I just lost my mom at 19.

[neveragain2493]

I'm not really sure what to say or where to start. I'm not exactly asking a question, just talking about how I feel and seeing where to go from here.

 

Last August, I started college about 45 minutes away from home. My mom called me about a week in and told me that she had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that had moved into her uterus. I pretty much had a breakdown, but she assured me that she had an amazing doctor and would pull through for me. She was incredibly optimistic and kept talking about all the things we'd do together after her recovery, so I tried to be strong for her. Her doctor recommended to do heavy chemo to shrink the tumor first, and then he'd go in to remove it.

 

She started chemo, and with even 5 treatments, she was doing wonderful. She still went out and walked like she used to, and she was still working. The doctor was so optimistic and told her that the tumor was significantly shrinking, so my spirits lightened a bit.

Around Christmas, she stopped working because she was too sick and tired to continue. Her right eardrum burst from pressure, and her equilibrium was imbalanced, so she couldn't walk. I took her to her doctor appointments over my Christmas break and had to support her so she could walk; she wouldn't stand for a wheelchair. It was then that her doctor told her they found a lesion about the size of a marble on her brain. I couldn't stop crying, and he told me not to worry a bit, that he was "going to do one radiation treatment and take care of it for good." After she had the radiation, she couldn't speak correctly for a few days. She had to spell everything out, and that terrified me. My granddad had to help her with everything (my parents are divorced).

 

A few times around Christmas, her doctor tried his hardest to put her in the hospital because her kidneys were slowly slipping into failure from rough chemo, but mom resisted until about mid-January. She was hospitalized and had to stop chemo so her kidneys would recover. Still, she was optimistic and talked about "just getting over these obstacles so the chemo could start again." In fact, I have a text saved where she stated that we would get back on track, and she told me how much she loved me.

In February, I turned 19. At the very end of the month is when things took a horrible turn. Her kidneys returned to completely normal, and when she attempted chemo again, she had a horrible reaction. With that being said, her body could no longer accept chemo at all, and her doctor "resigned himself from the situation and could do nothing else." Therefore, she was transferred to hospice, where she would eventually die.

 

My mom hid from me how sick she was, but when I found out, I was in complete shock until I got there. Basically, the nurses said, the cancer had spread to her liver, lungs and brain, and she had "days." When I talked to her for the last time, I apologized for any grief I ever caused her, and she totally understood. We talked about what a good life we had together through tears, and I promised I'd always be her baby and make her proud. A few days after, she fell into a state where she wouldn't wake up again. Her breathing was irregular, and her organs were shutting down. She held on for a week and a half, and she finally passed away on March 3rd. She was 49 years old. On that day, I was incredibly sad but relieved at the same time to see the pain and suffering stop. The night before she went, her lungs were congested, and she was literally so weak that she couldn't cough it up.

 

Since her death, I've had a rush of feelings. I'm angry at the doctor who gave her so much false hope and disappeared after he gave up on her. He didn't check on her once and resumed his life in which he gets a fat paycheck despite all the lives that have been lost because of him. I'm also angry that there is a God who would take her away for no reason, and it's made me question my beliefs a lot. I'm sad that I lost my best friend, the only person who knew me best. I'm guilty to be in college and leave my granddad by himself at the house. I'm extremely jealous to see my friends and even strangers out with their moms. I feel strange to come home and see her car and clothes, but not her. I'm stressed out in school as I try to make the dean's list again so I can make her proud. Simply put, I cry myself to sleep every night. The only thing I'm certain of is that there was nothing I could do to stop this. There's a big hole in my life in which she took part in everything, and now, there is nothing. I'm actually very strong, but even I break down.

I have amazing friends and a boyfriend of two and a half years to hold me together. My boyfriend's parents, who are basically another set of parents to me, let me stay whenever I please and are always there to talk. My granddad, though, is angry about it and says there's nothing we can do about it now but move on. I suppose that's his way of handling it.

 

I apologize for the length and depression in this story, and if you read it, then I thank you. When opening up to others, I feel slightly burdensome, so I feel a little bit better venting to strangers who willingly read this. If you have any input on what I can do or how I'm handling this, please let me know.

[Dust]

Time will help heal you. You'll never get over this... but you will learn to live with this and not be sad about it all the time. You'll learn to enjoy thinking about your mother instead of just missing her.

 

I'm mad at doctors too. Obviously if you could do it over again chemo wouldn't be an option. Thing is your mom made those decisions and they gave her hope. Live and learn its something for you to keep in mind when you get sick some day. My mom died too I was 13. She just all of a sudden had a heart attack on a Friday while I as at school. I never got to say good bye so atleast you have that. I still see her in my dreams sometimes and we talk.

[TaraMaiden]

There are people who live their entire, long and varied lives, with only an ounce of the feelings you and your mother had for each other.

It's not quantity that counts, it's the quality, and it sounds to me as if you did all the right things, you said all the right things and you engaged with your mother in a way many will never have a chance to.

My father died in 2010, and he was frail, elderly and incapable of any coherent communication for a good fortnight before he passed.

It's impossible to know whether anything we said to him actually got through and connected, but my mother and I were with him as he slipped away during the night.

 

Don't be angry.

It's such a destructive emotion. it eats away at you, and prevents logic, reason and compassion from surfacing.

I completely understand how resentful you must feel about this doctor, but maybe, from his point of view, he really believed he was going to be able to help her.

 

Remember that at one point, she resisted treatment, and at another, she withheld the severity of her condition from you.

She did that out of love, consideration and compassion for you, and that's sometimes why medics give hope - because they know putting an optimistic slant on a condition, can psychologically lift a person, and make things more positive... and positivity is actually a great healer.

 

You has the opportunity to speak to your mother, and assured her you would make her proud of you.

 

Take one day at a time.

I'm one who doesn't believe Time Heals. I believe Time just passes.

YOU heal.

And your mother would be desperately upset if you let her passing weigh you down more than it should.

 

Celebrate the close connection you two had. That's all too rare, nowadays.

Be glad that you had that chance to speak before she died, and cherish that moment, because you will always make your mother proud, no matter what you do.

she will be proud that you loved each other so much.

[CC12]

If you have any input on what I can do or how I'm handling this, please let me know.

 

I don't really know what you should do, maybe try some grief counseling? I do think you're handling it well, though.

 

Your anger at god and the doctor is understandable, but ultimately not very helpful to you. Your sadness and guilt and jealousy is also understandable, but again, not very helpful to you. Give yourself some time to mourn, but remember that you're going to have to pull through at some point and continue living without her. That's the nature of life, and I'm sure she would have wanted you to be happy and fulfilled, right?

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story made me cry a little, because I know I'll have to face something similar in the coming years. And I can't imagine how I will react. I hope I can be as sensible as you have been.

[Mack05]

This story brought me to tears. I can't imagine how you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you one big tight hug right now.

 

I think it's ok to feel anger. I think it's misplaced, but it's ok to feel it. Just try not to hold onto to that 'anger' for too long. As the old saying goes -> "Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die". I 100% agree with TaraMaiden's explanation of anger above.

 

I'm Catholic. I believe in god. I pray to god. But I would be lieing if I said my faith wasn't tested in the past (on a few occasions). When going through tough times in my life, my mother would say to me "god works in mysterious ways". I found that statement to be so annoying. There in things in life that we are never meant to understand. Why did god take such a beautiful person like your mother, when she was so young? Why do most weather anomalies like Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Earthquakes, Tsunami's seem to occur mainly in poor countries, whose people already suffer everyday? Why do so many beautiful children die from preventable diseases in parts of Africa, Asia, Latin and Southern America? etc etc etc etc.

 

When you go through tough times in our lives and we see so much misery in the world, its natural at times for our faith and beliefs to be tested. I guess (as hard as this can be) we just have to believe god has a plan for each and every one of us. I have never lost a parent, but I lost a grandmother who lived with me (and my family) for most of my life. I truly believe she watches over me. I truly believe she is an angel on my shoulder.

 

It's ok to take your time grieving and healing. Feel your emotions, don't avoid them. At times feeling your various emotions can be a very uncomfortable process. The key thing is to take your time and not to avoid these emotions. I think every person who goes through this kind of trauma in their lives, should seek grief counselling like CC12 suggested. You are 19. Your voyage as a woman is just starting, therefore this is such an impressionable age. I personally feel it would be more important for you to get grief conselling at this age, then it would be in your late 20's or onwards.

 

People that don't deal with grief in the right way (avoiding them, denying them, suppressing them) can suffer from delayed grief and other issues (which effect future relationships) later in their lives. My father suffered dealyed grief after he lost his parents in the space of 5 months. When his dad died 5 months after his mom I couldn't believe how well he was handling it. To be honest it freaked me out as you would never know there was anything wrong with him. About 9 months later the grief hit him like a train. It was horrible to see him go through this. I think counselling will help your grieve and heal in the right way.

 

I am going to PM you my email address neveragain. Please email me if you ever want to talk, vent or need encouragement. Your story really pulled some strings in my heart. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers. Take good care of yourself and when the time is right. make your mom proud. Tara is right. In time you will grow to appreciate the special bond you had with your mother. You come across as a great person and I hope your life turns out great for you..

 

Try view your mother like an angel on your shoulder. Life your life and honor her memory. Remember some of the last words you said to her "I promised I'd always be her baby and make her proud"

Edited March 30, 2012 by Mack05

[Frank13]

I am sorry to hear this,

 

There is no legitimate treatment for cancer and there never will be. The cut, burn, and poison methods make too much money for the medical establishment. Notice how when things got worse the doctor said "going to do one radiation treatment and take care of it for good".

 

Yep, she couldn't walk after the chemo and then she couldn't talk after the radiation yet the doctor told you not to worry a bit.

 

I hate to say it but your mom's doctor knew damn well she wasn't going to survive this. All he saw was dollar signs. The medical establishment destroys people with their phoney treatments as they did with your mother.

 

Most people don't know that one of the main side effects of chemo is cancer. That's why one of the chemo drugs is called "Red Death".

 

I would never give a dime for cancer research. It is all a fraud. Even the American Cancer Society is corrupt, pushing for a ban on electronic cigarettes because they were helping people quit smoking.

 

Sorry to vent but the topic of cancer and the fraud of the medical establishment and ruining the quality of people's lives with fake treatments is something I have been fighting against for years. I would never subject myself or anyone I love to cancer treatment.

[Whisky1981]

I am sorry. Your story literally brought me to tears. I understand you and I know how you feel. I lost my father suddenly at 22.

 

The only thing you can do is to live on your life. Stay close to your family to get trough this. You can be angry at whatever you want if that makes you feel slightly better although in this situation nothing can help you but your family. You all share the same grief and they are the only that really understand how you feel.

 

You will never forget this though the pain will become dull and eventually only the good memories will remain. It`s now been 8 years since my father passed away and I still dream and think about him at daily basis. The pain is not there anymore but the wish to go back and say goodbye or to do something in his last moments is always present (he was alone when this happened, doctors said that it was probably a stroke).

 

Again I am sorry.

[worldgonewrong]

Try view your mother like an angel on your shoulder. Live your life and honor her memory. Remember some of the last words you said to her "I promised I'd always be her baby and make her proud"

 

^^^

THIS.

 

 

neveragain2493: I'm so so sorry for you at this time. Honor your mother's spirit, which is very much alive; know that she wants happy things for you in this life. My love to you.

[youngster]

Neveragain I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers and condolences go out to you and your family. I don't have much to offer as advice but I will said a prayer for you and your mother.

[CopingGal]

I truly am sorry that that happened to you. You are in my thoughts.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, what a personal tragedy. Hopefully you got to feel a slight bit of relief here just from sharing.

 

As I read, I found myself so pleased that you had at least begun to go to college, and that your mother got to sense your life looking upward and optimistic as she faced the challenges she knew.

 

A woman is always most proud of her children, and you, just by living your life, gave her so much cause for that pride. The best thing you can do is rededicate yourself and feel your mother's inspiration as you move on toward ONE path, ONE eventual husband, and children of your own someday, in whom you will undoubtedly see some of your mother with every glance.

 

Time will certainly lessen the hurt and the impact, and hopefully you will be inspired to grow nearer to your boyfriend as you dare to show him even more of your vulnerability.

 

For right now, I think I might list the things that were your goals and targets in life, while your mom was doing better, in the early summer of 2011, and make an attempt at meeting those goals to the best of your ability.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[dollface07]

First I am so sorry for your loss I know first hand that no words can truly bring comfort to you the way your mother can...I used to feel guilty for thinking that if one of my parents had to go considering I am a female and such a mommie's girl I don't know how I would have survived/coped had it been my mother that passed away instead of my father...I love him too but it's somehow different when your are a female and lose your mother so I am so touched by your strength of character to withstand this difficult time in your life. Don't worry if you have to take off of a semester of college to recover emotionally from the loss I had to mid-way through the first term after my father passed away...be patient and gentle with yourself during this long term healing process. There is more I would like to write you but I will contribute more comments after my classes are finished tomorrow. Just know that your mommie is not gone she's just changed forms but you'll always always be able to feel her near. Just hold on things are going to be okay.

[jennisfora]

i dont think there are any words i could type that would help, but i wanted you to know that your story touched me, and that i am very sorry that you are going through this. *hugs*

[dollface07]

dear neveragain2493,

 

I hope you are feeling okay; please post any other concerns in this same thread we are all here for you no matter how long the healing process will take.

 

Warmest,

df

[shayla]

It is heartbreaking to lose your parents. I lost my mother in 2000 and my father last year.

 

It is good that you were able to talk and she was able to express the love she has for you...that will comfort you when you think of her. I think about my parents every day and at this point I can smile when I do think of them now.

 

Maybe the hospice has some counseling services they can provide for you, at least for several months. I found my fathers hospice nurses and social workers to be very comforting. They knew him and took care of them at the end and I know that he appreciated what they did for him. When I talk to them, it helps that they all knew him.

 

I pray for your strength.