counterman Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 So one of my closest friends, David, told this girl, Angela, who I also know, that he liked her. She told him that she didn't believe in love and that's why she doesn't want to be with him but told him that "you can be my friend as long as you want" So David agreed and told her he was okay with that but he was secretly hoping she would change her mind. Over the past couple of weeks, they've been hanging out A LOT, to the point where he's spending 10+ hours a week with her. The issue is she only wants him as a friend but he think there's hope that she might change her mind. There's been a few incidents where he lashed out at her because she was being 'unresponsive' to him, and I think that has to do with him wanting something in return for all the affection and companionship he's been giving her. The sad thing is, she knows she has this affect on him...but she's also very, very lonely, so she doesn't really want to let him go. In a way, they both are lonely but one of them doesn't want anything more than company and the other wants a relationship. It pains me to see my friend try to rationalise this. He has a pattern for falling for girls who show him any friendly feelings and everyone of those girls have disappeared after he professed his interest, except for this one. He says "this girl is different... it's like we've known each other forever" and she loves him but just says she doesn't want to say it. His attachment is growing the more time he spends with her and his mood has been more volatile. He told me a few days ago that he misses her and feels a bit down... but he saw her for 4 hours just an an a hour before her said that. He goes through depression and happiest cycles. He recently told me that he was confused and didn't know what she wanted (I told him straight up that she didn't want a relationship, in fact, she told him that several times) and then said he would ask her straight out... again. Again, she said she didn't want a relationship and yet he still hangs around her. She even told him that this sort of relationship talk upset her and that he should never ever talk about it again. Lately, he has been ditching his friends (including me) to hang out with her. He hangs out with her when he should be studying. All talk is about her, it's starting to get... freaky. He has a very low opinion of himself, which I've been trying to snap him out of but nothing seems to work. And I think seeing a girl just being friendly with him was enough to make him hall head over heels. In fact, he complained that she was not showing him enough affection. He was just sucking in any scrap of affection she was giving him. I'm worried that he's going to get his heart torn to shreds. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's going to happen. I tried to get him to talk to other girls but he never does and is too scared to. It's a real sad state of affairs. My respect for him has diminished a lot recently and I don't know if I can be his friend anymore. But he is one of my closest friends and we will be studying together. What should I do? I'm thinking I shouldn't do anything and just let him learn his lesson but this really is pathetic...
baguette Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I don't think there's anymore you can do except be there for him when it all comes crashing down. You can't help people who don't want to be helped.
CC12 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I'm thinking I shouldn't do anything and just let him learn his lesson but this really is pathetic... Yeah, it kind of is, but what can you do? It seems that you've tried mentioning things and it doesn't help. If you sat him down and calmly explained how and why he's making a mistake, do you think he would listen? I mean, if he's one of your closest friends, I guess you should at least try, but I don't think it would make him actually stop seeing her or anything. He doesn't seem to grasp that she is an individual with her own desires. She's been clear about her feelings for him, but he dismisses it by saying she just doesn't know what she wants, as if she's a retard or something. He's faking a friendship because he thinks that if he puts in enough time and effort he'll be rewarded. And if it weren't already bad enough, he lashes out at her for it. It's actually pretty messed up what he's doing. Maybe he doesn't realize it. Maybe you can help him understand. Or have you already tried laying it out like that for him? I don't know, as much as I kind of hate your friend after reading all that, it's probably not worth severing a friendship over. A lot of us have acted pathetic with regard to the opposite sex and our friends get to see it unfold, like a beautiful blossom. If your friend isn't typically kind of a dick, then it might be worth it to take a step back, let him get his heart broken, then take him out for beers afterward.
gaius Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 You said what you had to say, now let him do what he wants. Why would you dump him as a friend over what girl he has the hots for? I don't get it, don't you have any love for him at all?
Author counterman Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 I don't think there's anymore you can do except be there for him when it all comes crashing down. You can't help people who don't want to be helped. You're completely right. I'll be there when he needs me most and help bring him up. Yeah, it kind of is, but what can you do? It seems that you've tried mentioning things and it doesn't help. If you sat him down and calmly explained how and why he's making a mistake, do you think he would listen? I mean, if he's one of your closest friends, I guess you should at least try, but I don't think it would make him actually stop seeing her or anything. He doesn't seem to grasp that she is an individual with her own desires. She's been clear about her feelings for him, but he dismisses it by saying she just doesn't know what she wants, as if she's a retard or something. He's faking a friendship because he thinks that if he puts in enough time and effort he'll be rewarded. And if it weren't already bad enough, he lashes out at her for it. It's actually pretty messed up what he's doing. Maybe he doesn't realize it. Maybe you can help him understand. Or have you already tried laying it out like that for him? I don't know, as much as I kind of hate your friend after reading all that, it's probably not worth severing a friendship over. A lot of us have acted pathetic with regard to the opposite sex and our friends get to see it unfold, like a beautiful blossom. If your friend isn't typically kind of a dick, then it might be worth it to take a step back, let him get his heart broken, then take him out for beers afterward. I have spoken to him and he doesn't listen. The thing is, it's not as though I'm forcing my opinion on him... he's actually asking me for my thoughts and advice. He agrees with most of it and yet he continues down this path. He says he's alright with being hurt... She has been super clear, as clear as anyone can be. Normally, a girl would distance herself if she's not interested in a guy and he still tries to go for a relationship. But this is different. He wants him there for the company and to have a friend, knowing full well that he still likes her. I've tried to help him understand. He kept on blaming her for him lashing out and he says it makes her scared to lose him, which he actually enjoys... He likes that feeling of being needed and has tried to pull some stunts on me before but I had none of it. I told him exactly what I though, and explained to him and yet he still thinks he has it under control and that he'll pull off something miraculous and that she'll actually change her mind. You're right, it's not worth cutting off a friendship over -- I guess I've been taking it a little personally and watching a close friend go through this is just a little frustrating. I've actually pathetic before too... and was glad my friends were there when I came out the other side. I'll definitely take a step back and let him make his own decisions. I've said what I had to say. You said what you had to say, now let him do what he wants. Why would you dump him as a friend over what girl he has the hots for? I don't get it, don't you have any love for him at all? Of course I love him, more than he loves me. Trust me, I've been a very great friend to him. Everytime he's down on himself, I bring him up. I always put whatever I have down, just so that I can see how he is. I'll talk to him about anything he wants to and support him whenever he needs it. But in saying that, this is not just a girl he has the hots for... it's really unhealthy. But I guess it was a snap decision to consider severing the friendship. It's not going to happen. I'm going to let this one settle and not get involved. It's really none of my business. It'll be tough watching it all unfold though. Show him my threads. That'll learn him. Touche! I'll show him a print out of your threads if he gets too deep
JoeyArnold Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Do you like him? Well, maybe this girl will change her mind because I accidentally fell in love with my best friend too & I think she just wants to be my friend but I really care about this one girl. Love is contagious & love never gives up on another person.
grkBoy Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 She told him that she didn't believe in love... Angela will believe in love the moment she meets a guy who sets her panties on fire. If this guy then later breaks her heart, she'll go back to telling David how she doesn't believe in love. The ONLY time she'll find attraction in David is when some guy knocks her up and thus she feels like she has to settle on whoever will take her. The issue is she only wants him as a friend but he think there's hope that she might change her mind. Yeah...seen this and I have been this guy in my past. The only way he'll get the message is the day Angela suddenly tells him of a guy she met that she thinks is "sooooo hot". I'm sure he'll then make drama. I'm thinking I shouldn't do anything and just let him learn his lesson but this really is pathetic... It is pathetic. If you've told him how you feel, then you've done all you can. David now needs to get hurt in order to "get it". This is why I tell guys here who want the girl as a GF not to accept the friendzone. To politely tell her "no thank you" and let her deal with that rejection. David is the male version of every woman we've seen who gets with some jerk, will get hurt over and over by him, and despite how many friends tell her to break up with him, she won't. He's a fool and thus deserves what he has coming to him. The only day Angela will find him attractive is when she's desperate. I don't believe in this "chick flick" fantasy where the "good friend" ends up with the girl. I've never seen it happen...except when the girl was down on her luck and desperate. NOW...I do not fault Angela in all this. She was honest with David and thus is honorable in my book. David is the one clinging on to a pipe dream...so he's at fault here.
Author counterman Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 Angela will believe in love the moment she meets a guy who sets her panties on fire. If this guy then later breaks her heart, she'll go back to telling David how she doesn't believe in love. The ONLY time she'll find attraction in David is when some guy knocks her up and thus she feels like she has to settle on whoever will take her. It is sad but I agree. Yeah...seen this and I have been this guy in my past. The only way he'll get the message is the day Angela suddenly tells him of a guy she met that she thinks is "sooooo hot". I'm sure he'll then make drama. She has told him about guys she thinks are hot... some British guy and a few others, which has made him a bit jealous and has hurt him a few times. The thing is though, they're not in her life but he is. He still thinks he has a fighting chance. He believes that if he's always there for her, she'll end up falling for him. It is pathetic. If you've told him how you feel, then you've done all you can. David now needs to get hurt in order to "get it". This is why I tell guys here who want the girl as a GF not to accept the friendzone. To politely tell her "no thank you" and let her deal with that rejection. David is the male version of every woman we've seen who gets with some jerk, will get hurt over and over by him, and despite how many friends tell her to break up with him, she won't. He's a fool and thus deserves what he has coming to him. The only day Angela will find him attractive is when she's desperate. I don't believe in this "chick flick" fantasy where the "good friend" ends up with the girl. I've never seen it happen...except when the girl was down on her luck and desperate. NOW...I do not fault Angela in all this. She was honest with David and thus is honorable in my book. David is the one clinging on to a pipe dream...so he's at fault here. Man, you're totally right. I don't agree with accepting the friendzone as well, but not only has David accepted it, he has embraced it. On several occasions he's told her "I don't want to do anything you're not comfortable with", and basically, she has her way with almost everything. And that Hollywood chick flick fantasy, I don't believe in it too. Watch too many of those with not enough real life experience can really warp your thinking. In reality, it just doesn't work that way. I've never heard guys like this described as the male equivalent of that girl who gets played by a jerk over and over again but that's a pretty accurate description. I'm going to use that one from now on:p The thing is, she knows she has him. Whether boyfriend or not, she knows she can get whatever she needs out of him without any commitment or any physical relationship. If one day she does get really desperate, she knows she has an option that'll always be there. Deep down I know I cannot fault Angela...because David has the ability to say no to this and walk away from him. Everytime he's frustrated at her and tells me about it, he blames her for everything that happens... but it's really him accepting what's happening and still continuing on with this. It's really frustrating to witness cause he looks like a damn fool chasing her tail around and hoping she'll chase back. Nothing I can do but take a giant step back and let it all unfold.
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