TrebleClef Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 :sick:I'll try and condense my story. I'm in love with a MM. We dated in college and my over-protective parents broke us up. I'm an only child. He's 5 years older than I. He was my first. He's the only man I "know". Years later he found me via an alumni site. I get his email a little after I found out that my ex-fiance was cheating. I don't blame ex. I asked him to "wait" until we were married. First and I emailed, text and talked on the phone for hours on end. All my feelings for him that I thought I buried well enough, resumed. A little over a month he asked if we could meet in person. I agreed. After all we're both single. He told me he was divorced and living in the city we grew up in. At our meeting he professed his undying love for me. He told me I should be his wife and mother of his children. "First" actually pursued me, romanced me...we were dating again! I fell and fell HARD!!!! Then he drops several bombs. He's actually not divorced but divorcING! He's a minister. He's been married x3 and has a baby's mother. M1-annulled, M2-divorced and M3-divorcing. He has 4 children. I have no children, never been pregnant, engaged once. He said he married due to her getting pregnant. He said they're not intimate and haven't been for years. He says they cohabitate. He said he told her he does not love her and loves me. It has been a little over a year of him popping in/out of my life. He dumps me on a whim via text or email then reappears suddenly claiming he can't stay away due to loving me so much. And, sadly, I allow him to come back each time. What in the world has happened? Why does he get a kick out of playing me? What the heck have I done?
Owl Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Stop letting him pop in and out of your life. Draw up some clear boundaries (as in "go away") where he's concerned, and enforce them vigorously. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 It has been a little over a year of him popping in/out of my life. He dumps me on a whim via text or email then reappears suddenly claiming he can't stay away due to loving me so much. And, sadly, I allow him to come back each time. What in the world has happened? Why does he get a kick out of playing me? What the heck have I done? Why are you allowing this to go on? What are you getting out of the cat and mouse game other than messing yourself up along the way? DUMP HIM, tell him to never call you again and start your life over. 1
The Blue Knight Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 :sick:I'll try and condense my story. I'm in love with a MM. We dated in college and my over-protective parents broke us up. I'm an only child. He's 5 years older than I. He was my first. He's the only man I "know". Years later he found me via an alumni site. I get his email a little after I found out that my ex-fiance was cheating. I don't blame ex. I asked him to "wait" until we were married. First and I emailed, text and talked on the phone for hours on end. All my feelings for him that I thought I buried well enough, resumed. A little over a month he asked if we could meet in person. I agreed. After all we're both single. He told me he was divorced and living in the city we grew up in. At our meeting he professed his undying love for me. He told me I should be his wife and mother of his children. "First" actually pursued me, romanced me...we were dating again! I fell and fell HARD!!!! Then he drops several bombs. He's actually not divorced but divorcING! He's a minister. He's been married x3 and has a baby's mother. M1-annulled, M2-divorced and M3-divorcing. He has 4 children. I have no children, never been pregnant, engaged once. He said he married due to her getting pregnant. He said they're not intimate and haven't been for years. He says they cohabitate. He said he told her he does not love her and loves me. It has been a little over a year of him popping in/out of my life. He dumps me on a whim via text or email then reappears suddenly claiming he can't stay away due to loving me so much. And, sadly, I allow him to come back each time. What in the world has happened? Why does he get a kick out of playing me? What the heck have I done? First off, he wasn't honest up front, after years of not talking to you. That shows he had an agenda when he first contacted you. Otherwise, he would have tossed a lot of that dirty laundry out during your first few conversations before meeting with him in person. His objective was to snare you (pour out the undying love) before dumping all his personal baggage on you because as most men know, if you can get a woman emotionally connected to you, they won't give a man up quite as easily. I'm not sure where he got his "minister credentials" but it sounds like the Church of Whatever Feels Good. Something about that doesn't seem right, or he's in one of those social justice mega-liberal churches that's really about all encompassing love without much personal responsibility. Now he's playing head games with you popping in and popping out of your life. What in the world does he have to offer that keeps you enchanted? You want to get to the bottom of this? My suggestion is contact Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 and get their stories. I'm sure they'd reveal things about this guy you haven't even contemplated yet. Spouse 3 oddly enough sounds like she's still married to him. How long does it take to get a divorce where you live? I doubt that it takes an entire year, so what happened to his original story "is divorcing"? Spouse 3 will tell you an entirely different story and I'm pretty sure she's going to tell you they've remained sexual. I suspect a serial cheater is what profile you're going to come up with TC after you talk to these ladies. If you want to get to the truth, that's where I'd start. Now about you. Why is your self-esteem hurting so much that you allow this guy to roll over you like a steamroller? Obviously, you're better than this. 3
TigerCub Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Oh, OP.... I know you don't see it - but you have the upper hand here: He's tied down with kids and all that baggage from all his exes. That's why he didn't come out and tell you about his current obligations and past mistakes from the beginning. You're single, you're not tied to anyone, you're free to go out and date whoever you please. Don't waste your youth, you time and your life on someone that's so dishonest and quite frankly doesn't have a whole lot to offer you. I know that loving someone is hard to get over, but he's not loving you like you love him. If he's willing to drop you on a whim and he's still living with his wife - you're nothing to him, well, except for a friendly distraction whenever it suits him. Please, please, don't put up with it, because he's only going to do to you what you allow him to do. Please realize your worth.
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 (edited) Oh man that sucks...it's probably very very painful but yeah he's been dishonest to you and to his W3...what kind of chances do you have of a good M with this guy? I would grieve, and that part sucks big time since he's your only love, and move on. You can't be his friend. You need to go no contact for your sake and for his W's sake if they actually stay together. Yeah I have my doubts as well if he told you the truth about him getting a D. I'm so sorry, that's a horrible place to be in. But yeah be thankful you don't have kids with this guy. Nothing invested but your emotional attachment. A bit of temporary pain and you can be free of this for the rest of your life. Oh and statistically, marriages that happen with affair partners almost never stay together...so think about that as well. Edited March 29, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 This guys sounds like a lying POS; minister or no minister. Drop him asap! He is a "minister" and has no scruples about adultery = run away! Curious if he is ordained or not. If so, did he ordain himself?
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 This guys sounds like a lying POS; minister or no minister. Drop him asap! He is a "minister" and has no scruples about adultery = run away! Curious if he is ordained or not. If so, did he ordain himself? I had a friend who ordained his rat. ... really.... it was literally... a rat, ordained as a minister. Forgot what church that was, some weird thing off the web. Obviously it was a big joke, but yeah his rat could have married people if it could only....talk . [edit] come to think of it, would have been funnier if he had had a parrot, and trained it to say the appropriate lines ^^
YellowShark Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! Period. He's been married three times and failed 3 times. He has a TON of baggage that you will end up holding. You will just be another notch in his belt of failures. Don't waste your time. Run! 1
nofool4u Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Men and women play with people like this because THEY CAN. Why can they? Because there are people that allow them to. So...don't let him. And I'm very suspect of a minister who is getting a divorce, plays around with another women while still married, and dumps via text. He shouldn't be considered a man of the cloth.
Author TrebleClef Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 I've expressed my feelings to him several times. Each time I did he'd evade, clam up, get angry and somehow he'd turn it around and make me out to be the bad guy and I'd end up back on the hamster wheel. I love him is really what has made me continue to take his crap. I just didn't want to believe he would go all out of his way to dupe me like he has. I really believed he loved me. I seriously contemplated contacting his the exes but I'm afraid to. I would be outing myself! According to him, they communicate. He's told me that W3 treats W2 and baby mom's child like outcasts. So that tells me the women at least see each other during his visits? IDK how that works with custody and visits and all. It's as if he WANTS to get caught. Again, according to him, he had my pic displayed and W3 inquired about it. He said he told her I was a classmate of his. I went on a trip with him and he dropped by his oldest son's house. I had no idea what was going on. I stayed in the car and this young man walks out looking the spitting image of him! I didn't know what to do. The young man called his step-mother (W3) and asked why she didn't get out the car and play hoops with them. This of course caused us to get caught. He was grilled, and asked was he having an affair, he told her "it is what it is". What that means, I'll never know. Another time we were caught was when he said he fell asleep and left his cell phone opened and unlocked. This was during one of his times he dumped me and suddenly came back. He had emailed me several messages with the I miss u's and the I love u's and questions about when can he see me again. He said the sis-in-law saw the thread of emails and brought it to W3's attn. This is when I got emails from her. I didn't engage and the emails suddenly stopped. He says he has an apartment and lives there now. IDK what to believe. He claims he's not going through a long drawn out divorce. Again, IDK what to believe.
frozensprouts Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 it sounds like you're kind of stuck in "yesterday" with him, when you two were so much in love... but just based on the knowledge of him and his choices, what type of person do you think he is right now? he doesn't sound like he's any good for you at all...you deserve better than he can give you
YellowShark Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I've expressed my feelings to him several times. Each time I did he'd evade, clam up, get angry and somehow he'd turn it around and make me out to be the bad guy... You are "in love" with WHO HE WAS... not who he is now. Let it go, forget it, he is trouble with a capital "T." 2
findingnemo Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Sometimes I feel sorry for God. Really...the number of people masquerading in His name pisses me off! You believe in the sanctity of M, right? Obviously you also don't take sex lightly. Am I right to assume you are a believer? If you are you need to realize that this man is too flawed for you to help him. He is an adulterer and I'm sure this isn't his first time. As a Minister he gets too many opportunities to meet women who need comforting. He will be committing adultery with his flock, leaving trail after trail of scandals and eventually leave you when you can't tolerate his nonsense anymore. He's a bad apple. 2
bentnotbroken Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Sometimes I feel sorry for God. Really...the number of people masquerading in His name pisses me off! You believe in the sanctity of M, right? Obviously you also don't take sex lightly. Am I right to assume you are a believer? If you are you need to realize that this man is too flawed for you to help him. He is an adulterer and I'm sure this isn't his first time. As a Minister he gets too many opportunities to meet women who need comforting. He will be committing adultery with his flock, leaving trail after trail of scandals and eventually leave you when you can't tolerate his nonsense anymore. He's a bad apple. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^YES!!!! He is no minister. He is a Fox in the Hen house. Using the cover of a Godly man to pick his next target. 2
Author TrebleClef Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) "findingnemo" - my belief in the sanctity of M has been tainted. Contrary to my actions, yes I am a believer. And you're absolutely correct: I DO NOT take sex lightly! Everyone - Plz don't think I'm crazy or a fool but do you really think that he has other OW? I've screamed to him that I will not engage in such shenanigans and will never jeopardize my life like that. He swore that is not the case and he cares too much for me and for himself. He says that's disgusting and assured me that I'm the only woman he's with in every way. He tells me how women at the church (yes he actually worked his mouth to say this) have come on to him but he knows it's all fake and knows that my love and attention for him is genuine and another reason why he's so into me. Again, IDK WHAT to believe!!!! I mean I was becoming content with my life. I was coming to grips with the fact that I just may never get married/have a child. I thought I'd buried my feelings for "first" deep enough. I was dealing with ex-fiance cheating and the wedding expenses, etc. I kept the ring. What do you guys think about that? I'm succeeding in my career, buying my first home even talking through with my parents and their over-protective issues. I'm living my life....then BAM here's the email from "first". REALLY???? Edited March 30, 2012 by TrebleClef typos; re-vamping
YellowShark Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) Everyone - Plz don't think I'm crazy or a fool but do you really think that he has other OW? You are not crazy because you are questioning all of this. If you were crazy you would simply 'damn the torpedoes' and jump right into his emotional blender. So you are not crazy. He tells me how women at the church (yes he actually worked his mouth to say this) have come on to him but he knows it's all fake... He sounds like a narcissistic predator using a position of power to validate his ego. ...and knows that my love and attention for him is genuine and another reason why he's so into me. Again, IDK WHAT to believe!!!! Your love and attention could be better spent on a decent, unmarried, single guy without all this man's baggage to carry. Let him go. He is not a happy future for you. He is playing you like a fish on a line. I mean I was becoming content with my life. I was coming to grips with the fact that I just may never get married/have a child. I thought I'd buried my feelings for "first" deep enough. I was dealing with ex-fiance cheating and the wedding expenses, etc. I kept the ring. What do you guys think about that? I'm succeeding in my career, buying my first home even talking through with my parents and their over-protective issues. I'm living my life....then BAM here's the email from "first". REALLY???? You really want to be the fourth wife to a guy who has been married 3 times? And maybe have a child with him as well? ACK! Walk away TrebleClef, there's around 3 billion other guys on the planet to chose from. Edited March 30, 2012 by YellowShark
findingnemo Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 "findingnemo" - my belief in the sanctity of M has been tainted. Contrary to my actions, yes I am a believer. And you're absolutely correct: I DO NOT take sex lightly! Everyone - Plz don't think I'm crazy or a fool but do you really think that he has other OW? I've screamed to him that I will not engage in such shenanigans and will never jeopardize my life like that. He swore that is not the case and he cares too much for me and for himself. He says that's disgusting and assured me that I'm the only woman he's with in every way. He tells me how women at the church (yes he actually worked his mouth to say this) have come on to him but he knows it's all fake and knows that my love and attention for him is genuine and another reason why he's so into me. Again, IDK WHAT to believe!!!! I mean I was becoming content with my life. I was coming to grips with the fact that I just may never get married/have a child. I thought I'd buried my feelings for "first" deep enough. I was dealing with ex-fiance cheating and the wedding expenses, etc. I kept the ring. What do you guys think about that? I'm succeeding in my career, buying my first home even talking through with my parents and their over-protective issues. I'm living my life....then BAM here's the email from "first". REALLY???? Hey, your belief can't be tainted. Your faith is beautiful and clean as a new born lamb. Trust me on that. Just because he was your first doesn't mean he is/was right for you. Let me suggest that you hold him to the same Christian standards you hold yourself. I bet you he'll not pass. Ministers don't marry 3 different women and get Ds in all cases. They don't start extra-marital As. They also don't try to tempt innocents into committing adultery. Him writing you isn't divine intervention, my dear. It all sounds like a ploy from an agent of the other side frankly. This one is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Author TrebleClef Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 You are not crazy because you are questioning all of this. If you were crazy you would simply 'damn the torpedoes' and jump right into his emotional blender. So you are not crazy. "yellowshark" I sure feel as though I've lost my mind! Thanks for reading & replying to my questions.... He sounds like a narcissistic predator using a position of power to validate his ego. That just plain frightens me. Your love and attention could be better spent on a decent, unmarried, single guy without all this man's baggage to carry. Let him go. He is not a happy future for you. I MUST to get my head from so far up his tail. This is ridiculous!! He called me last night telling me he's made it back in town from working. His career calls for traveling. He said he would take me to dinner but was sooooo sleepy. I honestly wasn't interested in seeing him nor breaking bread with him. Was the "so sleepy" code for "I'm with another"? My response was general and vague when he asked what I was up to and was I at home. He inquired further but I didn't answer. He is playing you like a fish on a line. I wonder why he has such low regard for me. If there's so much undying love why am I only worth playing? You really want to be the fourth wife to a guy who has been married 3 times? And maybe have a child with him as well? ACK! Walk away TrebleClef, there's around 3 billion other guys on the planet to chose from. I know it's crazy as ever but I want him to go through the wringer with me like he did those others. I want him to prove his words "he should've married me". IDK. I'm almost in tears!
Author TrebleClef Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Hey, your belief can't be tainted. Your faith is beautiful and clean as a new born lamb. Trust me on that. My faith is definitely being tested then. While being duped by ex-fiance and first, there was a deacon at my church (who was later called to preach) that I thought was genuinely interested in me. Long story short, he never missed giving me flowers and a card on my birthday, asked me out, acted like he was really interested. Meanwhile an usher started to show that she was pregnant. It was quite the scandal. Then it was announced one Sunday morning that she had her baby and "mother and baby were doing fine". They said the baby's name which is a very close variation to the preacher's name and the child has preacher's last name. You could hear a pin drop. My dumb behind was like "oh, what a beautiful name" then my cousin nudged me and said "trebleclef" and repeated the baby's whole name and grabbed my face and squeezed my cheeks. Then I was like: Ohhhhhh. I was so hurt, once my dumb butt realized I was played....yet again. I can sure attract 'em aye??? What the devil is it with me and ministers!?!? I must have "dumb a**" on my forehead!!! Just because he was your first doesn't mean he is/was right for you. Let me suggest that you hold him to the same Christian standards you hold yourself. I bet you he'll not pass. Ministers don't marry 3 different women and get Ds in all cases. They don't start extra-marital As. They also don't try to tempt innocents into committing adultery. Him writing you isn't divine intervention, my dear. It all sounds like a ploy from an agent of the other side frankly. This one is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I just can't believe he's done this to me and smiles in my face like nothing....like he truly loves me and wants to do right by me. *sigh*
Author TrebleClef Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 He called me tonight. I purposely didn't answer the phone. All I could see were the words from y'all's posts like "LIAR" and "WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING" and "HE'S PLAYING YOU LIKE A FISH AND ??? (sorry can't remember the stmt.) He left a v/m sounding absolutely horrible. He said he was in another city on business and has been very sick. My instincts wanted to call him back, see where he was and go there to take care of him. Why am I feeling guilty for purposely not answering his call and/or taking care of him? I'm going nuts!!!!
findingnemo Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 He called me tonight. I purposely didn't answer the phone. All I could see were the words from y'all's posts like "LIAR" and "WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING" and "HE'S PLAYING YOU LIKE A FISH AND ??? (sorry can't remember the stmt.) He left a v/m sounding absolutely horrible. He said he was in another city on business and has been very sick. My instincts wanted to call him back, see where he was and go there to take care of him. Why am I feeling guilty for purposely not answering his call and/or taking care of him? I'm going nuts!!!! TrebleClef, your life and mind are in your hands. You can only go nuts if you allow it to happen. It was good that you ignored his calls. Good first step. Now keep telling yourself that he is NOT good for you. He is not part of the divine plan for you, my dear. God would never send you such a screw up. Intact tell him that. I bet he won't know what to say.
Author TrebleClef Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 TrebleClef, your life and mind are in your hands. You can only go nuts if you allow it to happen. It was good that you ignored his calls. Good first step. Now keep telling yourself that he is NOT good for you. He is not part of the divine plan for you, my dear. God would never send you such a screw up. Intact tell him that. I bet he won't know what to say. "God would never send you such a screw up" That's the most wonderful advice I've gotten thus far! My mom said something similiar. Parents know he's back in my life and they HATE IT! Of course they don't know ALL details and they don't know I'm acting so nuts behind him. "In fact tell him that" is classic too
Author TrebleClef Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 When are you going to tell him stop calling and/or block all forms of communication? Are you looking to end this . . . or are you looking for him to chase you? I wand to end the games. I want to end him playing me. I want to have a real, public relationship with him. I want him to make his words ("I never stopped loving you") true or step off and stop playing me. When I would end things. He'd show up at my door step. Even when HE ended things (so I thought) he'd show up at my church or house. I just bought my home, I don't want to move. I love my home. I want him to have more regard for me. It's really like the little red riding hood. He dressed in "first's" clothes, asked me to come closer so he could see/hear me better (saw that I was a gullible mess) and went in for the kill. Does he really think that low of me? That's all the respect he has for me? After I gave him my literally and figuratively gave him my all? I can't find a word for the pain I'm in. Does that make sense? Or do I sound as wacko as he is?
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