SpicyHippo Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) Alright, so, I shall try to keep this short, simple, and concise. To make a long story short, when I was about 18, I was admitted onto a psychiatric ward (yes, this is an odd situation). While I was there, I met a woman whom I had much in common with. We ended up becoming good friends quite fast. By far, we each found ourselves getting along better with eachother than anyone else. And as I was being discharged, we both decided to do something extremely frowned upon: we decided to keep in contact and add eachother on facebook. It was still somewhat innocent at first, but after a while, we did end up having something of an emotional affair. We would often have long conversations over facebook chat, spilling our guts out and sharing our innermost thoughts and insecurities. We eventually started saying "I love you" to eachother, and though we never did anything more than hug, we would occasionally meet up for coffee, and on at least one occasion, it almost seemed like we would go further than that. And she told me she felt closer to me than even her husband. Anyways, this eventually all crumbled to **** when I decided to move away to another city, as she felt I was making a huge mistake. Without going into to many details and making this longer than necessary, she was right, and I ended up saying some harsh things and trying to tell her she was wrong. When I was informed of how her and her husband had been fighting about me, I especially said some harsh things, and basically called her a screw up who did it to herself. This whole emotional affair lasted a little over a year, and ended a few months before I turned 20. I just turned 21 a few months ago, and over the past year, I have had much time to mature and grow. And when I look back on it, I can't help but feel like I was such an *******, and that everything I did was completely unfair to her and her family(Married mother). Because, let's face it, I WAS an *******, and, being the other guy, I had a huge role in that situation. I knew she was married, I knew she had kids, yet I called her a screw up and blamed everything on her. --------- So, here's where the situation is now. When the affair ended, I unfriended her and she blocked me. About a week later, I emailed her a useless psuedo-appology(I basically said "I'm sorry you screwed yourself over, but my life is awesome in case you're wondering.") About two months ago however, I went to go write a note and saw that all the notes she wrote that I was tagged in before were back, sure enough, she has unblocked me. The other thing is, for about a few months before that, I started realizing how wrong I was, and I always wished I could somehow give her a REAL apology. Because, again, I was kind of a humongous jerkwad... I mean, it's horrible. I sometimes struggle to comprehend the fact I tore a family apart (don't know how they are doing now, last I heard was when we "broke up" and I found out her husband was mad at her because of me.) It is by far the biggest mistake of my life, and I sincerely wish I could go back and undo everything so that I didn't end up ruining a family... especially considering how stressful her life was even before I was in the picture. I wish I could have taken back all the hurtful things I said, and made it so she got the help she needed, the help she would have gotten were I never in the picture. Basically, I am seriously considering sending her a message explaining how wrong I was, how unfair I was, and telling her that she was right about everything, and how I indeed played a huge role in the problems she had. I'm not even sure why she unblocked me after a year, I almost think it's her way of allowing me to appologize if I ever wanted to or something, I mean, she had me blocked for at least a year before that. AT the same time, maybe she doesn't want to hear from me. And if she doesn't, I don't want to bug her or make the situation worse. So here are my questions: For cheaters, if you had blocked the other person for over a year, for what reason might you unblock them? Like I said, I kind of think it's because maybe she is waiting for an apology or something, but I really don't know what to make of it. For both cheaters and victims of cheating, how would you feel about this? could ANY good come out of this? Or would I just make the situation worse? It's not even really just her, but everyone in general. Would an apology be received after all this? I want to make this situation "right", but I cannot undo all that is done, so the best thing I can think of is admit that I was wrong, and that what I did was unfair to her and her family. I really don't even know. If that could provide anything positive, even if it is just... closure and stuff, then I would really like to. But if not, I rather wouldn't. At the same time, the guilt inside tears me up... Idk. If this were you... would you even believe me after I gave such a backhanded insult of an apology a year prior? EDIT: Sorry for the novel, this looked a lot shorter on preview, yeesh.... important stuff in bolded. Edited March 30, 2012 by SpicyHippo
findingnemo Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Spicy, Send her the apology on FB but leave it at that. Write what you've written here. Tell her how you feel responsible for your part in the A and apologize for calling her names. That being said... I want to caution you that renewing contact with this woman is a bad, bad idea. While sending her an apology is noble, examine what it is you really want. You may want to be friends again but your mind is calling it something else. If you feel anything for this woman other than sorry for hurting her family, do not send the apology.
Author SpicyHippo Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Spicy, Send her the apology on FB but leave it at that. Write what you've written here. Tell her how you feel responsible for your part in the A and apologize for calling her names. That being said... I want to caution you that renewing contact with this woman is a bad, bad idea. While sending her an apology is noble, examine what it is you really want. You may want to be friends again but your mind is calling it something else. If you feel anything for this woman other than sorry for hurting her family, do not send the apology. Therein lies the problem. I realize this is an incredibly brittle situation, that must be handled with extreme care, were I to go through with this. I do not wish to cause any more turbulence, and truth be told, I almost do not want to go through with it, simply because I worry that no matter how I approach it, I would only end up making things worse. It's just that, were I to simply leave it the way it is, without ever trying to apologize (in an honest manner), I feel as if that in itself might be unfair in it's own right. To walk away, and go on as if everything I had done were seemingly nothing... and then I think of her husband, and it makes me think that he never wants me in either of their lives again, even for an apology... But in any case, the tone of your reply has so far persuaded me towards just leaving it be. Though I don't think there is a "good" way to handle it, the vibes in your post make me feel as if just leaving it be would be the better choice...in any case, thanks for the reply.
seren Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 As a XBS my advice would be to block her and just leave it be. You say you have moved on, then do so, see it as a painful learning experience and leave it at that. Any message sent from you would mean a message back and so it begins. I would put it in the file in my head marked, that was then, this is now.
Kidd Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 An affair is like an addiction. She was addicted to you, a substance that felt good but that was ultimately bad for her. She didn't want it to end. If you renew contact, you will stir up all kinds of feelings that she doesn't need. She'll have had one more hit and at minimum, the emotional affair is back on for her. She'll be hoping for more to develop. I don't get the impression that this is what you want. For her sake, you need to not stir up her emotions for you. As well, how do you think her betrayed husband would feel about her renewed contact with you? The fact is that for her to have any hope of reconciling with her husband, she needs to remain in no contact with you for life. I also tend to think that your motivation here may be for you to assuage your own guilt. Gently, that is somewhat selfish. It's not meant to be a slam; I just mean to point out that it serves your purposes moreso than anyone else's. If you were going to make any apology, you might consider making one to the betrayed husband. Sometimes that can be well-received and even bring some closure for him that you will remain out of the picture (usually they still hate your guts for your role in devastating their family). If she contacts you in the future and you find she is divorced, there's your opportunity to offer an apology to her. Otherwise, let her heal and learn from this lesson never to do this to anyone again.
Owl Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Agree with Seren. Demonstrate your OWN maturity and intelligence by blocking her and moving on in your own life.
Author SpicyHippo Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Much thanks for the replies... I suppose there is no real way for me to right my wrongs, in this case. I have decided to just leave it as it was and not attempt to say anything or apologize for myself. It'll be tough, I honestly can't help but feel deep shame and contempt for myself for being at the center of such a mess... but, I do think now that there is no possible way to make it better... although, I may very well apologize to her husband... thank you for your input everyone. It is greatly appreciated.
Bellechica Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 As a WW fairly new with NC and who tried to end the A with a Divorced OM, please do not respond. I think any contact could trigger old feelings. Let her be there for her kids and H. Block her
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