MissStackhouse Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I'm new here to the forums so please bare with me! I met my ex on an online dating website (don't judge LOL) in the beginning of October. There was an instant connection (never thought it would happen from an online website) and we started to date immediately. Spending the majority of our weekends together, one night during the week, phone calls, texting, etc. We spent both of our birthdays together (we both just turned 39), the major holidays (thanksgiving, chirstmas, new years, valentines day), met each others families, took a few trips down the shore, spent time with each others friends - the whole 9 yards. I have never been that happy with someone (including a 2 year live-in relationship that ended 3 years ago). (A little background: Like I said, we are both 39. He has never been married, has no children, and his last serious relationship was at least a decade ago. I have one child - a 15 year old.) 3 weekends ago we took a trip down the shore for a Saint Patricks Day parade and all the festivities that were going on. We spent Friday night with his folks, and Saturday night in a motel. It was a blast. The day after that his job took him to a location pretty far away. he had a 2 hour commute each way. Communication was difficult, when he got home he was too tired to talk to me, and we didn't see much of each other. Last Wednesday he phoned me at night and told me that he was spending the weekend with his parents. I was bummed out, but tried to not show it...I basically said "I miss spending time with you but there will be other weekends..." there were a few other things said here and there but then, out of the blue he said "I think we jumped into this too fast." I was gutted, didn't see this comming and started sobbing. I was so upset that I can barely remember the whole conversation. I Know he told me he "wasn't ready for this kind of relationship", that I pushed him, that he has too much stuff going on in his life (money problems, the work commute, his POS car that keeps breaking, etc.). The conversation got very emotional and we agreed to speak Friday (take thursday as an NC day). Friday night he phoned me, but his car had broken down (again) and he needed it to get to his folks Saturday and was working Sunday. He quickly asked how I was feeling and I admitted "Awful...I feel awful". he said we'd talk soon but he needed to get his car to the shop. Needless to say, I didn't hear from him all weekend and I basically spend the next 3 days crying my eyes out. I barely sleep, can't eat, have a pit in my stomach, a knot in my throat, heart palpatations, trouble concentrating, etc. Long story short, he called me Tuesday night - we had a decent conversation, where I was prepared to say "ok, I understand...I miss you and what we had and didn't want my last memory of you on the phone, while I was a mess, tar the time we spent together and the things we shared - I didn't want to remember you that way". He basically kept saying that he wasn't "ready yet" for that kind of commitment, etc but wanted to still see me and speak to me. I really don't know what that means...I don't understand why I handed him a clean break on a silver platter (I was afraid he would be too chicken to say he didn't want me in his life, so I was trying to cut to the chase) but he said he wanted to see me later in the week and talk to me, etc. I'm gutted and feel just so lost and alone. I'm dreading the weekends. I have no intentions of contacting him. I miss him in my life dearly. Sorry if this is a bit long!
Philosoraptor Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 If he hasn't had a commitment in over a decade then the issue is likely a fear of commitment on his end. He probably would have done this same thing to anyone else. Gather yourself together and look for the signs of a commitmentphobe in whomever you date next.
Author MissStackhouse Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Thank you. He really acted like he was "all in". I've obviously had breakups before, but none of them have hurt this deeply.
robkris8079 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 It was just that an "act". Let me tell you something about "all in". Mine moved in with me, talked about future, week before wrote me "We've had 5 great Vday's together, and can't wait for many more", was buying stuff for the house and looking for more bigger things like furniture and appliances, was looking for a dog for us, blah blah blah. There is tons more. This was right up to one weekend. She then just didn't love me. There can't be away to just shut it off like that. Must have been and ongoing issue in her head. Even as she did and wrote those things. She must have been struggling inside. I too have had breakups including a divorce but this one and this time was the only one I was "all in" for. I don't think my ex ever really knew what that term meant or how it felt.
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I'm new here to the forums so please bare with me! I met my ex on an online dating website (don't judge LOL) in the beginning of October. There was an instant connection (never thought it would happen from an online website) and we started to date immediately. Spending the majority of our weekends together, one night during the week, phone calls, texting, etc. We spent both of our birthdays together (we both just turned 39), the major holidays (thanksgiving, chirstmas, new years, valentines day), met each others families, took a few trips down the shore, spent time with each others friends - the whole 9 yards. I have never been that happy with someone (including a 2 year live-in relationship that ended 3 years ago). (A little background: Like I said, we are both 39. He has never been married, has no children, and his last serious relationship was at least a decade ago. I have one child - a 15 year old.) 3 weekends ago we took a trip down the shore for a Saint Patricks Day parade and all the festivities that were going on. We spent Friday night with his folks, and Saturday night in a motel. It was a blast. The day after that his job took him to a location pretty far away. he had a 2 hour commute each way. Communication was difficult, when he got home he was too tired to talk to me, and we didn't see much of each other. Last Wednesday he phoned me at night and told me that he was spending the weekend with his parents. I was bummed out, but tried to not show it...I basically said "I miss spending time with you but there will be other weekends..." there were a few other things said here and there but then, out of the blue he said "I think we jumped into this too fast." I was gutted, didn't see this comming and started sobbing. I was so upset that I can barely remember the whole conversation. I Know he told me he "wasn't ready for this kind of relationship", that I pushed him, that he has too much stuff going on in his life (money problems, the work commute, his POS car that keeps breaking, etc.). The conversation got very emotional and we agreed to speak Friday (take thursday as an NC day). Friday night he phoned me, but his car had broken down (again) and he needed it to get to his folks Saturday and was working Sunday. He quickly asked how I was feeling and I admitted "Awful...I feel awful". he said we'd talk soon but he needed to get his car to the shop. Needless to say, I didn't hear from him all weekend and I basically spend the next 3 days crying my eyes out. I barely sleep, can't eat, have a pit in my stomach, a knot in my throat, heart palpatations, trouble concentrating, etc. Long story short, he called me Tuesday night - we had a decent conversation, where I was prepared to say "ok, I understand...I miss you and what we had and didn't want my last memory of you on the phone, while I was a mess, tar the time we spent together and the things we shared - I didn't want to remember you that way". He basically kept saying that he wasn't "ready yet" for that kind of commitment, etc but wanted to still see me and speak to me. I really don't know what that means...I don't understand why I handed him a clean break on a silver platter (I was afraid he would be too chicken to say he didn't want me in his life, so I was trying to cut to the chase) but he said he wanted to see me later in the week and talk to me, etc. I'm gutted and feel just so lost and alone. I'm dreading the weekends. I have no intentions of contacting him. I miss him in my life dearly. Sorry if this is a bit long! Sounds eerily like my situation - I am 38 - divorced with a 12yr old - Ex is 35 never married - no kids - we dated for 6mos - everything was great - no fights - he was always making future plans - always doing sweet stuff - then one day - out of the blue - "I cant see a future with you" "I have feelings for you but I am not in love with you" "We can be great friends and companions" - OMG I was devastated & still am. He truly is a great guy and deserves to go try to find "The love of his life" - I guess I am not it. It hurts like hell but you have to accept it. I still have hope he will see what is out there isnt any better than what we had (I know - wishful thinking) You need to got NC - for your sanity - I have one last event to go to with him tonight & after I am going to tell him I need some time & we cant be friends right now. It is just too hard on me. I have started to feel a tiny bit better these last two weeks & I am fully prepared to start back to square one after tonight. I know its tough - but this forum is very helpful - come here when you are feeling bad
Author MissStackhouse Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Sounds eerily like my situation - I am 38 - divorced with a 12yr old - Ex is 35 never married - no kids - we dated for 6mos - everything was great - no fights - he was always making future plans - always doing sweet stuff - then one day - out of the blue - "I cant see a future with you" "I have feelings for you but I am not in love with you" "We can be great friends and companions" - OMG I was devastated & still am. He truly is a great guy and deserves to go try to find "The love of his life" - I guess I am not it. It hurts like hell but you have to accept it. I still have hope he will see what is out there isnt any better than what we had (I know - wishful thinking) You need to got NC - for your sanity - I have one last event to go to with him tonight & after I am going to tell him I need some time & we cant be friends right now. It is just too hard on me. I have started to feel a tiny bit better these last two weeks & I am fully prepared to start back to square one after tonight. I know its tough - but this forum is very helpful - come here when you are feeling bad yeah - he told me that he "likes being alone". And, like you, I keep hoping that he'll realize what he threw away - but I know deep inside that he knows and just doesn't care. NC won't be too difficult for me because I have no intentions of contacting him. When someone wants out of my life, then thats what they get. I can vanish better than anyway. I think he wants to keep the door slightly open in case he gets bored or lonely. 1
cflowers32 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 MissS, I am so sorry, I relate, you sound just like me. That is so close to "our story", and I totally feel for you. I am at work right now and I wanted to reach out to you so you know that there are plenty of us out there going through the same thing. I am mad at him because I think he's making a mistake, I miss him, I still love him, but I am staying away, coming here, and maybe... maybe not, I'm going to survive either way. Take care of yourself right now, do some good things for you. Come here, we will all support you and in turn, you can share and support with others. This site is a blessing. I would probably be a lot worse off if I did not have LS to come to. My very best to you. Tons of *HUGS*
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 yeah - he told me that he "likes being alone". And, like you, I keep hoping that he'll realize what he threw away - but I know deep inside that he knows and just doesn't care. NC won't be too difficult for me because I have no intentions of contacting him. When someone wants out of my life, then thats what they get. I can vanish better than anyway. I think he wants to keep the door slightly open in case he gets bored or lonely. I wish I could be that strong!
Author MissStackhouse Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 MissS, I am so sorry, I relate, you sound just like me. That is so close to "our story", and I totally feel for you. I am at work right now and I wanted to reach out to you so you know that there are plenty of us out there going through the same thing. I am mad at him because I think he's making a mistake, I miss him, I still love him, but I am staying away, coming here, and maybe... maybe not, I'm going to survive either way. Take care of yourself right now, do some good things for you. Come here, we will all support you and in turn, you can share and support with others. This site is a blessing. I would probably be a lot worse off if I did not have LS to come to. My very best to you. Tons of *HUGS* Thank you so very much. The whole thing was so hurtful to me...and about an hour ago he changed his Facebook Status to "single"...and I'm sitting here at work and nearly had a meltdown.
cflowers32 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Thank you so very much. The whole thing was so hurtful to me...and about an hour ago he changed his Facebook Status to "single"...and I'm sitting here at work and nearly had a meltdown. Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I KNOW that deep, sinking, sh*tty feeling. Tons of *HUGS*
Senateguy Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I'll give you the brutal truth because I always appreciated when someone gives it to me. You have a kid and he is probably not feeling that with respect to a long term relationship. He had a good time with you, you probably got really clingy and it freaked him out. He looked at the situation and bugged. If there is one recommendation i could make for a women with kids who is dating is that you should be really careful with guys who don't have kids. They are very unlikely to commit to you long term because they don't want to raise someone else's child. You should look to date a guy who himself has kids. This has a high likelihood of happening again if you meet a guy with no children. I'm sorry for your pain and loss 1
Meg717 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Facebook is the worst!! It drove me nuts for the first 2 weeks of our break up (almost at a month). Even though we decided it would we best if we were not FB friends, I knew his password (he didn't change it - I changed mine) so I would log in and I read into EVERYTHING he wrote, every music video he posted, it was killing me! I'd put him and his female co-worker together even though it was a far fetched idea that they were together. I suggest you just unfriend him. Everything you see will just constantly upset you, status', pictures, etc. It hurts a lot at first bc you just want to know what they're up to but eventually, you stop wondering. 1
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 (edited) I'll give you the brutal truth because I always appreciated when someone gives it to me. You have a kid and he is probably not feeling that with respect to a long term relationship. He had a good time with you, you probably got really clingy and it freaked him out. He looked at the situation and bugged. If there is one recommendation i could make for a women with kids who is dating is that you should be really careful with guys who don't have kids. They are very unlikely to commit to you long term because they don't want to raise someone else's child. You should look to date a guy who himself has kids. This has a high likelihood of happening again if you meet a guy with no children. I'm sorry for your pain and loss I'm not sure if you are referring to the OP here or what but for my situation - my son is almost 12 & is with me only half the time - He already has a very involved father - I never was going to introduce him to my son - he was the one who pushed for that - I had plenty of time to spend with him when my son wasnt around. I never went into this situation looking for a deep serious relationship but my heart took over what my head wanted to do. I do understand what you are saying to a point & I could see if the children where very young but its unfair to generalize - not everyone situation is so black & white & not all women with kids are looking for someone to help "raise" their kids & I didnt get "clingy" - far from it - I liked the casual situation - we saw each other when we could & when we didnt - we didnt - I dont need someone around all the time - I liked living alone - I want to go back to that feeling again - I just miss the companionship more than anything Edited March 29, 2012 by blindesided 1
cflowers32 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I'll give you the brutal truth because I always appreciated when someone gives it to me. You have a kid and he is probably not feeling that with respect to a long term relationship. He had a good time with you, you probably got really clingy and it freaked him out. He looked at the situation and bugged. If there is one recommendation i could make for a women with kids who is dating is that you should be really careful with guys who don't have kids. They are very unlikely to commit to you long term because they don't want to raise someone else's child. You should look to date a guy who himself has kids. This has a high likelihood of happening again if you meet a guy with no children. I'm sorry for your pain and loss And further more, really? If you have nothing nice to say, why rub salt in a wound. That was unnecessary. That is not always true. Good point, but it's not the same for everyone.
blotter Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 As a man in his 30's with no kids I can say for myself that nothing will kill the prospects of a LTR faster than dating a hot woman and finding out she has kids from a failed relationship. That's purely me though, i'm sure you can find some guys that wouldn't mind it.
Senateguy Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 And further more, really? If you have nothing nice to say, why rub salt in a wound. That was unnecessary. That is not always true. Good point, but it's not the same for everyone. I always appreciated when someone told me the harsh truth. I've been screwed over myself. It happens. But part of the process that really helped me was when someone sat me down and told me straight up what she was doing and didn't sugar coat it. I'm just looking from the outside in, but that's my guess on what happened. 1
Author MissStackhouse Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I'll give you the brutal truth because I always appreciated when someone gives it to me. You have a kid and he is probably not feeling that with respect to a long term relationship. He had a good time with you, you probably got really clingy and it freaked him out. He looked at the situation and bugged. If there is one recommendation i could make for a women with kids who is dating is that you should be really careful with guys who don't have kids. They are very unlikely to commit to you long term because they don't want to raise someone else's child. You should look to date a guy who himself has kids. This has a high likelihood of happening again if you meet a guy with no children. I'm sorry for your pain and loss I can assure you 100% that my kids had nothing to do with this. He's almost grown and out of the house. Going to be 16 in 2 months, going off to college in 2 years. I know for a fact that my son had nothing to do with this. Keep in mind that this is a man who came out and told me that he preferred being alone, that he hadn't had a relationship in over 10 years, and didn't date much at all.
Author MissStackhouse Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I KNOW that deep, sinking, sh*tty feeling. Tons of *HUGS* Thank you ! It sucks and it was a d*ck-move, especially since we had nice conversation Tuesday night - he could have given me a heads up. The worst part is, is that he's not much of a "facebooker"...he checks in on Foursquare, but that's about it. It was like, for some reason, he was giving me the middle finger passive-aggresively. now I think I probably didn't know him as well as I thought.
Author MissStackhouse Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 hey all...I have one more question...what should I do with his personal items? When we spoke last Tuesday, he said he'd call me at the end of the week and he'd come down to meet up. So I gathered his items to give back to him....but yeah, I never heard from him. So do I text him and ask if he wants me to drop them in the mail? Do I toss them out? Do I just send them back without any notice? I'm sure this question as been asked a dozen times here, but I don't want to go through the whole MB looking for a thread LOL
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