Dumping Someone for Getting Too Fat

[Professor X]

I think you should post a picture. I can't image you really being "fat".

 

She isn't fat... She posted her pictures here in the past (links are broken now).

[FitChick]

I've never seen a fat person get involved in a sport or a healthy routine and follow through to become a fit competitor. The only people I've ever seen do it were the ones who seemed naturally predisposed to do it. Essentially those who already had the body for it.

 

I guess you've never watched the Biggest Loser. Quite a few of the contestants went on to become fitness trainers themselves because their weight loss experience gave them more credibility and empathy with prospective clients.

 

Hey, I've got a great idea for a TV show - Survivor: Biggest Loser Edition. Put obese people who claim they do "everything right" but are unable to lose weight on an island. They have to hunt and gather their own food as well as build their own shelters. At the end of a few months, wanna bet they will all be thinner?

[johan]

I guess you've never watched the Biggest Loser. Quite a few of the contestants went on to become fitness trainers themselves because their weight loss experience gave them more credibility and empathy with prospective clients.

 

Hey, I've got a great idea for a TV show - Survivor: Biggest Loser Edition. Put obese people who claim they do "everything right" but are unable to lose weight on an island. They have to hunt and gather their own food as well as build their own shelters. At the end of a few months, wanna bet they will all be thinner?

 

No, I haven't watched that show. But you are kind of reinforcing my point.

 

The fact that those people didn't adopt healthy lifestyles themselves prior to going on a national TV show and getting a team of coaches or whatever, getting filmed, etc. indicates to me that 1) they weren't predisposed to do it, and 2) they probably won't maintain it. the fact that they lost a lot of weight under those circumstances isn't surprising. It probably still didn't turn any of them into Brad Pitt.

 

My point was not that it's impossible to get anyone to lose weight if you put them in the right situation. Send V to Navy SEAL training and see what happens to her body. I was talking more about why certain people embrace a healthy lifestyle from he start while others don't. The ones who do we're born with a body that adapts well to physical training, and that's alone is enough encouragement for them to stay active and pay attention to the details of their appearance.

 

To repeat myself, I think it may generally be wrong to say "she's hot because she works out."

In most cases it's probably more correct to say "she works out because she's hot."

[soserious1]

If you are an overweight/ obese person, you cannot force somebody to find you attractive, you can't argue them into wanting you, shaming them or guilt tripping them isn't going to work either.

[LexiB]

I.am.on.the.computer.for.work.45.hours.a.week. I cannot exercise at work. I cannot quit my job just to exercise, because you think I should be skinny. Is that honestly what you are suggesting? Quitting my job?

 

Your math is also awful. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. Each time is 20-30 minutes of cardio and 30ish minutes of weight lifting. That's about a full hour. So, I'm actually spending 3-4 hours a week exercising, double what you are claiming. (And that's not counting the time I do dancing or martial arts.)

 

But I love how you don't actually address any of my points. You're scrambling for the one thing you can argue; that somehow I'm not spending every minute of my life exercising, and that's why I'm fat.

 

Please, oh knowledgeable thin one; do you not work, so you can exercise? How long do YOU spend in front of the computer? How much do you exercise, what do you eat? How much do you drive as opposed to walking?

 

Out of curiosity, how did you come up with this exercise routine? It sounds more conducive to maintenance than weight loss to me. Personally, I'd do 45mins-1 hour of cardio followed by 10-15 minutes of strength training after.

 

This, 3-4x a week (average calories burned, 800-1k per workout) plus sticking to a daily calorie budget, did the trick for me.

[FitChick]

The fact that those people didn't adopt healthy lifestyles themselves prior to going on a national TV show and getting a team of coaches or whatever, getting filmed, etc. indicates to me that they weren't predisposed to do it... certain people embrace a healthy lifestyle from the start while others don't. The ones who do we're born with a body that adapts well to physical training, and that's alone is enough encouragement for them to stay active.

 

Some people are late bloomers, some get a wake up call from doctors telling them they will die if they don't lose weight. I didn't start seriously exercising until I was in my forties because I wanted to look and feel better. I had always hated exercise. Through experimentation I found out what I loved to do so it wasn't a chore to do it. Now if I miss more than two days without any walking or weights, I get very cranky, my body gets stiff and I stress eat.

 

Fitness can become a habit.

[kaylan]

*shrugs* I would break up with someone if they became big, sloppy, and unattractive to me. That is only after I try to get them to clean up their lifestyle. They wouldnt end up being fat before I said something though. Id mention it way before that.

 

I doubt Ill have this issue in the future though. The women Ive tended to go for generally seem to be the naturally slim types like myself with fast metabolisms. Guess we got lucky.

[Els]

What I keep wondering, Verhrzn, is why doctors and/or fitness professionals haven't been able to help you find something that works for you. You mentioned earlier that you blog on a website full of well qualified trainers. Mind letting us know what website that is? I'd be interested to know what kind of advice they're giving you. I'm interested to see the exact reasons why they are baffled by your apparent lack of progress.

 

I suspect it's because she's already at a very healthy weight for her body type and height. Incredibly difficult to lose from that point (as opposed to when you're overweight) because you often need to go to unhealthy measures to do it.

[verhrzn]

I suspect it's because she's already at a very healthy weight for her body type and height. Incredibly difficult to lose from that point (as opposed to when you're overweight) because you often need to go to unhealthy measures to do it.

 

And actually, that's something my doctor did mention. In terms of BMI and body fat, I'm square in the middle of the normal range.

 

The problem is, my fat all clusters around my middle. I might have to wander into unsustainable "underweight" just to appear thinner. Long story short, I look fatter than I actually am, and would need to be much skinnier than might be healthy just to look toned. My doctor's concerned about possible long term health risks of constant weight loss/gain.

 

But who cares about health as long as I look thin, right?

[Els]

Well, plenty of people are telling you that you don't NEED to lose anything.

 

But you keep insisting that you do.

 

What do you expect people will say, then?

[ascendotum]

The cashier told me I was to good looking and strong to not have a wife....What a compliment eh? well it was for a few days, really boosted me up, but it has faded now and I am back to square one. My excuse was..."she thought I looked like a retard and decided to give me a boost to make my day, because she is a nice person"

 

You need to go to sleep listening to some self-confidence hypo cd each night. You see it wrong way around. The odds a compliment like that from a random woman is 10+ times more likley to be genuine, than a 'stooge a retard' stunt. If the cashier is some 50yr old married mother then it carries less weight than if it came from some young single woman, but still, your thought process is screwed up.

[ascendotum]

Sorry, complements from 50+ yr old mothers, about what nice young man you are, and how surprised she is that no girl has snapped you up, don't really register high on the self esteem booster scale. lol. As you said, what you really need are 20 something cute cashiers to say the same.

[phineas]

No, I haven't watched that show. But you are kind of reinforcing my point.

 

The fact that those people didn't adopt healthy lifestyles themselves prior to going on a national TV show and getting a team of coaches or whatever, getting filmed, etc. indicates to me that 1) they weren't predisposed to do it, and 2) they probably won't maintain it. the fact that they lost a lot of weight under those circumstances isn't surprising. It probably still didn't turn any of them into Brad Pitt.

 

My point was not that it's impossible to get anyone to lose weight if you put them in the right situation. Send V to Navy SEAL training and see what happens to her body. I was talking more about why certain people embrace a healthy lifestyle from he start while others don't. The ones who do we're born with a body that adapts well to physical training, and that's alone is enough encouragement for them to stay active and pay attention to the details of their appearance.

 

To repeat myself, I think it may generally be wrong to say "she's hot because she works out."

In most cases it's probably more correct to say "she works out because she's hot."

 

Bodybuilding.com - Huge Online Supplement Store & Fitness Community! forum in the loosing fat section or the post your pictures section.

100's of people who transformed themselves.

Most for no reason other than they just got tired of being fat.

 

I'm one of them.

I had no real reason to loose weight other than I wanted to.

 

But that is the key. you have to want to.

You have to want to do the work to track your diet & lift heavy.

 

People are largely ignorant when it comes to weight loss & need to be educated.

Then you have some people that refuse to listen to other's who have lost the weight even though they are not making progress.

 

They can't be helped. The only thing stopping them is themselves.

[Mme. Chaucer]

If the cashier is some 50yr old married mother then it carries less weight than if it came from some young single woman, but still, your thought process is screwed up.

 

Hey! I'm a 50 (+) year old married mother, and my complements are completely atomic!

[ascendotum]

Hey! I'm a 50 (+) year old married mother, and my complements are completely atomic!

IMO, married women with kids have different mindsets from single women and women say over 40 again have different mindsets from younger women, when it comes to guys and whats desirable. From your postings I don't consider you the typical 50s mother (thats a compliment:)). I think most are clueless as to what young women want in a man. they think being a 'polite nice gentleman' is really good thing.

[Mme. Chaucer]

IMO, married women with kids have different mindsets from single women and women say over 40 again have different mindsets from younger women, when it comes to guys and whats desirable. From your postings I don't consider you the typical 50s mother (thats a compliment:)). I think most are clueless as to what young women want in a man. they think being a 'polite nice gentleman' is really good thing.

 

Thanks!

 

I am in no way a "cougar" but I'm completely in touch with my inner 20 year old self and what she would find attractive or not.

[threebyfate]

More information about fat and fat cells. The number of fat cells are created both in the third trimester of pregnancy and also as young children (rapid brain developmental periods).

 

Once the number of fat cells are set, people become fatter or thinner through the fat loss or accumulation within these cells. If fat cells have naturally died or have been removed (liposuction), they are automatically replaced by the brain. So there's at present, no way to reduce the number of fat cells.

 

"Naturally" lean people generally have fewer fat cells. I put the word "naturally" into quotes since there's nothing natural about it. It's primarily a symptom of nurture, childhood and adult lifestyle.

[zengirl]

Message of hate? How so? I don't hate fat people...In fact, I feel sorry for them. Most of them are unhealthy and miserable. Being fat is not like being short or being black. Those are things than cannot be helped. Fatness can be helped. Choosing not to date people who are lazy and unhealthy is not hate.

 

Unlike me, you are a hypocrite. You say 'ooh, there's nothing wrong with being a fatty...but I ain't dating one because "it's not the aesthetic I prefer"' You're being intellectually dishonest, while I give it straight.

 

My problem wasn't with YOU not dating anyone you feel is overweight, but with saying people should shun and not date them and making statements like, "fat people are lazy". Some people will say, "that's not always true." I say: There's NO correlation.

 

I am not fat -- I do a bit of exercise, but hardly enough to be considered industrious about it, so I am perhaps lazy about fitness. I see nothing wrong with that, actually, and don't consider it a character issue. Too lazy to walk a little ways because there's no good parking? Yes, there are people like that, but most overweight people are not like that. Too lazy to exercise 3 hours a day and measure out every meal and make their lives about their weight? Yes, they're probably that "lazy" but so is almost everyone, thin or fat, except a small % of people I consider completely unhealthy mentally.

 

Lazy suggests a person is unwilling to work or use energy. I have met many fat people in my life (not people who suddenly "turned" fat -- just people who were pretty much always fat) and I cannot think of one of them that is actually lazy and does not put energy towards something. But, like most people, they often choose to put the bulk of their energy towards things that are likely to give them results. If exercising does not provide strong results, it does not become a "higher" priority; it becomes a "lower" one.

 

One of the fat people I know is an ER resident who works ungodly work weeks, saves lives, can do all kinds of math I could never touch, builds cars from parts, etc. He puts a lot of work and energy into these things. He does not go to the gym. So, say, you go to the gym, but are too lazy to get through medical school, build your car from scratch parts, or even do advanced calculus. Who are you to call the other person lazy because they prioritized things they were very good at (which take a hell of a lot more work and dedication than many fit people spend being fit) and spent their energy on that. That's what makes no sense to me.

 

No, I've never been attracted to fat people. I don't feel a need to defend why I am or am not attracted to anyone. I'm not attracted to redheaded men either, but I don't have to go around saying they have no soul. I don't get the need to criticize people as though it requires some defense or we have to make some case out of it.

 

There are a myriad of reasons someone might be fat, but I think it very rarely comes down to "lazy." And there's no reason to pity them (I know lots of people who are fat and happy) or scorn them or anything else. If you don't want to date someone fat, don't date them, but trying to convince other people they're bad and wrong and shouldn't be socialized with is hate. That's just what it is.

 

Yeah, weight is a poverty issue. That's why all those impoverished people in Africa, Asia and Latin America are so overweight. Wait a second...

 

Poverty in America is (thankfully) not the same as poverty in those countries, as there is still food available. Just not high-quality food. Sure, starving doesn't generally make people fat but I didn't say "starving." I said poor. Food deserts are the main cause of that -- you don't have a grocery store you can get to, so you eat fast food and from the convenience store. Better public transpiration and changing food subsidies would help this immensely. But we can't fix it (even though it's not a difficult or particularly expensive fix -- it'd actually save less than it cost) because of ignorance like this post. C'est la vie.

 

I'm not as sure about that as I used to be. I go to the gym every day, and I people watch a lot. It seems like it's the fittest and best looking people who are working the hardest. I know that seems like a bit of a "duh" statement. "Yeah, they look great because they put so much more effort into it."

 

But there is a chicken/egg aspect to it. I think it's more likely that they put so much more into it because even from the start they suffered so much less doing it. It's a natural talent they discovered that made them feel good about themselves.

 

When I think about all the people I've known, those people who were pretty fit, strong and athletic naturally we're the ones most likely to adopt a healthy lifestyle. The people who didn't have that natural athleticism were the most miserable when working out and the most likely to avoid it.

 

Drastic transformations are possible, but they are obviously rare. And they seem to happen most among people who are actually physically gifted but just let themselves go for a long time.

 

I feel this way as well. Personally, I'm thin, but I'm definitely out of place at a gym and I generally am unhappy in such a place and with such people. Those are the kids that enjoyed PE class. I was not one of those kids.

[FitChick]

If you aren't attracted to someone, you don't owe them anything beyond basic politeness. I personally don't need to hear why a fat guy is fat or the science behind it. That's his problem, not mine. It won't change my feelings of non-attraction.

[chrissylee]

If the amount of money the guy made was a big part of the lifestyle they lived as a couple, then I don't see why the woman couldn't dump the guy for taking on a less lucrative job.

 

What if he is happier at the new job even though he makes less? Do you think she should still dump him then?

 

As for dumping someone for getting fat I think it depends on what you are considering fat. If it is a small amount and you want to dump them for that, then I think its silly.

 

However, if someone gains alot (50+) and is unwilling to lose it, then I could see why you might want to dump them. For me it wouldn't really be so much about their looks, but about them not caring enough about their health to keep their weight within a healthy level.