JustJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Flirting between two responsible adults is just plain fun. I have a hard time understanding those people who have little or no self-control, and would let it become a problem. We JustJoe's are notorious flirts, but we rarely let it get beyond the fun stage, maybe because we are more mature than most. Besides which, I'm glad that I'm taken, or I would be all over your hot self, TA.
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I think, though, that many people who say they are able to flirt but still not cross any lines, probably aren't all that attracted to whoever they're flirting with in the first place. If you're truly tempted by the person, if you truly feel high levels of attraction and lust, flirtation can lead to danger. It also depends on what one means by flirtation, though. There are certain types of flirtation that really are innocent, like just talking, smiling, and laughing; you're just having a good time with the opposite sex. If you're touching, standing really close, and seducing, you're playing with fire.
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Missing BF is partially what is fueling this crush, I know--but it's funny because I would expect this crush to be on someone who at least resembles BF in some way, physically. However, they are total opposites. In fact this crush is everything I would prefer a guy not to be--blond, tall, tattooed. I don't think missing your BF is fueling your crush. When you miss someone, they're the only one you want. I miss mine terribly, and my eyes aren't lingering on anyone else (except Adam Levine because they look alike , but that's obviously not a "real" crush). 1
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 He's likely never given me a second thought, and there can be no temptation when it's all unrequited. He could have a girlfriend. But I don't know, and the unknown always bothers me. The unknown never fails to drive me to distraction. Would him having a girlfriend make a difference in whether or not you stop crushing on him? How do I handle this? How do I re-focus this energy into my relationship when BF isn't even here and will likely stay gone for awhile longer? Focus on yourself. Get busy, hang with (women)friends and male friends that you aren't crushing on.. Family, neighbours, etc.. Spending time thinking and crushing on someone when you know WHY you're crushing on them is asking for trouble (not that something will happen, more like you might actually develope feelings for this guy).. Don't let yourself 'think' of him. Or fantasize or get wrapped up in how he makes you feel.
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I think that being without sex / touch for a few months when people are in love and committed should be quite do-able, regardless of your sex drive. I agree 10000000000000000000%.
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Would him having a girlfriend make a difference in whether or not you stop crushing on him? Definitely, because he's pretty much a stranger to me. I don't know near enough about him to develop any 'feelings' other than physical attraction. And as things stand now, there's really no chance to get to know him more.
kaylan Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Whatever you do, please dont cheat and make your bf look like a fool for staying together while he was away for so long. Normally Id advise people who were on the verge of a split up, to just break up...especially if he was gonna be in another country for months at a time.
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Definitely, because he's pretty much a stranger to me. I don't know near enough about him to develop any 'feelings' other than physical attraction. And as things stand now, there's really no chance to get to know him more. If it was just some cute harmless crush, whether or not he has a girlfriend really would be of no consequence because YOU have a boyfriend. You LIKE this guy... in an inappropriate way.
kaylan Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) That's kind of lame, TA. I mean, be faithful, don't do what you can to remain faithful. Or, be free to date. This. If you ever have to say that you need to try hard not to cheat while dating someone, then you should be single and not in relationships in general. Thats just my honest opinion. Even if I was in your situation, I would say "Im doing what I can not to have to break up with my gf" I wouldnt say what you said though OP. You should be above cheating home girl. Especially when your bf is thousands of miles away. He would think low of you for even thinking that you need to try hard not to cheat. Im sure most people want someone who doesnt even think cheating is an option. So please dump him, because would you want him thinking of you as dirt if you actually did slip up? If you love him, dont disappoint him. Edited March 30, 2012 by kaylan
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Wow, thanks for the character assassination over poor word choice. I am above cheating. It isn't an option for me. Years earlier in my dating life I didn't feel that way, but I grew up.
kaylan Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) Dont get mad at me for simply replying to the information you provided. Im being honest with you. Thats all. Next time choose your words better. For anyone who read what you said, saying "Im trying hard not to cheat" does not sound like someone whos above cheating and wouldnt cheat at this point in time. So calm yourself. No need to get upset when you were the one who made yourself come off that way. I cant help that it looked the way it did. You have had some pretty serious doubts about your relationship. Maybe it's time to be single. I think that being without sex / touch for a few months when people are in love and committed should be quite do-able, regardless of your sex drive. Do you think he is faithful? This as well. With as iffy as you were about this guy before he left, I think its time to cut the cord and move on. Edited March 30, 2012 by kaylan
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I can see how that could easily be interpreted wrongly, but I'll make it clear now: how people are reading it is most certainly not how I meant it. Give me a break, I've become an insomniac from stress and am sleep-deprived.
kaylan Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) I can see how that could easily be interpreted wrongly, but I'll make it clear now: how people are reading it is most certainly not how I meant it. Give me a break, I've become an insomniac from stress and am sleep-deprived. My bad dude. You really need to sit and think about whether this relationship has a future though. If these months that hes away seem so tough, maybe you have to evaluate your long term potential. I dont fault you though. I wouldnt dare stay with someone who would leave me for months and months at a time all the way to the other side of the world. Id want to take a break and be realistic. I just couldnt be alone for that long. At least I dont think I could. Then again, I guess it depends on how long I was with that person, and how deeply in love I was. Bah, relationships are confusing. Good luck tho! P.S. - If youre sure he will be faithful, and youre sure he will stay faithful, then if you need a cuddle buddy, get a pet. I have a cat and hes cozy =) Edited March 30, 2012 by kaylan
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) My bad dude. You really need to sit and think about whether this relationship has a future though. If these months that hes away seem so tough, maybe you have to evaluate your long term potential. I dont fault you though. I wouldnt dare stay with someone who would leave me for months and months at a time all the way to the other side of the world. Id want to take a break and be realistic. I just couldnt be alone for that long. At least I dont think I could. Then again, I guess it depends on how long I was with that person, and how deeply in love I was. Bah, relationships are confusing. Good luck tho! P.S. - If youre sure he will be faithful, and youre sure he will stay faithful, then if you need a cuddle buddy, get a pet. I have a cat and hes cozy =) Thanks, Kaylan. We had actually talked about taking a 'break' while he's away--before he left. But then we agreed that we would stay together. Of course, neither of us realized then just how long he would be gone. We thought that he would've been back by now. He's already been gone for 1 month. The whole thing has been a mess from the beginning--he forgot important documents he needed to have with him, so I had to send him some stuff and his employer had to send him stuff, but the person who handled immigration affairs at his company quit after not answering his calls for a week, and then he had to deal with some nitwit they hired as a replacement who had no clue what was going on. This administrative processing hold that his visa renewal app is in can take YEARS to get resolved. I was reading forum posts on it and to these consulate people, when you're put on that hold, nothing matters--not your family, your job, or your education. Your entire life is put on hold. They will keep you waiting and won't give you anything except "It's still in processing" until it isn't anymore. :mad: And then of course there is also the chance that he won't be able to come back at all! They could just deny his application entirely. :( I've been kind of a wreck about this whole thing. I've been getting sick from the stress, unable to fall asleep at a decent hour. I try not to think or talk about it too much, because if I do I just start bawling. I know he misses me and it's hard for him too but he doesn't seem to be as affected as I am. Maybe he is and he just doesn't want to tell me because he doesn't want to seem needy. He can get like that. Edited March 30, 2012 by tigressA
JustJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 TA, there IS such a thing as a harmless flirtation, contrary to what some of the angt-ridden may think. I believe that you are mature enough not to let it get out of hand. It doesn't mean a thing, if you and this guy don't WANT it to mean something.
EasyHeart Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 We're always going to meet people to whom we're attracted. It doesn't matter if you're dating or married or have seven kids or living in the old folks' home, you're going to meet attractive people. The issue is how you deal with the attraction. Our natural impulse is to spend time with people to whom we're attracted and get to know them better, but that's exactly what you CAN'T do if you're already in a relationship. If you're attracted to someone but you're already involved with someone else, you need to make efforts to remove yourself from the temptation, ie you need to actively avoid the person you're attracted to. Don't talk to them more than absolutely necessary, don't spend time with them, don't flirt with them and absolutely never, never be alone with them. I'm obviously coming at this from the male perspective, and I **may** have had a period of time in my younger days when I had no hesitation about bedding down women who were married or had boyfriends. It was always very easy to spot the women who were open to a little side-action. Most women would immediately shut me down, but some liked the attention and would flirt back, and then it's pretty much just a matter of time. And of course, every single one swore up and down that she had never cheated on anyone and never intended to cheat. But she did. . . . I don't think cheating has very much to do with being moral or good or practicing self-restraint. It's mostly a matter of never letting yourself get into a position where you have the opportunity.
Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Thanks, Kaylan. We had actually talked about taking a 'break' while he's away--before he left. But then we agreed that we would stay together. Of course, neither of us realized then just how long he would be gone. We thought that he would've been back by now. He's already been gone for 1 month. You talked about taking a break while he was away, when the plan was that he'd be gone for less than a month? That does not sound like a strong, committed relationship to me.
Els Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 While I agree that you should leave if you have significant doubts about the R... I think it would be really, really good practice for you to learn to rein in your current desires and temptations in favor of maintaining the commitment you made when he left. It's an extremely important trait for someone interested in LTRs, IMO (unless you prefer casual dating, in which case I definitely agree that you should leave and have some fun). Point blank, if you can't do a few-month-long separation without wandering, it's highly unlikely you'll be able to do a LTR, either with that person or in general, depending on the reasons for the wandering. A short period of separation is something that just happens, in almost every LTR I know, and being able to deal with it when it happens is often something that you need to train yourself to do. I would suggest cutting the crush out of your life and focusing on your hobbies and having more time to yourself and friends, for the meantime.
Author tigressA Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 While I agree that you should leave if you have significant doubts about the R... I think it would be really, really good practice for you to learn to rein in your current desires and temptations in favor of maintaining the commitment you made when he left. It's an extremely important trait for someone interested in LTRs, IMO (unless you prefer casual dating, in which case I definitely agree that you should leave and have some fun). Point blank, if you can't do a few-month-long separation without wandering, it's highly unlikely you'll be able to do a LTR, either with that person or in general, depending on the reasons for the wandering. A short period of separation is something that just happens, in almost every LTR I know, and being able to deal with it when it happens is often something that you need to train yourself to do. I would suggest cutting the crush out of your life and focusing on your hobbies and having more time to yourself and friends, for the meantime. Four months, potentially even longer, isn't what I would call a short period of separation...but then again I'm not well-versed in long-distance relationships. I don't have doubts about our relationship and I'm going to stick to this commitment, however frustrating it has been and may become. I had sort-of instigated the talk about taking a break--I was dancing around it and BF figured it out. We had just gotten past the pot issue and I was feeling unsure about us. He didn't want to take a break, but he would have if I had insisted on it. In the end after we discussed it we decided we would stay together while he is away.
JohnnyCage Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Four months, potentially even longer, isn't what I would call a short period of separation...but then again I'm not well-versed in long-distance relationships. I don't have doubts about our relationship and I'm going to stick to this commitment, however frustrating it has been and may become. lol really?
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