Sugarkane Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Thoughts? How did you deal? Would you do things differently?
tojaz Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Depends what you mean about taking sides. In My D, my ex laid a very strong groundwork before she ever let me in on the gag. There was so much being said in secret that it took me years to get the whole story. By the time she dropped the bomb, she already had all the support she needed and floated out like a breeze before I even knew what happened. I took a long time to restore my good name with friends and many people were just lost. The only way to deal, was for me to pretty much go through it alone and understand that I had no control over what people believed and spent a lot of effort trying not to start believing it myself. TOJAZ
worldgonewrong Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 What Tojaz said -- cheaters, walk-aways -- they've all got their deluded logic worked out in advance, and they've recruited people to swallow their baloney to fortify their horrible decision. The best thing to do is not go down the rabbit hole of trying to understand any of it. It's pure insanity. In the end, you know who your true friends are. 1
marqueemoon4 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Acknowledge there is nothing you can do about what perceptions/judgements other people make, rise above it and wash your hands of the whole situation. Period. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 This is the time that you find out who your true friends are. For me it was the other way around. Everyone saw what had happened and even her friends took my side. I even had a long-standing grudge with one of my friends that came to an end shortly after I got divorced, the guy is now my housemate and we're going skiing next year. Anyone that believes her BS stories about how you forced her to cheat, is not worth having as a friend anyway. 2
elfman Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Definitely the ****ed up thing here is that the WAS or the Cheater has more time to work on their relationships with common friends of the couple... They lay the groundwork for their decision, in my case it has gone like this: - She started telling key people who were our friends in common how "awful" it was to be married to me. (I have never cheated, never been violent, never been a bad father, etc., but she went ahead and painted me as a major jerk). - She started telling MY friends that it was impossible to live with me (she played on my defects, which we all have). - She started placing more and more emphasis on mundane defects and making them "larger and more relevant". - She dropped the bomb. It backfired immediately. I agree with PegNosePete, this will be the time when you will find out who your friends are, but more importantly, especially if you've had a strong relationship with your spouse's family, you will find out if they were honest about that relationship. In my case, without asking for their help or laying any groundwork on them, or trying to manipulate them, I've had a lot of support from them, saying they do not agree/understand/condone her behavior. (This is a temporal thing, since this is your spouse's family, they will eventually forgive ANYTHING he/she does, but it does make it easier to cope by confirming you are not "crazy"). Hope your situation, whichever it is, turns out ok for you. 2
worldgonewrong Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I agree with PegNosePete, this will be the time when you will find out who your friends are, but more importantly, especially if you've had a strong relationship with your spouse's family, you will find out if they were honest about that relationship. In my case, without asking for their help or laying any groundwork on them, or trying to manipulate them, I've had a lot of support from them, saying they do not agree/understand/condone her behavior. (This is a temporal thing, since this is your spouse's family, they will eventually forgive ANYTHING he/she does, but it does make it easier to cope by confirming you are not "crazy"). I thought, after 20 years, I had a strong relationship with my spouse's family. The f_ckers iced me.
tojaz Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 On the last part of the question, "Would I do things differently" thats a huge yes. Once you hit the point of bomb drop, the panic that hits you is unreal and like any trauma, the first thing you look for is something to stop the bleeding, in this case its someone to tell you that you are a valid person, that you are not the monster that your being portrayed as. Who you look to for that support makes a huge difference, both for your self and potentially in fighting for the relationship. For example, to have my friends and family tell me these things is really of little comfort, there going to tell you how swell you are even afterr they see you hide the body, next up the ladder are the mutual friends, unfortunately this is where the WAS has been laying the ground work behind the scenes with little bits of information here and there, by the time your in play its a potential ambush waiting to happen. At the top are obviously the other spouses friends and family. Theres a strong ally and a lot of comfort in knowing that while they will obviously support them, they have not been swayed by propoganda. All that doesn't really count for much in the real world, and trying to gather allies just turns the whole scenario into a competition and things get uglier. In my D the focus became more about proving my case then mending the rift between us... some wayward thinking that if enough people told her she was making a mistake, she would believe it too. Fact is those allies were just someone for her to hide behind. Long afterwards I kicked myself pretty good when I realized that I was focusing my best effort on people that really didn't matter, and things that didn't matter. Once the panic subsided, I realized that I ddin't really care what her friends or her parents thought of me, she was the only one that truly mattered, but by that time she was already firmly entrenched and waiting out the clock. To the OP, if this is where you find yourself now and are still trying to fight the good fight, forget about the others and work on healing the rift between you. Cure the disease rather then treating the symptoms. TOJAZ
jaymz Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I thought, after 20 years, I had a strong relationship with my spouse's family. The f_ckers iced me. Same here. My MIL lied to the police and I had a lovely day in the cells...
findingnemo Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I have some experience with this. When I left my H (separated) very few people knew why I left. My mother and sisters knew of the As he'd had and the violence but I told them just before the last episode. They sided with me. I had told his mother about the violence after the second time. When I left, my H started what I can only call a "black ops" campaign against me. He told everybody willing to listen that I had cheated with an ex, with my business partner and another man. He went so far as to confront them all saying that they can have me because he'd kicked me out. It was very clever. Suddenly the three men in question were adding fuel to the fire because they couldn't understand where the heck all this had come from. My H claimed that their protests only proved that he was right. His family joined the fray telling many people the same things my H said. His mother was the worst of them all. It took me months to recover from my injuries and to start socializing again by which time I had to tell my closest friends the truth. My H's stories were incredible And for those who knew me it was easy to figure out what was going on. My girlfriends decided to go on the offensive. A counter campaign of sorts. Let me just say I won in the court of public opinion but it took a while. When somebody is a liar, they will lie about many things, not just about their R. They will burn bridges with people close to them because that's how they operate. At first it may look like they are winning but at the end the truth always comes out. Today the very people that condemned me when I first left are the ones trumpeting how good a W I was and how my H is a loser. By the time they heard my side of the story, they were already having their own issues with my H. They switched sides real fast. Not that they really matter to me. They don't. I'm just telling you that the same people being negative today can easily turn positive tomorrow. Such is human nature. Give it time...but also tell the the truth to those that matter. The rest will figure it out soon enough.
jaymz Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Thoughts? How did you deal? Would you do things differently? I couldnt have done anything differently (atleast initially), as I was totally blindsided by the multi affairs. But I had read on here that true friends will not judge you until they hear your side of the story. I lost her family (they closed ranks and ignored me) and most of our mutual friends due to her telling them how bad I was and me "proving" it by staying in the house, getting arrested etc. I kept a handful of really good friends who have been a great help. I truly do know who my real friends are. As for the others? I have bumped into them on occasion and chatted around what had happened. Some have seen what she has been up to (she documented her great new life on FB) and seen her for what she really is but I have not tried to keep in touch with those friends, they seem "fair weather". Could I have done things differently? I dont think so. In a very wierd world of pain when it happens, I dont think I could have acted differently as I was emotionly and intelluctually stunned - its only reading stuff on here over & over again that made me actually start to do actions. Certainly wouldnt want to go through that hell again, even if I am better equiped now to deal with it.
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