tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 and it's a problem because I'm already involved. Yes, I'm still with BF. We worked it all out and he's been away in India for the last month. There's an administrative processing hold on his visa renewal so he could be stuck there for several more months, if not even longer. I really miss BF. I've been going out with friends and it's helped. We talk almost every day but it's not the same as having him here. I've never done long-distance for this long, with this amount of distance, and it's even more difficult because we made a leap into it from cohabiting, seeing each other day and night. Missing BF is partially what is fueling this crush, I know--but it's funny because I would expect this crush to be on someone who at least resembles BF in some way, physically. However, they are total opposites. In fact this crush is everything I would prefer a guy not to be--blond, tall, tattooed. He's on my team but we don't sit near each other enough to socialize (thank goodness). When he's around I can't resist saying something to him. I call him by the first name of some actor I told him I think he resembles, as a joke, and he does the same thing back to me. He's likely never given me a second thought, and there can be no temptation when it's all unrequited. He could have a girlfriend. But I don't know, and the unknown always bothers me. The unknown never fails to drive me to distraction. How do I handle this? How do I re-focus this energy into my relationship when BF isn't even here and will likely stay gone for awhile longer?
starla33 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 and it's a problem because I'm already involved. Yes, I'm still with BF. We worked it all out and he's been away in India for the last month. There's an administrative processing hold on his visa renewal so he could be stuck there for several more months, if not even longer. I really miss BF. I've been going out with friends and it's helped. We talk almost every day but it's not the same as having him here. I've never done long-distance for this long, with this amount of distance, and it's even more difficult because we made a leap into it from cohabiting, seeing each other day and night. Missing BF is partially what is fueling this crush, I know--but it's funny because I would expect this crush to be on someone who at least resembles BF in some way, physically. However, they are total opposites. In fact this crush is everything I would prefer a guy not to be--blond, tall, tattooed. He's on my team but we don't sit near each other enough to socialize (thank goodness). When he's around I can't resist saying something to him. I call him by the first name of some actor I told him I think he resembles, as a joke, and he does the same thing back to me. He's likely never given me a second thought, and there can be no temptation when it's all unrequited. He could have a girlfriend. But I don't know, and the unknown always bothers me. The unknown never fails to drive me to distraction. How do I handle this? How do I re-focus this energy into my relationship when BF isn't even here and will likely stay gone for awhile longer? Take it from me work crushes are a bad idea. I had a work crush and it started to escalate, until it went to hell and we didn't talk to each other after that for months till he left the company. It was VERY awkward.
veggirl Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) You could start by not flirting with him anymore (calling him an actors name). ETA: not to be harsh but that's what you're doing, and if he starts reciprocating this will obviously not end well for your relationship. Were you crushing before your BF left...? I think you have issues with being alone, do you tend to jump from guy to guy? Perhaps use this time to work that out? Edited March 30, 2012 by veggirl
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 You could start by not flirting with him anymore (calling him an actors name). Hah, yeah. I did stop that recently. I've been going a bit out of my way to avoid him. He was one of the minor reasons I wanted to switch to an earlier shift (I start on it next week; I had been waiting for approval for more than a month). We are currently on the same shift, which means more opportunity to run into each other on breaks and on our way into/out of work. When I start mid-shift I'll be coming in and leaving 2.5 hours earlier. So that should help.
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 ETA: not to be harsh but that's what you're doing, and if he starts reciprocating this will obviously not end well for your relationship. Were you crushing before your BF left...? I think you have issues with being alone, do you tend to jump from guy to guy? Perhaps use this time to work that out? I wasn't crushing before BF left. I had noticed him before and had the fleeting thought of 'Yeah, he's cute'. That was it. You raise some good questions here. I've been thinking that it is hard for me to be without physical intimacy for an extended amount of time (and no, I am not talking only sex). My 'love language' is physical touch and when I am forced to go without, I feel deprived. Even when I'm not in the mood for sex I still want to be affectionate. I am doing what I can to remain faithful. I realize that hooking up with someone else won't make me feel better in the end--I've been down that road. But honestly, I often do think "Godd*mn, I just want to be kissed...I just want to be snuggled..." I just want BF to be here so he can do all of that for me and I can do all that for him. But he isn't here. I'm not blaming him, I'm not upset at him for it, it's just a fact.
Woggle Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Find a new hobby to occupy your time until he gets back.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I am doing what I can to remain faithful. That's kind of lame, TA. I mean, be faithful, don't do what you can to remain faithful. Or, be free to date. 4
gibson Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I feel sorry for your BF. If you have this issue now while dating... imagine what it will be like 7 to 10 years into a marriage.
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I've known a few people who are taken/attached (like tigress) to enjoy the process of tempting themselves to the fullest extent, but are still able to say 'no' when it comes down to it. Hopefully that will happen here...
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I've known a few people who are taken/attached (like tigress) to enjoy the process of tempting themselves to the fullest extent, but are still able to say 'no' when it comes down to it. Hopefully that will happen here... Well, actually, maybe not the 'fullest' extent. But tempting themselves a bit, yes...
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I do have hobbies. I entertain myself. I have no issues being alone with myself in that sense. I can read, I can dance, I can go for walks or ride my bike, I can go out with my friends, I can learn to crochet or make quilts, whatever--but none of that is enough to convince me that something isn't missing. I miss snuggling up to him at night. I miss him hugging me from behind while I'm cooking dinner. I miss being able to kiss him whenever I want. I miss the sex we have. Historically, a month or more of this (no physical intimacy) and it is incredibly frustrating for me. I don't even fantasize about sex half the time--I just want to be touched. I find myself looking at guys' hands and wondering what they would feel like cupping my face, or holding my own hand.
veggirl Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I've known a few people who are taken/attached (like tigress) to enjoy the process of tempting themselves to the fullest extent, but are still able to say 'no' when it comes down to it. Hopefully that will happen here... Oh god. I'd dump my BF if he enjoyed that That seems really immature and self-serving. Tigress, don't be like that! You have noticed an attraction, just cut it out. Quit the flirting, don't allow yourself to give this guy any of your thinking. I feel like you really get off on drama? So much so that you are kinda just creating it now that your BF is out of the country and not here for you to play off of? 1
Woggle Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I do have hobbies. I entertain myself. I have no issues being alone with myself in that sense. I can read, I can dance, I can go for walks or ride my bike, I can go out with my friends, I can learn to crochet or make quilts, whatever--but none of that is enough to convince me that something isn't missing. I miss snuggling up to him at night. I miss him hugging me from behind while I'm cooking dinner. I miss being able to kiss him whenever I want. I miss the sex we have. Historically, a month or more of this (no physical intimacy) and it is incredibly frustrating for me. I don't even fantasize about sex half the time--I just want to be touched. I find myself looking at guys' hands and wondering what they would feel like cupping my face, or holding my own hand. Just let it build up until he gets back and then you two can have the best loving ever on his first night back here. Don't cause a bunch of drama for some short term thrills.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 You have had some pretty serious doubts about your relationship. Maybe it's time to be single. I think that being without sex / touch for a few months when people are in love and committed should be quite do-able, regardless of your sex drive. Do you think he is faithful? 2
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Oh god. I'd dump my BF if he enjoyed that That seems really immature and self-serving. Tigress, don't be like that! You have noticed an attraction, just cut it out. Quit the flirting, don't allow yourself to give this guy any of your thinking. I feel like you really get off on drama? So much so that you are kinda just creating it now that your BF is out of the country and not here for you to play off of? I should re-phrase, though. Not that they "enjoy" creating temptation. More that if they happen to get tempted, they are willing to flirt and tempt themselves. But in the end, they'll do the right thing.
Woggle Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I should re-phrase, though. Not that they "enjoy" creating temptation. More that if they happen to get tempted, they are willing to flirt and tempt themselves. But in the end, they'll do the right thing. This is playing with fire and people who do that more often than not get burnt. 3
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I should re-phrase, though. Not that they "enjoy" creating temptation. More that if they happen to get tempted, they are willing to flirt and tempt themselves. But in the end, they'll do the right thing. I used to feel like that was okay … but the older I get and the more destruction I have seen because of people and their boundary issues and self indulgences, the less I believe it is. As the temptation grows, so will the dissatisfactions that seem to be lurking in almost all relationships. I'm an old fartress, though. 3
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 This is playing with fire and people who do that more often than not get burnt. I'm not suggesting it to the OP or anything. Just saying that I've observed people to do this. They actually have the willpower to flirt but then not do anything.
veggirl Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I used to feel like that was okay … but the older I get and the more destruction I have seen because of people and their boundary issues and self indulgences, the less I believe it is. As the temptation grows, so will the dissatisfactions that seem to be lurking in almost all relationships. I'm an old fartress, though. I agree, it's not okay. If you truly want a relationship to work, you need to do whatever you can to pro-actively protect it. That means not flirting with others. (not directed at you jane! Just a general thought, and also directed at OP lol)
Jane2011 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I agree, it's not okay. If you truly want a relationship to work, you need to do whatever you can to pro-actively protect it. That means not flirting with others. (not directed at you jane! Just a general thought, and also directed at OP lol) It's cool. I agree with you. I couldn't tempt myself much because I'd end up sleeping with some other guy. Once, when I was in a relationship, this guy at Firestone who was working at the front desk started flirted with me while I was waiting on car repairs. He offered to drive me home to my place (which was just around the corner) so that I wouldn't have to wait in the lobby for hours. He clearly was attracted to me, and I thought he was good-looking. I so would have slept with him, so I declined the offer to be driven home to my place. It's painful, but you gotta just turn it off sometimes...
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 You have had some pretty serious doubts about your relationship. Maybe it's time to be single. I think that being without sex / touch for a few months when people are in love and committed should be quite do-able, regardless of your sex drive. Do you think he is faithful? Yes, I think he is. Seems like it's hard for him too but he may be dealing with it better than I am. For a brief time I even shut myself up and would've refused to go out with my friends (they're bar-hoppers). But I've found I can handle it, so I go out. And being in a social atmosphere is a pretty good distraction--the time passes more quickly.
reallyhotguy Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I like the phrase "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Attraction isn't in your control, after all. You know the line between harmless and not, right? As long as you don't start confusing some feeelings for others, I don't see anything wrong with a crush.
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I like the phrase "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Attraction isn't in your control, after all. You know the line between harmless and not, right? As long as you don't start confusing some feelings for others, I don't see anything wrong with a crush. Hah, one of my friends told me that. I do know the line, and I feel like I wouldn't cross it no matter how frustrated I get--I've grown up a lot since the days when I would have. At any rate, with the shift change next week this crush should burn out without me having to do anything, since there won't be any real chance other than monthly team meetings to interact with him unless I expend some effort. I will just have to keep myself from expending that effort.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Give Dolph Lungren a throw. I won't tell. (I thought you should hear at least one dissenting voice because there's a little devil on one shoulder saying "ja vol mein herr".
Author tigressA Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Give Dolph Lungren a throw. I won't tell. (I thought you should hear at least one dissenting voice because there's a little devil on one shoulder saying "ja vol mein herr". Not Dolph Lundgren, not at all.
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