Hope4anangel Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 If you were a dumpee would NC help to try and get them back? Would they not just think you are moving on with your life? Long story but me and my bf (well ex bf) had to split up due to circumstance. He said he still loves me and didn't want to break up but felt there was no other choice. I want him back, I miss him like crazy. I wrote him a 4 page (!!!) letter, really it was just to get all my feelings out and I ended up leaving it for him. I don't even know if he's read it. Had NC for 3 days now and I just feel so sad and lonely. I miss him. I don't know if maybe he was making excuses for us to finish, I don't know. What is the best way to go about trying to get him back as well as try and move on just incase?
69ways Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 If you were a dumpee would NC help to try and get them back? Would they not just think you are moving on with your life? Long story but me and my bf (well ex bf) had to split up due to circumstance. He said he still loves me and didn't want to break up but felt there was no other choice. I want him back, I miss him like crazy. I wrote him a 4 page (!!!) letter, really it was just to get all my feelings out and I ended up leaving it for him. I don't even know if he's read it. Had NC for 3 days now and I just feel so sad and lonely. I miss him. I don't know if maybe he was making excuses for us to finish, I don't know. What is the best way to go about trying to get him back as well as try and move on just incase? NC is not a tool to get him back. I know that. You made your intentions clear. Now he has to work to get you back. Remain NC , you will come out as a better person. Nc is about you...trust me...NC is not always the solution but as you wrote a letter and made it clear, is your remaining defence mechanism....use it wise. If he truly loves you, NC will enforce his feelings and he will come back if not, you will be abetter person and well off without him.... Dont break NC 2
stillafool Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I'm so sorry for your pain. It seems to me that if you wrote him a 4 page letter and he hasn't responded to it and he was the one to end the relationship you should let it go. I'm guessing that your letter indicated that you want him back and if he wanted to do that he would contact you. I know it's hard but at this point perhaps you should try accepting that it's over so you can move forward and begin to heal. I think you both are doing NC at this point.
Author Hope4anangel Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Yeah, that's true. I poured my heart out in the letter and if he had any feelings, he would have text or something right? I just thought maybe he didn't know what to say to it? But that's no excuse. Maybe he has decided to go NC. I wonder sometimes whether him saying he loved me and didn't want to do this but had to as there was no other way was an excuse. He said all he could offer right now is being friends and just kept saying sorry. There are reasons for us breaking up because of a BIG change to his life and he was finding it hard to balance me and this big thing. God, I know I need to move on and accept it's over, it's just hard
69ways Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Yeah, that's true. I poured my heart out in the letter and if he had any feelings, he would have text or something right? I just thought maybe he didn't know what to say to it? But that's no excuse. Maybe he has decided to go NC. I wonder sometimes whether him saying he loved me and didn't want to do this but had to as there was no other way was an excuse. He said all he could offer right now is being friends and just kept saying sorry. There are reasons for us breaking up because of a BIG change to his life and he was finding it hard to balance me and this big thing. God, I know I need to move on and accept it's over, it's just hard it is hard but guess what, he does not feel the same...turn your love to anger and say :that piece of dog s... never really cared for me
stillafool Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Yes people often say "I really love you, but...." as an easy way out. The truth is he probably does love you but may not be in love with you anymore. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 The truth is he probably does love you but may not be in love with you anymore. Usually because he is "in love" with someone else. No NC is not a magic trick to make him love you back. It doesn't work that way. The fact is that IF he still has feelings for you then NC may help him come back in the right way and be better for the relationship in the long term. But if he does not have feelings, then there is nothing on heaven or earth you can do to make him come back. People generally do as they please. 2
MissStackhouse Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 The whole "NC" thing I've been reading about here...I really think the NC should be about you and your healing and getting over the BU. Please start taking steps to get over this. I have no idea how or why NC would work...but you should really focus on yourself right now, as much as it hurts and it sucks. I recently started doing Amelie Chances "Steps to Heal" program (google it) and its really helping me put things in perspective. If down the line he contacts you, you may already be healed and over him - as impossible as it looks and seems right now.
robkris8079 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 NC got my ex back! please read further though. Sure she realized she missed me. She couldn't imagine a life without me is what she said. Well she came back, we moved in together, made plans for our future blah blah blah. Then she did the same thing again a year later. I know NC won't work in this way this time. It's not what I'm trying for anyway nor the last time. I don't think I will ever go back to someone if they want to leave no matter how much they wanted me back. Too many fish in the sea.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 If you were a dumpee would NC help to try and get them back? Would they not just think you are moving on with your life? Long story but me and my bf (well ex bf) had to split up due to circumstance. He said he still loves me and didn't want to break up but felt there was no other choice. I want him back, I miss him like crazy. I wrote him a 4 page (!!!) letter, really it was just to get all my feelings out and I ended up leaving it for him. I don't even know if he's read it. Had NC for 3 days now and I just feel so sad and lonely. I miss him. I don't know if maybe he was making excuses for us to finish, I don't know. What is the best way to go about trying to get him back as well as try and move on just incase? He was being kind to cushion the blow. No halfway decent human being wants to hurt the other person, but if they want to leave the relationship, they will say I love you, but....., etc. NC is NOT to be used to get someone to come back-it is a way for YOU to heal. NC is for YOU, understand? And trust me and those on here who are in NC, it will help you heal with time. No reason to contact your ex unless you have children. Take one day at a time, but do not call him. 1
Author Hope4anangel Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Thanks for your replies. I did say to him that maybe he wasn't in love with me anymore and he said no, I am in love with you otherwise I wouldn't have done everything I have to save this relationship. I don't know, I just need to accept it's over and move on.
Author Hope4anangel Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Usually because he is "in love" with someone else. QUOTE] I don't think that is the case but you never know I suppose...Was hurtful to read that but yeah, anything is possible
Spartannation Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 It sucks that he is not responding to your letter. But sometimes it's for the best. My girlfriend went silent for 7 days and I wrote a 5 page letter laying all my feeling and thoughts about us on the table. She responded saying it was amazing and how she loved and missed me. We talked for about 2 weeks and now she has gone silent for 2. Never broke it off. He knows how you feel. Just go n.c. and let him sort his issues out. Work on yourself and healing. Keep your head up and stay strong. Here is a link to my story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/320030-girlfriend-trouble#post3907282
Lu17 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Hi. Im in the same situation right now. Mine is a long distance relationship, just seems like we'll never see each other again. When he thought our lives were going in different paths (he has a new very busy job which lead me to feel unwanted as he's always busy, its hard enough trying to talk already being on the other side of the world) I took the panic mode and emailed, text etc id panic if it took him a few hrs to reply. Looking back BIG MISTAKE. I went NC in Feb for a week then he started contacting me. We kept the conversation minimal but then something sparked off that panic feeling again, so i emailed again. Now 2nd time, I've learnt my mistake. Nothing is going to work with a guy by telling them your feelings right now. it just pushes them further away. I'm doing NC now, and i promise myself Im sticking to it until he contacts me. People say on here its about you time. I can't see it like that to start. I think this is going to work to get him back and then if it doesn't as time goes on it will hopefully turn into me time. Do your best to stick to No contact. I'm upset with myself I've made things worse and hoping there is still a chance. Hope you are ok.
Glove_slap Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 NC for three days? I've been in NC with the love of my life for a year and a half. She dated some guy she met literally 2-3 weeks after we broke up and she's still with him. That was almost 2 years ago. The only thing NC has done for me is helped me stop crying myself to sleep and took away and hope I ever had of us getting back together. Now that I think about it NC has actually done a lot.
budley12 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 NC for three days? I've been in NC with the love of my life for a year and a half. She dated some guy she met literally 2-3 weeks after we broke up and she's still with him. That was almost 2 years ago. The only thing NC has done for me is helped me stop crying myself to sleep and took away and hope I ever had of us getting back together. Now that I think about it NC has actually done a lot. How long did it take for you to stop having the nightmares/the urge to talk to them/to no longer care what they are doing at this moment... I am at 8weeks of NC from a 4month breakup. I want to break it because i feel that i can be civil, but i fear that afterwards I will become more upset again
Nohbody Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) If he comes back around, it will take a very long time. You actually do need to get on with your life, and give up the ghost of the relationship as best you can. the only thing is By the time he comes back, you may not want him anymore. Edited March 31, 2012 by Nohbody
lilyblue Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 How long did it take for you to stop having the nightmares/the urge to talk to them/to no longer care what they are doing at this moment... I am at 8weeks of NC from a 4month breakup. I want to break it because i feel that i can be civil, but i fear that afterwards I will become more upset again Hasn't worked for me yet. I am at 6 months of NC. This strategy does not seem to be working for me!
mike588 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 My ex. dumped me for her ex. 7 months ago and of course I was heartbroken. I so wanted to talk to her but after getting GREAT advise here I decided to go strict No Contact.....it wasn't easy and I fought the urges daily. Last month she contacts me several times. It's really the best thing you can do!!!! There is NO guarantee that your ex. will come back but it sure helps.
Glove_slap Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 How long did it take for you to stop having the nightmares/the urge to talk to them/to no longer care what they are doing at this moment... I am at 8weeks of NC from a 4month breakup. I want to break it because i feel that i can be civil, but i fear that afterwards I will become more upset again Well...we were together for three years and what she did to me was the ultimately betrayal. However one day it just came to me..that I can't blame her for leaving me like the way she blamed everything on me. The truth is it was both of our faults while at the same time none of our faults. We grew apart from each other, her friends influenced her negatively while I was trying to make something of my self. I won't lie to to you and say I'm perfectly normal now, the truth is I will never be the same person. Sometimes I look back and I hope I could go back to the old me but I'm kind of happy because through all of the pain, nightmares and thought after thought of the two of them together I have grown and now I'm a new stronger person. The day really stop crying yourself to sleep is the day you accept that the two of you won't ever get back together, I accepted that about a year ago and the road to recovery has not been easy. We we're already broken up for 8 months by then and had no contact for 2-3 months. I still miss her and think of her almost every day but I can tell you one thing for sure. I won't ever take her back.
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