Nisha86 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I have been with my bf for 8 years... He is my first and only bf.. Recently he dumped me after he complained about my weight and his exact words were you are an amazing person in every way besides one. You have put on too much weight and when I look at you I feel disappointed and feel pressure because I don't want you to look like that. Now for some background information about 6 months ago I fell pregnant I didn't realise until I was 3 months gone.. Due to my studies and not being able to provide I had an abortion as I felt I wouldn't give my baby the best life that it should be entitled to. Also my bf wanted me to get rid of it and was quite clear that he didn't want it. So after this I put on weight. After my abortion I fell into depression and ate more and never really did or wanted to do anything as even though I know I did the right thing I still feel guilty for my actions. My bf never understood this. So after a few months of my abortion my bf dumps me telling me im too fat. And basically not good enough for him. This left me heartbroken and has knocked my confidence for six. Wedding speak for a few months and now we are speaking again.. And he said that he would consider getting back together if I lost weight. Now to test the water I asked him after a pregnancy sometimes a woman's body changes good or bad and after I have put weight on (I went from a 8 to a 12) what if now I can't ever be the same as what I used to be would you want to be with me.. And he said he ain't sure and after all this time he still ain't sure if he wants to marry me. He said lose weight And I'll see... I really love him and I don't know what to do? I have been with him for 8 years should I just change myself and stay with him or go my own way? Please help me
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I have been with my bf for 8 years... He is my first and only bf.. Recently he dumped me after he complained about my weight and his exact words were you are an amazing person in every way besides one. You have put on too much weight and when I look at you I feel disappointed and feel pressure because I don't want you to look like that. Now for some background information about 6 months ago I fell pregnant I didn't realise until I was 3 months gone.. Due to my studies and not being able to provide I had an abortion as I felt I wouldn't give my baby the best life that it should be entitled to. Also my bf wanted me to get rid of it and was quite clear that he didn't want it. So after this I put on weight. After my abortion I fell into depression and ate more and never really did or wanted to do anything as even though I know I did the right thing I still feel guilty for my actions. My bf never understood this. So after a few months of my abortion my bf dumps me telling me im too fat. And basically not good enough for him. This left me heartbroken and has knocked my confidence for six. Wedding speak for a few months and now we are speaking again.. And he said that he would consider getting back together if I lost weight. Now to test the water I asked him after a pregnancy sometimes a woman's body changes good or bad and after I have put weight on (I went from a 8 to a 12) what if now I can't ever be the same as what I used to be would you want to be with me.. And he said he ain't sure and after all this time he still ain't sure if he wants to marry me. He said lose weight And I'll see... I really love him and I don't know what to do? I have been with him for 8 years should I just change myself and stay with him or go my own way? Please help me Tell him you have decided to put off the wedding,etc. because his penis is too small. When he grows one, then you might consider it. He is SHALLOW. LOSE THIS LOSER, understand? Say you lose the weight for him, he will find other 'flaws' he wants you to change. I have said this to others and I will say it to you...His name should be Douchey McDouchetard. 4
Tethys Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 He may have some good qualities, but he's a moron when it comes to having any tact or class. He either (1) has been feeling less attracted to you and just blames your weight (even though that's probably not the real reason--sometimes people just lose attraction for each other over the years), or (2) he's a shallow jackass if it's really about the weight. Only you can figure out which one and either way it's not your fault. 1
tears_in_rain Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Whatever qualities you like about this guy should be tempered by what a shallow idiot you must realize he is. "lose weight And I'll see... " Don't eat to make yourself feel better. Eat because you need fuel for the engine. Be what ever your natural weight should be and be happy with that. You'll find someone genuine who appreciates you for you even if your butt might not look like an airbrushed picture in a magazine. 1
CaliBabe Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Tell him you have decided to put off the wedding,etc. because his penis is too small. When he grows one, then you might consider it. He is SHALLOW. LOSE THIS LOSER, understand? Say you lose the weight for him, he will find other 'flaws' he wants you to change. I have said this to others and I will say it to you...His name should be Douchey McDouchetard. PREACH IT Bewitchedandbothered! First, lose the weight for YOURSELF and YOUR self esteem. After my breakup I lost 30 pounds. And I look and feel fab! Forget, someone who does not appreciate you. The outside can always be changed. Do it for you, not for him. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 PREACH IT Bewitchedandbothered! First, lose the weight for YOURSELF and YOUR self esteem. After my breakup I lost 30 pounds. And I look and feel fab! Forget, someone who does not appreciate you. The outside can always be changed. Do it for you, not for him. Right on, and size 12 is still awesomesauce! What size is he? He has some brains he hasn't used yet, clearly. A good man won't' want you to change a thing about yourself because when he looks at you he sees true beauty coming from within. Your size, shape, none of that should matter. He is an arse wipe. If you feel the need to lose weight, do so for YOU and YOU only. Anyone having the audacity to withhold nuptials because of appearance has a glitch in his cranial wiring.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 PREACH IT Bewitchedandbothered! First, lose the weight for YOURSELF and YOUR self esteem. After my breakup I lost 30 pounds. And I look and feel fab! Forget, someone who does not appreciate you. The outside can always be changed. Do it for you, not for him. Right on, and size 12 is still awesomesauce! What size is he? He has some brains he hasn't used yet, clearly. A good man won't' want you to change a thing about yourself because when he looks at you he sees true beauty coming from within. Your size, shape, none of that should matter. He is an arse wipe. If you feel the need to lose weight, do so for YOU and YOU only. Anyone having the audacity to withhold nuptials because of appearance has a glitch in his cranial wiring. By the by...has he offered you any emotional support after the traumatic events you have suffered? Has he tried his best to keep your spiritual health in check? No. He is fixated on the changes your body has gone through. Drop this worthless clod.
CaliBabe Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Right on, and size 12 is still awesomesauce! What size is he? He has some brains he hasn't used yet, clearly. A good man won't' want you to change a thing about yourself because when he looks at you he sees true beauty coming from within. Your size, shape, none of that should matter. He is an arse wipe. If you feel the need to lose weight, do so for YOU and YOU only. Anyone having the audacity to withhold nuptials because of appearance has a glitch in his cranial wiring. By the by...has he offered you any emotional support after the traumatic events you have suffered? Has he tried his best to keep your spiritual health in check? No. He is fixated on the changes your body has gone through. Drop this worthless clod. Again Bewitchedandbothered is right. A size 12 is still sexy honey! Ask yourself, would you even want to marry a man who is so superficial? Marriage (is suppose) to be for life. What if you got into an accident and was disabled, would he leave you? Do you want to marry a man and have to be scared every time you eat something, or get into a close car accident, that if something (God forbid) were to go wrong, he would up and leave...? I mean cmon. That's just terrible and really says something about his character. If he loved you the way a MAN should, he would have supported you during this difficult time, he would try to comfort you and make you feel beautiful. I am just so sorry you are feeling bad about yourself on behalf of his stupidity. I would consider this a dodged bullet. Come here whenever you feel like chatting and getting some insight, there is alot of useful information here. 2
Author Nisha86 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I have spoken to him again and he ain't ever going to change his mind.. I love him so much and that's what hurts the most. I appreciate you all for taking out the time to reply. At the moment it just seems really difficult maybe one day I will see it like you do but at this moment in time I just want him back
Whisky1981 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Yes I understand you. Its your first love and it lasted 8 years. It is totally reasonable that you want him back. I understand your feelings and all. You are hurt, scared, insecure, sad, ashamed and feeling guilty. This is all normal. Now stop and think. Put asaid your feelings and start using your brains. What would you think of this person if he was the boyfriend of your best friend? What would you think about him? What would you suggest to your friend? I think that the answer to all this questions you would give to her is LOSE THIS PERSON. There are a ton more walking the streets. First of all you have to stop contacting him and look for him. Stay close to your friends and family and go trough this with their help. Read and write on this forum for some comfort as a lot of people are going trough rough breakdowns in this moment and all of them share the same grief. Do not feel guilty for anything. I am sorry to say this but your (ex)boyfriend really is a d*ck. Do not go back to him. He is to blame for the BU not you or your weight. Do not feel sorry for your past actions, you did what you thought it was right at the moment and you did the right thing. You only have one life and you live it as you want it to live. A baby is a big responability and if you dont feel ready to take this responsability you are not obligated to take it. Things will get back on track. Start thinking of yourself and improve yourself. Hit the gym, do the things you like and spend time for yourself. After 8 years I know that you just dont know how will life go on without him. But life will settle by itself you just have to walk on and move on. Call off the wedding and start thinking about yourself. You will eventually find a man that will respect you and love you for what a person you are not for the looks. With ageing looks disappear even on the most gorgeous looking people out there. So they are totally irrelevant in the long term. You should lose the weight only for you to be healthy and nothing else. Be strong and lean on your friends, family, internet and us here on loveshack.
TaraMaiden Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Listen very carefully: I'm not so much focussing on the fact that you have put weight on that concerns me. What really concerns me, was his attitude to your pregnancy. I cannot believe you could honestly consider even thinking of being with a man who shows such cold, callous and indifferent disregard to your well-being and the fact that he made you pregnant. He made it quite clear he didn't want it...?? HE SHOULD HAVE MADE FEKK*ING SURE YOU DIDN'T GET PREGNANT THEN, BEFORE SAYING THAT, SHOULDN'T HE - ?!? His words and actions are nothing short of being abusive and being a bully. I suspect this is not the first time he has undermined your self-esteem and dignity, and that he has trodden on you in the past - and you, gradually, progressively and slowly - have taken it all, and rolled over submissively. He Is A Bully. He is manipulative and controlling, and although i know - I just know -you are going to tell us all how sweet, how kind, how wonderful and how nice he can be, and he sometimes says such sweet things.... this is the classic behaviour of someone who controls other people, and keeps them where he wants them to be. At the end of a leash. Please - for your own well-being and emotional safety - you have to be determined that, no matter how much you believe you love him (and i think there is a dependency there, not love) you need to break away form him. anyone who demands that you abort his child, because he 'doesn't want it' - is seriously sick in the head. 2
EgoJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) Listen very carefully: HE SHOULD HAVE MADE FEKK*ING SURE YOU DIDN'T GET PREGNANT THEN, BEFORE SAYING THAT, SHOULDN'T HE - ?!? anyone who demands that you abort his child, because he 'doesn't want it' - is seriously sick in the head. The bolded part scares me TM, that belies unreasonable expectations and deflects her personal responsibility. Perhaps there is more to this story than is being told. Depending on the circumstances and timeframe specifically. I myself might consider suggesting abortion of an unexpected child in a relationship that has run it's course. I admit that I am derailing due to our banter in another thread but I am also doing so to put in my pseudo-biased opinion. I used to think that love conquers all. But, now, I'd leave a Woman who put on too much weight and didn't take care of herself. Granted, I'd be a lot more considerate about it and helpful as well. But, there does come a time where you need to "qualify" your mate. Edited March 30, 2012 by EgoJoe
Author Nisha86 Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 I agree with you that you have to qualify as your mate.. But when I told him that I can't lose the weight he told me that in every other way I'm perfect but this one thing is disappointing him. He wants to be with me only of I lose weight I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure . And he doesn't seem to understand what pressure I'm already going through.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 The bolded part scares me TM, that belies unreasonable expectations and deflects her personal responsibility. I didn't mean to scare anyone...and i completely agree that when it comes to responsibility for such an event occurring, then it's down the middle, no question...but i'm looking at the whole and general gist of the post, and her account of what this man has been like, and his comments with regard to her pregnancy. I think there's a callousness there which reveals a great deal about his overall temperament and attitude, and bearing in mind our reliance upon a poster being honest and giving a true account of events, if we take her account at face value, it's not hard to see what kind of a relationship this is...
Lois Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 I agree with you that you have to qualify as your mate.. But when I told him that I can't lose the weight he told me that in every other way I'm perfect but this one thing is disappointing him. He wants to be with me only of I lose weight I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure . And he doesn't seem to understand what pressure I'm already going through. Don't you see? That's not love. Really, who the heck does he think he is? And you can lose the weight, but he will always be an arse. 2
jennisfora Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 we all age, if weight is an issue, then he isn't in it for the long term. we all physically lose the high metabolism, get wrinkles, fall apart physically if you love the person, you are willing to stay with them. Personal opinion is that this is just an excuse. He wants out, and he said something hurtful to create distance. Best thing you can do is leave him alone, lose all contact, try to not think about him. Not to bring him back, because i think he is a superficial jerk, but so you can get clarity and heal yourself. You still lost a baby, and it comes with alot of trauma and depression, even more so since you made the choice, you are going to be burdened with a feeling of responsibility, and now that your bf is gone, you are probably being plagued with thoughts like, i wish i kept the baby so i can hold onto a piece of him and such thoughts. You may consider counseling, i think it might help talking to an impartial person about your loss, of your bf and the future you thought you had with him, and of the abortion. your brain will release the same chemicals as a miscarriage, so if you are overeating, it could be related to a depression from this. either way, it isn't your fault. He isn't long term material and you need to take care of yourself. *hugs* 2
Fitz Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) Sure, your man is being a d-bag. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't drop some weight. I'm definitely not in the same situation as you, but I can relate because my ex-fiance cheated on me with a man who was in much better shape than me. And before she cheated, she too begged me to lose weight and work out more. No my weight doesn't justify her cheating. But it did teach me a valuable lesson. In an ideal world, looks shouldn't matter. But in the real world, looks do matter. To believe otherwise is to be naive. And to ignore the reality of this is to be in denial. You don't have to let your looks validate who you are as a person. Your looks have no bearing on your spirit or your soul. So please, don't confuse what I'm trying to say. I'm not at all saying this is an ideal world. Far from it. But in the world of dating and attracting a mate, looks matter a lot. Edited March 31, 2012 by Fitz 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Sure, your man is being a d-bag. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't drop some weight. I'm definitely not in the same situation as you, but I can relate because my ex-fiance cheated on me with a man who was in much better shape than me. And before she cheated, she too begged me to lose weight and work out more. No my weight doesn't justify her cheating. But it did teach me a valuable lesson. In an ideal world, looks shouldn't matter. But in the real world, looks do matter. To believe otherwise is to be naive. And to ignore the reality of this is to be in denial. You don't have to let your looks validate who you are as a person. Your looks have no bearing on your spirit or your soul. So please, don't confuse what I'm trying to say. I'm not at all saying this is an ideal world. Far from it. But in the world of dating and attracting a mate, looks matter a lot....she is only a size 12; she doesn't need to lose it. If she wants to lose it, she will lose it for her and shame on anyone who suggests she should. Anyone who would say that to someone isn't in it for the long haul. if you are truly in love, weight gain/loss shouldn't be an issue unless there is a health issue, which I would hope the person would stick around for.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 and furthermore, if she stays with this cock knock, she will feel pressured to keep her weight down; afraid to relax and enjoy herself; it's controlling. The weight she needs to drop is HIM. And I don't think the OP wants to let him go because he is all she knows. But it would get worse over time because he will find other stuff he wants her to change. Somebody please take away his man points. 3
cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I have been with my bf for 8 years... He is my first and only bf.. Recently he dumped me after he complained about my weight and his exact words were you are an amazing person in every way besides one. You have put on too much weight and when I look at you I feel disappointed and feel pressure because I don't want you to look like that. Now for some background information about 6 months ago I fell pregnant I didn't realise until I was 3 months gone.. Due to my studies and not being able to provide I had an abortion as I felt I wouldn't give my baby the best life that it should be entitled to. Also my bf wanted me to get rid of it and was quite clear that he didn't want it. So after this I put on weight. After my abortion I fell into depression and ate more and never really did or wanted to do anything as even though I know I did the right thing I still feel guilty for my actions. My bf never understood this. So after a few months of my abortion my bf dumps me telling me im too fat. And basically not good enough for him. This left me heartbroken and has knocked my confidence for six. Wedding speak for a few months and now we are speaking again.. And he said that he would consider getting back together if I lost weight. Now to test the water I asked him after a pregnancy sometimes a woman's body changes good or bad and after I have put weight on (I went from a 8 to a 12) what if now I can't ever be the same as what I used to be would you want to be with me.. And he said he ain't sure and after all this time he still ain't sure if he wants to marry me. He said lose weight And I'll see... I really love him and I don't know what to do? I have been with him for 8 years should I just change myself and stay with him or go my own way? Please help me OMG!!! He's horrible!!! Listen, I am 41, I've had kids, I am not the hottest thing on the block, but whoever I am going to be with IS NOT GOING TO TELL ME THEY DETEST HOW I LOOK!!!!! My X I just broke up with??? It annoyed him that whenever he said "you look hot Baby", I'd rebuttal with "no I don't". I gained at least 10 lbs in the last 6 months that we dated, I should appreciate that. And you're right, your body is going to change when you have babies, especially if you can't afford body lifts, boob jobs, etc. Can I just tell you? Back to my X, I thought he was hot, TOTALLY HOT, and I can see where other people may have looked at him and thought not, but I also loved him, he was hot to me on his worse day. If he gained weight, I didn't care either. For that matter, when I was married my husband gained 35 pounds. Yeah, it was a lot, but you know what? At the time when we were in a good place, he still TOTALLY did it for me in the bedroom. Ugh!!! Let him go Sister!! You deserve much better. I bet you are a beautiful girl in your own right. If he doesn't love you "as-is", F him!!! 1
cflowers32 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Sure, your man is being a d-bag. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't drop some weight. I'm definitely not in the same situation as you, but I can relate because my ex-fiance cheated on me with a man who was in much better shape than me. And before she cheated, she too begged me to lose weight and work out more. No my weight doesn't justify her cheating. But it did teach me a valuable lesson. In an ideal world, looks shouldn't matter. But in the real world, looks do matter. To believe otherwise is to be naive. And to ignore the reality of this is to be in denial. You don't have to let your looks validate who you are as a person. Your looks have no bearing on your spirit or your soul. So please, don't confuse what I'm trying to say. I'm not at all saying this is an ideal world. Far from it. But in the world of dating and attracting a mate, looks matter a lot. I think your thinking is thwarted. So not true at all. He's being superficial. If you really love someone, I get that attraction is what gets you there to begin with, but I have NEVER wanted to dump someone because the gained weight, I still loved them. 1
jennisfora Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Fitz, by your logic he would dump her eventually to trade in for a younger hotter model. If he is hung up on looks so much, then he is doing her a favor to cut now instead of wasting her youth on him. Everyone ages with time. Most people want someone who will stick with them through life. He isn't going to. and neither will you, if you think like this. that's okay, if you want a life of serial monogamy or singlehood. But, that isn't what most people are after. 1
mike588 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Fitz, by your logic he would dump her eventually to trade in for a younger hotter model. If he is hung up on looks so much, then he is doing her a favor to cut now instead of wasting her youth on him. Everyone ages with time. Most people want someone who will stick with them through life. He isn't going to. and neither will you, if you think like this. that's okay, if you want a life of serial monogamy or singlehood. But, that isn't what most people are after. I agree...when I was younger looks meant EVERYTHING!!! I'm almost 43...looks are still somewhat important now... but it's not everything...I 'd rather have a "Plain Jane" girl that truely loves me...who sticks with me thru any rough/tough times than some super hot girl that wouldn't. 1
Author Nisha86 Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 In response to all of your comments which I am grateful for.. Thanks it's really helping.. Look I'm not saying I'm perfect but correct me of I'm wrong but when you love someone ain't you supposed to accept and love their faults first and foremost? He calls me and tells me he still loves me and he's like please lose weight.. I feel like I'm the most ugliest person everytime he says that to me.. But when I explain that to him his response is having this effect on me.. And he says to me your one of the most beautiful women I know and you could get anyone.. But if you want me you have to lose weight.. It's just so messed up he's messing my head up big time.. He don't want to leave me alone either
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 Tell him - "I'll lose the weight - if you lose the judgemental attitude." then go No contact. you have to do this - absolutely you do, for your own well-being and sanity.
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