hellodearest Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 My ex and I had a good breakup, but it doesn't diminish the fact that I am heartbroken. The main reason is that she doesn't feel as "romantic" as she thinks a relationship should feel, though she doesn't know what she's looking for either since I am her first real relationship. I actually initiated the breakup after discussing how she wasn't completely "in love" with me. We talked it over for a long while, and she reluctantly agreed to the break up. She holds true to our decision. I on the underhand, sincerely regret it, and can barely sleep without anxiety attacks. I feel the letter is actually pretty clear in that she just wants to be friends in the future, but somehow, I'm still holding out for hope, and I keep fooling myself into thinking that she's just confused. If you ask me in a few minutes, I would give you a different interpretation as my mood swings sinusoidally. Please give me your objective opinions what what she is thinking. First is my letter, and hers as a response to mine. My letter: If I had to tell you the year I grew the most, it would be this one, 2011-2012, somewhere leading up to the end of days on the Mayan calendar. But… impossible. The Mayans had never accounted for leap year, so according to that stone calendar, today would actually fall somewhere in 2013, where you and I have no right to exist. I guess that’s how I feel at this moment, numb, non-existent. I’ve never told you this before, because the words are somehow cheapened when they flop out of my mouth, but because of you, I’m happier with who I am and who I wish to be. It’s 4 am and I’m shivering in my apartment. I know I won’t sleep tonight but at least I laid beside you nearly ‘til sunset. This morning and afternoon encompassed so many great things in our relationship, our bodies like warm, affectionate, magnets, only to be contrasted by night and the lurking monster of the hopes and dreams of what a relationship should feel like. I have this ache, fearing you’re pining for something unattainable, but I know I can’t reduce your longing into a paltry thing. I don’t know what I, myself, should be feeling at this moment , and I don’t know what I had intended on writing, but my own monster in the form of a banshee within my ribcage threatens to tear me apart, compelling me to do something, as if spinning my trembling thoughts onto paper will release the tremors in my chest. Who knows? This might even shape up to be the heartbroken epilogue to The Summer of Ecstacy (a book I told her I would write about us)! I think I’ll surprise myself with what I miss most about you. Moments like today (these are from just today!), while you and Megan dreamt of a garden, I prided myself in knowing: You share a favorite flower with Zvi Litvinoff, the Peony. What you were going to order from Thai Lagoon. Speaking in tongues freaks you the **** out. At night I knew: You shaved your legs so I won’t pull my hands away from your calves. You think that you don’t make me happy. My quick-temper disarmed my fumbling tongue and tonight I was unable to unearth from myself the words – You do. You do! (her name)! You make me happy! Thank you for everything Bao Bei. Thank you for what you’ve given me, and thank you for what I am able to give myself. I love you, for you are a good person to love. -(my name) Her letter In the last year I've learned so much from you about the kind of person I want to be. Without doubt you are the kindest, most generous person I know. What seems to come so effortlessly for you, some people spend a lifetime trying to achieve. You entered my life during my darkest hour and I can honestly say that if it weren't for you, I'm not sure I would be here today. I am eternally grateful. There is no way I'll be able to thank you enough for pulling me out of that very dark place and for showing me a kind of love I didn't know existed. Never before had I realized it was possible for two people to know each other so well and be so comfortable with one another. For better, for worse, inside, and out. I find that very comforting and at the same time incredibly heartbreaking because I know that I've hurt you. I'm sorry for putting you through hell. When I look back on our time together I will have nothing but the fondest of memories: May 16th, 2011 at Pioneers park eating sandwiches, smoking cigarettes, taking polaroids and wandering around aimlessly. The firs time we took ectasy together at your apartment on 25th and R. So sincere, the touching, the dancing, the tears. More so than specific events I'll look back and remember the general way in which you made me feel, safe and loved. Thank you. Goodbye for now, but not forever. One day we will find our way back to one another. True love doesn't die. With love, always, _____ "She was gone and all that was left was the space you'd grown around her, like a tree that grows around a fence. For a long time it remained hollow. Years, maybe. And when at last it was filled again, you knew that the new love you felt for a woman would have been impossible without Alma. If it weren't for here, there would never have been an empty space, or the needs to fill it."(quote she left at the bottom of her letter, from a book we've both read) I don't know. I just need some responses, I'm dying here and need SOMEONE to talk about this with, as I am in a new city and feeling quite alone. Objective opinions on what she's feeling/meaning please.
Author hellodearest Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 58 views, someones gotta have an opinion!! i dont care, break my heart! or give me hope if you geniunely believe there's some here!
lostconfidence Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 i think she loves you and shes bored. maybe or just following your lead
Author hellodearest Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I'm not sure that's the case, we had so many plans and almost every night we hung out, we'd talk about how great our day was and how content and relaxed we were.
jennisfora Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 some people just don't want to be happy. they need drama, or they need a contrasting experience. if she hasn't had much experience, she may be wanting to experience more before she settles down. that said, waiting is probably not a good idea. keep living your life, if she comes back, great, if not you will find someone else. wish i had better news for you, but i wouldn't read too much into it. seems like a lovely farewell. *hugs* 1
Author hellodearest Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 Yeah, she's said before that she's drawn to being miserable. Today's not an easy day for me. So hard to get out of bed.
Nohbody Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 People have no idea why they do anything. Take everything in the letter with a grain of salt, and focus on yourself. Put the letter away. Burn it if you want. It doesn't matter.
g450 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Wow, a drama queen and a druggie as well. What a winner. And the OP wants to be with this girl why?
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