I am curious

[bentnotbroken]

It's called not growing up. Like little kids, the best some people can do to express themselves is to make up childish names.

 

 

I can agree with this. Along with the other sign of immaturity...cheating.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I have a question for you. If your H had never had an A, and you lived your life as you had before. (sorry, I haven't read your back ground...not that much time) But, if you had been on the path prior to the A, would you be really happy? I mean down deep. With the love that you wanted and deserved? Or is there a part of you that although it was an awful way for your M to turn around, are you somewhat glad it did? I am asking because I see some M's that are better after an A. And although I am sure the BS wishes it NEVER happened, are actually in a better place than before.

 

For me, I wish like hell I would have NEVER had an A. However, I have grown so much through this, and I know what I want and what I do not want, and I am at peace now. So, although I wish I had not done it, I can certainly see how God really does turn things to good.

 

How do you feel about this school of thought?

 

It's a great question and one I have wracked my head and heart about often.

 

I do not want to sound in anyway superior or snarky or condescending....

 

but I was always me, here, waiting for him to realize what we had; waiting for him to be the man I always believed he was, and could be again.

 

I would get a glimpse of it now and then, the relationship would soar for a while, but then it would flatten out, and no matter what I did,he wasn't happier within himself. He'd grow distant at times; I'd grow lonely.

 

I stopped wishing he would be happier within himself. Even I know you can't love sadness out of a person, or fix or change another. And what ever his sadness or anger was, he would rarely to never communicate the source of it because I don't think he truly knew.

 

Our lives did take a left, many times, and I hung on, did what I had to do, and kept moving forward. We had three children to raise!

 

Sadly, it took me walking out the door after his affair to have him wake up and cherish me and us, get to counseling for FOO issues, and stop pretending he had to be something he was not. My H was insecure, virtually an abused child, and he never felt good enough or worthy enough.

 

But here was my lesson to learn: There was nothing I could have done to change that. HE needed to want to change himself.

 

I could not be happier to have him become the man he is!

 

But, I would rather have a lobotomy than to think he had to have an affair and ALMOST LOSE everything...for us to get here.

 

So, it's a blessing and a curse all in one! Like most great acheivements.

[findingnemo]

It's a great question and one I have wracked my head and heart about often.

 

I do not want to sound in anyway superior or snarky or condescending....

 

but I was always me, here, waiting for him to realize what we had; waiting for him to be the man I always believed he was, and could be again.

 

I would get a glimpse of it now and then, the relationship would soar for a while, but then it would flatten out, and no matter what I did,he wasn't happier within himself. He'd grow distant at times; I'd grow lonely.

 

I stopped wishing he would be happier within himself. Even I know you can't love sadness out of a person, or fix or change another. And what ever his sadness or anger was, he would rarely to never communicate the source of it because I don't think he truly knew.

 

Our lives did take a left, many times, and I hung on, did what I had to do, and kept moving forward. We had three children to raise!

 

Sadly, it took me walking out the door after his affair to have him wake up and cherish me and us, get to counseling for FOO issues, and stop pretending he had to be something he was not. My H was insecure, virtually an abused child, and he never felt good enough or worthy enough.

 

But here was my lesson to learn: There was nothing I could have done to change that. HE needed to want to change himself.

 

I could not be happier to have him become the man he is!

 

But, I would rather have a lobotomy than to think he had to have an affair and ALMOST LOSE everything...for us to get here.

 

So, it's a blessing and a curse all in one! Like most great acheivements.

 

I too know people who think that the A their WH had was a blessing in disguise. Not really the As because they still cringe when speaking of them but the ensuing growth that resulted from the struggle to reconcile. The forced need to start again which then led to a deeper more meaningful R than was there before. I listen to them in amazement because I don't know if I could go through all that and come out okay. Kudos, Spark!