NopeNah Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 With someone you really care about..but,It's not about them... It's about you! I'm done carrying "passengers"! Dumper's hurt too guys!
jennisfora Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 i know dumpers can feel pain, not sure what you are looking for? You want validation that your feelings are correct? breaking up isn't easy. I know my "dumper" secluded himself and drank himself silly at first feeling all guilty and depressed for a couple weeks after dumping me. If the "dumper" is a jerk, or a narcissist, they probably aren't feeling much, but if the "dumper" was a good person who just felt they needed to get out, then, yeah, of course they feel pain. Mine was a good guy, i still miss him. my only greivance is that he didn't communicate that he wanted out and led me to believe that he wanted more than he did. I wish he had talked to me, because I wanted marriage, because, partly, that I thought it was important to him, and something that he wanted. Now, anything i do comes off wrong, and i just have to let him go. Seems like a real waste. But yeah, i have no doubt he is hurting, although not in the same way as I am. I do believe most "dumpers" think about leaving for a while, and process some of the breakup before leaving, giving them a head start in getting over the pain, if you will. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 when people come here with broken hearts, and tales of being dumped, that's what we get. the tale of Being Dumped. we don't simultaneously get the dumper's view. What I find in an awful lot of threads from guys who come in, lamenting the end of their relationship, is that they admit to certain traits they feel contributed to the break-up... being controlling, being insecure, being insensitive, being a jerk....not treating her the way they should have done.... And an awful lot of threads from ladies who come in lamenting a broken heart, admitting they were clingy, possessive, jealous, needy, pushy, 'going too fast'.... and scant attention, if any, is paid to these admissions, immediately. We never ever get the full picture. We rarely know all about these people, we don't know what they look like, what they do, what their home lives are like, upbringing, siblings, past experiences, education, habits, tendencies, height, weight, hair colour.... Wait.... what?! Height, weight, hair colour...? What do they have to do with anything?! Well, actually, a lot. Because we make our minds up about people within 1 - 2 minutes of meeting them. and we appraise people on appearance first and foremost.... we're visual animals, and we need "The whole picture" to be able to evaluate things. Here? We get words on a page. so we get the words on a page someone decides to write. And that's what reaches out to us. Which is why I keep hammering home the 'No Contact' guide. because it works both ways. It lets people off the hook from perpetuating heartbreaking behaviour. and I really, myself, need to train myself to remember that in every break up, there are 2 people involved, not one. And someone, somewhere, is also nursing a broken heart, possibly. They're just not telling us about it. 3
EgoJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 when people come here with broken hearts, and tales of being dumped, that's what we get. the tale of Being Dumped. we don't simultaneously get the dumper's view. What I find in an awful lot of threads from guys who come in, lamenting the end of their relationship, is that they admit to certain traits they feel contributed to the break-up... being controlling, being insecure, being insensitive, being a jerk....not treating her the way they should have done.... And an awful lot of threads from ladies who come in lamenting a broken heart, admitting they were clingy, possessive, jealous, needy, pushy, 'going too fast'.... and scant attention, if any, is paid to these admissions, immediately. We never ever get the full picture. We rarely know all about these people, we don't know what they look like, what they do, what their home lives are like, upbringing, siblings, past experiences, education, habits, tendencies, height, weight, hair colour.... Wait.... what?! Height, weight, hair colour...? What do they have to do with anything?! Well, actually, a lot. Because we make our minds up about people within 1 - 2 minutes of meeting them. and we appraise people on appearance first and foremost.... we're visual animals, and we need "The whole picture" to be able to evaluate things. Here? We get words on a page. so we get the words on a page someone decides to write. And that's what reaches out to us. Which is why I keep hammering home the 'No Contact' guide. because it works both ways. It lets people off the hook from perpetuating heartbreaking behaviour. and I really, myself, need to train myself to remember that in every break up, there are 2 people involved, not one. And someone, somewhere, is also nursing a broken heart, possibly. They're just not telling us about it. I'm inclined to agree with the bulk of this, provided there are no lies and games.
TaraMaiden Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 but there always are. Because people always come in with an agenda. everything is going to be from their own point of view. it may not be deliberate deceit, but it's coloured, just the same... there was one memorable occasion when a guy came in and created a long thread on his wife's infidelity and mistreatment of him - and then she came in with a counter-thread - and that's when the 'whole picture' emerged. 1
EgoJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 but there always are. Because people always come in with an agenda. everything is going to be from their own point of view. it may not be deliberate deceit, but it's coloured, just the same... there was one memorable occasion when a guy came in and created a long thread on his wife's infidelity and mistreatment of him - and then she came in with a counter-thread - and that's when the 'whole picture' emerged. I fail to see how a picture can change with regard to fidelity. The obvious exceptions excluded.
TaraMaiden Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 ...."the obvious exceptions excluded." And those would be....?
EgoJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 ...."the obvious exceptions excluded." And those would be....? Where both partners are cheating and it becomes a game of who can hurt who more or someone is delusional about commitment. Truth is, if someone is being honest, commited and open and someone else is playing head games...our main go to ideal which is NC is just that. Opting out of games or showing inner strength etc. I get the whole picture idea, I agree with it as I am a person who seeks the objective truth in all things. I want data, I want a workable theory; not just bits of correlative information. I am more inclined to believe someone reaching out for help than someone running away from a problem. Whether a relationship truly isn't working or there is something else going on (more often the latter, in my opinion, even though it could translate to the former, that is a topic for another day and thread) is irrelevent to me when I am trying to give advice or help. This does not mean I always believe what is posted or do not read into things, patterns and situations I am familiar with. A side note, sometimes things are so ****ed up that people end up in a toxic situation which becomes a game (as mentioned at the beginning) of who can hurt who more. I'd like a link to the threads about the husband and wife who "counter-posted" because just hearing about it makes the hairs of my neck stand up in suspicion of ego posturing. 1
cflowers32 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 i know dumpers can feel pain, not sure what you are looking for? You want validation that your feelings are correct? breaking up isn't easy. I know my "dumper" secluded himself and drank himself silly at first feeling all guilty and depressed for a couple weeks after dumping me. If the "dumper" is a jerk, or a narcissist, they probably aren't feeling much, but if the "dumper" was a good person who just felt they needed to get out, then, yeah, of course they feel pain. Mine was a good guy, i still miss him. my only greivance is that he didn't communicate that he wanted out and led me to believe that he wanted more than he did. I wish he had talked to me, because I wanted marriage, because, partly, that I thought it was important to him, and something that he wanted. Now, anything i do comes off wrong, and i just have to let him go. Seems like a real waste. But yeah, i have no doubt he is hurting, although not in the same way as I am. I do believe most "dumpers" think about leaving for a while, and process some of the breakup before leaving, giving them a head start in getting over the pain, if you will. Jenn, every time I read your post, I think, "that's me too".
cflowers32 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 but there always are. Because people always come in with an agenda. everything is going to be from their own point of view. it may not be deliberate deceit, but it's coloured, just the same... there was one memorable occasion when a guy came in and created a long thread on his wife's infidelity and mistreatment of him - and then she came in with a counter-thread - and that's when the 'whole picture' emerged. There are always two sides which is why I am not so mad at him. I totally get my X's point of view, and then I have mine also. You are right and it should be considered. "We all play a part".
TaraMaiden Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Oh trust me - 'ego-posturing' doesn't even begin to cover it.... i can't give you a link, I'd really like to - but maybe one of the long-term regualrs, like Carhill, Donnanaybe or Art_Critic can also remember it happening....
69ways Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 With someone you really care about..but,It's not about them... It's about you! I'm done carrying "passengers"! Dumper's hurt too guys! If you read peoples stories here, the majority are not complaining or needing support because of the break up but because of what follows or happened before the break up. Yes the dumper hurts but does he/she hurts when they are like:I am breaking up with you because I met someone..... I am not sure if I want to be with you anymore (see the word sure) I am leaving you because you are fat (check the forum for this thread) In my case dragging me for 14 months with not sure if I want you back and leaving me a few months b4 the wedding for no apparent reason.... Yes you hurt but in most cases you are done with the dumpee, you take advantage of the dumpee not knowing you will leave them and you get over them while you are in a relationship. Yes you hurt but its rare, usually is not pain you feel but an inner fight with your messed up feelings, guilt and ego...... TaraMaiden said we only hear the dumpees version on LS. Well Tara, thats because Dumpers dont feel enough pain for them to pursue registering on a forum and asking the support of people he does not know. I have never seen an advice given to a dumper here, never, I am sure there must be the odd one though. Breaking up aint easy but it was your call..... 1
chloe56 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Not really sure why I am wading in, here goes... I am a dumper and came on here for help and support. Sometimes these labels as in dumper/dumpee are mere technicalities.
robkris8079 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 dumper dumpee talk really has me confused actually. I have not a clue where I stand. She ended our relationship with her actions, I ended it with the words. No fighting, bitterness, or infidelity. Though I'm pretty sure she was starting to get interest in someone. I have no clue what I am at this point. She probably would have carried on the relationship much longer and been miserable just so she wouldn't have to hurt me. Then gotten so distant, cold, and unavailable to me to the point where I had to break it off. Well that is exactly what happened actually. But I think I did it much sooner then she was expecting. Either way I gave her what she wanted and that was a way out. It hurts and I still wanted to be in it with her but that saying "it takes two" is the truth. I was giving 110% in the relationship and she was giving -10%. Sad because only several months ago it was definitely 50/50. 1
69ways Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Not really sure why I am wading in, here goes... I am a dumper and came on here for help and support. Sometimes these labels as in dumper/dumpee are mere technicalities. technicalities....pssss it shows a lot about you. Cold blooded in my opinion. It shows you dont really comprehend what heart broken means
TaraMaiden Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 That's both biased and unkind. It's also uncalled for, but you probably feel bitter. And i understand that. but blame and responsibility are two different things..... blame is proportional. responsibility is equally divisible. while one partner may be vastly more 'to blame' for the rift and break, both partners are equally responsible for the upkeep, maintenance and growth of a relationship. and when there is a rift, each person has to seek their role in the incident, however painful it might be.....
chloe56 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 No offence taken, I suppose I should have explained better. Take robkris's story, technically he was the one that called time on the relationship but in reality his gf had being on her way out. Sometimes the world is full of grey areas. Just saying.
Whisky1981 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 He he....yes it is really hard to be the dumper especially when you realize that you did the most idiotic thing in your life....but then it is too late. Sooooo...I dont feel your pain really . 1
jennisfora Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Tara, I'll be honest with you...the role in my breakup was lack of communication. But I can't take responsibility, because it wasn't on my end. I did nothing. He even told me, I did nothing, and that it isn't my fault, and that there is nothing I can do. I was just myself, and he just turned 40. I can't take responsibility because I have no idea what I did. I can however, take responsibility for what I do now, and to take care of myself, and not waste my life pining over someone else. But for the breakup? One person opting out is enough to cause a breakup. The dumpee didn't necessarily "do anything." Sometimes these things just happen. 1
robkris8079 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 He he....yes it is really hard to be the dumper especially when you realize that you did the most idiotic thing in your life....but then it is too late. Sooooo...I dont feel your pain really . I didn't do anything idiotic. She clearly wanted to be out with her actions. I obliged by having the courage, strength and enough love for her to say the words. Yes I said it, I dumped her because I loved her. This might not make sense to anyone but it does to me. She was not happy at the end for whatever reasons. Should I have continued on with her being unhappy which actually made me unhappy. Before anyone says you could have talked to her and tried to work it out that is BS. I did try and talk to her and I got "we're fine" and "everything is ok". If she isn't going to communicate I can not make her. If she was out of the relationship I could not bring her back in, if she is not happy I can not make her happy. I was all in the relationship. I was the best me I could be and never hurt her in anyway. But the best me was just not what she wanted. Tara, I'll be honest with you...the role in my breakup was lack of communication. But I can't take responsibility, because it wasn't on my end. I did nothing. He even told me, I did nothing, and that it isn't my fault, and that there is nothing I can do. I was just myself, and he just turned 40. I can't take responsibility because I have no idea what I did. I can however, take responsibility for what I do now, and to take care of myself, and not waste my life pining over someone else. But for the breakup? One person opting out is enough to cause a breakup. The dumpee didn't necessarily "do anything." Sometimes these things just happen. I agree, sometimes these things do just happen. I was not perfect but there nothing that she could have pinpointed that made her want to be out. It was just loss of feelings and her not seeing me as her forever.
jennisfora Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I think sometimes, they think they know who you are, and fall in love with a perceived image of you, and then when they actually see you over a period of time, they get disillusioned. They go, but I thought they were like this...and then they aren't in love with you, because they were in love with the fantasy perfect version of you which doesn't exist. Not the case with everyone, of course, but the infatuation stage can feel like love to a person, and when that dies down, they may discover that their feelings aren't as deep as they thought. Still, if this happens, I can't say the dumpee did anything wrong. (unless they intentionally mislead the person into thinking they were something they were not.) When you have two people, alot can go wrong. Sometimes it is fixable, sometimes it is not. I think being yourself is important, if they don't want you as you are, they don't want you as much as it sucks. 2
Whisky1981 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I didn't do anything idiotic. She clearly wanted to be out with her actions. I obliged by having the courage, strength and enough love for her to say the words. Yes I said it, I dumped her because I loved her. This might not make sense to anyone but it does to me. She was not happy at the end for whatever reasons. Should I have continued on with her being unhappy which actually made me unhappy. Before anyone says you could have talked to her and tried to work it out that is BS. I did try and talk to her and I got "we're fine" and "everything is ok". If she isn't going to communicate I can not make her. If she was out of the relationship I could not bring her back in, if she is not happy I can not make her happy. I was all in the relationship. I was the best me I could be and never hurt her in anyway. But the best me was just not what she wanted. I was speaking in general. I dont know your case. But in general the dumper totally have it easier then the dumpee. If she is fine with the BU then great. You`ll both live hapily ever after and that is what counts.
Author NopeNah Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 I wasn't looking for anything posting this really....but, it does suck having to end it with someone who either refuses to or can't change their ways/attitude. It's actually quite sickening! I wish her the best but refuse to continue down that path! I and she both deserve to be the happiest as possible and so does everyone here! Embrace this new found "freedom" you/me/she has been given and rule your world!
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 If you read peoples stories here, the majority are not complaining or needing support because of the break up but because of what follows or happened before the break up. Yes the dumper hurts but does he/she hurts when they are like:I am breaking up with you because I met someone..... I am not sure if I want to be with you anymore (see the word sure) I am leaving you because you are fat (check the forum for this thread) In my case dragging me for 14 months with not sure if I want you back and leaving me a few months b4 the wedding for no apparent reason.... Yes you hurt but in most cases you are done with the dumpee, you take advantage of the dumpee not knowing you will leave them and you get over them while you are in a relationship. Yes you hurt but its rare, usually is not pain you feel but an inner fight with your messed up feelings, guilt and ego...... TaraMaiden said we only hear the dumpees version on LS. Well Tara, thats because Dumpers dont feel enough pain for them to pursue registering on a forum and asking the support of people he does not know. I have never seen an advice given to a dumper here, never, I am sure there must be the odd one though. Breaking up aint easy but it was your call..... I am pretty sure mine felt no pain being a borderline personality/narcissist.
Author NopeNah Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 I am pretty sure mine felt no pain being a borderline personality/narcissist. That's why I ended mine..too much selfishness going on with her. She's,I'm sure, taking it more lightly than me..cool! I'm over the nonsense.
Recommended Posts