Veryconfused12345 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Hi everyone, So I'm at a loss for what to do. I posted here several months ago and got so much amazing advice. I thought I was getting better-after all, doesn't everyone want to feel like they're taking the necessary steps forward? I've resettled in another city and tried to focus on improving myself and meeting new people. I've gone on a few dates but I do feel like I've been going through the motions of meeting new people. Basically, 6 months later, I feel like even more of a mess than when my fiance left. I feel like with more time, I should be further along than I find myself right now. I can't stop pining for him and thinking if we had stayed together I'd be ok-there's so much uncertainty in my life at the moment as I have very little stability. I'm in a new city, often find myself very lonely, and feel like the entire life I was so excited to have has been taken away. He started dating someone almost immediately after breaking up with me, citing the fact that he "thought I didn't love him enough." It's all I can do to not constantly ruminate over how happy he must be while I struggle to find my feet in a strange and often intimidating city. I don't want to feel like a victim, but honestly, I'm just so terribly lost and lonely. I used to feel so in control of my situation and it just doesn't seem to be getting any better for me. I'm really worn out from trying so hard to improve things and be optimistic. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm afraid I'm getting terribly depressed....
AriesBunny Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Chin up VeryConfused! You should still continue going through the motions of meeting new people. Do not try so hard, take baby steps. I know people who resettled to another city to get over heartbreak. Maybe it is time you do it again? A change of scenary maybe good for you. 1
CaliBabe Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Totally normal. I felt like that at the 6 month mark too. I thought I should have been further along, but you know what, it's okay. You will go through your ups and your downs. All you can do is try to be positive and try to get yourself out there. 1
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Have you tried counseling? Maybe all the changes like moving were just too overwhelming. I know sometimes I can find myself pining away for what my life could've been - but then I think of all the bad that wouldve come with it too. Its easy for others to say - just stop thinking about it and try to move on (and it sounds like you have tried) but if it has been 6 mos and you still are feeling depressed it might be time for some professional help.
cflowers32 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Just keep moving forward, you'll get there. I like blindsided's suggestion, it may do some good to talk to a Relationship Specialist/Therapist. I have been there myself, and I see how I am currently feeling now with my X to be the same. I loved him very much, and I am just at a loss. Everyday I feel like totally sh*t and I'm only a week in. I totally feel for you. 1
loveydove Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Chin up VeryConfused! I know people who resettled to another city to get over heartbreak. Maybe it is time you do it again? A change of scenary maybe good for you. I don't think moving again will help because you feel a lack of stability - I want you to know that I feel the exact same way. Everything in my life is up in the air at the moment - work included, and I feel so sad that I no longer can look forward to the life I envisioned together. I was just about to move across the country to be with him, and now it's kind of back to where I started. I don't think you should beat yourself up over the fact that it's been six months, it really isn't that long. And you should commend yourself for starting your life over, and going on dates, etc. That is so brave! The few things that have helped me other than the support we find on this site is exercise - it honestly makes a world of difference! You're not going to want to do it at first, but you'll leave feeling a little better about the way you look and feel. It releases feel good endorphins! You probably already know this, but I wanted to stress it because it is SO important. Also, reaching out to family and close friends. At the end of my relationship, I became so consumed with it I lost sight of other people in my life. Every day I text a different friend, and try to focus on asking them about themselves. It makes me feel more connected and supported. Church has also been helpful for me. I don't want to make it seem like I'm breezing on by...I feel low alot. So in encouraging you, I am also talking to myself. Try to keep busy and reach out to others, it takes the focus off of you. And see The Hunger Games because it will take you away from your problems, and Katniss is so brave : ) Update us, You're going to be fine. Get some sunshine and take Vitamin D : ) -loveydove
CarrieT Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 This is going to sound kinda silly, but I promise is works... "Walk the Walk and Talk the Talk." Literally - to friends and family, act and walk and talk as though you are ecstatically happy and over-the-moon. Be the happiest most joyful person you can. Drip with sugar and love about how wonderful life is and how excited you are to be where you are. Eventually - this is the freaky part - you will start to believe it and you WILL be happy. I have gone through extensive therapy and for days, have lied on a couch about how rotten my life is and how unhappy I was until I tried this technique. I put a face on in public; constantly smiling, engaging in conversation with people on banal topics but all the while, being completely upbeat. I forced myself to smile, even when I didn't feel like it. Freaky how quickly frowning felt wrong and how the adrenaline and endorphins that existed during the fake happy state felt better than the downer chemicals of being sad. Try it just for a weekend and see how it works for you. Then try it for a week longer. Just try it and see.... I dare you! 1
Tethys Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 VeryConfused - I wonder if it would help if you tried to figure out what your fiancee meant to you. What's mixed up in that pining for him? How did you feel when you were with him? Loved? Sexy? Classy? Perhaps some of those things could be found else where. Good friends and family can make you feel loved, or treating yourself to something you usually dont treat your self to might make you feel classy. I dont know, my post is starting to sound silly, but my point is it might make him feel less of a loss if you realized there were a lot of your dreams or desires wrapped up in him that you don't have to give up on. You can still be all the things you imagined you'd be with him.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 First off, HUGS to you. Secondly, 6 months is a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. You cannot put a timeline on healing or set limitations. You are in a funk, but it will pass. You are in a new city; you've not been there that long. Check to see what is going on the community and if you can, how about group trips/bus tours? There are always people to meet. As for your ex, they love to embellish how happy they are to rub it in your face and elevate their ego. Don't believe it. It's just for show. My ex is pulling the same crap==only he is putting it all out there on FB--making certain things public and it's all for show. Just smoke and mirrors, my friend and it screams insecurity. You will get through this slump. 1
LogicallyIllogical Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 You're doing the right thing. While your ex jumped into another relationship to fill the void of what you left, you're taking care of business and getting back to your old self. Don't worry about him. He's eventually going to have some issues to sort through either during or after his rebound ends. The best advice is to fake it until you make it. Little by little, time will pass where you're not thinking of your ex. Sure, when you realize you haven't been thinking of your ex and they pop back into your head, it's like reality slaps you in the face again. Tough it out and plaster a smile on your face while you're with others, even if you feel down inside. Over time, that front you keep putting up will stick and you'll be happy again, probably without even recognizing it.
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