from my posts. I don't think you are going to get more insight from an OP than you would from one that's been in the position of the BS. I think the insight would be about the same. Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I would say, think back to any signs before d-day. I know BS pick up things looking back once they know. And watch for those same things. From my own personal experience, I can say: Texting in front of you, but with phone held in a way you can't see. Carrying phone to bathroom or any other time a person not in an A would just leave their phone laying there. Suddenly changing passwords or creating passwords on their phone when they didn't use any before. Not wanting to hand their phone over even to borrow to make a phone call..fear a text or call might come through while BS has phone. Being distracted and/or distant. Mind is elsewhere. Possibly less interested in sex because he is getting a fix somewhere else, or, if he is very emotionally involved in the A, and is detaching from you emotionally, he/she (sorry I keep saying "he") may feel as though they are cheating on their AP. I know it sounds hypocritical but it is the way some people feel. Less affection toward you because he'd rather give it to someone else. If the AP is a mutual friend, suddenly acting awkward and uncomfortable around them because they worry every little thing might be noticed, and the simple fact that you generally act differently around a friend than around a lover. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted March 30, 2012 Author Share Posted March 30, 2012 Keepmeinmind, Thank you for your insights! I wish you well on your journey to find true love. Usually, you will hear and find out many things, even years later, that you didn't know about at that time.(this is true for BW/BH also)(even if divorced) Sometimes the info changes your whole perception of the MM and the affair , or the whole perception of the marriage. Not all good or bad, just enough to change the background of the big picture. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I know the poster that stated it in the other thread said they don't want to hurt someone with the suggestion, but usually it isn't said as a "head's up". Its usually said in an attempt to humiliate and silence the poster who dares speak honestly here about their pain and their views of helping married people violate their vows. I'm sure the poster that didn't want to say it meant it when they said they weren't interested in hurting anyone. There are often people that have posted that "there is a real person on the other side of the screen" about the pain that an OW or OM is feeling. I suggest that OPs consider that statement about the BSs posting here AND about the BS they are helping to betray. We ALL are real people who have been affected in some way by the pain and revelation of an affair. I hope you will get a real answer to the question, though. If someone states they can tell when cheating is still going on, they should be able to say why they feel that way. I in no way want to ever humiliate anyone. I was just merely stating that there have been times that my gut is there is something more going on, and I don't say it, because I don't think it will do anything but harm. If I wanted to humiliate someone and hurt them I would say "I think your husband is still doing this". Again, I know that all situations are different and I have no problem sharing what I know to help anyone out. Its going to take some time to think of everything, so if I have other things I think of I will put them on here. But here goes.... Lady Grey is right, a lot of times its just taken further under ground. "bat phones", emails, fake fb accounts, different types of messaging services. There are some free apps that you can get that will never show the texts on the cell phone bill. Blackberry Messanger is one, it will show as a "push" on the internet, so someone won't know if it is just the spouse using the internet or what, thats all it looks like. Also an app called Tiger Text does the same. There are also apps that allow a person to call or text and it never comes up on the phone at all, it goes into a special place (don't know where it is) and someone call log onto the site and put in a password and listen to the message, or read the text and reply. There is also spoof card, which is simple... someone can call and use any number that comes up on the caller ID, so if you ever look at a bill, it will just look like they spoke to "uncle bob" or who ever. Fact is if someone wants to cheat, they will, I guess. There are too many ways around it with technology. I know a lot of times, I have been told "just be patient", "shes acting crazy", "don't answer her calls"... mean while he is telling her that I am persuing him, and the BS looked at it like I was the nut that was chasing after him. Which is not and has never been my style. They will keep even a pinky toe in the door, all the while spilling their guts to the BS on how they want this to work. I want to stress, not proud of what I did. I was completely snowed, and thought I was holding on to a love that didn't come around but once in a lifetime. But these are just somethings they do. I want to help anyone I can. I want to take what I have learned and been through and make sure not one more woman ever has to go through the grief. So, ask away, if you have questions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 There are also privacy boxes within texting apps that will send texts from specific people to a private box that is only accessed through a password. So it may still be accessed on the phone. It just doesn't show up in the normal inbox. And then there are apps that hide photos/videos and are disguised as weather, stocks, music etc apps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I know a lot of times, I have been told "just be patient", "shes acting crazy", "don't answer her calls"... mean while he is telling her that I am persuing him, and the BS looked at it like I was the nut that was chasing after him. Which is not and has never been my style. They will keep even a pinky toe in the door, all the while spilling their guts to the BS on how they want this to work. See, now, for that, I'd just have to smack his peen. edit - Good on you for wanting to reach out to others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Another way you can tell is by a SMELL.....Yeah...the one on his PENIS!!! SO TRUE!!!!!!! I am dead serious about this..... I have a gf who suspected her husband was cheating....she told him to drop his pants and let her smell....if it smelled like a woman....or freshly washed...she knew! She still blows my mind to this day...... Oh and she is divorced!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 There are also privacy boxes within texting apps that will send texts from specific people to a private box that is only accessed through a password. So it may still be accessed on the phone. It just doesn't show up in the normal inbox. And then there are apps that hide photos/videos and are disguised as weather, stocks, music etc apps. Oh my...what lengths some people go to!!! Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I think you’d probably still see many of the signs post-dday as pre-dday. However, some MM will become more careful in covering their tracks as to not tip off the BS. I think a good indicator is a lack of effort to prove the A is over and that the M is important. xMM allowed no transparency. He still refused any access to his phone/records or work log. He remained secretive and protective of his calls and phone, always carrying it and always keeping it on vibrate. He continued to miss calls and come home late (just earlier). He continued to act like he had something to hide (and he did). He also showed little/no effort in reconciliation or remorse (not necessarily meaning A is still going on, but a problem either way). He refused to go to MC. He refused to discuss the A, and only denied that an A or anything inappropriate had/has ever happened. He was harsh and unsupportive of the W’s feelings (I know this from xMM’s relays and personally hearing conversations). As far as I know, he basically behaved like nothing happened, and the W just had to go along with it. IMO dday seemed to make him worse. He seemed to become even more emotional with me and more brazen in the A. In my case, I think the A continued after dday because his W let it continue. She allowed him to control dday and its aftermath. She didn’t put her foot down and demand more from him. She allowed him to get away with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Another way you can tell is by a SMELL.....Yeah...the one on his PENIS!!! SO TRUE!!!!!!! I am dead serious about this..... I have a gf who suspected her husband was cheating....she told him to drop his pants and let her smell....if it smelled like a woman....or freshly washed...she knew! She still blows my mind to this day...... Oh and she is divorced!!!! Wow! That is something else. My xMM was always smart enough to take a shower before he got home. He knew what he was doing. I heard VM's of him SOBBING and begging her if he could come home. All the while, he was telling me that this evil woman was keeping his kids from him, and how he couldn't come stay with me, so he had no other place to go. What an a$$. And what an idiot I was. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Seriously?? Wow.......I would not degrade myself by demanding a man drop his pants so I could smell his penis. :sick: That is way too far gone! Like I said earlier Lady Grey...she is one in a million and she wanted to know for sure...She got her answer...Doesn't make a difference how she found out....SHE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely love her...Degrading herself...no I don't think so, it was actually more degrading to him...she had to do what she had to do! And didn't the OP want to know various ways of finding out if the A was still taking place? Well here's another one....READ ABOVE!!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Wow! That is something else. My xMM was always smart enough to take a shower before he got home. He knew what he was doing. I heard VM's of him SOBBING and begging her if he could come home. All the while, he was telling me that this evil woman was keeping his kids from him, and how he couldn't come stay with me, so he had no other place to go. What an a$$. And what an idiot I was. A fresh shower usually is a great indicator of something is going on...Yeah like he was at the gym....Heard them all....Not buying it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KeepMeInMind Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 A fresh shower usually is a great indicator of something is going on...Yeah like he was at the gym....Heard them all....Not buying it! Kinda depends. If they go straight home after the shower, then yeah, the shower won't help anything down there, but might wash away perfume and such that may be elsewhere that would be noticed without sexual contact. Taking a shower and then going back to work or whatever would probably not be noticeable by the time he got home. Anything is better than smelling like someone else's vag. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Another way you can tell is by a SMELL.....Yeah...the one on his PENIS!!! SO TRUE!!!!!!! I am dead serious about this..... I have a gf who suspected her husband was cheating....she told him to drop his pants and let her smell....if it smelled like a woman....or freshly washed...she knew! She still blows my mind to this day...... Oh and she is divorced!!!! I've also known several women who have done the smell test before. I remember I once gave xMM a damp cloth with a little soap on it to clean up “down there” and he wouldn’t use it. He wanted me to use just water. When I asked if he thought she would smell him, he said “you never know”. He also requested I not use fabric softener. xMM was very conscious about not coming home smelling like sex or soap/shower (unless he had a cover like pool or working out). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Breathless Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I'm on the wayward side and DDay was the day No Contact started for me and the xMM. Since then, every movement, every look and every sigh is scrutinized by my H. I used to love to listening to music loud and dance throughout the house but since I did that before and during the A, it upsets my H. He is afraid that I am falling back into the same patterns as before. My H watches my behavioral patterns more than my phone, email or whereabouts. He watches ME since he knows ME better than anyone else in the world. He is usually right when he gets a gut instinct that something is bothering me but I am putting on a happy face to save us from drama. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I only asked it on this forum since the OW have more insight into the ways/means of MM. We do?? More than the W does, who's actually MARRIED TO and LIVING WITH the guy day in & day out for years on end?? And you ask us this after all the "You-have-no-idea-what-happens-behind-closed-doors-in-their-M" posts that get slung at OWs here???? :rolleyes: Sometimes I think you BS's persist in needling us here with your relentless questions because you can't get the truth from your own H's. They've shut you down somehow. THEY'RE THE ONES WHO SHOULD BE GIVING YOU THOSE ANSWERS!!!!! It's not up to us. We didn't marry you. HE did! Go talk to HIM!! I don't understand why you think we could give you any answers ABOUT YOUR OWN FREAKING MARRIAGE. OWN it whydon'tcha!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 What is the matter with you!! Link to post Share on other sites
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