Genirene Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Hello forum, this is my first post... I have been seeing her for 3 weeks now, a week ago i confessed my affection and she agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend so, i was slowly getting more intimate trying to find times we can be with each other between university work. While i havent kissed her yet, we were comfortable with sitting close and holding hands. And i been careful not to make any advances to fast that it resulting in letting me to back off or hold back. So i been preparing to kiss her for the first time. when she showed up at my place wanting to talk to me, in tears. In what little i could understand from the crying, she wasnt feeling affection towards me but was also very afraid to admit it. Mainly due to her experiences before, she was afraid that i would drop contact all together. Tried to comfort her as much as i can to stop her crying by explaining how much we can agree on subjects and how she has a world view that i admire. Her lack of affection was while devastating i wouldnt want such good relation ship to end. She truly is a brilliant person that i fell in love with not only her looks but to her mind. And wouldn't want to force her into anything she wouldn't not want to do. While i will continue to have these feeling, i can never abandon a person with such good qualities that i admire spending time with. But as you can imagine, i want to give an other try on pursuing a romantic relationship while also wondering if i should take the initiative and kiss her. While i asked her what i did wrong she avoided the answer by saying i am just strange that way... I know its a bit classic, so i didnt buy into it. But how do i get her to tell me what she found wrong about me. Or is it simply just lack of affection Thank you for taking the time to reading this. -Genirene
joystickd Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I know if it were me she would be dead to me after that. Its exactly what Heart of a Lion says and you have to be a man and step away from that situation. I have been in a situation like that where I stayed around. It was one of the worse things I could have done looking back on it. Don't make the same mistake 1
Feelsgoodman Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 What the above two posters said. The whole crying business is the oldest trick in the book.
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Hello forum, this is my first post... I have been seeing her for 3 weeks now, a week ago i confessed my affection and she agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend so, i was slowly getting more intimate trying to find times we can be with each other between university work. Agreeing to become exclusive with a person before you've even kissed them is a guaranteed method of killing all chances of attraction. So i been preparing to kiss her for the first time. when she showed up at my place wanting to talk to me, in tears. She's acting. Don't believe the tears. But as you can imagine, i want to give an other try on pursuing a romantic relationship while also wondering if i should take the initiative and kiss her. Give her another try? It's over. But how do i get her to tell me what she found wrong about me. Or is it simply just lack of affection The reasons don't matter. Attraction is either there, or it isn't. In your case, it isn't. And even if you asked, I can promise that you won't get the truth.
Author Genirene Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Harsh but i see what you mean. Guess i am just hopeless While i may be clouded by my feeling i truly dont believe she would be the type of person that would be playing such selfish tricks. Cant she be just afraid of this ending badly and ruining the friendship ? I know from the attitude so far you all are trying to show me that its clearly over. But as i am starting to write replies, i am beginning to understand that i am only looking for a way to get back to her, and not ready to give up so easily.
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Harsh but i see what you mean. Guess i am just hopeless While i may be clouded by my feeling i truly dont believe she would be the type of person that would be playing such selfish tricks. Cant she be just afraid of this ending badly and ruining the friendship ? That would be a logical feeling. But passion isn't logical. If a woman is attracted to you, and she wants to be with you, she will not let the "friendship" get in the way of her attraction. No one thinks, "I'm extremely attracted to this person. I want them romantically, emotionally, and sexually. BUT I don't want to ruin a friendship." People don't think that way. We just SAY we do. The desire to have someone romantically will (almost) always trump the desire to maintain a stable, yet boring friendship. I know from the attitude so far you all are trying to show me that its clearly over. But as i am starting to write replies, i am beginning to understand that i am only looking for a way to get back to her, and not ready to give up so easily. It's never easy to give up. I've been there, man. But lucky for you, I think the decision has already been made for you.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 In her mind, in order to keep you around as a friend, she cant risk telling you what she doesnt find attractive in you. But, heres how you get a clue. You cut her off, because she will NEVER be attracted to you, thats just the way it is, she never was. Her agenda was always to use you for friendship, and btw, youre not as amazing in her mind, as you think she is. When you cut her off, she will date other guys. Onc she starts, you can get an idea of the type of guys she likes, and you can figure out how to improve yourself that way. Also, you have to kiss her before becoming exclusive. YOu have to be a challenge for her, you have to not need to be with her, thats how it works.
RedRobin Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 At the risk of getting flamed by the other posters, I'm going to say that it is perfectly possible that she really does value you, but is simply not physically attracted to you or there is something else about your lifestyle, etc that she doesn't find appealing. Which should be no big deal. ...and that crying is not manipulation... it could just be frustration. I realize though that alot of guys take it as manipulation. Ok. So, here's the deal. If you can't manage to be a true friend to her without hoping for more, then I agree with the others. If you can be a friend to her and she can be a real friend to you... then there is value in that. There are lots of other threads that talk about how you know if it is a real friendship and not just someone sucking you dry emotionally or otherwise. That said, alot of guys (and maybe some ladies) think it is not possible for men and women to be friends. I'm not one of them, but I respect their opinions. If it doesn't work for them it doesn't work for them. My take on your OP though, is that you are still very much hoping for 'more' so I doubt it will work. In that case, you will need to go your own way. No need to burn any bridges or totally disappear off the face of the earth. Just stop initiating would be my advice... and focus your romantic attentions elsewhere. If you find things going all one way, then that wouldn't be a good friend or lover either. 2
Oxy Moronovich Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Don't listen to RedRobin, OP. Listen to the other posts. You've already made it clear that you want a physical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with her. Being friends is not going to make you happy. I'm sure you know this. Therefore, you have to accept your losses and move on. 1
Mr Frisky Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Hello forum, this is my first post... I have been seeing her for 3 weeks now, a week ago i confessed my affection and she agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend so, i was slowly getting more intimate trying to find times we can be with each other between university work. While i havent kissed her yet, we were comfortable with sitting close and holding hands. And i been careful not to make any advances to fast that it resulting in letting me to back off or hold back. So i been preparing to kiss her for the first time. when she showed up at my place wanting to talk to me, in tears. In what little i could understand from the crying, she wasnt feeling affection towards me but was also very afraid to admit it. Mainly due to her experiences before, she was afraid that i would drop contact all together. Tried to comfort her as much as i can to stop her crying by explaining how much we can agree on subjects and how she has a world view that i admire. Her lack of affection was while devastating i wouldnt want such good relation ship to end. She truly is a brilliant person that i fell in love with not only her looks but to her mind. And wouldn't want to force her into anything she wouldn't not want to do. While i will continue to have these feeling, i can never abandon a person with such good qualities that i admire spending time with. But as you can imagine, i want to give an other try on pursuing a romantic relationship while also wondering if i should take the initiative and kiss her. While i asked her what i did wrong she avoided the answer by saying i am just strange that way... I know its a bit classic, so i didnt buy into it. But how do i get her to tell me what she found wrong about me. Or is it simply just lack of affection Thank you for taking the time to reading this. -Genirene I am sorry, friend. You are being played like a violin. It's so demonic, friend.
amog4l Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 i f-ing hate friendzone. its such a waste of time. Honestly, the only reason i f-zone and stay in there is just because maybe i can meet some other ppl off them. once i do, its sayonara!
AIDsFan1488 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 She wants to keep the guy who cares about her while ****ing the guy that merely makes her pussy wet. Throw the bitch to curb or give her this treatment . FACECAST - Wifebeater - YouTube
gotye Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I can see her point of view, but get out for you... not fair to you at ALL 1
fishtaco Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Crying is sometimes genuine. But it can also be used as a manipulation tool. Here's my analysis: 1) Yes, the crying was manipulation... see all the other posts above. 2) No, the crying wasn't manipulation... she was crying for real... well, are you f-ing serious? Cry over this? Bullet dodged. You don't want to mess with a chick like this, platonic or romantic.... 10 foot pole. In my opinion, if she's a nice person I can see how she would feel bad. But this situation isn't devastating enough to inspire crying. I'd have to bet on #1 -- manipulation. If I'm wrong, then you have possibility #2, which makes her equally undesirable. There's no #3 possibility. Either it was manipulation or it wasn't. And Genirene, you are too soft. Boyfriend/girlfriend and you haven't even kissed? Here's my advice, and you may not like it, which is fine. Just remember it as an alternate perspective. If you live your entire life disagreeing with me, good for you. But maybe, one day my perspective will make sense to you, and be of use to you. Men have to go for it. Don't be afraid to get too much. If a guy moves too slow, women will think he's weak, he lacks confidence, he's boring, or... he's not interested. If a guy moves too fast, as long as it's not harassment, stalking, rape, or anything against the law, it's boys will be boys. And the more she likes you, the more she will let you get away with. If you're not getting slapped you're not trying hard enough. It's in the right direction, but I don't agree with this 100%, because my personal methodology is I want to push for as much as the woman will let me, without generating negative feelings. Some people (the successful jerk types) know how to make negativity work for them. If you want to go that route, I can't help you because I don't know how to do it. But the worst thing you can do is to be too passive. Worry about yourself, be on your own side. Trust me, women are plenty capable of being on their own side, they don't need your help. They are not helpless little flowers. Ultimately, you should at least trying to kiss the girl and engage in activities that platonic friends won't do. Do friends hug and hold hands? Yes. I hold my friends' hands when they are sad. But I don't make out with them, ever. So making out is an activity you should go for. And yes, sex too. I'd also recommend multidating, but that's controversial. 1
counterman Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 It's not fair on you. It's clear you want something more than friendship but she doesn't feel that way. What you can do is tell her "look, I would love to continue being your friend but while I'm still having these feelings, I don't think I can, so I don't think we should contact each other for a while" Then just cut off all contact, start talking to other girls and going on dates with them, and then maybe many months down the track later once you get over her, talk to her again. Trust me, it's **** lingering around. Also, you're a little too passive in your approach. You did nothing wrong and whole idea of not wanting her to do something she doesn't want to do... well, you should have gone for the kiss and if she backed off, then she'll back off. If you know what I mean. Don't try to tip toe into not trying to push for something you want, go for it, be assertive, and she would have let you know if she doesn't want to go there.
prune juice Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Hello forum, this is my first post... I have been seeing her for 3 weeks now, a week ago i confessed my affection and she agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend so, i was slowly getting more intimate trying to find times we can be with each other between university work. While i havent kissed her yet, we were comfortable with sitting close and holding hands. And i been careful not to make any advances to fast that it resulting in letting me to back off or hold back. So i been preparing to kiss her for the first time. when she showed up at my place wanting to talk to me, in tears. In what little i could understand from the crying, she wasnt feeling affection towards me but was also very afraid to admit it. Mainly due to her experiences before, she was afraid that i would drop contact all together. Tried to comfort her as much as i can to stop her crying by explaining how much we can agree on subjects and how she has a world view that i admire. Her lack of affection was while devastating i wouldnt want such good relation ship to end. She truly is a brilliant person that i fell in love with not only her looks but to her mind. And wouldn't want to force her into anything she wouldn't not want to do. While i will continue to have these feeling, i can never abandon a person with such good qualities that i admire spending time with. But as you can imagine, i want to give an other try on pursuing a romantic relationship while also wondering if i should take the initiative and kiss her. While i asked her what i did wrong she avoided the answer by saying i am just strange that way... I know its a bit classic, so i didnt buy into it. But how do i get her to tell me what she found wrong about me. Or is it simply just lack of affection Thank you for taking the time to reading this. -Genirene females and their drama. this is so very typical.
Forever Learning Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 ...and that crying is not manipulation... it could just be frustration. I realize though that alot of guys take it as manipulation. Ok. I don't think the crying is manipulation. I think she genuinely feels bad about the whole thing not working out, and she doesn't want to hurt you. It's probably not manipulation, it's probably very legitimate on her part. However, it just being friends with her would eventually drive you insane, than don't be friends with her. Just explain that to her. On the other hand, I have read MANY stories of men and women who were friends, where one liked the other more, and eventually the other one came around and it developed into a relationship. It's a hard call. You have to listen to your feelings and play it by ear. But, if you start to suffer emotionally, then call it off. Be honest with her and tell her why you can't be friends. It could be that 2 months later she contacts you and wants to try again. You can never tell for sure with these things. No matter what, you will learn something new about yourself and life in a jiffy here with this situation. And that's awesome. Good luck to you. ps I see the wisdom in the other advice here as well. It's legit advice from their point of view, I can't argue any of it. You will have to draw your own conclusions and make your own call based on what you feel in your heart and intuition. Keep us posted and good luck.
dasein Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) She's crying at the prospect of losing attention supply. There's a good chance she's also crying because she has been screwing another guy(s) the whole time while acting totally different with you and the emotional resonance and guilt have become overwhelming. And she could also be crying due to her self-loathing at not being able to form attraction to a decent man of substance. But rest assured, the odds are negligible indeed that any of her tears are shed for you or on your behalf. They are shed for her. In the future consider never ever asking a woman to be your GF until she has accepted many dates from you and is enthusiastically responsive to your physical advances, up to and including sex. Wait for them to start hinting around about it, if not bringing exclusivity up directly. Then, once they open the door, it's a topic, until then, keep seeing as many women as you care to and always be cultivating other options. Without being obvious, make it very very clear that you have other options, and are weighing them all. Otherwise is disaster. It may sound a little gamey, but that is what -they- have dictated to -us- as being the best course for a man to have general success in his relationships. Otherwise they lose respect, accumulate disdain and will begin behaving badly and disrespectfully towards us. Never ever let a woman think she "has you" all the way, and that you don't have a foot close to, if not out the door. They have dictated that this is what works, and modify your behavior accordingly to gain more success with women. Edited March 31, 2012 by dasein
prune juice Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I don't think the crying is manipulation. I think she genuinely feels bad about the whole thing not working out, and she doesn't want to hurt you. It's probably not manipulation, it's probably very legitimate on her part. However, it just being friends with her would eventually drive you insane, than don't be friends with her. Just explain that to her. On the other hand, I have read MANY stories of men and women who were friends, where one liked the other more, and eventually the other one came around and it developed into a relationship. It's a hard call. You have to listen to your feelings and play it by ear. But, if you start to suffer emotionally, then call it off. Be honest with her and tell her why you can't be friends. It could be that 2 months later she contacts you and wants to try again. You can never tell for sure with these things. No matter what, you will learn something new about yourself and life in a jiffy here with this situation. And that's awesome. Good luck to you. ps I see the wisdom in the other advice here as well. It's legit advice from their point of view, I can't argue any of it. You will have to draw your own conclusions and make your own call based on what you feel in your heart and intuition. Keep us posted and good luck. just try being on the other end of it. just try. oh, your a female so you haven't experienced it, have you?
Forever Learning Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 just try being on the other end of it. just try. oh, your a female so you haven't experienced it, have you? Actually I've experienced alot and I do see the wisdom of ALL the advice given here. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Truth is you can't go wrong no matter what you do, you end up learning something either way. I know there's a wide spectrum and each piece of advice has all evolved from the giver's unique life experience. It's all good. My only point that I feel fairly sure about is that, I think the girl the OP mentioned was crying because she was sad and felt bad about the situation. I don't think she was crying as a means of manipulation. But that is only a guess on my part, and comes from my life's perspective. Cheers! 1
RedRobin Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I second the sentiment that the crying was not manipulation. I'll go a step further and ask why some of the posters feel that way and also, why they feel that some calm empathy (while maintaining their own emotional boundaries) isn't called for instead. I mean, under what circumstances, exactly, is a woman allowed to have emotions? Do you have any? Guys? Mostly I was rather disappointed to see the guys taking such a black or white view on it. Makes me wonder how they could manage things once said 'relationship' were obtained.
thatone Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I have been seeing her for 3 weeks now, a week ago i confessed my affection and she agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend so, i was slowly getting more intimate trying to find times we can be with each other between university work. While i havent kissed her yet, we were comfortable with sitting close and holding hands. And i been careful not to make any advances to fast that it resulting in letting me to back off or hold back. and here is where you went wrong. until she's having sex with you on a regular basis assume that any woman has one foot in the door. here's a novel concept that you haven't heard before apparently... women like sex just as men do you aren't some 19th century suitor looking around for a wife, you're a college student looking to get laid. so start doing the latter and quit pretending to be the former.
Author Genirene Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Well, just to give an update on how things progressed. So that in case anyone who reads this thread for future reference has an idea on what has conspired. Long story short. For 1 and a half weeks i was her friend, but i let her know about how i feel about her with complete honesty, then noticed her reaction to me increase and she admitted her feelings. everything went better after that. Dont want to go into much detail, but to anyone who is "friendzoned", its not the final stop sign, apparently everyone is different Thank you all for your suggestions and time you have dedicated to sharing your experiences. Have a nice day
RedRobin Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 That's great! Your measured approach, honesty, and willingness to give her (and other women) the benefit of the doubt will serve you well. Looks like you are on a good path. (despite those here who believe most women are just something to f*ck or out to manipulate you...)
joystickd Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 That's great! Your measured approach, honesty, and willingness to give her (and other women) the benefit of the doubt will serve you well. Looks like you are on a good path. (despite those here who believe most women are just something to f*ck or out to manipulate you...) We don't believe that but sometimes its the best thing to just walk away. Its all or nothing with me I am not going to settle for a friendzone. Its just a way to prevent someone with bad intentions to manipulate you. I think at some point most of the guys on here including me have dealt with a negative friendzone experience and don't want to deal with that again. so not need for the comment in parenthesis.
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