ponsettia Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I met an American guy years ago, we kept in contact via email and IMs, and the occasional phone call. He understood that I have a poor relationship with my family and didn't push the issue (some guys don't like it when you don't want them to meet your family) anyways we'd been an 'item' for years, and one Leap Year in the 90s I proposed to him, he accepted. We started talking about where to get married and settled for getting married here (Ireland) with my family/friends in attendance, and over there with his family/friends. One evening while we were chatting about wedding plans, he stated that he wanted to have "at least four kids". I said I didn't know about that, babies aren't something you can just order up, nature can interfere in your plans, and that there was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to have more than one baby - due to a medical problem I have. Cut a loong story short, we discussed it briefly and then he dumped me. Literally just stopped talking to me. I didn't hear from him for years and years. About 8 years ago I got a friend request on Facebook and it was this guy. I'd gotten over him by that stage of the game and accepted the request. He cautiously messaged me to ask how I was? I replied and we started chatting again, and very quickly we were back into our old 'relationship'. We'd always had a lot in common and really got on very well with each other, and TBH I always had thought he was The One (perhaps being a bit naïve in my youth, but...). Along comes another Leap Year (2008) and I proposed again, and he accepted. This time there was no mention of children. I bought an engagement ring and sent him a photo of it, although we didn't start making any plans for the wedding. Then one of my brothers got engaged, so I told my guy and asked if he'd be my Plus One for the wedding? He accepted. Then he said he'd come over here for a month, to go to the wedding, and have an extended holiday so we could get to know each other 'properly' again, before planning our own wedding. Then three members of my extended family passed away in the space of 6 months, the last of these about 4 months before the wedding. I assumed the wedding would be postponed, or at the very least toned down, so let my guy know ... The wedding didn't get postponed, or toned down, it was going ahead regardless. So I emailed him to tell him the wedding was still on and to dust of his tuxedo and passport. He basically said he wasn't coming - I'd told him the wedding was off and he'd cancelled his plans. He then started sending me IMs when I was offline, and some of them seemed a bit 'strange'. He'd ask me if I watch certain TV shows, that he knows I watch (we have similar tastes that way), and other things that just seemed 'off'. One afternoon I had a look at his Facebook page. I'd never looked before, why would I, I know this guy, he lives in California, is an art connoisseur, spends his weekends and days off touring art galleries, going to vineyards for wine tasting and potters around in his garden while his dog snores on the porch. He works in IT, has his own business ... yadda yadda. He had over 300 friends, I took a peek, they all seemed to be women. Scantily clad women... oh-kaay. I took a look at his favourites (or likes or whatever it was called) and there were over 250 things listed. The vast majority of them were beer, or beer related. There was nothing about art, wine, dogs, or anything ... I started looking through his photo albums, and all there are are photos of people standing around at beer festivals drinking beer. Including one photo of a bloated blotched faced guy flaked out in a plastic lawn chair with beer bottles and glasses all around him, food stains on his clothes. It was him. Things started clicking into place, the strange online hours he was keeping, his reluctance to talk about his job, the strange messages he was sending me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, it was bleedin' obvious he was drunk! Not when I'd first met him mind, but since we'd re-connected... He's never told me what he was up to during the years we weren't in contact with each other (I'd told him about my life) which bothered me a bit, but I didn't read too much into it. I know he's single. I don't know if he got married in the 'break' and divorced. I'm assuming somewhere along the line his company failed or whatever and he's working somewhere else now. I've not spoken to him since. I've had two offline IMs from him saying "hi" and nothing else - both were sent at around 3am his time... I chatted with my gal pals online about it. One of them thought I should tell him what I saw, ask what's been going on in his life that he's turned into a drunken bum. The others said it really depended on whether or not I wanted to stay or go (so to speak) and that talking to him about it would be a good start... Thing is I've no idea what to say to him! I'm not a child (I'm in my 40s now) so I'm not blundering into this without having the first clue what I'd be getting into. Clean and sober he's as close to being my Ideal Man as I think I'm ever going to get. But right now...not so much! Should I give him up as a dead loss? Should I say something to him - and if so, what do I say?
Woowoo Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Im not sure if continuing the relationship itself would be a wise idea, this man has obviously lied to you about alot of things since being back in touch. And pretended to be something he isnt, (or isnt anymore). I personally feel that love and trust should go hand in hand, and he has taken to a certain extent abused that trust. On the other hand, you have known him a long time, and obviously have feelings for him. At the very least I would say that you deserve an explanation. I would suggest asking the question, what is going on? Explain what you have seen, and what your concerns are. If his answers are satisfactory and you still have strong feelings, then make a decision. It maybe that he has indeed fallen on hard times during the time you were not in contact, and is embarressed about telling you what his life is like now. It may be that he is no more than a lager lout. You wont know until you ask. The very best of luck to you, I hope everything works out. xxxxxxxxxx
Ghisop Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Wow- this story is crazy. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I would feel really lied to. I don't even know what to say. It's horrible thinking you know someone then looking at their page and seeing something so different. He did add you and assumed you would look- which is odd because you think he would know it's not what he seems to be... I guess maybe you only know one side of him. I would tred very carefully.
Author ponsettia Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Im not sure if continuing the relationship itself would be a wise idea, this man has obviously lied to you about alot of things since being back in touch. And pretended to be something he isnt, (or isnt anymore). To be pedantic he's withheld information, but then I didn't actually ask him anything, I just assumed that when I was done telling him "this is what I've been doing" he'd tell me what he'd been up to! Explain what you have seen, and what your concerns are. If his answers are satisfactory and you still have strong feelings, then make a decision. It maybe that he has indeed fallen on hard times during the time you were not in contact, and is embarressed about telling you what his life is like now. It may be that he is no more than a lager lout. You wont know until you ask. The very best of luck to you, I hope everything works out. Thanks! Wow- this story is crazy. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I would feel really lied to. I don't even know what to say. It's horrible thinking you know someone then looking at their page and seeing something so different. He did add you and assumed you would look- which is odd because you think he would know it's not what he seems to be... I guess maybe you only know one side of him. I would tred very carefully. Yeah, it's odd that he didn't seem to be bothered by the idea that I can see his FB page and see what he's like now and make a comparison with what he used to be ... He's left another offline "hi" on my IM, I think maybe I'll reply and see if I can't get him into a conversation and as Woowoo suggested ask him what's going on? Thanks for the replies
FitChick Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 How many times have you met this man over the years? When and where?
january2011 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I don't think you really know this man at all. Certainly not enough to marry him. I suggest cutting your losses and going NC, including FaceBook. And rewire your people-picking radar.
Author ponsettia Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 How many times have you met this man over the years? When and where? I have family in America, I used to visit them quite often, so any time I was on the west coast, we'd meet up. I met him originally when I was 29/30 y/o. I don't think you really know this man at all. Certainly not enough to marry him. You can make that determination based on a shortened version of events over the last 17 years of my life?? OMG this board is better than I was led to believe for relationship advice! I suggest cutting your losses and going NC, including FaceBook. Shockingly enough I already had, ooh about a year ago... I was merely asking what others thought of the situation given that three of my friends reckon (after I mentioned to them about him still sending me offline IMs) I should give it another go and the others didn't object one way or the other. He doesn't seem to have noticed my updates etc aren't appearing on his FB page n'more, nor that I haven't answered any of his IMs... To quote my gal pal "aww he still has feelings for you!!" I think t'is just the drink. That pal is overly fond of a G&T of an evening And rewire your people-picking radar. Got a screwdriver I can borrow
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