casper12 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Their time togeather was highley toxic, abusive on all levels, and just extremely wrong she has lost alot of friends and it has costed her so much money from damage to rental properties, fines, counsiling, vandilised car i could keep going but the main one is that im afraid its going to cost her/ her life as she tells me she feels like giving up as he just batters her head with words and she cant even get a word in, me and her started seeing each other for 3-4months and in that time he would not leave her alone txt calls emails etc, she says she loves him and cares for him but he dosnt make her happy and she is in love with me, everything with me and her was going well then she went back to him & i was really busted up about that 4 days no contact then she tells me shes so sorry, couple days later she comes over to my house and said tha he was perfect and he would change but lasted two days then went back to himself and shes is just really confused and she cant figure out why she cant let go of him as their is no passion intamacy respect trust or any sof the thing you need to make it work- WHY CANT SHE LET GO??? im confused, but in love and dont want to abandon her
westrock Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 she says she loves him ... said tha he was perfect and he would change WHY CANT SHE LET GO??? im confused, but in love and dont want to abandon her Just as you are in love and don't want to abandon her, she can't let go for the same reason that you can't let go! She is in love and doesn't want to abandon him. She hopes he will change, and you hope that she will change. Do you see the similarities here? To answer your question, she can't let go likely because she has unresolved emotional feelings from the past. It could be anything from her past, likely a past relationship. What do you know about her past, in particular while growing up what kind of relationship did she have with her mother and father and what kind of relationship did her parents have with each other? The more important question is why do you date someone like this? You said that you don't want to abandon her. Do you have a fear of abandonment yourself? 1
MissStackhouse Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I'm sorry this is happening in to you. Many women in abusive relationships stay or go back to their abuser. Their abuser has some odd "power" over them. Listen, I know it's hard right now. Believe me - I understand how painful this is, but clearly this woman has psychological issues. A mentally balanced woman wouldn't put up with that abuse, go back to that abuse, etc. Abusive men like that don't change - a balanced woman knows this. Think towards the future and you will find someone who doesn't have these issues. ~hugs~
Ajax Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Why can't you let go of yours? I don't mean to be insensitive, but I think that's a legitimate question. If you want to understand her need to be with someone who's not right for her, start by understanding your own need to be with someone who's not right for you.
wilsonx Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Good ole bounce Paint them black and then jump back to them. Gigs is a mother Fer
mike588 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Their time togeather was highley toxic, abusive on all levels, and just extremely wrong she has lost alot of friends and it has costed her so much money from damage to rental properties, fines, counsiling, vandilised car i could keep going but the main one is that im afraid its going to cost her/ her life as she tells me she feels like giving up as he just batters her head with words and she cant even get a word in, me and her started seeing each other for 3-4months and in that time he would not leave her alone txt calls emails etc, she says she loves him and cares for him but he dosnt make her happy and she is in love with me, everything with me and her was going well then she went back to him & i was really busted up about that 4 days no contact then she tells me shes so sorry, couple days later she comes over to my house and said tha he was perfect and he would change but lasted two days then went back to himself and shes is just really confused and she cant figure out why she cant let go of him as their is no passion intamacy respect trust or any sof the thing you need to make it work- WHY CANT SHE LET GO??? im confused, but in love and dont want to abandon her Sounds familair..I re-connected with an old friend and we dated for about a year. During "out" time she told me numerous times about how unhappy she was with her ex...he just wasn't there for her...didn't make her feel special..lack of sex...he wasn't sweet blah blah blah. and I was the opposite and she loved me. They had only been broken up for a few weeks...maybe a months and they had an on again off again relationship. She swore and promised me she would NEVER go back to him!!! well..7 months ago she dumped me for him. I agree with the other poster/s.. there is/was just something about him(their ex.) that she...they just couldn't shake...she was still IN LOVE with him. Last I heard they had broken up again?
EgoJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Their time togeather was highley toxic, abusive on all levels, and just extremely wrong she has lost alot of friends and it has costed her so much money from damage to rental properties, fines, counsiling, vandilised car i could keep going but the main one is that im afraid its going to cost her/ her life as she tells me she feels like giving up as he just batters her head with words and she cant even get a word in, me and her started seeing each other for 3-4months and in that time he would not leave her alone txt calls emails etc, she says she loves him and cares for him but he dosnt make her happy and she is in love with me, everything with me and her was going well then she went back to him & i was really busted up about that 4 days no contact then she tells me shes so sorry, couple days later she comes over to my house and said tha he was perfect and he would change but lasted two days then went back to himself and shes is just really confused and she cant figure out why she cant let go of him as their is no passion intamacy respect trust or any sof the thing you need to make it work- WHY CANT SHE LET GO??? im confused, but in love and dont want to abandon her You are allowing yourself to get played. Fix it.
january2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Some people find it difficult to break emotional bonds that they've made. The contact keeps feeding that bond. Also, the change in energy between different relationships can be difficult to get used to, especially if you go from high drama toxic relationships to something that is relatively safe and nurturing. You can support her through this and hope that over time and strict NC, she will come around and have more room in her heart for you. Or you can accept that she may never completely let go and give you her whole heart, no matter how much she claims she wants to. 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 My ex wasn't over his ex wife. At first I thought he was, but all through the relationship he constantly talked about her and even showed me a trunk of pictures he had of her==they were married 18 years; she got tired of his abuse and left after the third time. He would call me by her name at least 6 times and was obsessed with having that extra income he missed after she left. People need to clean their yard before entering a new relationship. In your case, same thing; your ex didn't clean her yard and now you keep getting hurt. Enough. You don't need that, you will be subconsciously competing with this ex of hers that she refuses to heal from. Tell her it's over and go NC. She needs to heal from this other person before dragging anyone else into her life. Methinks people bring others in to get over the ex,but it rarely works. You are the rebound in this case and have put up with too much. I was taken places where he took his ex wife. He dedicated songs to me, which lo and behold...were 'their' songs. Humiliating. You do not need this; you want to be the only man of importance and priority in her life. Go forth and ignore. 1
mike588 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 My ex wasn't over his ex wife. At first I thought he was, but all through the relationship he constantly talked about her and even showed me a trunk of pictures he had of her==they were married 18 years; she got tired of his abuse and left after the third time. He would call me by her name at least 6 times and was obsessed with having that extra income he missed after she left. People need to clean their yard before entering a new relationship. In your case, same thing; your ex didn't clean her yard and now you keep getting hurt. Enough. You don't need that, you will be subconsciously competing with this ex of hers that she refuses to heal from. Tell her it's over and go NC. She needs to heal from this other person before dragging anyone else into her life. Methinks people bring others in to get over the ex,but it rarely works. You are the rebound in this case and have put up with too much. I was taken places where he took his ex wife. He dedicated songs to me, which lo and behold...were 'their' songs. Humiliating. You do not need this; you want to be the only man of importance and priority in her life. Go forth and ignore. I couldn't of said it better!!!
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I couldn't of said it better!!! Hey Mike!!!
mike588 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Hey Mike!!! Hi, I wish I would of known all this and payed closer attention to the red flags during my relationship. I should of known better...I'm 42 but believed and trusted her! 1
Author casper12 Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 i do see the a whole diffrent side of it now after reading all the post, and it has helped me, she cant let go because she had a disjointed up bringing and by parents that split up, and she has felt alone and abandoned, this guy has been the only consistant thing in her life regardless of their on/off toxic relationship and thats why i think she cant let go, plus she wants to break that cycle, think im on the right track with this! with me i cant let her go because i feel and know we are compatible less her baggage! and have grown attached to her and dont want to see her get hurt and can see past all the bull****!
wilsonx Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 i do see the a whole diffrent side of it now after reading all the post, and it has helped me, she cant let go because she had a disjointed up bringing and by parents that split up, and she has felt alone and abandoned, this guy has been the only consistant thing in her life regardless of their on/off toxic relationship and thats why i think she cant let go, plus she wants to break that cycle, think im on the right track with this! with me i cant let her go because i feel and know we are compatible less her baggage! and have grown attached to her and dont want to see her get hurt and can see past all the bull****! This is such bull**** propaganda that emotionally immature people post because they dont know how to accept a relationship being over. Lets blame the ex's parents and the ex's past. Maybe the ex just doesnt want to be with you anymore. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I'm not going to sit here and look at the skeletons in their closet because I have enough of my own that I do not have the right to judge someone else, especially one that I love 1
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 i do see the a whole diffrent side of it now after reading all the post, and it has helped me, she cant let go because she had a disjointed up bringing and by parents that split up, and she has felt alone and abandoned, this guy has been the only consistant thing in her life regardless of their on/off toxic relationship and thats why i think she cant let go, plus she wants to break that cycle, think im on the right track with this! with me i cant let her go because i feel and know we are compatible less her baggage! and have grown attached to her and dont want to see her get hurt and can see past all the bull****!Don't try to save her, even if it's for yourself. Abusive relationships require two to tango. Most often, these women get a dysfunctional rush from triggering extreme reactions from their abusive partners. They tend to believe that the extreme reactions mean the guy loves them more, otherwise why would he react so intensely? Let her go and move on. Until she's honestly willing to not only intellectually believe he's abusive but emotionally believe it, she'll always go back to him for more of the same. And even worse, if she finally lets him go, dollars are on that if she doesn't get it from you, she'll find a way to agitate for it hence create her foundational comfort zone of drama = love.
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