sweetsmmr91 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I realize as you get older it's more acceptable to have sex earlier in the dating process, but how soon is too soon? Is there a point that just makes you lose respect for the woman if she sleeps with you? Is it a deal breaker for a relationship - like you wouldn't get into a serious relationship with a girl who had sex with you on the first date? My best friend says he knows he's not going to marry the girl he's currently dating because they had sex on the first date. Is this normal or is he just nuts? This might have been mentioned before, but it's really bothering me. I have a general rule that I don't have sex until after I'm in a relationship with a guy, but that's kind of recently been thrown away, and I'm wondering if it changes things for guys. If you're less likely to see them in a certain "girlfriend/future wife" light? (Oh and yes I totally see the double standard that the guy can lose respect for a woman for having sex with him on the first date, even though he was there having sex too.. sexist pigs blah blah society sucks) I'm not sure if this has been discussed before, if so lead me to it! I'm really interested!
veggirl Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Why is your friend dating this girl if he has that opinion? Current BF and I slept together on the 3rd date. He was the first new person i'd slept with since frequenting LS, and I was totally paranoid he'd think I was a whore / not R material after that! Fking LS!
Author sweetsmmr91 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Why is your friend dating this girl if he has that opinion? Current BF and I slept together on the 3rd date. He was the first new person i'd slept with since frequenting LS, and I was totally paranoid he'd think I was a whore / not R material after that! Fking LS! Haha oh jeeze, I'm still new here! I have yet to start questioning all my dating moves but I do see that I'm more questioning how crazy I sound when I speak! Haha, that's going to be the side effect of frequenting LS, dating paranoia. Great! I'm not sure why he's with her, but she's definitely out of his league looks-wise so maybe he's just enjoying it while he can? I told him he really needs to break up with her and stop leading her on because she's close to his entire family... but he seems to not care too much right now. I guess he figures he's only 21, he's not in any hurry and can enjoy dating a girl who has to be at least a 9 when he's like a 5 looks wise- and he usually dates 5s.. That's my theory anyways.
oldguy Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 It depends on; values, age, experiences, and wants, such as the type of relationship your looking for. In general people like a little bit of chase. Being a little hard to get is actually effective, up to a point, if you want a long term relationship. Also, I think sex to soon can result to often into no more than a FWB relationship. Of course if that's what your looking for go for it 1
veggirl Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 It depends on; values, age, experiences, and wants, such as the type of relationship your looking for. In general people like a little bit of chase. Being a little hard to get is actually effective, up to a point, if you want a long term relationship. Also, I think sex to soon can result to often into no more than a FWB relationship. Of course if that's what your looking for go for it Oldguy has a point. If you have sex too soon, you do really run the risk of the relationship becoming all about sex...just hanging out til you have sex and all that. I suppose if you have sex early on, you may have to make an effort to make sure the relationship still develops based on things other than the sex.
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 OP, just to be safe, I'd never do it on the 1st date or even the 2nd. Even the third date might make you look "easy" to some guys, but you can't predict how some guy is going to perceive you, so I say don't worry about it. I think you should do it when you want to (just leaving out dates 1 and 2) and let the chips fall where they may. (It may seem a bit contradictory to say "do it when you want, but just not on date 1 and 2." (I guess that's just my general concession to the whole 'judgment-avoidance' thing). If he judges me for doing it on dates 1 and 2, I think he might have a point. If he judges me for doing it dates 3 and beyond, I just think...who needs him anyway. I got naked on date 2 with a guy I dated recently. We didn't do it but we got naked. We had sex on date 4. The date 2 might as well have been doing it because I was...well, naked and I let him finger me. But anyway. The guy didn't judge me; he wanted a relationship. I like guys who are normal and don't freak out about sex.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 It also depends if you've known the person or lived or worked around them for long enough to establish that you have the mad hots for each other. In that case I think it's OK to have a momentous toss. But if you just met someone off a dating site or in a bar or parking lot or something, that's a bit low rent and not smart to throw yourself into. Even the scenario where you think you know someone can come apart hard if they turn out after you've been in each other's groins a few times to be a neurotic nut job or something. So, my life experience says be kinda sure you know this person on the inside a bit before going carnal knowledge with them. 1
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 It depends on; values, age, experiences, and wants, such as the type of relationship your looking for. In general people like a little bit of chase. Being a little hard to get is actually effective, up to a point, if you want a long term relationship. Also, I think sex to soon can result to often into no more than a FWB relationship. Of course if that's what your looking for go for it Yeah, I agree with that, too. And I think it can happen (that the relationship becomes about 'just sex') even if the two people don't want it to, even if they do like each other as people. The sex just gets them very lusty to where that's all they want to do at first. They end up, at some point, having to back up and say (to themselves)...let's get to know each other more. No harm is really done as long as they do get to that point and start getting to know each other. But a guy shouldn't just dump you for having sex quickly. If he does, just forget about him.
starla33 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I would wait at least 4+ dates and then make sure hes not sleeping with anyone else at the same time. 1
Author sweetsmmr91 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I would wait at least 4+ dates and then make sure hes not sleeping with anyone else at the same time. Oh yeah, definitely have to be sure they're not sleeping with anyone else first.. at least for me. I was thinking more time frame. I've been dating this guy for over a month and a half, and we've hung out 2+ times per week. Had sex after the first month.. I guess that's not really soon for some people, but for me it is! Anything before relationship seems early to me! You all make good points though, I don't want to be in the FWB zone, so maybe I'll have to make sure it's not headed that way! Although I can't decide if it's a dick move to hold out sex til he decides he's ready for a relationship... haha.
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I realize as you get older it's more acceptable to have sex earlier in the dating process... Hmph. I actually think the reverse is true...
Author sweetsmmr91 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Hmph. I actually think the reverse is true... I see what you mean, I guess what I'm thinking is it's more common when you're young (early 20s) to be wanton and free and have sex with whoever.. but when you're older and looking for a serious relationship I think it's more common to have sex earlier in the dating process without it being an issue at all. Or viewed badly. Because sex is less of a big deal. I could be wrong though. Maybe sex isn't a big deal at any age? Or maybe it's just a big deal to different people.
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I realize as you get older it's more acceptable to have sex earlier in the dating process, Hmph. I actually think the reverse is true... I feel like I've noticed it (what sweetsmmr91 says). I think it makes sense because older people aren't new to sex; they don't put as much stigma on it. Also, the way I've heard it before is that older people are wearier with life in general than younger people. They're more sympathetic to -- and less judgmental of -- the idea of another adult simply needing some sexual healing.
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I see what you mean, I guess what I'm thinking is it's more common when you're young (early 20s) to be wanton and free and have sex with whoever.. but when you're older and looking for a serious relationship I think it's more common to have sex earlier in the dating process without it being an issue at all. Or viewed badly. Because sex is less of a big deal. You're kinda contradicting yourself. IME: When you're young - as you said - you're wild and free, and sex is less of a big deal. When you're older, and relationships are more meaningful, intimacy is more special and sex is a bigger deal. At least that's how it's evolved for me. Guys didn't bat an eyelash when girls slept with them quickly back in my college days. But now (early 30s), my guy friends are really put off by women who hit the sack before exclusivity and a number of dates. 2
starla33 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Oh yeah, definitely have to be sure they're not sleeping with anyone else first.. at least for me. I was thinking more time frame. I've been dating this guy for over a month and a half, and we've hung out 2+ times per week. Had sex after the first month.. I guess that's not really soon for some people, but for me it is! Anything before relationship seems early to me! You all make good points though, I don't want to be in the FWB zone, so maybe I'll have to make sure it's not headed that way! Although I can't decide if it's a dick move to hold out sex til he decides he's ready for a relationship... haha. Oh yeah that is great actually, no sex before monogamy will weed out the guys that are not very serious.
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Guys didn't bat an eyelash when girls slept with them quickly back in my college days. But now (early 30s), my guy friends are really put off by women who hit the sack before exclusivity and a number of dates. For young guys, I think it's true that they don't bat an eyelash when girls sleep with them fast. It's college, after all. But that's separate from the judgment level. In general, I think it is there (in young guys) more so than it is with older guys. I think you're right about older men wanting to get to know a woman first and then have sex with her. Maybe they are looking for more meaning and more substance. But I think they are also still less judgmental when fast sex does happen to occur. One of my male friends (two, actually), I know good and darn well that they prefer to get to know a woman before having sex with her. But out of the mouths of these same guys is, "If sex happens quickly, no, I'm not going to judge her for that. That's ridiculous. I was there, too. Plus, we're adults, not kids..." They just have a conscience about not dropping a woman for something as "silly" (his words) as sex. In other words, sex is important and it's also unimportant.
Author sweetsmmr91 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 You're kinda contradicting yourself. IME: When you're young - as you said - you're wild and free, and sex is less of a big deal. When you're older, and relationships are more meaningful, intimacy is more special and sex is a bigger deal. At least that's how it's evolved for me. Guys didn't bat an eyelash when girls slept with them quickly back in my college days. But now (early 30s), my guy friends are really put off by women who hit the sack before exclusivity and a number of dates. See, this is what I meant. I think I'm not like most girls my age so I'm having a hard time with this, haha. Not trying to contradict myself. I think when you're young, yes you are young and wild and free and sex is more common and people are having sex more often. But I think in relationships girls tend to get more attached with sex, at least all the girls I know. And the girls I know at this age tend to want a relationship with the guy they're having sex with (although I don't really hang out with drunk college girls who have sex with whoever at a frat party - not my scene). And sex tends to be the big thing that makes them more attached and emotional. And I feel like when you're older sex is just seen as a regular part of dating and not such a big deal. (no personal experience here obviously.. so who knows). I know plenty of guys my age who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a girl who had sex with them right away because they assume she's having sex with everyone right away. Whereas I feel like in your thirties it's less like that because men are more experienced and expect a woman in that age to be experienced as well. I'm interested that your friends in their early 30s are thrown off by women who sleep with them before exclusivity. I see that in guys my age too. Maybe it's not really an age thing.
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 One of my male friends (two, actually), I know good and darn well that they prefer to get to know a woman before having sex with her. But out of the mouths of these same guys is, "If sex happens quickly, no, I'm not going to judge her for that. That's ridiculous. I was there, too. Plus, we're adults, not kids..." They just have a conscience about not dropping a woman for something as "silly" (his words) as sex. In other words, sex is important and it's also unimportant. Forgot to add: they're in their early/mid 30s...
Cypress25 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Although I can't decide if it's a dick move to hold out sex til he decides he's ready for a relationship You should only have sex when you're totally comfortable with it. If having sex outside of a committed relationship makes you uncomfortable, then don't do it. There's nothing wrong with that. Personally, I tend to get more attached to a guy after we have sex, so I want to make sure we're in a relationship before I get attached to him. I just don't enjoy casual sex, so I avoid it. You're allowed to have boundaries like that, don't let anyone convince you that it's mean to wait until you're ready to have sex.
Author sweetsmmr91 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 You should only have sex when you're totally comfortable with it. If having sex outside of a committed relationship makes you uncomfortable, then don't do it. There's nothing wrong with that. Personally, I tend to get more attached to a guy after we have sex, so I want to make sure we're in a relationship before I get attached to him. I just don't enjoy casual sex, so I avoid it. You're allowed to have boundaries like that, don't let anyone convince you that it's mean to wait until you're ready to have sex. You're completely right. I just feel kind of guilty because we've already had sex, and now it's like welp you don't want to be in a relationship with me yet? No more sex! I definitely get more attached after sex, too. I usually have boundaries, big time! I've only slept with one other guy. So, maybe I should go back to my boundaries that I'm comfortable with. It shouldn't matter if I'm being "mean" by not having sex with him. Thanks for reminding me ! 1
oldguy Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I see what you mean, I guess what I'm thinking is it's more common when you're young (early 20s) to be wanton and free and have sex with whoever.. but when you're older and looking for a serious relationship I think it's more common to have sex earlier in the dating process without it being an issue at all. Or viewed badly. Because sex is less of a big deal. I could be wrong though. Maybe sex isn't a big deal at any age? Or maybe it's just a big deal to different people. Or maybe as you get older there is more of a clear division between purely sexual relationships & serious ones too. For young guys, I think it's true that they don't bat an eyelash when girls sleep with them fast. It's college, after all. But that's separate from the judgment level. In general, I think it is there (in young guys) more so than it is with older guys. I think you're right about older men wanting to get to know a woman first and then have sex with her. Maybe they are looking for more meaning and more substance. But I think they are also still less judgmental when fast sex does happen to occur. One of my male friends (two, actually), I know good and darn well that they prefer to get to know a woman before having sex with her. But out of the mouths of these same guys is, "If sex happens quickly, no, I'm not going to judge her for that. That's ridiculous. I was there, too. Plus, we're adults, not kids..." They just have a conscience about not dropping a woman for something as "silly" (his words) as sex. In other words, sex is important and it's also unimportant. I think maybe it's because you begin to realize sex with passion is so much better & more rare than sex with lust. And once you have passion in a relationship even the lust that comes is better. does that make sense?
Author sweetsmmr91 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Or maybe as you get older there is more of a clear division between purely sexual relationships & serious ones too. I think maybe it's because you begin to realize sex with passion is so much better & more rare than sex with lust. And once you have passion in a relationship even the lust that comes is better. does that make sense? Perfect sense! The distinction between pure sex and serious relationships is probably much more clear. I can't tell you how many girls I know sleep with a guy and wonder why he hasn't called her and fret and get emotional over it. I imagine when you're older you just know more that it was a fling. Great point
FitChick Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I imagine when you're older you just know more that it was a fling. When you are younger you give sex all sorts of magical powers and meanings that you don't when you are older. That just comes with age and experience.
Recommended Posts