My phone doesn't work. Seriously?

[waiting4u]

So I'm dating this guy and things have become serious. He refers to me as his girlfriend and send me lovey-dovey notes on Facebook. When we first got together he would text me poems and sweet things, etc. Then a few weeks into the relationship he says "my phone isn't going to be working for a couple days." I asked him why and he says it takes a while for his minutes to roll over. I figured he forgot to pay the bill or something and dismissed it, as he is in almost constant contact with me on Facebook (probably on the non-working phone). He has also called me from his work number and he still carries the phone around with him - he slept over the other night and I noticed it.

 

A week goes by and the phone still doesn't work. Now he tells me that he has to "confess" that before he met me, his roommate was trying to fix him up with a girl who is a client and she is blowing up his phone. He can't offend her, as she is a client, so he is just going to shut off his phone until the deal is over and he gets paid. Well, the other day he told me she canceled the deal they had, so that should no longer be an issue. He said he would get the phone turned back on in a couple days. A couple days go by - no phone.

 

Last night I brought it up AGAIN (and I'm starting to feel like I'm being unreasonably suspicious or something and nagging him about it) and he says "if my phone was working this relationship would have ended a long time ago." What does THAT mean?

 

Normally I would be suspicious about his interest in me, but I get so many Facebook messages from him - like 4 to 6 a day - that its pretty obvious he's into me. I spend time at his work, I know all his co-workers and close friends. I've slept over at his house. I know his roommate. If he's cheating then everyone is in on it but me. I have no idea what to think. My friend told me today that you can tell if a phone is working because your text will go through. So I sent a smiley face text and sure enough, it went through, so the phone is still in service.

 

What the heck? Wouldn't this bother the heck out of you? Am I being unreasonable? It's not that I want to be calling him or texting him all the time, it's just freaking suspicious.

Edited March 29, 2012 by waiting4u

[waiting4u]

Since nobody seems to have anything to say on this issue, I guess I'll ask another question, am I overreacting? Do you think he's cheating or hiding something?

[FitChick]

Which relationship would have ended if his phone had been working? That chick or you? I'm confused.

 

My motto is "When in doubt, back off and wait."

[waiting4u]

yeah good motto.

[ditzchic]

I don't know if I would jump to the conclusion that he is cheating but something definitely seems off. This whole situation smells funny. I think fitchick gives good advice in saying you should probably back off and wait it out. The answer might reveal itself.

[LexiB]

Have you tried calling him since he told you his phone's been off? If he cancelled it I think you would get a "this number has been disconnected" sort of message.

 

I'm wondering if he really cancelled it or if he just doesn't want you calling him when he may be out with someone else...

[waiting4u]

@Lexi - I don't want to call because I try not to generally call men unless I'm returning a call. It sounds stupid, but it's just sort of the way I roll. But that's a good idea. See if it goes to voicemail.

 

I just don't know who this other woman would be unless he is blatantly dating both of us, screwing one of the girls at his work, or if she is some ex that he is just in a lot of phone contact with. Plus he spent pretty much the entire last weekend with me and is in contact so much that it seems like I sort of know his schedule.

 

Arghhhh - maybe he's a drug addict? He works nights. Makes no freaking sense.

Edited March 29, 2012 by waiting4u

[dasein]

So I'm dating this guy and things have become serious. He refers to me as his girlfriend and send me lovey-dovey notes on Facebook.

 

Some info missing, how long have you known him? been dating? how many dates? have you actually had an exclusivity talk?

 

Depending on the above, it's tough to resist, but unwise to get emotionally involved with someone quickly. We've all done it so no harm no foul if you are, just consider it.

 

In this day and age, people seeking exclusive relationships, need to be clear about exclusivity, else with standards today, disappointment is inevitable.

 

His phone excuse sounds real fishy, but your insistence that he initiate calls is kind of gamey.

 

This isn't one of those constant contact way too soon deals is it? Try to limit contacts to dates and expect that from men, until you have enough face to face under the bridge to know to the extent you can that you are both on the same page. Good luck.

[waiting4u]

@Dasein - we've been dating about four and a half months, something like that. First three months was like twice a week - real casual - just drinks like we were friends. I wasn't sold on liking him, but he apparently liked me and he sort of grew on me. We've been sleeping together about a month - and since then it's almost constant contact with Facebook and he does this "i miss you the minute you leave" thing. We have talked about whether we are "boyfriend / girlfriend" which sort of implies exclusivity in my opinion. And he talks very serious about the future and stuff idk. The chemistry is great. I've had some reservations, but I've been starting to just go with it because he's quite sweet to me.

 

It may be gamey that he initiate contact, but I've had issues in the past where men seemed to not like it when i did so, so I guess it's kind of a learned behavior. I certainly don't demand contact - he sends me songs or poetry or general love notes pretty much every day on Facebook.

 

And I know it's moving too quickly - it scares me a lot - but I feel like I know him pretty well - or did know him well before we slept together. I've actually always thought he liked me more than I liked him.

 

Anyway the phone thing is pissing me off seriously.

[dasein]

I dunno, it just doesn't sound like you really know who he is and that + the lack of well-defined exclusivity could mean another woman or women in the picture. Have you met his family, friends? Do you spend entire weekends together? What indicia of "is a relationship" exist as opposed to "not a relationship?" During the phone silence period were you still seeing each other regularly, spending the night? Spending lots of time together? Are you sure he isn't just sweet talking you as a booty call? Oh re: FB are his comments public on your wall or via private message? If he's all public about calling you his GF, you may not have that much to worry about.

[waiting4u]

I dunno, it just doesn't sound like you really know who he is and that + the lack of well-defined exclusivity could mean another woman or women in the picture. Have you met his family, friends? Do you spend entire weekends together? What indicia of "is a relationship" exist as opposed to "not a relationship?" During the phone silence period were you still seeing each other regularly, spending the night? Spending lots of time together? Are you sure he isn't just sweet talking you as a booty call? Oh re: FB are his comments public on your wall or via private message? If he's all public about calling you his GF, you may not have that much to worry about.

 

I do know ALL of his friends from his work, and everyone there knows we are dating each other. I know his roommate. I haven't met his family yet, but seriously, it's a bit early for that. We recently spent an entire weekend together, but I have children so we don't sleep over often. During the "phone silence period" we were still seeing each other nearly every other day. And the Facebook messages are all private messages. He has posted on my wall, but nothing about being his "girlfriend."

 

Honestly, I don't feel like he's the player type - he's a bit nerdy and awkward (although I think he's great-looking) but he probably meets a lot of women at his work (because of the nature of his job) so it doesn't mean he's not with someone else.

 

I'm not so much worried about the relationship as much as what he's hiding. There is some huge reason the phone is "not working" for 3 weeks.

Edited March 29, 2012 by waiting4u

[dasein]

I'm not so much worried about the relationship as much as what he's hiding. There is some huge reason the phone is "not working" for 3 weeks.

 

Agree, but that's almost bizarre enough to be true though. I had a bad phone in a bad cell area for six months once. Friends and family were royally pissed off at dropped calls, non register calls, VM I didn't get for weeks later. Was a pain. I told some my phone wasn't working, when technically it was, just intermittently.

 

HOWEVER, had I been with someone at the time, would have done skype, gotten one of those magic jacks, ISP phone service or something. Suggest he look into getting a landline from his cable company, if he already gets cable and net from the same company, it's practically free. His reaction to that could be telling.

[waiting4u]

That's an idea Dasein, and thanks for the input. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately idk - I sort of lost my temper about it this morning and temporarily deactivated my Facebook account. Sent him a message saying it was "getting in the way of my work" (which is true). Yeah, it's manipulative as hell, but I've had it with the phone thing. At this point, if he wants to get in touch with me, he'll have to get a phone.

 

I think I need a little space anyway - the 4-5 lovey-dovey Facebook messages a day were getting to be a bit too much. And I don't like being lied to. The story about this phone issue has changed several times, and something is just not right.

 

Btw Heidegger rocks.

Edited March 29, 2012 by waiting4u

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is the problem with women...when in doubt they make excuses or "back off"....back off for what? you're opening your legs and spending time with the guy yet you feel you need to keep your mouth shut....is this being a good puppy so you don't disappoint your master?

 

You know what happens when you give men time? It lets him do damage control to whatever it is he is hiding from you or doesn't want to tell you so that he continue juggling both situations or whatever the other situation is simultaneously.

 

I mean really? you really buy these excuses? and you're really ok with being with a guy like this? I swear it's like women want to get burned, they do nothing to help themselves, when they should act, they take the timid or passive role then wonder why they're so left in the dark.

 

The facebook messages....big deal. How long or how much time do you think it takes romeo to type these messages up and send them to you while farting around at work? yet he can't call. He can't make the effort on ALL fronts, that is HIGHLY suspicious. That could very well mean he is breaking up communication with other women and designating FB communication with you...or how many other women he could be copying and pasting his retarded poems that he probably sends to every other woman to woo her over.

 

You believe that? so the guy acts suspiciously....gives you some ridiculous lies about his phone...he continues to fail because he's an idiot and keeps letting red flags pop up all over the place....but no no, but all means don't press the man...god forbid you press him and find out the truth. But he sends me FB messages with sweet romantic sayings, and generic poems....really? Is that all it takes? THAT makes up for it because he designates time to spend with you and sleep with you then back off to his regularly scheduled program and you just sit on the backburner and act like that's cool...this is totally the guy I want to be with?

 

Women remind at times of people that go out to buy a vehicle but have done no research and have no idea what they're getting into or doing. Yet instead of being aggressive and assertive and getting the information they can while with the salesman, they find themselves intimidated and passive when they should make a big deal about something or speak up, but they don't so instead the salesman gains more confidence that this person is completely naive and gullible IF they're still sitting there after the bull**** they're being fed. He works up a crappy deal, controls the whole process...she never asks any questions....everything is in the salesman favor and he chuckles under his breathe because in the end she is still afraid...afraid she's going to lose this deal and doesn't want to do anything to spoil it. And then a spark of an idea goes off in her head "Is there something wrong with this picture here? Or am I just paranoid"....It's a total face palm moment.

 

"if my phone was working this relationship would have ended a long time ago."

 

To me it either implies that the sheer amount of contact with you would be too much and he wouldn't be able to tolerate you any longer.

 

Or If his phone was active because some psychopath that found out the poems and niceties were bull**** went nuts on his ass so he had to go so far as to shut off his phone because he had no choice...and maybe he would have hooked up with her again or someone else and left you by the way side.

 

The bottom line however Is it can't possibly mean anything good.

Now he tells me that he has to "confess" that before he met me, his roommate was trying to fix him up with a girl who is a client and she is blowing up his phone.

 

Probably a bull**** tidbit of the actual truth, which Is the tip of the iceberg to something huge you don't know about it...he's likely sleeping with her or has.

 

Honestly If I was him I wouldn't even be worried, you don't do anything or press any of your questions, you roll over quite easy and continue to go with the flow in spite of all the red flags...that means I can bail at any time and you'd just sit there with a stupid look on your face trying to figure out what you did wrong...there's no liability to me or discomfort other than you frequently come into the restaurant...although I'm probably used to that since I have a position of power and like to woo grow on the young damsels.

 

Bottom line...I think this is kind of his game, this is what he knows what to do to try and win women over, I don't sense a lot genuine action by this guy. A guy that is really into to you doesn't make excuses about his phone like that, that's incredibly shady and a huge red flag. The fact that he sends you these sweet nothings on facebook as a man means absolutely nothing to me, it doesn't flow with the big picture and it sounds generic for this guy.

 

Some guys that aren't great with women need to make promises they can't keep and make a big show about everything to try and "enchant" you, because they don't have a normal level of confidence so they compensate with these other actions and things they think they should do and say to be romantic and keep you on the hook.

 

You need to press for more questions, but honestly he's already showed in my eyes he doesn't have a lot of respect for you, so you've already lost the battle. His actions dictate you are not a priority.

[waiting4u]

Okay Ninja, calm down. I get what you are saying - and I'm not a particular trusting person so I hear you. I think you are going a little off the deep end here. This is perhaps an example of it being impossible to paint an accurate portrait of another person in one of these threads.

 

I have taken action to show him (because I've already told him several times) that this phone thing is not acceptable. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt to a certain extent, but right now he's at the point where he literally CAN'T CONTACT ME unless he calls. And I can identify his roommate's number and his work number on my caller ID, so I will only answer a cell that belongs to him. I lot of people would call this manipulation. I call it teaching someone how to treat you.

 

So no worries Ninja, I'm not getting walked all over or being stupid (at least I hope not). I think I know this guy well enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. And while all the poetry and **** sounds stupid - I've found it rather thoughtful. And he's been thoughtful and considerate in other ways as well. That doesn't mean, of course, that he's not sleeping with someone else. And I think some things are going to come to light pretty soon.

[dasein]

Btw Heidegger rocks.

 

Haha, you are the first person in a year here who has gotten the reference. Am afraid if certain elements here see it, though, am going to be called a nazi even more than I have been already. But yeah, Heidegger rocks.

 

@ninja, I agree with lots of what you say, but it seems she -is- angry about this and is not simply rolling over.

[waiting4u]

There's a great message in that book - this idea of becoming as something that never ends is an optimistic view of life in my opinion. I've never read Being and Time in its entirety though - they call it one of the most difficult books in the English language.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Okay Ninja, calm down. I get what you are saying - and I'm not a particular trusting person so I hear you. I think you are going a little off the deep end here. This is perhaps an example of it being impossible to paint an accurate portrait of another person in one of these threads.

 

I have taken action to show him (because I've already told him several times) that this phone thing is not acceptable. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt to a certain extent, but right now he's at the point where he literally CAN'T CONTACT ME unless he calls. And I can identify his roommate's number and his work number on my caller ID, so I will only answer a cell that belongs to him. I lot of people would call this manipulation. I call it teaching someone how to treat you.

 

So no worries Ninja, I'm not getting walked all over or being stupid (at least I hope not). I think I know this guy well enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. And while all the poetry and **** sounds stupid - I've found it rather thoughtful. And he's been thoughtful and considerate in other ways as well. That doesn't mean, of course, that he's not sleeping with someone else. And I think some things are going to come to light pretty soon.

 

I'm not upset or anything, I'm just trying to put a little fire under your butt so you can actually get the answers...I know how women are, I know how they like to just wait and see what happens...If you could be a fly on my shoulder and I took you behind the scenes to men you'd realize how many of the things women do are completely counterproductive and fall right into the hands or plans of that man spinning whatever bs he is trying to get away with.

 

You can do whatever you want of course, I honestly don't expect you to change your tactics...most people like to stick with what they're doing liek it'll actually work yet they find themselves in the same position, blinding and unknowing, unaware...I just wish you could see it on this end, It makes you shake your head so much as a man, and then as a man when you tell women what they do because you are a man and you know better, they still don't do it.

 

Bottom line is women are too afraid to get the truth and find out what's really going on in fear of chasing the guy away, it's completely ridiculous because a guy that acts out in certain ways shows he's not interested anyway in the long-term, so in the end you just wasted and prolonged the inevitable without finding out now whether thats the case....I may not know the whole story, but I understand men extremely well....enough to make pretty extensive claims because I've seen it all in one shape or form, it's the same song with a different tune, It's only complex to you because you asses the mans character and let the qualities of the man delude the reality, you let it blind you.

 

It's like I'm blind-folded and swinging at a pinata, I know It's close and in front of me...just a little more time and information and I'll smack the crap out of it.

[dasein]

Well he was a stodgy, teutonic, Kantish pedant (not that that's all bad), leading to all the interspersed Latin and Greek on the one hand, and without an adequate vocabulary on the other, as the essential question had been taken for granted or left alone for centuries. Hence the tortured prose. The concepts themselves aren't really that difficult. Would recommend "The Question Concerning Technology," if you haven't read that yet, and his retort to Sartre.