How do I stop this useless cycle of attracting and wanting young unavailable men?

[Lil1]

Hello all! I'm reluctant to post this here because I know there are many angry trolls here on LS but I'm looking for some anonymous feedback from honest and helpful LSers.

 

I have a dilemma. I keep going through the same cycle of being attracted to young unavailable guys. I consider myself an intelligent, confident woman, but I cannot understand for the life of me why I keep doing this. I find that I only attract (and am attracted to) much younger men. I've sort of stopped fighting this recently and became intimate with a guy much younger than me (about 8 years younger). I entered into this situation with open eyes, but in spite of myself I'm starting to develop feelings for him. I think a big reason why I feel so strongly for this guy is that he reminds me of my ex (I hate to admit this but he even feels like my ex when we have sex!). He is leaving today to go work in a different state for 5 months (story of my life - my ex also left me to work at another state, as a matter of fact it was the same state, and the same line of work lol! - I'm beginning to really dislike Oregon, and I've never even set foot on that wretched state!). I need to understand why I keep setting myself up like this.

 

The thing is, I don't feel like I'm still in love with my ex. I can go weeks without even thinking of him. This younger guy I'm with now doesn't look anything like my ex, and he's from a different country altogether, so there aren't too many things they have in common. He's also not the first person I've been intimate with since my ex. But he gives me affection in many similar ways that my ex did. We have an unspoken connection where we can just hold and kiss each other for hours. It's quite nice:love:.

 

I'm not sure if it's because I've been missing the lovey dovey acts that come with a relationship, if it's because I haven't really felt a connection with anyone else since my ex (and he reminds me of my ex), if it's because I genuinely like this guy despite his much younger age, or a combination of it all that's making me nutty over him. He's asked to continue what we have started when he gets back. I'm feeling quite conflicted. I want to let my guard down but experience has taught me to be prudent. I don't think I could continue a FWB type of situation with him because I feel like I already like him too much! Yet at the same time I know a real sustainable relationship is probably impossible to have with him given his age and where we are in life (different stages). He's said some things that are HUGE red flags to me! Things like, he doesn't like to work a 9-5 conventional job, has always been attracted to or involved in not-so-legal things and wants to be a dad by 25! LOL, I know... I'm attracted to a real winner huh? (Trolls need not respond to this as it is a rhetorical question!). There's a lot more to him that I'm not sharing with you all and I see so much potential in him to succeed in life.

 

Do I hold out hope for this guy? Is there really anything there? More importantly, why can't I find a suitable partner who is closer to my age? I'll probably move on during the next 5 months as I'm not really emotionally invested in him yet. I'm not actively looking to get into a serious relationship but I'm also not closed to the possibility if I do meet someone special. He feels special, but even if we really do share something unique I know it's not enough to offset all the differences that are key factors of a successful relationship. The heart and the mind are not in tune. It's frustrating. I got a lotta love to give, and I'm a very affectionate person, but I don't want to end up hurt or in a situation where I'm taken advantage of again. Why is this so hard? I'm tired of feeling jaded but I can feel it settling in once again . Thanks for reading this and I appreciate your feedback!

[FitChick]

Eight years isn't much of an age difference but in this case it sounds like the guy is in his early twenties so it might be. Perhaps you feel you can control younger guys and will be safe.

[Lil1]

Yes, he is in his early 20s and no, I don't think it's about control. I mean, I guess it could be.. I don't really know too much about psychology but I do know myself and I don't think I've ever really had control issues.

 

Maybe I have 'daddy issues' since I grew up without a father. But this would make me attracted to much older men right?

[casanovadude81]

Yes, he is in his early 20s and no, I don't think it's about control. I mean, I guess it could be.. I don't really know too much about psychology but I do know myself and I don't think I've ever really had control issues.

 

Maybe I have 'daddy issues' since I grew up without a father. But this would make me attracted to much older men right?

 

Daddy issues seem to do a lot of different things. Something for you to look into.

[Lil1]

Thanks casanova.. that's kinda why I'm seeking advice from you fine folks here on LS - I don't really have money to spend on psychologists and therapists (and I also don't really think I need one) - so hopefully the wisdom shared by LS members can enlighten me!

[Feelin Frisky]

It's hard to say because you've said so little about yourself which would indicate why you are only exposed to these younger guys. Without knowing much I can surmise that you're attractive--maybe beautiful--as getting attention doesn't seem to be a problem. What you do for a living and what your interests are extra-curricularly always weigh on whom you'll be exposed to. IS there a chance that you can make some changes in these things that give you exposure to more mature men? Obviously you are still pretty young and maybe you should give some thought to continuing education or some professional interest where you can join and assert yourself. I'm out of my element living where I currently do (Virginia) as I am a native NYer and had a choice of many evening activities that gave me a chance to distinguish myself. But I have just discovered a new network that will be meeting in Richmond VA monthly for Innovators/Inventors/Entrepreneurs who are obviously chasing dreams and are looking for synergy with others who might open doors. I paid for a membership and will go, go and go and hopefully that will open me to other venues I can access in my region. I don't expect to hunt down any new romantic relationships but I believe 100% in getting public exposure and a good reputation and the confidence shown in doing that will bring opportunity to me. I frankly don't know what else there is but on line dating or the useless old process of dressing up and going out to a saloon where nothing ever happens except me dropping cash and coming home with a buzz on. I hate that. I say reach high and you will be found--it takes time and faith though but you have to do it.

Edited March 29, 2012 by Feelin Frisky

[Lil1]

Hi Frisky, thank you for your feedback. You make some interesting observations, especially in regards to my hobbies - I have many. I have a very diverse group of friends and I'm always open to trying out new things or going to new places. I find that I quickly establish a 'comfort zone' with people, although I'm not really sure how I do this. I like it when people feel comfortable to be themselves with me. I'm a very easy-going person and I don't really set too many boundaries with people. Maybe that's part of the reason why I attract mostly younger men. For example, several of my friends will simply stop by my place if they are in the area without calling first (I don't know if this is a good example of 'boundary-setting') but I never mind and if I'm home I will of course entertain my friends - maybe I need to be more assertive?

 

I have indeed been wanting to go back to school and further my education (maybe get my master's) but I always psych myself out when I think about how much more debt that will put me in. I know that continuing my education will open more doors for me though.

 

Good for you for getting out there and making something happen for yourself in VA Frisky! It's tough to get used to a new environment and it's even tougher to break free of old habits (i.e. OLD/bar scene) but it sounds like you're off to a good start!

 

Maybe THAT is the key - I need to ACTIVELY change or seek out things that will improve ME, and the rest will fall into place? Do things really work this way? When it comes to love there are no rules. You could be successful in your career and be the most beautiful person but still be miserable in love. But I guess you're right Frisky: Time, faith, and action will bring about positive change - I will keep reminding myself of this!

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi Frisky, thank you for your feedback. You make some interesting observations, especially in regards to my hobbies - I have many. I have a very diverse group of friends and I'm always open to trying out new things or going to new places. I find that I quickly establish a 'comfort zone' with people, although I'm not really sure how I do this. I like it when people feel comfortable to be themselves with me. I'm a very easy-going person and I don't really set too many boundaries with people. Maybe that's part of the reason why I attract mostly younger men. For example, several of my friends will simply stop by my place if they are in the area without calling first (I don't know if this is a good example of 'boundary-setting') but I never mind and if I'm home I will of course entertain my friends - maybe I need to be more assertive?

 

I have indeed been wanting to go back to school and further my education (maybe get my master's) but I always psych myself out when I think about how much more debt that will put me in. I know that continuing my education will open more doors for me though.

 

Good for you for getting out there and making something happen for yourself in VA Frisky! It's tough to get used to a new environment and it's even tougher to break free of old habits (i.e. OLD/bar scene) but it sounds like you're off to a good start!

 

Maybe THAT is the key - I need to ACTIVELY change or seek out things that will improve ME, and the rest will fall into place? Do things really work this way? When it comes to love there are no rules. You could be successful in your career and be the most beautiful person but still be miserable in love. But I guess you're right Frisky: Time, faith, and action will bring about positive change - I will keep reminding myself of this!

 

atta girl

 

I don't know where you live but from a city boy's perspective, there are a lot more continuing education choices than matriculation or degree pursuit. When I worked in NYC I took advantage of everything my employer had on their human resource books (whther my direct bosses exactly approved or not). So I not only finished regular college but got them to pay for 4 semesters at School of Visual Arts because I was pushing hard for computer-based training and that school trains many audio-visual artists that wind up in the television and other media industries. It was a wonderful time and I made a lot of acquaintances and had lots of access to things I never would have. I also took a "voice-over" workshop because I did narrations and that was a gas because it was all grown ups and we spent a lot of time creating character voices and reading radio commercial scripts in character. Lot of laughs. It all had continuity and I would up becoming a technology journalist for a UN-NGO and having accreditations to both bodies of the UN to attend and journalize most functions (not security council though).

 

That whole path was self propelled and led me to discover the potential I have that I don't see in anyone else. I actually have avoided relationship involvements at times because I had reason to believe I was close to breaking through with my media concept I know to be lucrative as can be but unfortunately not as easy as a new kind of tooth paste to explain. That has been the hard part and finding someone to actually sign a check to get something going has been a terrible slog for me. It doesn't have to be for everyone else--it just depends on serendipity (who you meet, whether you can create something they immediately understand and connect with or, like me, exceed what most people are ready for. The bottom line is if you're sound and right and don't give up, you'll distinguish yourself uniquely and someone will admire that.

 

You might not want to be a sort of push-over for unfocused people who just want someone and someplace to hang out. It's a bit of facing the immensity of adulthood. And I love it compared to the alternative which was once very comfortable.

[Feelsgoodman]

Sounds like you're trying to relieve your youth vicariously by dating much younger guys. I guess you are the female version of a middle aged man who's suffering from a midlife crisis and is chasing after 18 year old girls.

[grkBoy]

I agree with Feelsgoodman.

 

The one thing I noticed with women I meet who date younger guys is they want to live in a younger lifestyle. My coworker is around 25, but she's dating a 21 year old college student from her alma mater. I believe a lot of this is because she wants a hot guy, but also she continually drives to her old college town to visit "friends". I personally think she had such a wonderful time in college that she wants to keep living it over and over.

 

Seen other women who do the same. They want a world of nightclubs, a young hot guy, excitement, wild sex, etc. They might see men their own age as "over the hill", old-looking, or even they see them as "I have to settle down with this guy" or "he won't want to go out on the town".

 

In Lil1's case, I also think she likes the "challenge" many women want. A guy her own age who is attentive and such probably seems boring to her compared to a young hot guy she has to "work on".

[Negative Nancy]

They might see men their own age as "over the hill", old-looking, or even they see them as "I have to settle down with this guy" or "he won't want to go out on the town".

 

Like men aren't doing the same.

[RainMann]

Women are the most shallow entities created by the maker....

[grkBoy]

Like men aren't doing the same.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

 

There was an article on Huffington Post written by a 34 year old woman who met guys through a matchmaker, but found these guys wanted younger women.

 

Frankly, I thought she was a beautiful woman and I'd take her over some 25 year old who probably will be nothing but drama.

 

I roll my eyes at guys my age (I'm 38) who I see chasing 18-22 year old women, trying to get a RL with them, and then later complaining about their drama. Yikes.

[Negative Nancy]

Women are the most shallow entities created by the maker....

 

coming from an entity that most likely judges women on their looks, looks, and oh, did i mention looks.

[RedRobin]

Hi Lil,

 

No trolling here... I'm having similar 'issues'... not that I'm having relationships with much younger men... but that it seems to be either much younger men or much older men who are attracted to me. Although, the married men my own age near me haven't been shy either...but I'm not interested in being the OW.

 

I have strong feelings about large age difference relationships in general. It seems to have the potential to be out of balance in many ways (ways that some men seek out and prefer, TBH... not interested in those).

 

If there were some way you could know if the man was sincerely interested in YOU and not just trying to get his 'learn on' or taking a ride at your expense, that would be my suggestion...

[RedRobin]

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

 

There was an article on Huffington Post written by a 34 year old woman who met guys through a matchmaker, but found these guys wanted younger women.

 

Frankly, I thought she was a beautiful woman and I'd take her over some 25 year old who probably will be nothing but drama.

 

I roll my eyes at guys my age (I'm 38) who I see chasing 18-22 year old women, trying to get a RL with them, and then later complaining about their drama. Yikes.

 

It's not just 'drama'. For those who have experienced similar life challenges, there comes a certain understanding that I find reassuring and comforting. Especially when it is in a package that is not unduly bitter.

 

Who really is best equipped to help someone manage future challenges together? I really think it is with someone who is close to one's own age.

[westrock]

Maybe I have 'daddy issues' since I grew up without a father.

 

How do you feel about having grown up without a father? Did you feel abandoned because there was no father in the picture?

 

You haven't given much information about the circumstances of what happened that led to you growing up without a father, but you need to focus on this and what it means to you.

 

It's possible you have unresolved emotional feelings about this and you're trying to recreate the past with guys with red flags, hoping they'll change and thereby resolving any feelings from growing up without a father.

 

He's said some things that are HUGE red flags to me!

 

When we know there are red flags and yet we let our emotions overpower us, it is usually because the benefits we see in the relationship outweigh all the negative red flags.

 

If we feel we were abandoned growing up and weren't loved, then we will accept breadcrumbs later on from anyone that shows us that love. We crave the love so much that we are willing to over look the red flags. But, as you've discovered, it is unhealthy. It's a symptom of having poor boundaries driven by a fear of abandonment.

 

You need to resolve any feeling of abandonment from your past. Start by establishing a healthy boundary that focuses on finding a healthy relationship, and avoiding unhealthy relationships where there's only a possibility of receiving any love.

 

Starting today, adopt a new rule to live by: When I see HUGE red flags, I will RUN, no ifs ands, buts, maybes, hopes. No exceptions. Next. Even if that means you are abandoning them in the process, so be it. You can't save them because you have to save yourself first. When you adopt that rule, it establishes a healthy boundary for you.

 

Do I hold out hope for this guy? Is there really anything there? More importantly, why can't I find a suitable partner who is closer to my age?

 

Hope for what? Are you hoping he will change?

 

By adopting healthy boundaries you will be able to find a more suitable partner.

[prune juice]

Hello all! I'm reluctant to post this here because I know there are many angry trolls here on LS but I'm looking for some anonymous feedback from honest and helpful LSers.

 

I have a dilemma. I keep going through the same cycle of being attracted to young unavailable guys. I consider myself an intelligent, confident woman, but I cannot understand for the life of me why I keep doing this. I find that I only attract (and am attracted to) much younger men. I've sort of stopped fighting this recently and became intimate with a guy much younger than me (about 8 years younger). I entered into this situation with open eyes, but in spite of myself I'm starting to develop feelings for him. I think a big reason why I feel so strongly for this guy is that he reminds me of my ex (I hate to admit this but he even feels like my ex when we have sex!). He is leaving today to go work in a different state for 5 months (story of my life - my ex also left me to work at another state, as a matter of fact it was the same state, and the same line of work lol! - I'm beginning to really dislike Oregon, and I've never even set foot on that wretched state!). I need to understand why I keep setting myself up like this.

 

The thing is, I don't feel like I'm still in love with my ex. I can go weeks without even thinking of him. This younger guy I'm with now doesn't look anything like my ex, and he's from a different country altogether, so there aren't too many things they have in common. He's also not the first person I've been intimate with since my ex. But he gives me affection in many similar ways that my ex did. We have an unspoken connection where we can just hold and kiss each other for hours. It's quite nice:love:.

 

I'm not sure if it's because I've been missing the lovey dovey acts that come with a relationship, if it's because I haven't really felt a connection with anyone else since my ex (and he reminds me of my ex), if it's because I genuinely like this guy despite his much younger age, or a combination of it all that's making me nutty over him. He's asked to continue what we have started when he gets back. I'm feeling quite conflicted. I want to let my guard down but experience has taught me to be prudent. I don't think I could continue a FWB type of situation with him because I feel like I already like him too much! Yet at the same time I know a real sustainable relationship is probably impossible to have with him given his age and where we are in life (different stages). He's said some things that are HUGE red flags to me! Things like, he doesn't like to work a 9-5 conventional job, has always been attracted to or involved in not-so-legal things and wants to be a dad by 25! LOL, I know... I'm attracted to a real winner huh? (Trolls need not respond to this as it is a rhetorical question!). There's a lot more to him that I'm not sharing with you all and I see so much potential in him to succeed in life.

 

Do I hold out hope for this guy? Is there really anything there? More importantly, why can't I find a suitable partner who is closer to my age? I'll probably move on during the next 5 months as I'm not really emotionally invested in him yet. I'm not actively looking to get into a serious relationship but I'm also not closed to the possibility if I do meet someone special. He feels special, but even if we really do share something unique I know it's not enough to offset all the differences that are key factors of a successful relationship. The heart and the mind are not in tune. It's frustrating. I got a lotta love to give, and I'm a very affectionate person, but I don't want to end up hurt or in a situation where I'm taken advantage of again. Why is this so hard? I'm tired of feeling jaded but I can feel it settling in once again . Thanks for reading this and I appreciate your feedback!

 

its in the female dna. i don't know how else to explain it.

[Lil1]

The bottom line is if you're sound and right and don't give up, you'll distinguish yourself uniquely and someone will admire that.

 

You might not want to be a sort of push-over for unfocused people who just want someone and someplace to hang out. It's a bit of facing the immensity of adulthood. And I love it compared to the alternative which was once very comfortable.

 

You're right Frisky, and I think that I do need to step out of my comfort zone and just DO more. Adulthood is more than just being able to live on your own. I ned to find the drive or courage to accomplish what I want in life.

 

Sounds like you're trying to relieve your youth vicariously by dating much younger guys. I guess you are the female version of a middle aged man who's suffering from a midlife crisis and is chasing after 18 year old girls.

 

I concede that I have some type of issue, but I really don't live vicariously through younger men. I like my life very much and I have a lot of fun - I'm 30 and I don't consider that old so it's not really like I'm trying to relive my youth. I also don't romanticize my past and tend to live in the now.

 

I agree with Feelsgoodman.

 

The one thing I noticed with women I meet who date younger guys is they want to live in a younger lifestyle.

 

They want a world of nightclubs, a young hot guy, excitement, wild sex, etc.

 

In Lil1's case, I also think she likes the "challenge" many women want. A guy her own age who is attentive and such probably seems boring to her compared to a young hot guy she has to "work on".

 

I'm not really trying to live a younger lifestyle. I have plenty of friends my own age and we have boatloads of fun and do plenty of exciting stuff. Nightclubs are a tired scene for me (and for most of my friends) but we still go from time to time and dance our asses off. But wild sex is always good!

 

I'm not too sure what you mean about the 'challenge' and having to 'work on' a younger guy but here's my take on it: A man my age or older would be more 'challenging' than a younger inexperienced guy who isn't attentive.

 

Hi Lil,

 

No trolling here... I'm having similar 'issues'... not that I'm having relationships with much younger men... but that it seems to be either much younger men or much older men who are attracted to me.

 

I have strong feelings about large age difference relationships in general. It seems to have the potential to be out of balance in many ways.

 

If there were some way you could know if the man was sincerely interested in YOU and not just trying to get his 'learn on' or taking a ride at your expense, that would be my suggestion...

 

Thank you RedRobin, I pretty much know that a serious relationship just isn't going to happen. My family wouldn't accept it and it would just be one big failure. Age really does make a difference and eight years is too big of a gap.

 

What I'm concerned with is why or how am I even able to have such a strong connection/attraction to younger guys. I've never even been approached by a man older than five years but get approached by men that are younger by five years all the time. My ex was about 5 years younger than me and we connected on many levels despite our age difference. We had a very loving relationship but in the end the age difference proved to be a factor in the failure of our relationship.

[grkBoy]

It's not just 'drama'. For those who have experienced similar life challenges, there comes a certain understanding that I find reassuring and comforting. Especially when it is in a package that is not unduly bitter.

 

Who really is best equipped to help someone manage future challenges together? I really think it is with someone who is close to one's own age.

 

I used to be the nightlife social butterfly. Now I enjoy cooking a meal for my fiance and watching a movie, or going for a walk, or traveling someplace where it's about culture, scenery, famous places, etc.

 

With the younger women, I notice they seemingly are more about the moment. Home cooked meals and movies is boring to them compared to a fancy dinner out and then the evening getting hammered at the clubs. Seeing the sights and scenes of Europe is bland compared to hitting up the party spots of the world. Even now I get turned off by women who say they travel a lot, but really all they do is go to Miami and Las Vegas.

 

PLUS you can't hold a conversation with them. I mention something I read in the news, and they look at me like I'm some dork...but yet can talk in-depth about pop stars, celebrities, and gossip.

 

It's just different strokes for different folks. A piece of "arm candy" might sound nice, but why settle for hot looks and sex when you can find the beautiful woman you can actually share with in life? I especially roll my eyes at the youth chasers when they gripe how she wants to go out partying all the time. Um...that's what you bought into.

 

I guess with men my age rejecting women my age, if I ever end up single I shouldn't have a lot of trouble meeting new women.

 

 

 

I'm not really trying to live a younger lifestyle. I have plenty of friends my own age and we have boatloads of fun and do plenty of exciting stuff. Nightclubs are a tired scene for me (and for most of my friends) but we still go from time to time and dance our asses off. But wild sex is always good!

 

I'm not too sure what you mean about the 'challenge' and having to 'work on' a younger guy but here's my take on it: A man my age or older would be more 'challenging' than a younger inexperienced guy who isn't attentive.

 

I drew my conclusions based on how you seemingly pass up men your own age (that's what I took out of the OP, but I might be wrong) to chase younger men. Plus you mentioning how those younger guys you get attracted to are all emotionally unavailable.

 

Put those together and from my viewpoint it sounds like you're wanting to live a youthful lifestyle and you want challenges in men. I could be totally off...but that's what I drew out of your words.

[Lil1]

How do you feel about having grown up without a father? Did you feel abandoned?

 

You haven't given much information about the circumstances of what happened that led to you growing up without a father, but you need to focus on this and what it means to you.

 

It's possible you have unresolved emotional feelings about this and you're trying to recreate the past with guys with red flags, hoping they'll change and thereby resolving any feelings from growing up without a father.

 

Thanks very much for your input westrock, I've given much thought to all of this. My father was killed when I was barely a year old so I don't remember him at all. The way in which he died affected my mother very much. He was a political activist and died horribly for it. She never remarried and I don't think she has ever loved any other man quite like she did him. This must of impacted me in some way. So I've grown up without a male role model in my life, but my mother has raised a strong secure woman

 

I will admit that my ex (who was about 5 years younger than me) had a 'bad boy' streak which I may have perceived it as an exciting challenge (to tame him?... except I liked that wild streak in him!) despite it being an obvious red flag. This current guy is also drawn to 'walking on the edge' of life and I feel like that is a quality I'm drawn and able to connect to. That is not to say I like wild thrill seekers. Both of these guys I've felt a strong attraction to are very low key, smart guys, but they're more likely to take big risks and often have to learn things the hard way. Not sure if this is a pattern yet (me choosing these types of men).

 

When we know there are red flags and yet we let our emotions overpower us, it is usually because the benefits we see in the relationship outweigh all the negative red flags.

 

If we feel we were abandoned growing up and weren't loved, then we will accept breadcrumbs later on from anyone that shows us that love. We crave the love so much that we are willing to over look the red flags. But, as you've discovered, it is unhealthy. It's a symptom of having poor boundaries driven by a fear of abandonment..

 

I feel like I had a very fortunate and happy childhood despite not having a father around. I was given lots of love and support as a child (and continue to from my family). I don't crave love but I have been willing to overlook red flags, and this is something I'm working on changing.

 

Starting today, adopt a new rule to live by: When I see HUGE red flags, I will RUN, no ifs ands, buts, maybes, hopes. No exceptions. Next. Even if that means you are abandoning them in the process, so be it. You can't save them because you have to save yourself first. When you adopt that rule, it establishes a healthy boundary for you.

 

Hope for what? Are you hoping he will change?

 

By adopting healthy boundaries you will be able to find a more suitable partner.

 

AMEN Westrock! The thing is though.. red flags seem to be too encompassing. Red flags are not always indicative of an individual's success in relationships because everyone is unique. I'm used to giving everyone the benefit of doubt but this may be a symptom of my general passiveness. I think I do need to be more assertive and start setting healthier boundaries.

 

I'm not sure what I meant by holding out hope for him. There really is nothing to hope for because a serious relationship is simply not going to happen with this guy, even though I like him very much. I have no desire to change him, but I do want him to make smarter choices in life.

[Mr Frisky]

Hello all! I'm reluctant to post this here because I know there are many angry trolls here on LS but I'm looking for some anonymous feedback from honest and helpful LSers.

 

I have a dilemma. I keep going through the same cycle of being attracted to young unavailable guys. I consider myself an intelligent, confident woman, but I cannot understand for the life of me why I keep doing this. I find that I only attract (and am attracted to) much younger men. I've sort of stopped fighting this recently and became intimate with a guy much younger than me (about 8 years younger). I entered into this situation with open eyes, but in spite of myself I'm starting to develop feelings for him. I think a big reason why I feel so strongly for this guy is that he reminds me of my ex (I hate to admit this but he even feels like my ex when we have sex!). He is leaving today to go work in a different state for 5 months (story of my life - my ex also left me to work at another state, as a matter of fact it was the same state, and the same line of work lol! - I'm beginning to really dislike Oregon, and I've never even set foot on that wretched state!). I need to understand why I keep setting myself up like this.

 

The thing is, I don't feel like I'm still in love with my ex. I can go weeks without even thinking of him. This younger guy I'm with now doesn't look anything like my ex, and he's from a different country altogether, so there aren't too many things they have in common. He's also not the first person I've been intimate with since my ex. But he gives me affection in many similar ways that my ex did. We have an unspoken connection where we can just hold and kiss each other for hours. It's quite nice:love:.

 

I'm not sure if it's because I've been missing the lovey dovey acts that come with a relationship, if it's because I haven't really felt a connection with anyone else since my ex (and he reminds me of my ex), if it's because I genuinely like this guy despite his much younger age, or a combination of it all that's making me nutty over him. He's asked to continue what we have started when he gets back. I'm feeling quite conflicted. I want to let my guard down but experience has taught me to be prudent. I don't think I could continue a FWB type of situation with him because I feel like I already like him too much! Yet at the same time I know a real sustainable relationship is probably impossible to have with him given his age and where we are in life (different stages). He's said some things that are HUGE red flags to me! Things like, he doesn't like to work a 9-5 conventional job, has always been attracted to or involved in not-so-legal things and wants to be a dad by 25! LOL, I know... I'm attracted to a real winner huh? (Trolls need not respond to this as it is a rhetorical question!). There's a lot more to him that I'm not sharing with you all and I see so much potential in him to succeed in life.

 

Do I hold out hope for this guy? Is there really anything there? More importantly, why can't I find a suitable partner who is closer to my age? I'll probably move on during the next 5 months as I'm not really emotionally invested in him yet. I'm not actively looking to get into a serious relationship but I'm also not closed to the possibility if I do meet someone special. He feels special, but even if we really do share something unique I know it's not enough to offset all the differences that are key factors of a successful relationship. The heart and the mind are not in tune. It's frustrating. I got a lotta love to give, and I'm a very affectionate person, but I don't want to end up hurt or in a situation where I'm taken advantage of again. Why is this so hard? I'm tired of feeling jaded but I can feel it settling in once again . Thanks for reading this and I appreciate your feedback!

 

Demonic post