ponsettia Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Hi, new here, but not new to the internet! This is a bit disjointed, but bare with me! For many years I was great friends with a woman who lived near me. She'd been married, divorced, and was now living with her new fella (she'd have been in her late 40s/early 50s). At some point she and her man got married, all the while she was drinking. Heavily. I knew she drank, but I didn't realise she was essentially a functional alcoholic. She became extremely paranoid about her neighbours (she had several large dogs and she was convinced people were trying to get her dogs to bite them so they could sue her for huge compensation payments). She became so paranoid she sold her house and she and her husband did a "moonlight flit" - I don't mean she fled town leaving a trail of debts, I mean she put her house up for sale, was supposedly looking at other properties in the area, sold her house - didn't tell anyone - and vanished into the night. I found out because she put a 'dear jane' letter through my door as she was passing. She begged me not to tell anyone she'd left, and refused to tell me where she was going. Several months later she got in contact via email, she was still very paranoid and wouldn't tell me where she was, and kept asking me not to tell anyone I'd heard from her. Over the weeks she apparently slackened off the drink, and eventually stopped drinking completely. She then left her husband. She later met a man through work, went out for a drink with him, then on a proper date, then she moved in with him. She kept gushing on about the new man in her life but everything she was telling me about him was a red flag that he was a wife beater. He seemed very like the ex BF of a friend of mine, same charming, handsome, generous etc etc etc behaviours. I didn't say anything A because she hadn't asked and B because she probably wouldn't have listened. Then she asked me what I thought of him. I told her he sounded like my other friend's ex, who'd been beating her up behind closed doors. I also told her that she'd rushed into this relationship when she was still recovering from her drink problem [that she'd admitted to once she'd stopped drinking]. She ignored me completely. Now she's stopped emailing me completely. I've tried to track her down, but had no success - she's not on Facebook or anything like that, she used the internet for emailing and shopping and nothing else. I'd posted about her on sites that -if she's using more of the internet- she'd have recognised herself and [hopefully] PM me. Nothing. I'm torn between she's stopped talking to me because I was right and she's 'ashamed' of herself for getting into a relationship with a wife beater despite my warning (we'd had a conversation on the subject several years ago) Or worse, I was right about him and something terrible has happened to her. In one of the last emails I got from her she said he'd been asking her to have his baby (despite being in her mid/late 50s!) Not looking for advice, just wanted to vent. I really hope it is just a case of she's not talking to me any more because she's too embarrassed, but she knows me well enough to know I wouldn't do the I Told You So Dance, so I can't help worry about her Thanks for reading
freestyle Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Yikes---that's quite a situation you're dealing with. Believe it or not, I've been through something similar, recently. I don't have time to share the story right now, but maybe later, if you're interested. I understand that you're concerned about your friend. If she's gotten herself into an abusive relationship, one of the 1st things an abusive partner does, is isolate their new victim/partner/spouse from their old friends. Unfortunately--well-meaning friends and family can inadvertently reinforce the abuser's position if they try to interfere too much. Factor in the fact that your friend has already demonstrated a tendency to be paranoid about people's intentions---combined with the abuser insisting that HE is the only one "who really cares/understands her, etc.--- Can you see how the two dysfunctions dovetail together? The sad & heartbreaking thing is---there's nothing you can do about it. She's going to have to learn for herself. The more you press the issue, the more you lend credence to her paranoia, and his insistence that HE's her only 'real friend'. All you can do is detach, and hope for the best for her. From a distance.
Author ponsettia Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Believe it or not, I've been through something similar, recently. I don't have time to share the story right now, but maybe later, if you're interested. Sorry for the late reply, Chrome decided to faint on me and I couldn't find this thread after Glad to hear you're not in that situation any more! As for my friend, I think I'll just have to spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to her... It's been about two years since I last heard from her, the email address I had at the time has died, and I cannot get it back, or access anything that might have been sent to it in the last couple of years... I tried setting up a new address with the same user name in hopes that that might work, but I couldn't I sort of hope she'll get a 'psychic' vibe from me posting about her and get in contact, she doesn't have my current address, but I still live in the same town so a snail mail letter would get to me just addressed to name, town, county, Ireland - I have no way of contacting her.
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